When Ole went to play cards with da boys his friend Lars asked him, " Why is it when we play cards you bring your wife, when we go fishing you bring your wife, and when we go bowling you bring your wife."

Ole replied, "Have you noticed that Lena is a kind of ugly. Dis way I don't have to kiss her goodbye."


Ole, Lena, and little Ole went to the big City for the first time. They were walking down the street and looking in the windows of the big buildings. Little Ole spotted something that caught his eye and ran into a building. Big Ole and Lena followed him. There they all stood in front of a shiny metal door that was cut into a wall of black marble. A chubby, elderly, gray haired lady walked up and pushed a button on the wall next to the door. The door opened and she walked into the little room behind the shiny door. The door closed and the numbers above the door counted up and then down again. The shiny doors opened and a beautiful, well built, young lady walked out.

Little Ole said, "What kind of machine is dat, Dad?"

Big Ole replied, "I don't know little Ole, but push dat button and shove your Ma in there."


Ole and his brother Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There's no fish under the ice."

Ole an Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, " There's no fish under the ice." They both looked around and then looked up.

Ole said, "Are you God?"

The voice spoke back, "No, the ice rink attendant."


Ole and Sven went fishing one summer and decided to rent a boat from the resort instead of fishing from the shore. They rowed out a ways and started to fish. They caught one fish after the other. Ole says to Sven, "I wish we could mark this spot. It’s the best fishing I've seen since I was a boy."

Sven replied, "I got some chalk in my tackle box, so why don't I put an X right here on the bottom of the boat?"

Ole laughed, "You goofy brother of mine...What if we don't rent the same boat next time."


"Hey Sven, " said Ole, "how many Swedes does it take to grease a Combine?"

After Sven replied, "I don't know."

Ole said, "Only two, if you run them through real slow."


Sven came over to help Ole put new siding on his house. They put on their nail aprons and grabbed their hammers. They were going at it like a couple of professionals when Ole noticed Sven doing something strange. Every once in a while Sven would pull a nail out of his apron and put it up to the siding. Instead of pounding it in he would throw it over his shoulder.

Ole said, " Hey Sven,what are you doing that fer?"

To which he said, "Some of deese nails is broke. Da head is on da wrong end."

Ole replied, "No-No Sven, dem nails is fer da udder side of da house."


Ole went to the Doctor because he was feeling a little sick. After a few tests the Doctor told Ole, "I'm sorry to tell you that you have a rare disease that is incurable and you are going to die in 6 months. But to help you out I'm going to prescribe that you move in with your mother-in-law."

Ole replied, "That’s terrible Doc, but why should I move in with my rotten mother-in-law."

The Doc said, "Because that will be the longest 6 months of your life."


Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died.'"

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"


Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo? "

“Just a minute, " said the busy clerk.

"Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I’ll yust take da bus."


The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non?support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."

"Vell, dat's fine, Judge, " said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."


Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?"

"No, " said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."


Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?"

"No, I don't, " said Ole.

"A canoe will sometimes tip, " explained Lars.


Ole and Lena were visited by a door-to-door salesman. He tried to convince them that if they bought the big freezer he was selling, they would save enough on food bills to pay for the freezer.

Ole responded that they were paying for the house on what they were saving on rent. And they were saving on movie tickets with the price of cable TV.

Finally, Ole said, "And we're saving on laundromat with the new washer and dryer. So, I guess ve have to say, ve can't afford to save any more right now."


A Texan was driving past Ole's farm in a big convertible with steer horns on the hood. He saw Ole out front working on a tractor and stopped for a chat. The Texan said, "How big a spread do you got here?"

To which Ole said, "It goes from da road here, back to dat woods back there, and from da creek down there, over to da Johnson’s barn up on dat hill. How big a spread do you got?"

The Texan replied, "I can jump in my pickup truck and drive all day and not get to the other side of my ranch."

Ole laughed, "I had me a truck like dat once myself and sold dat junker to my crazy brother Sven."


The Mailman was making a delivery to Ole's house and noticed a Penguin walking around the side yard. After asking Ole where it came from and finding out that it just showed up a couple of days before, he told Ole that Penguins don't normally walk around Wisconsin and maybe Ole should take him to the Zoo. Ole agreed with him and said he would do it this afternoon.

The next day while driving by Ole's the Mailman noticed the Penguin was still there. He stopped and said to Ole, " I thought you said you were going to take the Penguin to the Zoo yesterday."

Ole replied, " I did, and we had so much fun that dis afternoon we are going to a baseball game."


Sven was taking his Hotrod for a spin when he saw little Ole trying to peddle his bicycle up a long steep hill. He decided to have some fun and told his nephew that he had a rope and could pull him up the hill. Little Ole agreed and Sven told him the he would go slow. He also told him that if he went to fast that little Ole should toot at him with his bicycle horn mounted on the handle bars.

Sven started out slowly but little by little picked up speed. When he got going too fast for little Ole to jump off he decide to have some real fun. He put the gas peddle to the floor and let the engine go wide open. As they went over the top of the hill there was a Police car on the other side with a Radar unit.

The officer radioed in, " Sarge, You won't believe this. I just clocked that crazy Sven in his Hotrod going a hundred and ten."

The Sargent replied, " What's so hard to believe about that?"

