Measure for Measure
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
10 August 1998 - by HK Miller
Major characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi and licensees:
Shogakukan in Japan and Viz Communications in the USA.
No disrespect is intended by my unlicensed usage.
Lemon-scent warning: adult situations suggested.
This is set after Volume 38 and is a sequel to "Much Ado,"
"As You Like It," "A Comedy of Errors", "Midsummer Days", and
"Midsummer Nights."
All these stories are posted at http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Dojo/5058.
Previously: Akane and Ranma are getting along better, and are openly
admitting love for each other. Ukyou has been adopted
as a Saotome son, a replacement for Ranma, who is now
an adopted Tendo, before the wedding. Nodoka, Akane, and
Ukyou are agreed that Ukyou will be Ranma's mistress and
bear his children, which will be legitimized as Saotomes,
with Ukyou as the father on paper.
Ranma has learned Happosai's ki-recharge technique,
involving contact, ideally intimate, with the opposite sex
(or their undergarments). Ranma subsequently taught
Akane, Ukyou, and Shampoo the technique. Ranma is
extraordinarily good at this technique, being able to
simultaneously recharge from Ukyou, Akane, and Shampoo.
To research the theory behind the technique, Cologne lent
Ranma a number of books in non-Japanese languages, and
a magical 'rensu' with which to read them. Ranma has been
trying to obtain one of his own ever since.
During a summer training trip, Ukyou has been introduced
to Chingensai, the founder of Okonomiyaki martial arts.
Ukyou is now obliged to carry on the Saotome School, not
necessarily as an "Anything Goes" school, and Chingensai
volunteered to visit Ukyou every few weeks to help her
develop the new School. Chingensai also taught Ranma an
invisibility technique and its counter.
Ranma, Akane, and Ukyou had spring and summer break jobs
as security personnel disguised as caterers for receptions
and conferences, working for two government security men,
Sumizu and Jounsu. Shampoo was added to the team for one
of these, a Japan-China summit meeting, at which
four Musk Dynasty and four Phoenix Mountain terrorists
attempted the assassination of the Premier of the People's
Republic. Ranma, Akane, Ukyou, and Shampoo prevented this.
This incident was televised, but the government officially
branded the responsible caterers as 'typical uninteresting
officeladies.'
Time: During Ranma, Akane, and Ukyou's senior year at Furikan High School.
Late autumn. Between three and four months after the "Midsummer"
stories.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Act I. Thursday.
Late afternoon, Nabiki's room. Nabiki is sitting at her desk,
looking out the window, tapping her teeth with a pencil. She has a small
portable TV on a side table, turned to the news. College textbooks are
spread out open in front of her. To one side, her computer is running a
stock ticker-tape display and a real-time international sales summary of the
Topless Ranma-chan product line.
TV: In financial news, share prices in newly-formed investment concern
TennabCo rose another ten points today...
Nabiki: o O (Need to adjust the odds for the St. Hebereke gymnastics
match. Polls at St. Hebereke show the ladies there think
Kodachi-chan'll win this time, so they'll bet on her.)
TV: In China, 28 were reported dead in riots in Xining, capital of...
Nabiki: o O (No way I'm betting against Ranma, though. I lose money
every time I do that.)
Nabiki turns the TV down. Reflexively, she glances at her computer screen
as she picks up her cell phone.
Nabiki: o O (Hmmm... sales of the new Topless Ranma-chan placemat are up 55%
in Peru this month.)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Dojo. Onna-Ranma, wearing a leotard, is practicing with rhythmic
gymnastics accoutrements: clubs, hoops, and a ribbon.
Ranma: o O (I've got to be better than this. Kodachi has had a whole
year to practice up to beat me, and I'm *not* losing this
rematch.)
(grins) o O (This one'll make three straight... and I'm still
the only person who's ever beat her in the ring.)
Ranma hurls two dozen clubs against a pad on one inner wall of the Dojo
in less than a second.
o O (With all her potions 'n stuff, I need to use my speed
to finish her off quickly. If I give her the time, she
might get lucky and get through with something.)
Ranma uses the ribbon to retrieve six of the fallen clubs from the floor.
(frowns) o O (Can't give her time to use any rare tropical nerve
toxins, let alone that rabid Giant Sumatra Rat she chained to my
wrist last year.)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Later. Ranma is cleaning up the dojo and putting away the tools.
Ranma: o O (Good thing we're not working this coming weekend.
I can use the practice. I haven't worked out with these
tools since this time last year.)
o O (Wonder if I should get Shampoo to help me practice?
She's much better at a wide variety of weapons than either
Akane or Ukyou, and she's almost caught back up to them
in speed and quickness...)
(grins) o O (...cause of all the ki charging we do. We've
all been working together nearly every weekend since Kyoto,
sparring during the week, ...and kissing...)
(frowns) o O (I gotta give Shampoo some thought, though...
Even if Akane is okay with this, is it really right?)
(smiles again) o O (Gotta admit, though, I *am* lucky.
The guys at school are so envious. Akane... Ucchan... )
Pictures fill the air around him: of Akane's face, smiling to light up a
room; of Ukyou's quiet smile and companionable eyes; of Shampoo's open
adoration.
o O (Well, I *am* handsome, and the best fighter around...
Not to mention beautiful when I'm a girl... And I've gone
through hell to get to this point... )
o O (I wonder if they're happy, though. Most of the girls
at school can't understand why Akane and Ucchan put up
with this, even for me.)
o O (Oyaji always used to say that girls like romance. Mushy
stuff. Whispered compliments, one-on-one. Flowers and dinner
and poetry. Making them feel like they're the whole world to you.)
o O (Would Akane like it if I did something romantic?
Would Ucchan? Dunno; haven't really tried.)
o O (Maybe I should... I've got some money now, from
the job. I should ask if they wanna go on a date
or somethin'.)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A bit later, downstairs, the kitchen at the Tendo-ke. Akane, Ukyou,
Nodoka, and Kasumi are standing around talking and nibbling on cookies.
Nodoka: Akane, do you think Ranma will have any problems with
the week after your high school graduation?
Akane: (clenches fist) No, he *won't*.
Nodoka: We'll just pick an auspicious day during that week, then...
Ukyou: Another western wedding?
Akane: I think maybe traditional Shinto this time. I don't want
to repeat *last* spring's fiasco in any way.
