"Do you like Elvis?"
"Elvis is dead."

"I mean - these passwords are so stereotypical. I wouldn't put my sister's name as my password."
"You have a sister?"
"No."

"I lost all the tapes therefore all information given is imaginary."

"What a beautiful room. Did you paint it with your own blood?"

"I've been through this before. Remember, this isn't pain i'm feeling. It's nostalgia."

"Hi, I'm Daisy. I like rotten fruit and flinging my own filth."

"...opened his vein in a warm bath."

"(Bio class talking about genetics) Can you give us a book...cuz we don't have a book."
"Then you can't match them...and do you see the flippy lady? Blondy and Flippy ... and that one boy and the girl with the chin."

"I'm going to suggest that you make yourself a 1 or 2 page cheat sheet."

"Sex is good."
"Sex is very good."

"Hi."
"Go away."
"No! What are you going to do about it?"
"Close the door <slam>."

"What's today?"
"Tuesday."
"Oh. How about tomorrow?"
"Wednesday?"

"(describing lab) We looked at fungi and said 'you're weird."

"Is there any doubt in your mind, Ms. Mikelberg?....<pause> Or am I interrupting the music?"

"...speaking of germs...here's the nurse."

"What time does this period end?"
"Quarter to."
"Oh. Not 8:50?"
"No, then that would be ten to."

"Will you marry me?"
"Ringworm!"

"For a strange old man, he sure knows his math."
"He was a rocket scientist."

"If we look around the room, we can see that we're not pea plants."

"Well speaking of genes, what I said was 'I really want to take off your pants and lick you all over."
"Oh..."

"I like the word 'lady'."
"You would, you fairy."

"I was so glad to see Cher last night. Sonny just went downhill before Cher."
"No pun intended."
"<Wince>"

"I don't get it! If it's only Western, then it isn't 'World Literature!' It's like saying 'American World Literature!'"

"(completely at random) I don't think he's Irish."
"You dropped out of photography?"
"These fries are oily."
"Who are you going to the prom with?"
"I don't know. I care more about what i'm going to wear than who i'm going to go with."

"Do you think Einstein was a better physicist than Newton?"
"................I loved Newton........!"

"So...does he beat his wife or carry his own lunch?"

"People eat camels?"
"I guess so."

"He's the oldest one. He's the Backstreet Man."

"What kind of gum you chewin', Charlie?"
"His name's not Charlie."
"Really? What's his name?"
"Kyung."
"I've been calling him Charlie all year! I'm sorry, Charlie."

"If you have fingers like Daphne's, you don't have any tact."

"Are we going to read anything in Everyman but Everyman?"

"What numbers did you choose (book number)? Is there any significance?"
"It's my birthday."
"14?"

"You look...pasty, my queen."

"Any more comments on the film, people? You'll notice that Fortinbras is conspicuously missing from the film....entirely."
"I wanted to see the pirate part."

"Yes! Transcription! Yay!"

"...But the city casts out that man who wets himself."

"I wouldn't know if I weren't me...especially if I weren't me 3,000 years ago!"

"Was it Victoria?"
"Who's Victoria?"
"The woman in your building."
"That's Leslie."

"And i'll bring a quart of whiskey incase one of us gets a snake bite."
"Dad, there are no snakes up there."
"All right, i'll bring a snake."

"And he'll run like a cheap pair of pantyhose."

"The toughest part of this lab is putting the poppit beads together...and they're already put together...so you're safe."

"..you'll tell me that the world will no longer end because of volcanoes but because of the extensive growth of mint leaves! Yes, we'll all be destroyed, but it will be surprisingly refreshing at the same time."

"Wake up!"
"I'm not!"

(at a faculty meeting)
"(To the principal) You used the word Ubiquitus wrong."
"(Mr. Egidy, the gym teacher) What's Ubiquitus mean?"
"(Mr. Silverman, music teacher) She used it wrong."
"(Mrs Coleman, history teacher) Well, why don't we ask Mr Francke. He knows everything."
"(Mr. Francke, the all-knowing english teacher) I wasn't listening."