The patrol officer then said, "It’s his nephew Little Ole on a bicycle behind him tooting his horn so he can pass."


The neighbor boy, Billy, and little Ole had their birthdays in the same week. They got together to compare presents. Billy got a new Motorcycle and little Ole, whose parents weren't so wealthy, got a new pair of Tennis Shoes. They both argued about whose gift was better and decided to race.

Billy took off and ran his cycle through first gear and into second gear. He looked over and there was little Ole right next to him. Up through second and into third and little Ole was running along side. Billy wound the cycle up tight in third and hit fourth gear. When he looked over little Ole was nowhere to be seen. Billy went back, only to find his friend lying in the ditch with his left foot smoking.

Billy asked, " What are you doing in that ditch?"

Little Ole said back, "Did you ever blow a Tenny going 90?"


Ole, Lena, and Sven were lost in the woods and were becoming desperate, having run out of food several days ago. It was winter, the snow was deep, and their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down into the snow to look for nuts, he found an old lamp and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came out.

The genie says, "I am da great genie of the North and I can grant each of you vun vish."

Ole says, "I vish I vas back on my farm." Poof! And Ole was gone.

Lena quickly says, "I vish I vas back on da farm with Ole." Poof! And Lena's gone.

Sven just sat there in the snow and looked very sad.

"Sven, vat is it dat you vish for?" asked the genie.

Sven says, "Gee, I'm so lonely, I vish Ole and Lena vere back here wid me."


One night, Ole and Lena were fast asleep when all of a sudden the phone rings. Ole wakens and goes to answer it.

"How the heck should I know, that's a thousand miles away!!" he barks into the phone and then slams down the receiver.

"Who was that?" asks Lena.

"I have no idea, Lena, " answers Ole. "Somebody wanted to know if the coast is clear."


Ole walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

Ole says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

Ole says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"


Little Ole was sitting at the kitchen table doing his school homework. He had a puzzled look on his face as he considered the assignment that was due--writing an essay about his origin. He turned to question his mother.

"Mama, vere did Grandma come from?" he asked.

"Da stork brought her, " answered mama Lena.

"And vere did yew come from?" asked Little Ole.

"Da stork brought me, " his mother answered.

"And vere did I come from?" Little Ole inquired.

"Vell, son, da stork brought yew, tew, " mama Lena replied.

With a scowl on his face, Little Ole picked up his pencil, turned to his school tablet, and began writing his essay: "Dere have been no natural births in our family for three yenerations."


One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails.

"Good gracious, " said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?"

"It vas really simple, " was Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth."


Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.

"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.

"No, " replied Lars.

"Vell don't touch it den, " Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"


Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.

"Oh, " said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."

"How come?" asked Lars.

"Vell, " Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing."


Ole was having eye trouble, so he went to see the optometrist.

"Put this little gadget over your left eye, Ole, " said the optometrist. "Now over the right eye, over the left eye. No, Ole, I said left eye. Now right . . . No Ole, your right eye!"

Completely confused, Ole just looked at the optometrist.

"Now, Ole, " the optometrist continued, "just remember which is your left hand. OK, Ole, cover your right eye . . . No Ole, that's your left eye!"

Finally in exasperation, the optometrist took a brown paper bag, cut a hole in it, put it over Ole's head, and moved the hole back and forth from the left eye to the right eye.

"Now, Ole, " asked the optometrist, "How is that?"

"Vell, Doc, I guess it's all right, " said Ole. "But I vas vishing I could have some wire rims like Sven."


Ole and Sven loved to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about a good lake and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."

So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, Ole was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and Ole left.

In about an hour, he was back. He said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."

The fellow couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way, " he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all, " Ole said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."


Ole and Lena were so excited to get a new cellular phone. Ole was to call when he was on his way home from town. Ole called Lena when he entered the freeway.

"Lena put supper on, I'm on my way home."

Lena says, "Be careful because I hear some nut is driving the wrong way on the freeway."

"It's worse than that Lena, where I'm at there are a hundred cars going the wrong way!"


Both Ole and Sven wanted some money, so they went to the bank for a loan. Sven went in first. "I want $10,000!"

"What do you do for a living?" asked the manager.

"I'm a pilot!" said Sven.

"Well, that is a good profession!" said the manager, so he gave him the money.

Then Ole went in and said, "I want $10,000 too!"

"Well, what do you do for a living?" asked the manager.

"I'm a lumberjack," he replied.

"Well, I can't give a lumberjack that kind of money," said the manager.

"Well, what's the deal with that, if I don't cut the wood, Sven can't pile it."


Ole and Lena were ice fishing one day and Ole ran out of snoose. He told Lena she'd have to go across the lake and get some from Sven’s General Store.

After she left Ole called Sven on his cell phone and explained that Lena was coming after snoose for him, but he'd have to charge it because he didn't send any money with her.

When Lars asked why not, Ole explained, "I didn't know how thick the ice was."


One day Lena stops Ole and tells him that the outhouse is full and he has to do something about it. Ole comments that Sven is comming over the next weekend, and since he has been going to an engineering school he should have an idea of the best way to handle the situation.

That weekend Sven comes over and Ole explains his dilemma....

"Sven, we got to do somethin' about the outhouse, it is full and Lena is getting very upset about it."