Nabiki enters.
Nabiki: Can we have the wedding somewhere other than the Dojo? It
cost rather a lot to repair it last time. In fact, I'd
like to suggest outdoors, in the park, just in case...
Akane looks nonplused, Nodoka and Kasumi doubtful.
Akane: ...Is that really okay?
Nabiki: Sure! Gaijin do it all the time! We just need a
caterer who'll supply the food, but the guests won't
mind since it'll be cherry blossom season anyway.
Any volunteers? (looking at Ukyou)
Ukyou: (looks skyward, shrugs resignedly) ...Sure...
Nodoka: But what about a shrine or altar for the ceremony?
Just then Happosai darts into the kitchen, heading for the cookies.
Happosai: What about that pleasant little shrine just down
the side-street to one side of the park?
(grabs cookie plate and devours all remaining cookies)
Ukyou: Nani? Is there a shrine there? I never noticed it...
Nodoka: Oh, yes, I remember it from when I was a girl. The torii
can't have been repainted for years, though.
Akane: (furiously glaring at Happosai) I don't want my wedding
to be at a decrepit looking shrine!
Nabiki: But you and Ranma have several months in which to clean it up
and repaint the torii, right? I'll even help you, by locating
the hereditary shrine priest.
Happosai: And I'll be the go-between for the wedding!
Akane and Ukyou look at Happosai in alarm, Nodoka in resignation.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Early evening. Ranma and Akane enter the Nekohanten, Ranma carrying
a book satchel. Ranma has one hand in his pocket.
Shampoo: Nihao, Airen! Nihao, Akane!
Shampoo walks over to the pair sedately, smiling. Akane is also smiling.
Ranma:
Daisuke and Hiroshi, sitting at a table nearby, spit out their ramen
broth. Yuka and Sayura pound them on the back.
Shampoo:
Akane: HEY! Speak Japanese! (elbows Ranma)
Ranma leaves his hand in his pocket. His brow furrows.
Ranma: o O (Lemme try something new...)
Actually, , Shampoo. And I'd like
to reread one of the others again. (draws in air with finger)
Everybody within earshot stares at Ranma.
Ranma: (removes hand from pocket, grabs pigtail at back of neck)
Heh, heh... Harder than I thought...
Shampoo: Shampoo fetch! Ranma and Akane sit down and have tea!
Shampoo takes the satchel from Ranma and disappears into the back.
Ranma: (whispers to Akane) Sorry about that. It's really hard
to talk to someone in anything other than their native tongue.
Remember that when you get your own rensu some day.
Akane: (whispers back) Yeah, right. Why do you still have that thing,
anyway? And why are you so fascinated with it?
Ranma: Ah, Cologne ain't asked for it back yet, has she?
(looking down) I just figured out why the other day, actually.
It has to do with oyaji, of course... How different my life
would be if he could have read that Chinese guidebook,
or if he'd bothered to read one page farther in the Nekoken
Advanced Combat manual...
I don't want to make mistakes like that with *my* kids...
A few moments later, Mousse walks in from the back and confronts a folding
landscape screen.
Mousse: Tendo Ranma! Are you here to pester Shampoo again with your
womanizing ways?
Yuka to Sayura: (whispering) He's got *that* right!
Mousse: I won't stand for it! (attacks screen with chains and hooks)
A few customers look at Mousse, alarmed, or act disturbed at the noise.
Ranma casually tosses a nearby glass of water over Mousse, and the noise
lessens dramatically.
A few moments later Shampoo reappears. She turns up her nose and sniffs
as she walks past the sulking duck.
Shampoo: Ranma, here book you want, and another book Shampoo no think
you see yet. Shampoo seldom see this one; Hibachan keep
locked away usually.
Ranma and Akane stand. Ranma takes the satchel.
Ranma: (warmly) Thanks, Shampoo.
Ranma turns towards the door, extending one arm to give Shampoo a brief
hug. She tilts her head up. Ranma gives Shampoo a quick peck on the
cheek, then disengages. Both Ranma and Shampoo glow briefly with the
contact. Akane bows, smiling, then waves as she and Ranma leave.
Shampoo gives a quick bouncy hop as she waves goodbye, hugging a tray
to her chest.
Daisuke: (slowly, staring) Did we miss something?
Yuka: (also staring) I guess we must have...
Hiroshi and Sayura nod solemnly. In the corner, a duck seethes with hatred.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Later, Akane's bedroom. Akane is getting ready for bed, in a cheerful
mood. Ukyou just sits, looking pensive.
Akane: Are you feeling okay, Ukyou? You're quiet...
Ukyou: Just... life, I guess. You know, Ran-chan, us...
...Shampoo...
Akane: Nani?
Ukyou: Well... After the Kyoto job, and the jobs since...
The way we work together now... I just find myself
wondering when...
Akane: (amused) Next you'll be worrying about Kodachi.
Ukyou: ...No, I don't think so. You know none of us can stand her,
especially Ran-chan.
No, it's really Shampoo, and it's not even really her...
I'm not sure any more that I think it'd be that bad if
we do end up sharing Ran-chan with her... But that's
what scares me more than anything. When did I start
feeling this way? Am I making any sense at all?
Akane: (turns away) Yes. You're making a lot of sense.
(pauses) I used to think I hated Shampoo. She was
always... better than me at everything. Exotic, where
I'm just a normal schoolgirl. Just a few months ago,
when Ranma taught her the ki technique, I was furious
with him. I told him that this... us... would NEVER, EVER
work with Shampoo. Lately, though, I catch myself
wishing that Shampoo were here, whenever you or
Ranma say something funny, or when something happens
that she'd think was funny...
Ukyou: Yeah, that's pretty much it.
(pause) You know, I kind of slipped up with Mother
the other day. I asked her, as a hypothetical question,
how she'd feel about me marrying a foreigner.
Akane: (surprised) You did? What'd she say?
Ukyou: I don't think I fooled her for an instant. She knew
who I meant. She said she'd think about it, but I
could see a spark of excitement in her.
(frowns) She's thinking about grandchildren again...
Akane: (curiously) Would you really? I mean... that's a big
step. You'd be binding yourself to her. And then
you couldn't marry a man at all.