"You're going to work this out....or you're going to hell!"

"Do you have any idea what you're talking about?"
"No!"

"Hey! You leave my mother out of this or i'll kill yours!"

"When was last Thursday?"

"Years ago I could spell...then I started to teach."

"I didn't practice today. Do you think i'll burn in hell? Do you think Juliard will know? Don't you think they know? Don't you think they have a little computer that goes 'blip, blip!'"

"Only death will get me out of my bad mood."

"Anything that causes a frameshift is a frameshift."

"That's when I said to myself 'ha ha!'"

"Why don't you just ask your dad? He's an economist."
"He's in China."
"Oh."

"Why is God dead, again?"

"The make-up these days. They can disguise you as a sliced tomato."

"The voices in my head are giving me the silent treatment. I haven't talked to them in years."

"Comment."
"The Last Unicorn?"
"No! King Lear!"

"I thought you were presperyterian."
"I told you I was...but as I said before...It's not really a religion."

"Well, curses, blasts, and fogs upon the crayola company!"

"Ms. Mikelberg, what ails you?"
"I asked you so many times if you'd get angry if I wrote 'depressed' (referring to Hamlet)."
"I didn't get angry."
"Yes you did! You wrote psychobabble!"
"I wasn't angry! If I was angry, I would have folded up the paper and cut the word out!"

"I didn't say anything! How can you already say you don't understand? Admitting our ignorance a bit early, aren't we Ms. Mikelberg."

"These seem old."
"You are what you eat."
"Raymond, hand your father his portion of miserable bastard."

"Where does the time go?....and why the *fuck* don't I get any taller?"

"You, who can see the future are looking for your answers in a magic 8 ball."

"I finished eating."
"What'd you eat?"
"Chicken."
"Yum. What kind?"
"I don't know...chicken."

"(going to the Cloisters in NY) We're not going to make a day out of it! We're not going to go skipping the woods and we're not going to try to skip flatstones in the hudson."

"Bone fragments were flying out of my mouth."
"Oh really?"
"It may have just been moisture, but it looked like bone."

"What's the definition of a better person?"
"Better than you."

"Gloucester gave Edgar money after he suffered a lot, but what if Edgar went out and bought crack with that money?"

"You have some sort of psychic comfort from starting at the words until they turn to a blur?"
"Sometimes."

"Oh, so you're asking if the song is the same then how do they tell the difference. I don't know. I'm not a bird."

"You unbalanced my polymorphism!"

"I doubt your mate will look at your ears and say 'i'm sorry, you're free. I'm definately looking for an attached. (earlobes)"

"Can they be incomplete dominance or codominance?"
"No, my sheep aren't like that."

"(Her hand hurts and she is going to the nurse) Why are you taking your bag with you? Do you think it is so serious that they will send you to the hospital?"
"My hand really hurts...and I was hoping I wouldn't be coming back."
"Maybe while you're down there, the nurse will examine your head as well."

"When Hamlet loved Cordelia."
"What??"
"I mean Ophelia."
"And you wonder why I give quizzes?"

"That looks like fun. I want to do that."
"Die?"
"No, scoot the TV across the room."

"When you come back, i'll give you a diagram of hell."
"Is this it?"
"No, I don't like that hell."
"What about the one on 156?"
"I don't like that one either."

"State your name and business."
"My name is Arlise, and my business is to say hello."

"I'm not liking this. I'm really not liking this."
"I thought you said it wasn't bad."
"It went bad."

"Eew! Someone just spat on me, JOSE!"

"(after returning home from a band trip) I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamt I was eating dinner in a restaurant. Everything was normal except for one thing."
"What?"
"We were eating on a hockey rink covered with tiles."

"Better to be marrying somebody for his money than because you like his tattoes."

"Alison, could you go to the office and see if I left copies there?"
"Copies of what?"
"Hell."