"Well Ole, I have an idea. We will place several sticks of dynamite around the outside of the outhouse with a fuse just long enough to allow us to run behind the house before it goes off. The outhouse will be blown straight up, the crap in the hole will be blown out into the fields to fertilize them, then outhouse will fall right back down to were it was."

Ole thought this was a fantastic plan so Ole and Sven got to work and set all the dynamite just right. They lit the fuse and ran for the house. Just as they got to the back of the house Lena came running out the back door and made a bee line for the outhouse. Before Ole could stop her she ducked into the outhouse slamming the door behind her and......

BOOOOM!, the dynamite blew.......the outhouse then shot straight up, the crap was blown out to the fields, and the outhouse dropped right back down where it originally sat, just like Sven had planned.

Ole runs to the outhouse worried about Lena and reaches it just as she opens the door to come out. "Lena, Lena.....are you alright?"

Lena is a little shaken up but responds .... "Yes Ole, I am fine.......but I have to tell you, I'm sure glad I didn't let that one go in the house!"


Ole and Lena went to a fair. Ole was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes, " replied the pilot.

"That's too much, " said Ole.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

Ole and Lena agreed and went for a wild ride.

After they landed, the pilot said to Ole, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so, " said Ole, "but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."


Ole, Sven, and Nels came into the bar. They were high-fiving each other, shouting, and generally having a celebration of some sort.

"Line 'em up," Ole shouted as the party continued.

They drank and carried on for hours. Finally the bartender’s curiousity got the better of him. "Just what are you celebrating?" he asked.

"51 days! We did it in 51 days!" they responded.

"What did you do in 51 days?" he probed.

"Put the puzzle together," they replied, "51 days and the box said 3-5 years!"


Ole was walking through the mountains of Norway on his way to visit Lena. He was thinking more about the supper he knew she had planned for him instead of where he was walking. All of a sudden he slipped and slid over the edge of the cliff beside the mountain path. About 20 feet down, and with several hundred more feet to go, he frantically grabbed onto a bush that moved but held for the moment.

There he was, hanging by a bush, above certain death, and his hands began to perspire and tire almost immediately. "Is anyone up there?" Ole hollered.

"I'm here Ole," came the deep voice from above.

"Who's there? Can you help me?" Ole yelled back.

The voice answered, "It's the Lord, Ole. Let go and I will save you."

Ole looked down, and he looked up, and he looked at his slipping hands, and he looked down again, and he looked up again.

Finally, he yelled back up the side of the cliff, "Is anyone else up there?"


Ole's dream had always been to leave North Dakota and see the ocean. He would always try to get Lena to take off and go to California, but she always said she couldn't leave because of work. Finally, to get Ole to stop pestering her, she told him he should just take the trip by himself.

Ole made it to California all right, and was completely in awe when he finally got to see the ocean. He wandered up and down the beach, amazed by its size. Not looking where he was going, he accidently kicked over a half-buried bottle in the sand. In a huge puff of smoke, a genie appeared. Thankful to be released, the genie offered Ole one wish.

"I can't help but wonder what the ocean looks like from the other side", Ole said. "I'd like you to build me a bridge all the way across the ocean so I can walk to the other side and see the view." The genie, realizing the complexity of his wish, told Ole to try to think of a little more realistic wish. Ole said, "Back in North Dakota, people tease us Norwegians about being kinda dumb. I wish you could make us seem as smart as all the other people."

The genie replied, "Did you want that to be a two-lane or a four-lane


When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, "I'm not going down der yust for 50 cents."


Lena: "Der is trouble vit da car, sveetheart. It has vater in da carburetor."

Ole: "Vater in da carburetor? Dat is ridiculous."

Lena: "Ole, I tell you da car has vater in the carburetor."

Ole: "You don't even know vat a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Ver is da car?"

Lena: "In da lake."


Lena once had two chickens. One of them got terribly sick. So she killed the other one to make soup to get the first one well again.


A Norwegian, Swede and Dane made a bet about who could stay the longest in a pig house. (Pigs have their own houses for winter use on Scandinavian farms because its so cold.) They all went in at the same time. After five minutes the Dane came running out. Fifteen minutes later the Swede stumbled out the door. After twenty minutes the pig ran out.


Ole was hired by a limousine company in Minneapolis to drive one of those long fancy expensive limousines. One day Ole received an important call to St. Patrick's Cathedral. To Ole's surprise, his passenger turned out to be the Pope. He had very important business in St. Paul, so Ole was hired by the Pope's aides to drive the Pope in his limousine.

The Pope admired the new limo and commented to Ole that he'd never driven a limousine. He asked Ole if it would be all right for him to drive the car a few miles. Ole said it was OK and stopped to let the Pope behind the wheel and he jumped into the back seat. As the Pope drove down the interstate highway, the speedometer went steadily higher ? 60 miles per hour...70....80. Well, it was bound to happen. At 90 miles per hour, the Pope attracted the attention of a highway patrolman.

After they were stopped, the Pope and Ole sat and waited patiently as the patrolman approached them. The trooper carefully looked into the limosine and went back to his patrol car. "Chief," he said over the radio, "you're not going to believe what an important car I've stopped!"

The chief asked, "Is this person more important than the governor?"

"Oh, much more," replied the patrolman.

"What about a U.S. Senator?" asked the chief.

"Far, far more important," answered the patrolman.

