Akane's a Mutant? Oh No!
A Ranma 1/2 comedy shortfic by HKMiller
1 Oct 2000 - FFML draft; 15 Nov 2000, minor changes.
All Hail Takahashi Rumiko for creating the Ranma 1/2 characters.
Certain concepts originated by Marvel Comics.
The premise of this story was originated by Knight Writer
(Jedediah@tri-countynet.net) in his story "The Akane Factor",
which was not a comedy.
No disrespect is intended by my unlicensed borrowings.
- - - - - - - - - -
Clad in an overcoat, hat, and sunglasses, the gaijin left the
train at Nerima station, ignoring the blazing summer heat. The
portable Cerebro in his wristwatch put the new mutant ten blocks
away, in that direction. He headed off, careful to avoid
attracting any attention. He knew his powers would not
keep him alive if anyone even suspected he was a mutant. He
didn't notice the heads turning towards him as he passed.
One shopkeeper turned to another. "Another gaijin martial artist?"
"That or an autonomous warlord from Communist China."
"I suppose. Oh well, nice weather today."
- - - - - - - - - -
Meanwhile, Ranma and Akane walked to school. Akane had a hand
to the side of her head and was grimacing. "Lovely. First
grandfather Happosai acting up, then this."
Ranma looked at her with worry. "Another one 'a those attacks of
dizziness?"
"Yes. That's the second one since dinner last night. I wish Dr.
Tofu were still around; he'd figure out what's causing them."
"Well, no sweat." Ranma slapped Akane on the back. "A macho
jock-chick like you can take a spell of dizziness without missing
a beat!"
Ranma never did figure out why Akane's next move was to clobber
him with her schoolbag.
- - - - - - - - - -
The gaijin in the overcoat checked his watch again. "Damn; my
target's moving. I need to be careful; can't reveal what he or
she is in front of anybody."
Suddenly, he became aware of a schoolgirl with short hair walking
beside him. He looked up in alarm.
"Hello," said Nabiki. "You look like somebody here to see Ranma
Saotome. I'm your one-stop shop for all your Ranma information
needs!"
The gaijin muttered to himself, in English, "No, she's not the
mutant; but how did she know about me?"
"A little bird told me," Nabiki replied, in English.
The gaijin fell back a step, astonished. "You talk to birds?
And you're not a mutant?"
Nabiki stared obliquely at the stranger, wondering about his
sanity, while they walked another block to Furinkan. "Here's
the school where you'll find Ranma; that'll be 3000 yen."
- - - - - - - - - -
In the schoolyard, Akane and Ranma confronted Kuno, who stood,
pointing his bokken skyward. "...and I, the Blue Thunder of
Furinkan High School, shall smite thee!" A bolt of blue lightning
shot from sky to earth in the distance behind Kuno.
"That lightning bolt! Maybe... no, the indicator points this
way..." Nabiki and the stranger walked into the grounds just as
Ranma blurred forward, snatched the bokken away from Kuno, and
rapped him on the head with it just hard enough to put him out for
a bit.
"Such speed! Surely he... No, the indicator points elsewhere..."
the gaijin muttered to himself as he turned in place. The gaijin
came to a stop with the needle pointing directly at Akane.
Nabiki, noticing this, smirked, put her hand to her mouth, and
yelled. "Hey, Akane! This guy says you're a mutant!"
Ranma was immediately in this guy's face. "Hey, watch it, mister!
Nobody says my fiancee's not Japanese around me!"
Nabiki smirked again. "Ranma. A mutant can be Japanese."
"Huh? Oh. Well, what _is_ a mutate, anyway?"
A small crowd of students gathered to hear the explanation.
Removing his sunglasses, the gaijin pointed his finger into the
air. "Mutants are the next step in human evolution, homo
superior! We are feared and hated by normal humans because of
our powers and abilities, far beyond those of mortal man! We are
the first Cro-Magnons facing the last Neanderthals!"
The students scratched their heads. "Is that anything like Sailor
Senshi?"
"No, more like Gatchaman, I think..."