"Excuse me, did Mrs Kanarvogel leave hell in here?"

"Here is hell for anybody who doesn't have hell. I thought everybody had their share of hell."
"Thank you."
"Would you like hell?"
"Yes, please."

"Spare us your barn yard noises, Ms Meisler."

"I'm thinking very good today - or very well today."

"Says who?"
"Says me."

"Road kill - not automobile kill. A camel could come along and run you down."

"Well, after a while he'll get a disease...and do you know what they'll say when he dies? They'll say: 'He didn't wear his boots in the rain' or 'he carried his spear upside down' or he spat at the moon the wrong way.'"

"Uh oh....Mr Francke is going to eat us."
"Not if we eat him first."
"Eew..."

"Your lips are moving, but nothing is coming out."

"If they didn't eat those children then they could have died."
"Thank you Dr. Kavorkian."

"What are you playing?"
"That tool song. The song by tool."

"Who was the last Stewart?"
"Uh....I....oh....duh....I.."
"(to Daphne) Who was the last Stewart?"
"(Michelle) JAMES!"
"(Back to Michelle) Excuse me?"
"(Timidly) James...was the last Stewart!"
"James was the first Stewart."
"Elizabeth?"
"Elizabeth was the last Tudor."

"What does the word lapse mean?"
"To stray...to...lapse..."

"So if you're pretending to have fun, then Satan will say 'hey!!'"
"Satan will see through your pretending, Tori."
"...no he won't."

"In the movies, satan is portrayed as a happy child - a cheerful young man?"

"What did I say about the puritans the other day?"
"...they're pure?"

"Hail noble Martius!"
"Thanks."

"What about goggles?"
"Goggles would be a good idea singe the PCL3 is explosive."

"It was a while ago."
"It was yesterday."

"Is that more innocent laughter?"
"No, it's more of ignorant laughter."

"They're ok where they are."
"Ok? They're ok? They're in hell! Things could not be "ok" where they are."

"You people are about as exciting as dishwater."
"How do you find dishwater dull?"
"You find it exciting?"
"The fact that you are making a conversation out of this tells me something."

"Why don't you fix up hell while i'm gone....pile of coal..."

"I sing gospel songs in the church."
"I sing in the car."

"You don't look korean. You look half korean."
"What's my other half?"

"To get the base pairs I travel over here...and what do I get?"
"Base pairs."

"It's almost time for you to start thinking about what you want to do for your final project."
"How about we break everyone into groups and march?"
"No, that's band."
"Oh...then...why don't we break everyone into groups and make them march and sing?"
"You're missing the point."

"Does the graph below have an euler circuit or an euler path?"
"Yes."

"(talking about your relatives that are coming to see you graduate)...and grandma from Iowa who is here for the one time in your life that your parents will ever be proud of you. Who knows when a ceremony like this will be given in your honor...it could be because you were booked in jail."

"I am going to retire by phone. 'Substitute please. I will be needing a substitute today and for the rest of my life. You may have my parking space."

"I didn't even have enough money to buy her an engagement ring. I had to buy her a plant."

"(talking about the couch) Shoe is bad. Sock is good. Feet is good. Stub is good. Stump is good. Shoe is bad. Everything else is good. Prosthetic is fine."

"F₁₆ or F₁₈ - The glide ratio of a brick."

"What builds up in your arteries?"
"Crap."
"Plaque. You can't say crap on the AP."

"What is neoclassicism?"
"New classicism."

"What is your intended major in college?"
"Communications."
"Communications my foot! You haven't opened your mouth in three and a half months and when you do, it's to tell me you're going to major in communications? Oh, I love the irony."

"No, the Jedi returns third. They have to go away before they can come back."

"Are your kidneys here?"
"Your kidneys are over there. Mine are here."

"I like the character Moby Dick."
"What character is there? He's a whale! 'Call me Moby?'"

"(about learning French) We don't learn things like that in French. We learn stuff like going to the theatre or eating in a restaurant...we learn colors."