"Well then, it must be the President of the United States," declared the chief.

"Nope," replied the trooper. "This guy is the most important man I've ever seen."

"Well, just HOW IMPORTANT is this gentleman?" demanded the chief.

"Well, I don't know," answered the trooper. "All I know is this guy looks like a Norwegian, but he's got the POPE for a chauffeur!"


Ole and Lena are getting older, and vun day dey vas out in the car and Ole sees the red lights flashing in the mirror. So he pulls over and the policeman says "Ole, vat the heck are you doing?"

"Vell," says Ole, "Lena and I vent over der to da supermarket and got some tings for our dinner, and now ve yust have to go over to da drugstore for our medicine."

"OLE!" says the policeman, "Lena fell out of your car four blocks back!!"

"Oh, tank God" said Ole, "It vas so quiet dat I thought I vas goin' deaf!"


Lar's friend Ole stopped by for a visit one day. "How's it going vit your marriage, Ole? Is da honeymoon over yet?"

"Vell, da marriage is doing fine." said Ole. "And Lena she treats me yust like a Greek god."

"Dat's great," said Lars. "How do you get treated like a Greek God, Ole?"

"Vel, you see, Lars, every night da wife serves me a BURNT OFFERING!" replied Ole.


Ole went to the doctor for a physical. After Ole was dressed the doctor came in and said, "I am sorry Ole, but you are very sick and have only a few weeks to live."

Ole went home with a heavy heart to tell Lena the news. After Ole told Lena he sat in his easy chair and Lena went to the kitchen. Soon Ole began to smell a heavenly aroma that came from their kitchen. Lena was making his favorite cookies! Lena must really love me, thought Ole.

He went into the kitchen and started to take a cookie, but Lena slaped his hand away and said, "Ole, you can't eat these. These cookies are for the funeral!"


One particular Sunday Ole was lying back in the hammock and having just returned from church with Lena he was feeling a little religious. "God," said Ole, "vhen you made Lena, vhy did you make her so nice and round and so pleasant to hold?"

Suddenly a voice from above said, "So you would love her, Ole."

"Vell then vhy, oh vhy," asked Ole, "vhy Lord did you make her so stupid?"

"So she would love you," replied the voice.


Lena decided that she and Ole needed a bit of culture so she purchased tickets to the ballet. That evening after watching the performance for about 30 minutes Ole leaned over to Lena and whispered in her ear, "I don't see vhy dey dance on their toes. Vhy don't dey yust get taller dancers?"


Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian...and my name isn't Valter."


Lena greeted Ole at the door of their apartment when he came home from work. "Guess vhat," said Lena. "Remember ve have been talking about getting a more expensive apartment?"

"Ya," said Ole. "Vhat about it?"

"Vell," said Lena, "now ve don't have to look. Da landlord yust raised da rent!"


Ole was going on a trip to Norway and after boarding the plane he sat down in seat 16A. After a few minutes the passenger assigned to seat 16A came along and pointed out to Ole that he was in the wrong seat. Ole told the other passenger that he was comfortable where he was and the other passenger could find another seat.

The passenger tried to convince Ole to move by showing him his ticket and seat assignment. Ole refused to move. In frustration, the passenger went to see the stewardess and told her what had happened. The stewardess spoke to Ole at length but was unable to convince him to move. The stewardess got very vocal with Ole and after coming to the verge of losing her temper she gave up and went to see if the captain could help.

The captain came back to Ole, bent down toward Ole's ear and whispered something. Ole jumped to his feet and ran back to his proper seat. The other passenger and the stewardess were astonished that the captain could get Ole to move so easily. They asked him what he whispered to Ole. The captain said, "I just told him that 16A wasn't going to Norway."


Sven and Ole went hunting for deer one day. As good hunters always do, they stopped to ask the farmer permission to hunt. The farmer agreed to let the two hunt, but warned them that he had a very large farm and it was easy to become lost. He told the two hunters that if they got lost to fire three shots into the air and he would come get them. This sounded like a good plan and they were off.

About a half hour later the two found themselves totally lost. Sven said, "Ole, I beleive ve be lost, you better fire three shots into de air."

"Ya, I tink you're right, Sven," said Ole. "Ve better get dat farmer going." So Ole fires three shots into the air with great expectations of seeing the farmer.

A half hour passes and no farmer. Sven says, "Ole, I tink you better fire three more shots into the air, the farmer has not come yet."

"I can't," said Ole, "I run out of arrows."


Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Ole's house and saw a sign that said "Boat For Sale." This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Ole about it.

"Hey Ole," said Sven, "I noticed the sign in your yard that says 'Boat For Sale,' but you don't even have a boat. All you have is your old John Deere tractor and combine."

Ole replied "Yup, and they're boat for sale."


Sven got a new truck ya know. So he called up Ole and says, "Ole, I got me a new truck! Do ya vant to go ice fishin' vith me?"

"Sure!" says Ole.

So Ole vent vith Sven. (Lena came along too cuz' she was doin' nuttin anyway.) Well Sven and Lena sat in the front seat and Ole sat back in the bed of the truck. Well dey vere on de ice ven all of de sudden de truck vent right through the ice!

Now even though Sven and Lena are pretty big people, dey managed to get out of the truck, up to the surface, and back on top of the ice. They vere getting pretty worried about not seeing Ole when he finally popped up.