Ranma stood, pondering, then slowly said. "Ummm... so whattazat
mean, exactly? Ya wanna kidnap Akane and do something with her?"
"I am merely here to educate her on her true heritage and train
her in the use of her mutant abilities."
"Do I get a pretty short skirt and tiara?" said Akane enthusiastially.
The stranger began to get nervous. Nobody seemed to be getting
the idea he was trying to convey. "The mutants with whom I am
allied dress like this."
Dramatically, he threw off his hat and overcoat and stood revealed
in a skin-tight yellow and blue spandex costume. "I am Blue Thunder!"
"That name's taken, actually," noted Ranma. "So what's yer mutex
power?"
"I might be able to free the name up for you for 5000 yen,"
confided Nabiki.
Putting his hands close together, Blue Thunder closed his eyes and
stood perfectly still, while blue electric flashes built up
between his palms. After a minute, he opened his eyes and thrust
his hands toward a handy nearby tree. A lightning bolt, again
blue, shot towards the tree and shredded its bark completely off
the tree's midsection.
"Hey, it's still standing!" muttered a few of the students.
Shaking their heads, they turned en masse and wandered into
school.
Ranma glanced around nervously to see if the Furinkan
groundskeeper was anywhere in sight. "Damn, that tree just got
replaced day before yesterday..." he muttered to himself.
Akane lingered behind the other students. "I have to go to
school now," she said politely to the stranger. "But I can talk
to you after school."
"But... but... but this is IMPORTANT!" he said to the empty
schoolyard.
- - - - - - - - - -
At lunch, Nabiki sought the new Blue Thunder out. Most of the
other students pointedly ignored him, walking past him with
twirling fingers by their ears. Tatewaki Kuno wandered by many
of the students, perplexed by their discussions.
"Excuse me. Would you mind answering a few questions?"
"I suppose not..." the gaijin mutant slumped.
"How does that of your detector work? You said, and I know some
mutant spokespersons in the past have stated, that mutants are
perfectly normal people, except that they're born with a variety
of genetic abnormalities, right? No different from smarter brains
or better athletic abilities or being born an albino, right?
So what's there to detect?"
"Well... it's complicated..."
"Try me."
Blue Thunder started to sweat. "Actually... I don't know how
it works, either; I'm not a scientist. Probably similar to the
principles behind the gadgets we use to imprison evil mutants,
which take away our mutant powers."
Nabiki smirked. "Let me get this straight. Mutants are human
beings born with extra genetic abilities, but these powers don't
show up until your teens, when they just suddenly appear. And
mutants are undetectable until then."
"Right."
"Mutants are human beings with extra abilities, all different, but
there's some way to detect mutants, and some way to neutralize
mutant powers that doesn't work on genius musicians or scientists
or extremely good athletes, right?"
"Uhh... right."
"I know the sound of a con job when I hear one being pulled. So
what's the real story?"
The gaijin suddenly looked extremely uncertain. "Err... it does
sound odd when you put it that way...."
"So who do you report to? An evil queen in another dimension?"
"OF COURSE NOT! But I am not at liberty to say, except that I
have associates."
"Some bald professor in a wheelchair, living in a wealthy suburb
of New York?"
The Blue Thunder's jaw hit the ground. He held both hands up in
warding-off gestures.
Nabiki smirked as she walked off. "Next time you guys erase all
the Pentagon records on yourselves, remember the offsite backups
as well."
- - - - - - - - - -
That afternoon, in the Tendo dojo, Akane and Ranma sparred. As
usual, this meant that Akane attacked while Ranma easily danced
around all of her blows. Unusually, Blue Thunder was present,
standing to the side watching. Since he was there, Nabiki was
there. Kasumi stood in the doorway also watching. Soun sat
cross-legged on the veranda, crying over the revelation that Akane
was now mute... mutilated... whatever it was.
Akane had thought of a new attack to try. Instead of her normal,
floor-based style, she abruptly leaped into the air with a power
kick aimed at Ranma. Ranma dodged.