Ukyou: (miserably) I don't know. I don't even know why I asked
the question; it just popped out. Even a month ago,
I thought I'd just stay single, see how things work out,
maybe marry Konatsu someday if you and I couldn't stand
each other any more. Konatsu's got to be the only guy
in Japan who'd marry me *knowing* that my heirs have to be
Ran-chan's kids.
Akane: ...but now...
Ukyou: Well, I just never... miss Konatsu. I just don't ever
feel like it'd particularly hurt if I don't see him for
a week, or a month, or a year. I don't suddenly want him
here in the middle of the night when something funny
happens. Like the other night, when Ran-chan
discovered Happosai's stash in your ceiling...
Akane: (falls over laughing) ...and my-my p-panties f-fell
down open onto her head and covered it...
Ukyou: (rolling on side, hugging sides) ...and you accused
her of being a panty pervert...
Both Ukyou and Akane fall silent while they recover their breath.
Akane: Yes, you're right. I wasn't thinking about Shampoo
at the time, but... that would've been just perfect...
(imitates) 'Aiyaa! Airen inhale wrong panty!'
Ukyou: (breaks out laughing again, gasps out)
'Airen smell Shampoo panty instead!'
Both girls break out in uncontrollable laughter. For a while they
set each other off, each pointing at the other laughing, falling
over, and clutching their sides.
Eventually the two quiet down. They turn to look at each other.
Ukyou: ...What're we going to do, Akane? Dig in our heels?
I'm not even sure what I want...
Akane: (miserably) I don't know. Maybe it is fate, and we should
just accept it. (pauses) It's... getting hard to think
about her leaving the team...
(determined expression) But regardless of whether we want her
to join us, there are still obstacles. She won't give up on
her dream of taking Ranma back to China with her. Until
she does, we can't unconditionally trust her, especially
alone with Ranma. She might drug him and kidnap him. She
hasn't promised she won't.
Ukyou: Hai. It doesn't seem like we can trust Shampoo alone with
Ranma for more than a few hours or so at a time, except when
we're on a job; and even a few hours only when we've put her
on her honor. She seems to accept that. I hope she changes
her mind some day...
Akane: Maybe we can help change her mind by tempting her, letting her
see the good side of life here, with us...
Neither girl says anything for a bit.
Akane: You know, as I think about it, it's funny. A few months
ago, just thinking about Shampoo alone with Ranma for a
few hours would have driven me crazy. I'd be obsessed
with the thought of her throwing herself at Ranma, or of
him putting moves on her. But now...
Ukyou: Yeah... After what we've been through together, it just
doesn't seem that important... I can't even conceive of
Ran-chan not coming back to us...
Akane: She loves him so much, and it seems mean to get in her way...
There is a tap on the window, and Ranma leaps in through the window
to join Ukyou and Akane.
Ranma: Hiya, Ucchan. Love ya, Akane. (kisses both; sits down)
Whatcha up to?
Akane: Just talking. Girl talk.
Ranma: Can't I listen? I'm a girl sometimes.
Ukyou: But we're talking girl talk about *you*, sugar.
Ranma: Well, that's not what I wanted to say, anyway. (deep breath)
Listen, I've been thinking... Would you guys like it if I
did some romantic stuff, like maybe asked both of you out on
dates or somethin'?
Ukyou's and Akane's eyes glaze over and they facefault.
Ranma: What'd you guys prefer? Consecutive nights?
Akane and Ukyou look at each other.
Ukyou: You should go first, Akane.
Ranma: Well, how about tomorrow with you, Akane, and Saturday night
I'll take Ucchan out.
Akane and Ukyou glance at each other.
Akane: (murmurs) ...a few hours...
Akane puts an inquiring expression on her face. Ukyou nods.
Akane: (to Ranma) ...and Sunday?...
Ranma blinks.
Ukyou: Ran-chan, don't you think it would be nice to include Shampoo?
Ranma just stares, head turning back and forth.
Akane: (stern expression) You're taking Shampoo out on Sunday, Ranma.
That's final!
Ranma: (bigsweats) ....
Ukyou: (smiles) And then the three of us can take you out on Monday
night for a victory party, after your match with Kodachi!
The camera pans outside the house. We see a figure in a ninja suit
is in the tree, peering into Akane's bedroom window with large,
complex-looking binoculars. The figure silently leaps over to the ledge
just outside the window. Now we can see, from the chest shape, that the
figure is clearly female. The ninja suit is spotless, patchless, expensively
tailored, and made of some glittering black fabric. The ninja's hair is
worn in a ponytail.
The view pans away, and now we can see another ninja, with a much longer
ponytail, on a nearby rooftop, watching the first ninja. This second ninja's
suit is worn and has patches.
First ninja: o O (Oh ho. The intelligence I purchased was indeed true.)
After a while the first ninja departs, bounding over the rooftops into
the distance. A faint, eerie laugh drifts back from the direction the
first ninja has gone. The second ninja glances at the bedroom window,
as if troubled, before following the first at a discreet distance.
End Act I.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Act II. Friday.
Afternoon, St Hebereke High gymnasium. Kodachi is training, in combat
against four of her teammates simultaneously. One by one, she drives
them from the ring. When she's finished, a short, extremely aged figure
in a *very* elegant kimono and obi, leaps up onto the post nearest Kodachi.
Figure: That's much better, kurobara-chan. One more match today,
then we'll break to refine your strategy. This time,
you'll spar with just me.
The figure hops into the ring and picks up a club and a hoop.
Kodachi squares off and the two begin. Kodachi lasts four minutes.
Kodachi: (pants, bent over) That's... better... isn't... it,
Fujiwara-sensei?
Fujiwara: Hai. You are improving. Now, with the right strategy,
you can win this match.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Late afternoon, Ucchan's Okonomiyaki. The door slides open, and
Ukyou walks in. Konatsu is waitressing in his kimono. Cooking is
a young woman in an outfit similar to that in which Ukyou cooks.
Ukyou: Konnichiwa, Konatsu, Reiko.
Konatsu: (bowing on floor) Okonnichiwa, Ukyou-sama.
Reiko: (waving a spatula) Hiya, Ukyou-san. You cooking?
Ukyou: Let me look over the books and supplies first. Then
I'll take the grill for the dinner rush.
Ukyou checks supply quantities and cash-on-hand, then spends an
hour updating the accounting books and chatting with Konatsu and
Reiko about business. She asks about her regular customers, and
chats with those present. She asks about any comments either have
heard, on the decor, on the menu, on the competition. Just as
she's about to go upstairs to change clothes, Konatsu stops her,
whispering low enough so that Reiko doesn't hear.