Sven says,"Ole vat took you so long!"

"Vell," says Ole, "It took me a vhile to figure out how to open the gate."


Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Ole replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Ole said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"


Ole and Sven went on an expensive fishing trip and returned with only one fish.

"The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400," said Sven.

"Vell," replied Ole, "At dat price it's a good ting we didn't catch any more."


Ole and Sven were trying to get a mule into the barn, but it's ears were too long. Ole looked at the barn and then looked at the mule. Finally he suggested raising the barn.

Sven thought about this and said, "I tink it vould be easier to dig a trench."

"No, you dummy," exploded Ole, "it's dah ears dat are too long, not dah legs!"


Sven and Ole decide one day to enter thoroughbred horse racing, and they each go out and buy a horse. Unfortunately, they only have enough money left afterward to rent one stable.

"Yimminy, Sven," says Ole, "Vit' bot' our horses in one stable, how vill ve tell dem apart now?"

Sven says, "I got me an idea." He grabs a bucket of red paint and paints a big X on the side of his horse.

"Ya sure," says Ole, "Dat'll vork yust fine."

But when they go to reclaim their horses from the stable after the first race, the horse's sweat has washed the X completely away, and they spend hours arguing over which horse belongs to who.

Once they've sorted their horses out again, Sven says to Ole, "Vell? You got any bright ideas?"

"Ya sure," says Ole, and he cuts his horse's tail very short. "Dere. Now ve can tell."

And, in fact, the idea works just fine, until Ole's horse's tail grew back out, and they got their horse's confused again. After a good rousing fist fight, they get everything straightened out.

"Ve need a good way to tell dem darn tings apart," says Ole, nursing a black eye.

"Ya sure," says Sven, "But vat?"

They sit and think for a long time, and then suddenly Ole bursts to his feet. He runs off, and returns a few minutes later with a measuring tape. He measures one horse and then the other.

Sven asks, "Vill it vork?"

Ole proudly exclaims, "Ya sure Sven! Dat dere black horse is FOUR INCHES shorter than the brown one!"


Sven was walking near the riverfront, (always the toughest part of town), when he spied a travel agency. He was attracted by a sign in the window announcing: "Luxury Cruises, only $69.95." He entered the travel agency and inquired about the luxury cruise. The travel agent asked Sven whether he had $69.95 cash, and Sven replied, "Yah, sure!"

Three rough characters came from the rear of the establishment where they had been concealed, hit Sven over the head, took all his cash, stuffed him into a barrel and dumped the barrel into the river.

A bit later, Ole was attracted by the same sign in the same window. He walked inside and inquired about the luxury cruise. The travel agent asked Ole whether he had $69.95 cash, and he replied, "Yah, sure!"

Three rough characters came from the rear of the establishment where they had been concealed, hit Ole over the head, took all his cash, stuffed him into a barrel and dumped the barrel into the river.

Sven and Ole bobbed down the river in their barrels for a few minutes, until they both regained consciousness. Sven spied Ole next to him and asked, "Say, do you know whedder dey serve dinner on dis cruise?"

"Naw, I don't tink so," replied Ole; "dey didn't serve dinner last year!"


Ole was having trouble with his son, Hjalmar, in school. In most respects, Hjalmar was getting good grades. But in math he was having a lot of difficulty. Ole tried talking with the teacher, but he informed Ole that everything had been tried. The principal at school said the same. Both Ole and Lena tried tutoring Hjalmar, but things only got worse.

Finally, Ole and Lena decided to enroll Hjalmar in a parochial school. After about 3 weeks, the report cards came out, and Hjalmar had gotten an "A" in math! Ole and Lena were proud as could be, but were also quite curious. And so they asked Hjalmar, "Hjalmar, how did you do it? How were you able to get an A in math in this here school?"

Hjalmar replied, "I knew I had to shape up real fast. On the first day at the new school, we all went into the church for morning devotions, and I looked up at the front wall and saw this huge PLUS sign with a man nailed to it. And I knew right there and then that this school was real serious about math!"


Ole told Lena one morning that he was going to chop down 20 trees in the woods with his ax and he would be done by suppertime. He worked and worked all day long and could only chop down one tree. He was so tired that when he came in for supper he went right to sleep without eating.

The next morning Ole gets up bright and early and tells Lena: "I am goin' into town to pick me up vun of dose chain saws. Dat der ax yust don't vurk to good." So Ole heads off into town and stops at the hardware store to buy a chain saw.

He tells the hardware store owner what he wants and the owner says: "Ah, here's the chain saw you want and it is guaranteed to cut down 20 trees in a day."

Ole gets all excited and says: "Dat's yust vhat I need! I'll buy it."

So Ole takes his new chainsaw home and gets up bright and early again the next day. He works all day and can still only cut down one more tree. He is beat red while he tells Lena: "Dis here chain is a piece of yunk! I am going to get my money back!!"

He storms back into town the next day to return the chain saw. He tells the hardware store owner: "Dis here chain saw you sold is defective. You told me I could cut down tventy trees and I could only cut down vun!!!"

The store owner looks puzzled and says: "Oh?, let's see if it works OK." The store owner proceeds to start up the chain saw and it runs perfectly normal. BRRUMMMM....Mmamamamama.....BRUMMMMM..mmamamamama

Ole jumps back in horror and yells: "VHAT'S DAT NOISE????"