"Hey, nice move, Akane. When 'dya learn that one?"
Akane was pleased. "I picked it up watching you!" Unfortunately,
Akane didn't notice that she hadn't completely landed from her
leap. Instead, she hovered, four inches off the dojo floor.
When she tried to step forward for her next attack, she found,
to her shock, that she had no footing. Instead, her legs
appeared to flail in place as she plunged forward into a face-down
horizontal position, still hovering above the floor.
Ranma and Nabiki walked over to examine the phenomenon. Nabiki
passed her hands over and above Akane, looking for strings.
Blue Thunder brightened. "That's it! This is your new mutant
power manifesting itself!"
Ranma scratched his head. "How's she supposed to fight like
this? No leverage."
"WHAT KIND OF STUPID POWER IS THIS?" Akane demanded, starting to
get angry. She twisted and turned, but couldn't get any part of
her body to make contact with the floor.
Kasumi put a hand to the side of her face. "Oh, my. Akane really
IS a mutant, isn't she? Will this make her life more difficult?"
Ranma smirked. "Well, it sure makes _fightin'_ more difficult."
Adopting a stern expression, Blue Thunder pronounced,
"Inexplicable demonstrations such as these often cause normal
humans to hate and fear us."
Nabiki poked Akane, who drifted over a few inches, still flailing.
"I think normal humans are more likely to keel over in helpless
laughter."
"HEY!" yelled the gaijin. "Some of us take anti-mutant prejudice
very seriously!"
"Can't imagine why."
"Well, we mutants are hated and feared for other things, as well!
Some of us can change shape! We could be anyone, infiltrate
anything!"
Nabiki threw the contents of a glass of water at Ranma.
"Yeah?" Ranma, now female, said to the gaijin in disgust. "Yer
point being?"
As the gaijin mutant recoiled in amazement, Nabiki added drolly,
"And normal humans react to Ranma by keeling over in helpless
laughter."
"HEY!"
- - - - - - - - - -
Blue Thunder joined the house's residents for dinner. Akane still
hadn't figured how to get down, so she simply hovered cross-legged
in her normal place. Fortunately, her hands could make contact
with items on the dining table. Every so often, Nabiki
'accidentally' poked her, and Akane drifted over to bump against
Ranma.
Happosai bounded into the room. Patting Nabiki on the back, he
removed Nabiki's bra in the blink of an eye, and went on to
Akane. Ranma grabbed him out of the air and held him up.
"Yo. Yer supposed to combat evil mutants, right?"
"Yes, that's correct." Blue Thunder nodded appreciatively. His
hosts finally seemed to be getting the idea.
Nabiki growled and pointed. "Wouldn't he qualify?"
Blue Thunder checked his watch. "Sorry, no. He's not a mutant."
"THAT'S hard to believe," muttered Ranma.
"Akane-chan! You're floating!" noted Happosai blissfully.
"Gee, you can see," muttered Ranma.
"You DID eat my levitation soba noodles last night! I wonder why
this ungrateful Ranma didn't?"
"Say what? Ain't no such thing as super noodles..." Ranma broke
off, moaning, putting a hand to his head.
"That's what you said last time, Ranma-kun," noted Nabiki.
"I'm sorry, but that can't be the explanation," interrupted Blue
Thunder politely. "Cerebro confirms that Miss Tendo is a mutant,
and this is her mutant power."
"Ah, but MY recipe for levitation soba noodles, handed down from
master to student through CENTURIES of the Anything-Goes Martial
Arts..."
"...meaning ya stole it from some temple a few decades ago..."
Ranma interjected, leaning on one elbow.
Happosai paused to give Ranma a nasty glare, then continued,
"...has the unfortunate side effect of tripping off almost any
detection spell or device known to man."
Outside, the approaching voices came through clearly.
"This is where my computer detected the emissions, Luna! There's
a youma in this house, stealing energy!"
"Those devils who seek to harm innocent humans beware ME! The
108th generation Devil Hunter is HERE!"
"The Magi confirm, reading is Blue! She's an Angel!"
THE END.
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