Konatsu: Ukyou-sama, I must warn you about something. The Tendo
house has been under surveillance by Kunou Kodachi.
Ukyou: Surveillance? She's not just trying to get in to hurt
Ranma's girl form? And how do you know?
Konatsu: (bows to floor) I humbly beg your pardon, Ukyou-sama,
for my impertinence, but... I have been keeping watch.
Ukyou: (just looks at Konatsu for a moment, then slowly smiles)
That's okay, I guess, Konatsu, though I really think
you should find better uses for your time. I should
have realized you might be doing that. Konatsu... I...
(pauses, then resumes)
Anyway, what have you seen?
Konatsu: I have seen Kodachi twice at the Tendo-ke, in the tree
and perched outside Akane-san's bedroom window. On
the second occasion she carried a complex device which
she looked through.
Ukyou: She didn't try doing anything either time?
Konatsu: No, she just watched.
Ukyou: That's not like her. What's she up to?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Later. The Nekohanten. Kodachi strolls in with three of her teammates.
They sit in Shampoo's area.
Shampoo: Irasshairu. (hands out menus, frowns at Kodachi)
Kodachi: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. (holds hand up to mouth) If it isn't
the mainland competition. Well, *you* should be overjoyed
soon; I'm about to eliminate one of our competitors for the
hand of my darling Ranma-sama.
Shampoo: What crazy rose girl say? Hurt Akane? (frowns)
Kodachi: Oh-ho-ho-ho. Not at all. I am referring to that vile tart
my brother calls osage-no-onna. She again represents
Furikan High School in honorable gymnastics combat against
my own alma mater, the day after tomorrow.
(sly smile) But she has reckoned without my expertise
in pharmaceuticals.
Shampoo: o O (Crazy girl want hurt Ranma? No can let. What Shampoo
do? Warn Akane and Ukyou about crazy girl drugs? That
do no good; they already know. Warn lovesick doctor?)
o O (Is Crazy girl obstacle? Should just kill? No, Ranma
not like.)
o O (With Hibachan away, Shampoo knows as much about drugs
as anyone here. Shampoo go to match, take all antidotes
in kitchen, just in case.)
(aloud) Shampoo come watch crazy girl match then. See...
competitor... go away.
Kodachi carefully watches Shampoo's face out of the corner of her eye.
A small smile appears on her face.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Another restaurant. Ranma and Akane are sitting in a booth, holding
hands across the table.
Ranma: You look nice tonight, Akane.
Akane: Ummmmm...
After a few moments Ranma continues.
Ranma: Akane... are you really happy?
Akane: Huh? Of course... being (blushes) alone with you...
We don't spend much time alone...
Ranma: That's kinda what I really meant. Not just tonight,
but in general. I mean... Akane, I want you to be
happy, as happy as I can make you. I just wanna
know if you're still okay with Ucchan, and how you
really feel about Shampoo...
Akane: (whaps him) Ranma, lesson number one in Mushy Stuff
Martial Arts: *don't* talk about other women when
you're trying to make me feel special!
Ranma: (holds head, looks hurt) .... Sorry, Akane. I
just... it's important to me to know you're still okay
with things, and I can't ask when they're around...
Akane: (crosses arms, looks stern, then relents) Okay,
Ranma, this time... But don't bring this up with
Ukyou or Shampoo. When you're with them, talk about
them, or listen, okay? Tell them they're pretty or
something. Spout poetry about their faces.
(face softens) Look, Ranma... You have the right
idea. You need to learn how to be romantic. The
quickest way to make all of us unhappy is for you
to treat us as interchangeable. If you can make
each of us feel unique and treasured, I think we
can all get along.
Ranma: (looks at Akane, drinking her in...)
Suddenly the window next to their booth shatters, and a dozen maces
and knives on chains fly in. Ranma and Akane, without looking away
from each other, absently dodge all the chains, which wreck havoc on
the rest of the restaurant. Customers scream and flee.
Ranma: Akane, you're just so beautiful when you're happy. You mean
so much to me. (tilts his head towards her)
A dozen bombs, black spheres with burning fuses and bundles of dynamite
sticks with ticking clocks, fly in through the window. Without letting
go of each other, Ranma and Akane flip themselves through the air, exchanging
sides of the booth, and kick all the bombs back outside.
Akane: Ranma... Do you like my dress? And tell me about my eyes again.
Ranma: I could look at your eyes forever, Akane. I've never seen a
cuter pair. They match the color of your dress, too.
o O (They do?)
Ranma glances at his sleeve again, where he is wearing a taped slip of
paper written in Ukyou's handwriting.
Ranma: o O (Yeah, that's what it says...) Smile for me again. I like
it when you do that.
A cage full of alleycats comes flying in the broken window. Akane pulls
Ranma close, before he can see them.
Akane: (whispers) ...close your eyes...
Akane kisses Ranma, covering his ears with her hands. She kicks the cage
back outside, sparing one eye to check direction. Releasing Ranma's ears,
she throws, in rapid succession, a glass of water, one of the knives from
a chain, a mace, and the leftover sashimi from her plate.
Akane: (still kissing) Ohhhh, Ranma... (giggles) You taste good.
Outside, the mace impacts the cat cage, freeing the cats, who smell the
sashimi coating the duck, who is impaled to a wall by a knife through its
wing feathers. The cats approach. The duck quacks in outrage.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Ucchan's. Reiko has left. Ukyou is behind the counter, straightening
and cleaning. Shampoo walks in and sits at the counter.
Ukyou: Irrashaimase, Shampoo! Done cleaning up already?
Shampoo: (sniffs) Clean-up is Mousse's job.
Ukyou: Must be nice having such inexpensive help.
Shampoo: And how much Ukyou pay ninja waitress these days?
Ukyou: (chuckles) Got me there.
Shampoo: Airen and Akane on date tonight. Shampoo feeling lonely.
Ukyou: Me too, just a bit. (smiles) Okay, cards or recipe swap?
Shampoo: Ukyou take all Shampoo's money last time play cards.
Ukyou: How about we play cards, but bet recipes instead of money?
Ukyou finishes behind the grill, then moves to lock the front door. She
returns, waving to a booth near the back and producing a pack of cards.