Ole and Sven were out deer hunting in Northern Minnesota. Sven shot a really nice buck and Ole was helping him pull it out of the woods. They had a rope tied to one of the hind hoofs and they were pulling and struggling, going through the deep snow with the other three legs sticking out and getting caught on every clump of brush and whatnot along the way.

About that time, the Game Warden came along. After checking their deer tag, he said, "You know, it would be alot easier if you tied the rope to the antlers and pulled him head first. Then the legs wouldn't get caught on everything."

Ole looked at Sven and said, "By golly, I think he's right."

The Game Warden went on his way and Ole and Sven re-tied the rope to the antlers and started pulling. It was a lot easier. After about twenty minutes, Sven said, "Ole, that Game Warden sure was right. This is a lot easier, but aren't we getting further away from the car?"


Ole was looking for a job and spied an ad that interested him in the paper.

"Help Wanted, Private Investigator, clear thinking type with lots of ambition."

Ole thought, "That's me allright," and went for the interview.

The interviewer started with a little small chat and sized Ole up pretty quickly. "Ole, just a few more questions and I think I can make a decision. First, what's one plus one?"

Ole thought and quickly replied with a smile, "11."

"Good answer Ole, now for one a little harder. What two days of the week start with a T?"

Now Ole was happy, cause he knew this one too, "Today and tomarrow," he replied.

The interviewer was a little startled. "Ok, Ole, ok, . . . How about, Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Ole was happy as a lark. He got up and left the interview. On his way home he ran into Sven.

Sven asked, " Ole how did the job interview go?"

Ole replied, "Great, I got the job. They've already put me on a case!!"


Ole vas oud in da boht, fishin' yu know. Vell, dis green bottle comes floatin' by in da vind. He vatches it go by. Den, a little vile later, da vind svitches arount an da bottle comes floatin back.

So...Ole picked it outa da vater and pulls da cork. Out pops a big Genie. "Thank you for letting me out....I will grant you your fondest wish."

Vell, Ole tinks and tinks and den he says, "I vould like to go for a visit to da olt country. But, I hate de ocean and I can't stand to fly. Built me a bridge back to Norway!"

The Genie just about fell over. "Do you have any idea how difficult that would be? That's a long way. There are places where the ocean is almost a mile deep and the footings would have to be way down there. It would have to be very high off the water to avoid all shipping. Just the lighting requirements are tremedous. Let's not even get into the permits and the EPA plan requirements." The Genie sighed. "Give me an alternate wish in case I can't get this done."

Ole tinks and tinks and den says, "OK. Vork on my brain so I'm just a bit smarter and can figur tings out easier."

The Genie answered, "Do you want two lanes or four?"


Ole and Lena went to the hospital so Lena could give birth to their first baby. As Ole waited in the lobby, the doctor came out to inform him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news is that you have a normal baby boy. The bad news is that is is a Caesarian."

Ole started crying: "Vell, I'm glad it is a healthy boby...but I vas kinda hoping it vould be a Norvegian."


It seems Sven went over to Ole's house for a visit and was met at the door by Lena who said, "Ole's in da back yard burying da cat. He died ya know."

"So, I yust go 'round da house and wisit widim," says Sven.

Coming upon Ole, Sven sees there is not one but three holes freshly dug. "I thot Lena says you were burying da cat, but I see tree holes."

"Ya," says Ole, "dem udder two weren't deep enough. But you are yust in time for da funeral."

Whereupon Ole swoops up the cat which by now is stiff as a board, it being -40 degrees owning to the wind chill in Lake Wobegone, holds it out at arms length directly over the hole and begins to say, "In da name of da fadder, and of da son, and in the-hole-he-goes."


Sven was just pulling his boat up on shore when Ole wandered up with a puzzlement:

Ole: Sven! What cho been doin?

Sven: I bin fishin, Ole. Wha cho tink I bin doin with dese here rods?

Ole: Ditcha catch anythin?

Sven: (Under his breath: "Dumb Norwegian.") Of course I catch somethin. Sven alvays catches ven he fishes.

Ole: If I guess how many you catch will you gimme one o' dem?

Sven: If you guesses how many I catch I'll give you BOTH of dem!

Ole: I guess THREE!

Sven: Dat ain't bad. You only missed it by TWO!


Ole and Sven were taking a new vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual, they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes.

Ole: What you do dat for, Sven?

Sven: Dat sign say "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High." Dis here camper be thirteen feet!

Ole: Look here, Sven, der ain't no cops around. Hit de pedal and go for it!


Sven and Ole were coming home late one night from the local bar. Worried that their wifes would be furious with them for being so late, they decided to take a shortcut through the town cemetery. As they stumbled their way through the grounds, they decided to stop and rest. The town had just paid for the restoration of some of the tombstones, and
several had been reset with the supporting wire attached to nearby trees. Now Sven and Ole just happend to stop close to a recently departed friends grave.

Sven saw the wire, turned to Ole and said: "Hey! Take a look at this! Peterson is doing real well now!"

"How do you know that?" asked Ole.

"Can't you see?" Sven answered, "Peterson has the phone installed already."


Ole: "Did you hear about the tragedy at the main library in Oslo?"

Sven: "No. What happened Ole?"

