Dreaming
Do you ever lose yourself? It's for just a moment, but in that moment you can live a lifetime. You dream of that person who will come and sweep you off your feet and make you feel alive again. You think of the love the two of you will have. Your world is perfect and flawless and you're not afraid of leaving with a crushed, bruised, broken heart. The thought doesn't even occur to you. You think of your child who you want to turn out like Haley Joel Osment. You might have a dog and a cat and maybe even a guinea pig. You think of how happy you would be. It is at that point that you return to your world and realize it's late and that it's time for you to be heading to bed. You have work or school or an exam in the morning and you're upset that you've wasted too much time living in your own utopia. You go to bed that night thinking of what you will dream that night. Your life depresses you and you try to not to think of how upset you are as you squeeze your eyes tightly shut. You pull the covers up to your nose and pray that in those few moments before drifting off to sleep thoughts of your day will not float into your drifting thoughts. You hope these few moments won't compell you to cry yourself to sleep as they have been for the past several nights. Sometimes you hope you'll forget everything and move on. "Move on," you say to yourself the following morning when you wake up and look in the mirror and see the bags and the puffy eyes. You know it's something that only time can heal, but the sun still rises and sets and you find yourself exactly as you were. You remain existing. You don't even call it living anymore. It is existing. Your friends notice and say therapy while parents hug you closer when all you want is to get away from them and find your own solution. This turns to a quest and you spend your life looking for something that most people cannot find. You are so distracted by your quest that you forget what's around you. You cease living in the now and become a dreamer, one of those pathetic people you always made fun of. You realize being happy is a dream and you become cynical. You personality resembles Janeane Garofalo and even though you love her, you realize cynicism is never the way out. It hardens you from past heartbreaks and disappointments. It seems it lets you grow stronger when instead you give up on the thought of love. It occurs to you later that you've wasted years being bitter and that you have nothing left but an empty, unfeeling shell. You revert back to your old ways. You find yourself ending up on that same balcony dreaming again.