"From quarks you get neutrons, from neutrons you get atoms, and from atoms you get cheese sandwiches...well, you'd need a lot of atoms for a cheese sandwich. Tuna, then."

"'Caroline's Comedy Club and much much more...' obviously the 'much much more' isn't talking about nachoes."

"Isn't the painting lovely? It's the Dutchess. It was painted by Fra' Pandolf, Fra' Pandolf."

"Early way back when, things were either stuff or not stuff."

"Was simon able to read?"
"No, he was deaf."
"Well...he wasn't blind."

"I got spanked once for not finishing Frosted Flakes. My dad said I was wasting the cereal."

"Math? I don't even know where the cat is!"

"Whoa...cat shit turning into lint. It's really getting late, isn't it?"

"(To Seth) Why don't you eat breakfast like normal people do?"
"(me) I don't eat breakfast."
"(To Seth)......Why don't you eat breakfast like normal people do?"

"Didn't you have a baby?"
"I still have a baby."

"How was the trip to Washington DC?"
"I have never had so many potatoes in my life."

This special portion is devoted to Mr. Francke quotes even though they have
already been lightly sprinkled throughout the entire book.

"Mr Francke?"
"I am he."

"Assume the fetal position and whimper softly."

"Does the term 'pig ignorant' mean anything to you?"

"Mr. Francke? Can I throw this onto your desk from here?"
"Only if I can watch you try."

"There are h undreds of gods and goddesses. What you are saying is the equivalent of saying "the goddess of lemon ice!"

"You are the one course in this school made for people who love to read!"

"If I fail you, I will eat well, I will sleep well. The world will still be a beautiful place. Your parents may kill you, they may beat you, they may torture you, but I will be with a clear conscience. Birds will sing their beautiful songs in the morning and all will be lovely."

" ..and you will be swallowed by the abyss and no one will care."

"Get your bibles, people. Get them while they're hot."

"Did you know that they (the Angry Beavers) use real kids for their voices?"
"I don't care if they use real beavers!"

"...so...why are they angry?"
"Oh Shut up!"

"Dead Romans (another name for 'The song of Roland')."

"Leaving school and sliding down the razor blade of life."

"Yes, Friday the 13th is on a Tuesday this month."

"Who knows why you're in this class! Maybe you have the largest collection of Cliff's notes or maybe your parents talked to the administration whose backbones are made of something very soft and crumbly."

"Oh yes. You must be an AP student. 'Absent means not here.'"

"Go down to guidance and they'll give you big crying towels and sit you down on a comfy couch and pat you on the head and say 'poor baby,' and give you weak tea and cookies...no more 'poor baby have a cookie.'"

"I don't understand the question. Guidance is down the hall."

"Are those family photos? Are there pictures of Grandma in there?"
"Um...no."
"Well, unless those are pictures of Roland or Charlemagne, I would consider those non-academic."

"It's a wonderful thing to discover that your religious education has been just as much a failure as your secular."

"It was roman glass."
"Oh? How did you know it was roman glass? (write in the air) Love Julian?"

"The nurse has enough training to be able to call the ambulance."

"They are the 10-commandments, people. not the 10-suggestions, recommendations, or guidelines."

"Thou shalt not stomp on thy neighbor's foot? Thou shalt not spit on thy neighbor's goat? Was it almost as if God had placed a pair of rollerskates into the Garden of Eden and said 'Thou shalt not skate?'"

"I heard me the first time."

"Graduation will come and go...you, like graduation will come and go."

"As far as I know, you worship asparagus and kill chickens in the woods."

"Please don't be any dumber than nature commands."

"'How long has Hamlet's father been dead?' It doesn't say, but i'll accept a few months. It's a bit vague."
"How about a blank answer?"
"It wasn't that vague."

"'Please share this with your students...' I guess that means I can rip this in half and give it to you. '...sum total of all exams taken in the spring?...' That's a bit redundant....It difficult for them to speak English."

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