Ole: "All the books were lost in a terrible fire. Both of them just blazed out of control! Worst part is one of them hadn't even been colored in yet. "


Ole and Lena, getting up in years, are in the living room watching tv.

Ole: I think I'll go get a little ice cream, would you like one?

Lena: Yes. Could you get me a scoop of vanilla.

Ole: I can do that. (And heads for the kitchen)

Lena: Don't you think you'd better write that down?

Ole: No, I can remember, a scoop of vanilla. (Heads for kitchen again)

Lena: Ole, while you're at it, how about putting a little chocolate syrup on mine.

Ole: I can do that.

Lena: Don't you think you'd better write that down?

Ole: No, I can remember, vanilla ice cream with a little chocolate syrup. (Gets closer to the kitchen)

Lena: You know, Ole, some crushed peanuts would also be nice.

Ole: I can do that.

Lena: Don't you think you'd better write that down?

Ole: No, I can remember, a scoop of vanilla, chocolate syrup, and crushed peanuts.(Ole goes into the kitchen)

Half an hour later, Lena's getting worried and is about to go looking for him, when Ole comes out of the kitchen carrying two plates of fried eggs and bacon.

Lena: Ole! I knew you should have written it down. I wanted my eggs scrambled!


Ole and Lena were at the Art Museum and Lena wanted to take Ole's picture. "Back up a bit Ole," said Lena.

So he did and knocked over a 2000 year old Ming Vase. "Oh my, Ole, we have broken the vase and the curator is not going to be pleased at all!"

Sure as to her word the curator shows up and says to Ole: "Good grief, you have broken that Ming Vase...that was 2000 years old...do you have anything to say for yourself?"

Ole says, "Thank goodness!!! I thought it was brand new."


Ole was looking for a job and heard that their was an opening for a janitor at the local Lutheran church. He applied for the job and the interview went very well. "You have the job," he was told, "just sign this paper."

Ole made a big "X" on the paper.

"What's that?" he was asked.

"That's my mark."

"You're supposed to sign your name."

"That's my mark," Ole replied, "I cannot read or write."

"What? We're sorry, to work here you have to be able to sign your name."

Well, Ole finally got himself a job as a mate on a tugboat, and eventually he became captain of his own tugboat. He did well for himself and eventually had a fleet of ships of his own and became one of the wealthiest men in the community.

One day the mayor decided to honor him for setting such a good example for other immigrants, and what they can accomplish with hard work and ingenuity. The mayor says, "Sven, we want to give you the key to the city! Just sign this form.

" Sven made a big "X" on the paper.

"What's that?" he was asked.

"That's my mark."

"Your mark?" the mayor asked.

"Aih, I cannot read or write, so that's my mark."

"You accomplished all of this not being able to read or write?" The mayor exclaimed. "Just think what you could have done if you could read and write!"

"Yes," Sven said. "I could have been a church janitor."


Ole and Lena bought a new car. They were so excited about it that when they got home they locked the keys in the car. Ole says to Lena, "I thought you had the keys."

Lena says, "You were driving, the driver always takes the keys."

"Well," says Ole, "It doesn't much matter, the question is what are we going to do about it."

Lena says, "I don't know, but we better come up with something fast because it looks like rain, and you had to go and leave the top down."


"Hey Sven!" cries Ole, "I just bought a rare antique coin."

"Let me see," says Sven.

Studying the coin he continues, "That's not an antique coin."

"What do you mean?" cried Ole. "Of course its an antique. It says 93 b.c. right on it."

"Yep," said Sven, "It had me fooled too at first, but then I realized that if the coin were genuine the 93 b.c. would be in Roman Numerals."


Sven and Ole were out looking for a job, and they got an interview at a trucking company. The boss was asking them questions, and he says to Sven, "Sven, pretend that you're driving the truck in the mountains and Ole is asleep in the back. You're going downhill, when all of a sudden your brakes go out. What do you do?"

Sven say, "Well the first thing I'd do is wake up Ole, because he's never seen an accident before!"


Sven and Ole were walking through a field and saw a big hole. They wondered how deep it was; so they threw a rock in but didn't hear it hit the ground.

So they looked around and found a big plank, which they dragged over and threw in the hole. Again, they didn't hear a thing, but all of a sudden a goat came running by at incredible speed and plunged down the hole. Still they didn't hear a sound.

A bit later a farmer came by looking for his goat.

Sven said, "It might be the goat who just ran past and jumped in the hole."

"Oh, no," said the farmer, "that can't be... my goat is tied to big heavy plank."


Sven and Ole were watching the late evening news. There was a man on the ledge of all tall building and the police were trying to talk him down.

Sven said, "Ole, do you think he's going to jump?"

Ole said, "He's not going to jump."

Sven said, "He is going to jump, I'm so sure of it I'll bet you five dollars."

Ole said, "I'll take that bet, `cause I know he's not gonna jump."

The man jumped.

Ole got out his five dollars.

Sven said, "Ole, I cannot take your money. I have a confession to make. I saw this on the news earlier, so I knew he was going to jump."

Ole said, "Take your money, Sven. I saw it too, but I did not think he would be dumb enough to try it again."


One fine spring day, Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his
new car. As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone.

"Oh, no", Ole protested, "I vas only doing thirty, Officer."