As Ukyou deals:
Shampoo: (abruptly) Ukyou happy being second wife to Airen?
Ukyou: Second wife? (smiles) Better watch it who you use that phrase
with... Not that I mind it myself.
(thinks it over) Yes, actually, I am happy. It's... different
than I thought it'd be. It's work, keeping everyone happy, but
very satisfying...
Shampoo: (mutters absently) ...even more work with three wives...
(looking closely at her hand) Ante Shanghai Ramen Surprise.
Ukyou: (raises eyebrow) Kuonji secret eel okonomiyaki.
End Act II.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Act III. Saturday.
Next morning, a Saturday, one without school. Ranma walks in
to the living room as Akane is watching television.
Ranma: (hugs Akane and kisses her cheek) Whatcha watchin'?
Akane: (giggles) Oh, it's a new show which Yuka insisted I
just had to see. Anime. I taped it last night while
we were on our date.
Ukyou: (walking in) Oh, that show Yuka mentioned?
TV: Previously, on "Typical Uninteresting Officeladies!"
When we last saw them, Aaruko, Eiko, Yuuko, and Esuko were
deep underground, in desperate straits indeed!
Ranma, Akane, and Ukyou stare open-mouthed as very good, recognizable
caricatures of themselves, plus Shampoo, dressed in kimonos, fight
a dozen slime-dripping winged demons. As they watch, shock gradually
gives way to amusement at the unrealistic fight scenes. Then, during
the credits...
Akane: Nani? Character Design and Creative Consultant...
TENDO NABIKI ?!?!?!
R/A/U: NABIKI!!!!!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Late morning. Street scene. Akane, Ukyou, and Onna-Ranma are walking
down the street, splashing through occasional puddles, carrying boxes
of cleaning supplies. Coming the other direction is a small palanquin
carried by four uniformed men. Kodachi and Kunou are walking alongside
the palanquin, Kodachi in a kimono and obi; Kunou in his hakama.
Kunou: Ah, tis my three loves! Let us go on a triple date!
I will free you all from the foul fiend Tendo Ranma!
(darts forward, arms outstretched)
Ranma, Akane, and Ukyou glance at each other as if to say "whose turn?"
Kunou: The sound of the Gion Shouja bells echos the impermanence
of all things! The color of the sala flowers reveals the truth
that the prosperous must fall! Surely, too, Ranma shall fall
at last! Where is the knave who keeps my lovelies in thrall?
Kodachi grimaces and turns to whisper into the palanquin.
Ranma: o O (Hey, we had those lines in class last month, in that old
book. Is *that* where he gets all the bizarre things he says?)
o O (How did that go again? Oh yes...)
Onna-Ranma poses, knee bent and hands behind neck, elbows up, making Bambi-eyes
at Kunou. Akane and Ukyou look at Ranma in mild disgust.
Akane: (whispers) *Must* you do it that way?
Ranma: Do not attach blame, Momijiba
red maple leaves, to the wind Kunou no atsukaze
from Kunou's hot air; Uramo na yo
The wind has not the power Chiru o ba e koso
to keep you from scattering. Todomezarikere.
o O (Oops! A syllable short on the opening line! Won't win
any Martial Arts Poetry Composition matches that way!)
Kunou stops, open-mouthed, and catches Ranma's kick square in the face.
Ranma picks up the unconscious Kunou and approaches the palanquin.
The palanquin window slides open and a tiny arm, about the size of
Happosai's, stretches out and whaps Ranma on the head with a folded fan.
Voice: Impertinent girl! Such horrible manners! And a lousy poet too!
Ranma: Hey! What was that for? He's the one who keeps pestering
us!
Kodachi: Sensei, this is Te... my opponent for Monday's match, the
girl my brother calls his 'pig-tailed goddess'.
The palanquin door opens and out hops Fujiwara-sensei, clad in an full
kimono and obi. Her white hair is worn up, rather like Nodoka's, with
two chopsticks pinning it up. She squints up at Ranma.
Fujiwara: So, you are the one! I hope you have been practicing, young
lady! Kurobara-chan here is quite good. I should know;
I have been training her myself for the last six months.
Kodachi: Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! (covers mouth with hand) Sensei, these other
two girls are Tendo Akane and Saotome Ukyou. I assume the two
of you will assist Ra... my opponent?
Akane: (grins) Sure will! You're toast, Kodachi. We're already planning
our victory party for Monday night.
Kodachi: (small smile) ...we'll see... Oh, but I'm being so rude.
This is my sensei, Fujiwara-sama. And yes, she is a descendant
on her father's side from *those* Fujiwara.
Akane and Ukyou stare, impressed.
Ranma: (yawns) ...and what have you done for us lately?
Fujiwara-sensei is suddenly standing on Ranma's head. She bends over and
hits Ranma on the nose with her fan.
Fujiwara: You need a lesson in manners, young lady!
Ranma: And you're goin' to teach me, ya old mummy?
Ranma attempts to grab Fujiwara-sensei, but misses as she's hopped off Ranma's
head. Ranma receives a whap to the ear in the attempt. Two more grabs by
Ranma miss. Ranma glares at Fujiwara-sensei, who is now standing atop her
palanquin.
Akane: ...Come on, Ranma. That's enough. We've got to get to the
shrine.
Kodachi: Please don't let us detain you. Osage-no-onna... (smiles) I'll see
you Monday.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The shrine across from the park. Ranma, Akane, and Ukyou, all
dressed in loose, second-hand clothes, are working to clean the
place up. Akane is holding a bucket of orange paint and is
painting the torii. Ranma is cleaning the altar. Ukyou is
polishing the bell.
Ranma: o O (There's something stuck under one corner here. Let
me give it a tug.)
A hidden drawer containing a scroll pops out. Ranma unrolls it and
glances over the text, then grimaces and tries again with one hand
in his pocket.
Ukyou: Ran-chan? What's that?
Ranma: Just found it. It's a dedication scroll for this shrine.
Hmmm... it says this spot was chosen by a famous priest
for its auspicious gatherings of local kami, particularly
during the spring. "At such times great workings are
attempted by the wise."
Ukyou: ...Well, I guess that sounds good for your wedding...
I don't know that I'd call your wedding a "great working",
though.
Ranma: It also says that this is a good shrine for weddings and
coming-of-age ceremonies. There's a list of suggested
contribution amounts for each type.