"No, you were doing fifty", replied the cop.

"Really, Officer, I vas only doing thirty", Ole replied stubbornly.

"Well", sniffed the cop, "I clocked you doing fifty!"

At that point, Lena, sitting in the back seat and trying to be helpful, spoke up. "Officer...you realy shouldn't argue vit Ole ven he's been drinking."


One day three men went hunting. There was a hunter, an indian, and Ole. So the indian goes out hunting and comes back with a deer. The hunter asked him how he caught this great deer. The Indian replied, "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, I shot the deer."

The next day the hunter went out hunting and came back with an even bigger deer. Ole asked him how he caught such a great deer, and the hunter replied, "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, I shot the deer."

The next day Ole went out hunting and came back all bloody, with broken bones. The hunter and the indian asked him what happened. He replied,"I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, I got hit by a train."


A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Norway," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Norway too! Let's have another round to Norway."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Norway are you from?"

"Bergen," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Bergen too! Let's have another drink to Bergen."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "Where did you live?"

"On a boat, at the fishing docks," replies the second man.

"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I lived on a boat at the fishing docks, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "Ole and his brother Sven are drunk again."


This guy, Peder, goes to the World Cup Soccer Finals. His seat is in the nosebleed section but that's OK - he's at the World Cup. So he starts looking around the stadium with his binoculars and sees a guy in one of the best seats in the stadium with an empty seat beside him. It looks like an old friend he knew when he went to school back in Norway, named Ole. This is driving Peder nuts, so finally at half time, he goes down, says hello to his old friend, and asks Ole why he has a vacant seat in such a choice location.

Ole says, "My wife, Lena, and I bought these seats a long time ago. But unfortunately, Lena passed away."

"Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that", Peder says, "but why didn't you give the ticket to another relative or a friend?"

Ole replies, "Well, they're all at the funeral."


While Ole's next door neighbor Jerry was driving home in in his pickup truck he saw Ole dragging a dead horse down the side of the road. As he stopped to see what Ole was up to Ole said, "Hey Jerry, you’re a life saver. If you'll help me get this dead horse home we'll drink some beer."

They loaded it up and drove over to Ole's. Ole said, "I've got lots of cold beer, help me get da horse inside."

After they were inside Ole said, "Help me get him upstairs and in the tub, I got da beer in dem big quart bottles." Once the horse was in the tub Ole put a pink shower cap on it.

After they got down stairs and were at the kitchen table sucking down a couple of cold ones Jerry said, " Ole, it’s none of my business but what’s the deal with the dead horse?"

Ole replied, " Da udder day when I told my smart ass brother Sven that da Johnson's barn burnt down he said, "I know, Ole, I know". When I told him there was a three car pile up down at the big intersection he said, "I know, Ole, I know". Now, when he comes home from work and goes upstairs to take a shower, he's going to come running downstairs screaming about da dead horse with the pink shower hat on his head and I'm going to say, "Yah, I know,Sven, I know."


One day Ole and Lena were outside, and it started to rain. They thought nothing of it. Well, the rains kept coming until the main floor of their house became filled with water.

Lena said, "Ole, what are we going to do? The water is coming in."

"Let's go upstairs. The rain won't last that long, and it won't get up there," was Ole's reply.

So Ole and Lena went upstairs to wait for the rain to stop. After a short time Lena looked at her feet and saw they were immersed in water.

"Ole! Ole! the rain has reached us up here. What are we going to do?"

"Lena, calm down. We'll just go up on the roof. The water will NEVER reach us up there. It's too high."

After sitting on the roof for a period of time, Lena noticed a hat floating down stream. She, of course, thought that someone had just lost his hat and the current was taking the hat with it. However, when she looked at the water rising again, she noticed that the hat was coming back up stream. That hat kept going down stream and then back upstream, downstream and back upstream.

"Ole, look at that hat," she said.

Ole was as puzzled as she was. Then it suddenly hit him. He remembered what Sven had told him.

"Lena, I know why that hat is going back and forth upstream. When I talked to Sven yesterday, he said that come hell or high water he was going to mow his lawn today!!"


Late one night from the Norway Int'l airport, Sven and Ole phoned their wives back in the States to inform them of their expected time of arrival back home after their Scandinavian vacation.

Sven and Ole then boarded the 4-prop airplane headed back to the States. All was going well until the Captain announced over the PA system that there had been engine trouble in engine number 4, and as a result their arrival time in the States would be pushed back 30 minutes. Sven told Ole that this shouldn't be too much of a problem with his wife, as she was usually not punctual and would probably be late to get him anyway. Ole agreed, and the flight continued.

An hour later the Captain came on the PA system again, announcing that there had now been problems with engine number 1, and as a result the flight would be 60 minutes late in arrival in the States. This time it was Ole who spoke, telling Sven that now there could be a problem with his wife, as she was not an extremely patient person in these matters. Sven consoled Ole by telling him that he could ride home with him and his wife if Ole's wife didn't wait for the late arrival.

At about the same time the two had resolved the issue and drifted off to sleep, the Captain got on the PA system a third time. He announced his apologies, but there now had been troubles with engine 3, and as a result the flight would be 90 minutes late. It was at this time that Ole looked over at Sven, and in utter dismay announced, "For cryin' out loud. If another engine goes out we'll be up here all night!"