(frowns) What's a "bar mitzvah"?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
That evening. The park. Ranma and Ukyou are strolling through the
park, arm-in-arm. Ukyou is dressed in a skirt and blouse.
Ukyou: This is *so* nice, Ran-chan. We almost never get to do
this... comes with being your brother, I suppose...
Mother doesn't like me dressing like this in public, or
the two of us doing anything to cause a scandal.
Ranma: (sheepishly) ...You don't mind Mom, do you, Ucchan?
Ukyou: Nah, I'm still more comfortable dressed as a boy. But
occasionally I like pretending to myself we're man and wife.
Ranma: ....
Ukyou: Just pretend, of course... Ran-chan, I know we can never be
married now, no matter what. I accepted that fact when I
accepted Mother's offer. But we *are* family, irrevocably.
Ranma: I gotta admit, Ucchan, I kinda always did think of you more
as a brother or a sister. Not quite that way, once I found
out you're a girl... but definitely a friend, a companion,
someone who's fun to be around. Cute, too.
Ukyou: (smiles) Ran-chan...
Directly in their path is a dense covering of leaves. Ranma and Ukyou
hop over it without paying it any particular attention. Ranma then
absently tosses a rock back over his shoulder. The rock falls through
the leaves into the pit they concealed. In the tree above them, someone
mutters in disbelief.
Ukyou: Tell me about the cute part again.
Ranma: (glances at Ukyou, but focuses past her, on index card in hand
across her shoulder)
Well, I like your nose, the way it crinkles a bit when you're
just a bit peeved... I like your eyes; there's something
restful about them which I've never figured out...
In fact...
Ranma picks up Ukyou, whirling her out of the way of a falling concrete
grass roller, while bending over and pressing his face to hers, nose to
nose, and looking into her eyes.
Ranma (pauses) Nope. Still can't figure it out. I like it, though...
Ranma kisses her thoroughly, raising his left hand just in time to catch
a steel beam and toss it back into the tree it fell from. A dull thunk is
heard. A few minutes later, Ranma lets Ukyou back up.
Ukyou: (catches breath) ...Ran-chan... You're certainly learning
how to show a girl a good time...
Ranma and Ukyou wrap arms around each other's waists and continue into
the park, Ukyou leaning her head on Ranma's shoulder.
Ranma: Ucchan, sometimes... I wonder how good a father I'm going to be,
especially to *our* children. I want to be there for all my
children, all the time; I want to be a good father,
better than my pop, but... it's not going to be easy.
Ukyou: ...I know... (sighs) That part'll be easier if we're all living
in the same household, but... I don't know if we will be...
The two stop in a clearing and look up at the moon, then into each
other's eyes. Above, in a tree, a figure in white robes maneuvers
with a large metal drum labeled "ACID". Without looking away from Ranma,
Ukyou produces a hand spatula with her left hand and throws. It
slices through the drum on the side facing the figure. The contents
of the drum shoot out onto the figure's body.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Akane's bedroom. Akane is sitting on her bed and looking out the window.
Her hands are cuddling something which would be small, if it existed,
and in her lap. Shampoo appears at the window and taps. Akane starts, then
lets her in.
Shampoo: Nihao, Akane. Airen out with Ukyou? Shampoo think you
might be lonely.
Akane: ..It's not that... (pauses, then sniffles)
I.. I'm sorry, Shampoo, I'm just missing P-chan again.
I wish he hadn't turned out to be that hentai Ryouga.
It was so nice to sit here and pet him, thinking that he
didn't care if I could cook or not, that he loved me for
who I was... And petting him just made me feel better.
There's just something about holding a small animal, feeling
the fur...
Shampoo: (stands still, considering) ...Akane feel better if have
furry pet?...
Akane looks up at Shampoo, still sniffling. Shampoo looks as uncertain
as Akane's ever seen her. Neither moves for a bit. Akane's eyes
gradually widen.
Akane: ...Shampoo?...
Shampoo, with sudden determination, drenches herself with a bucket of
water. Neko-Shampoo hops up into Akane's lap. Eyes wide, Akane slowly
moves her hands to pet neko-Shampoo's back.
End Act III.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Act IV. Sunday.
Mid-day. The Tendo Dojo. Onna-Ranma, dressed in a leotard, is sitting
cross-legged on the floor, reading.
Ranma: o O (This book *is* interesting. It says a lot more
about some stuff than those other books Cologne lent
me. Hmmm... according to this part, the theoretical
limit to the number of members of the opposite sex
a person can charge from simultaneously is four. And
I can already do three.)
o O (Getting the flows tuned right is the trick.
Hmmm... three has only been achieved a few times in
history, apparently. And it's not clear that four
is actually achievable in practice.)
Ranma flips through a few pages, skimming the contents. Suddenly
his eyes are riveted to a page.
Ranma: (reads) o O (The rensu was brought to Joketsuzoku by a
pilgrim from India, who died without revealing the means
of manufacture. He did say, however, that massive flows
of ki were involved, along with other measures. The
amount of ki... NANI?)
Ranma pauses, staring at the page in shock. Then she looks up at
the ceiling, absently moving her lips.
o O (That's... actually not that bad, at least for me...
About three weeks solid charge from Akane and Ukyou if I
don't expend any; less with Shampoo as well. But I never
go three weeks without fighting, so I'll have to start
stockpiling ki months in advance, probably...
...and the book says even that's not enough, you have to
have a lot of benign spiritual omens 'n stuff..)
(considers) o O (Hmmm... the shrine... during my wedding?
...gives me enough time... all I need is the recipe...)
Akane and Ukyou enter the Dojo dressed in their gis. Both bow, then
approach Ranma. Ranma puts the book away.
Akane: Looking forward to your date with Shampoo, Ranma?
Ranma: (looks down) err... yeah.
Ukyou: Ran-chan?
Ranma: (approaches girls and hugs both) ...Look, it's nice that
you guys are okay about Shampoo and everything, but...
I've been thinking...
Akane: (giggles) ...Who'd have thought?
Ranma just looks at her. Akane, abashed, shuts up.
Ranma: I just don't feel right about going any further with Shampoo.
Not as things stand, with her still wanting me to go back to
Joketsuzoku. It's not... fair to her... to keep this up when
there's no future to it. Maybe we could work something out
if she'd change her mind and be willing to stay in Japan, but...
Akane and Ukyou look at Ranma, surprised, then at each other.
Akane: Ranma, don't you think that's a bit of a chauvinist attitude?
*You* shouldn't be deciding what's fair to *her*. *She*
can decide that for herself.
Ranma: (looks up and away, arms crossed) Maybe, but it's *my* decision
whether I do anything with her at all, ya dumb...
Ukyou: (interrupting) Guys... please, let's just talk this out...
Both Akane and Ranma, abashed, turn and look at Ukyou.
Ran-chan, Akane and I have talked about Shampoo, and I guess
we just feel that... (shrugs) she's part of the team now.
Maybe someday she'll change her mind about wanting to go
back to China.
Voice: Nihao!
Shampoo appears, dressed in her usual tight Chinese outfit. Ranma nods at
Akane and Ukyou, then smiles at Shampoo and picks up a ribbon and club.
Shampoo: We fight with toys now?
Akane, Ukyou and Shampoo pick up clubs, ribbons, and hoops and begin
practicing with Ranma.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
That evening. Otoko-Ranma and Shampoo are walking through a brightly-lit
shopping area, arm-in-arm. They are trailed by a figure in white robes,
hopping from rooftop to rooftop behind him. Ranma has the rensu strapped
to his wrist, under his sleeve.
Shampoo:
Ranma: (sighs)
Shampoo:
Ranma:
Shampoo:
Shampoo puts her head on Ranma's shoulder. She sighs in happiness.
The two walk in silence for a bit.
Ranma:
Shampoo: (sighs) <...beloved husband...>
Ranma: (swallows) <...uh, I made up a haiku about you...>
(brow furrows, then, in Japanese)
Niichieju girl:
Angry eyes, defiant stance;
How did I tame you?
Shampoo: (claps and hops) Lovely poem! Airen so clever!
Ranma: (embarrassed, tugs pigtail)
Six sharp knives come flying at Ranma, carefully aimed to miss Shampoo.
Ranma catches the first one-handed, without looking away from Shampoo's
face, and parries the remainder, knocking them to the ground.
Shampoo:
Ranma:
(puts left arm around Shampoo)
Shampoo: (softly)
Ranma: ....
Shampoo: (sighs) <...but the thought never lasts. I must take you
home to Joketsuzoku someday, and you don't want to go...
And maybe I'll have to return soon in any case...>
A noose drops down from above onto Ranma's shoulders. Before it can be
pulled taut, Ranma reaches up with his right hand, grabs the rope, and
gives it a hard yank. As Ranma and Shampoo walk on, a body crashes to
the street behind them.
Ranma:
Shampoo:
A beer vending machine next to Ranma suddenly explodes, just as a chain
wraps itself around Shampoo. Moving faster than the explosion, Ranma
grabs Shampoo, breaks the chain, and leaps. Shampoo gives the chain
one last yank. A beer-soaked, bruised duck quacks loudly in the ruins
of the vending machine, watching at Ranma and Shampoo bound away. A
drunkard approaches.
Drunk: Hic! Need 'nother beer. (turns head bewilderedly)
No beer? (whimpers, then sees duck) Oh, beer-battered duck.
Hmmm... hungry, too, now that I think about it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Akane's bedroom. Ukyou and Akane are present.
Ukyou: What should we do for Ran-chan tomorrow night?
Akane: I don't know... Something really special.
Maybe sushi for dinner? Afterwards...
Both girls think for a bit.
Ukyou: Something Ran-chan'll really like, that we can all
participate in...
Akane suddenly blushes and looks away.
Ukyou: Akane?
Akane: ...I-it's nothing... Just a stray thought...
Ukyou: (grins) C'mon, share!
Akane: NO! ...I-it's too ecchi...
Ukyou: (grins) I'll do anything you're willing to do!
Akane: (blushing furiously, looking at wall) Remember that book Cologne
lent us? The illustrated one, with the... positions?
Ukyou: (giggles) Oh, right! Ran-chan couldn't ever forget it
if we ever actually did one of those...
(stops, looks at Akane, mouth open) Are you serious?
Akane: (turns bright red, looks away, drops voice)
...one of the ones with the most ki charge in the whole
book is with a man and three women... number 137...
Ukyou: (staring) ....
Akane: (turning to Ukyou, a bit angrily) ...if you hadn't said
"something we can all participate in" right then, I wouldn't
have had such an ecchi thought!
Ukyou: ...Wait a minute... 137? Isn't that the one... Akane, you
and I would have to... with *each other*? And *Shampoo*?
OHHHH! I'M SO EMBARRASSED!
Ukyou blushes furiously and turns away from Akane, hiding her face with
one hand. The other hand gives Akane a series of near-Amaguriken speed
slaps in the face, followed by a vicious straight-arm, shoving her through
the wall. Akane lands on her back, on the floor in Nabiki's room.
Akane: (shocked expression) Oh, yeah... Ukyou embarrassed...
Akane stays where she is until Ukyou's face, very much abashed, appears
at the hole looking for her.
Ukyou: Anou... Sorry about that. I guess we'd better repair the wall
before Nabiki gets home...
End Act IV.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Act V. Monday. The gymnasium at St. Hebereke's School for Girls.
Onna-Ranma, wearing a leotard, is standing in the ring waiting
for Kodachi to make her entrance. In her corner are Akane,
Ukyou, and Shampoo.
Ukyou: You're worried that Kodachi might use drugs? Why didn't
you bring your great-grandmother?
Shampoo: Hibachan still back in Joketsuzoku. Trouble at
home in village. Maybe trouble with government also.
Ukyou: Oh, that's right; they had those riots in the capital
of your province. What's going on?
Shampoo: Shampoo not know exactly, but think maybe related to
separatists we meet in Kyoto. Hibachan say may need
Shampoo to come home if trouble gets worse.
Nabiki strolls up, notepad in hand and pencil behind ear.
Akane: Oneechan? What are you doing here? Don't you have
class?
Nabiki: Hey, I'm in college. Skipping classes is no big deal;
we don't learn anything anyway. I stand to make enough
on this match to make it worth my personal attention.
Someone else here you might be interested in... (points
into stands)
Akane, Shampoo, and Ukyou look where Nabiki is pointing. They see
Jounsu in a dark suit and sunglasses sitting in the stands, holding
a notebook and pencil.
Ukyou: Jounsu-san? What's he doing here?
Akane: (darkly) ...He'd better *not* be trying to recruit us another
teammate...
Shampoo: (startled) Another teammate? Shampoo no want work with
crazy gymnast!
Ukyou: I wouldn't worry too much; even if they offer, Kodachi'll
never be willing to do the catering grunt work.
Nabiki: o O (That's one of Ranma's, Akane's, and Ukyou's immediate
bosses. I still haven't figured out who they really work for.
They never say whenever I'm listening to the bug I planted, and
every system I hack into says these guys are on the IHA payroll.
But then why guard the summit? Or any of these other conferences
which have nothing to do with the Imperial Family?)
Kodachi makes her entrance, a high bounding somersault into the ring. She
is wearing her light green leotard. Fujiwara-sensei is in her corner,
holding a fan in front of her face, wearing a patterned kimono and obi.
Two of Kodachi's teammates are also in her corner.
Ranma: o O (Kodachi looks different somehow. What is it?)
Akane: (to Ukyou and Shampoo) ...Isn't there something
different about her leotard?
Ukyou: ...Yes. It's tighter, more revealing.
Shampoo: It look like something Shampoo might wear to impress
Ranma: tighter around hips, sheer on chest.
Akane: But why would Kodachi wear that in battle with girl-
Ranma?
Nabiki suddenly widens her eyes, starts to sweat, and darts away, pulling
her cellphone from her purse.
Kodachi: Kunou Kodachi, the Black Rose of St. Hebereke is here!
Prepare to lose, osage no onna!
Teammate A: (behind and to Kodachi's right) You're the greatest, Kodachi!
Teammate B: (to Kodachi's left) The greatest gymnast in the world!
The referee starts the match. Ranma carefully keeps as much distance as
she can from Kodachi, watching for any tricks. Ranma manages to dodge a
wristcuff with chain attempt; the other end of the chain is attached to
two eagles who fly out of the gymnasium.
Ranma: (leaping to far side of ring from Kodachi) Clubs!
Akane and Ukyou toss in two clubs and a hoop. Ranma immediately hurls
the hoop at Kodachi's feet, forcing a jump, and the clubs at Kodachi's
body at high speed. Kodachi is pushed back towards the ropes.
Ranma: o O (Two clubs aren't enough to push her over the ropes.)
Ranma uses her ribbon to retrieve her weapons, but just before touching
the second club notices something odd about it.
Kodachi: Ho-ho-ho. It seems you've picked up one of my clubs with yours.
(sly smile) I wonder what's in that one?
Ranma bigsweats, then uses her ribbon to fling it at Kodachi rather than
touching it. Kodachi catches it, opens it, and produces a powder puff
with which she refreshes her makeup. She gives Ranma a seductive smile.
Ranma retrieves another club and goes into her whirling nunchuks routine.
Kodachi: Sen-ju Konbo!! (Kodachi begins thrusting twenty clubs at Ranma)
Ranma uses a thrown ball to disrupt Kodachi's move, then darts forward and
plucks all twenty clubs from Kodachi's hands. Ranma throws them all at
Kodachi, forcing her to the ropes. However, Kodachi does not quite go over.
Ranma: o O (That would've won last year. She's improved.)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Underneath the ring, two dozen girls in leotards lie sleeping. Between
them steps a man in white robes, maneuvering equipment.
Mousse: Spell-infected animals, check. Gamma ray generator, check.
Periscope in place through corner post, check.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
In the ring:
Kodachi: Teapot!
Teammates A & B produce a steaming teapot, which Kodachi ensnares with
her ribbon. She holds it up and smiles at Ranma, who nervously backs
away.
Kodachi: (ballet leap) Attack of the boiling water!
Kodachi maneuvers around, spilling small quantities of hot water that just
miss Ranma. Ranma desperately dodges, watching the teapot rather than
Kodachi's face.
Akane: (frowning) Strange... Kodachi doesn't look like she's really
trying with that teapot. Look at her face.
Ukyou: Why would she do that? You don't suppose...
Shampoo: Crazy rose girl no figure out Ranma's curse?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Beneath the ring, Mousse has positioned a machine underneath Ranma's side
of the ring. He looks through his periscope for the right moment, then
pulls the switch.
Above, there is an audible hum coming from beneath the canvas.
Ranma: (angrily) What are your teammates up to now, Kodachi?
Ranma strikes the canvas, darting around to loosen it, then yanks it
free and throws it away, exposing Mousse operating his gamma ray
generator, conveniently so labeled on its side.
Mousse: Ha-ha-ha, Tendo Ranma! You've been exposed to a lethal amount
of radiation! You will sicken and die over weeks!
Akane's, Ukyou's, and Shampoo's faces whiten. Shampoo curses.
Ranma leaps from her corner post onto Mousse's head, knocking him out,
then uses the ribbon the pull the plug on the generator. As Mousse falls
over, Ranma regains her corner post.
With the mat ripped away, Onna-Ranma and Kodachi stand on opposite
posts, watching each other carefully.
Kodachi: (out of side of mouth, to seconds) Ready with that water?
Teammate A: Hai.
Kodachi suddenly turns and grabs a bucket of water held up by her
second, with her ribbon. She hurls it across the ring towards a third
corner post, near where Akane, Ukyou, and Shampoo are sitting. The
water drenches all three girls. The ribbon wraps around neko-Shampoo.
Akane and Ukyou: HEY!!!
Neko-Shampoo: NIAO!!
Ranma: C-c-c-c-CAT!!!
With a flick of her wrist, Kodachi hurls neko-Shampoo straight at
Onna-Ranma, who stands paralyzed in fear.
Just as neko-Shampoo gets half-way across the ring, however, a flash
of white from below intercepts her. Mousse stands in the middle of what
was the ring, holding Shampoo and another small mammal. He carefully
puts Shampoo down. Neko-Shampoo runs back to Akane and Ukyou.
Mousse: (looking at Kodachi, holding up the gray animal) Tendo Ranma!
Your life is now doubly forfeit! This weapon shall further my
revenge!
Ranma: (looking puzzled) Mousse and squirrel?
Mousse: Not just any squirrel! A squirrel ensorceled with the 3000 year
old Amazon Immune Deficiency Spell! One bite, and you will
sicken over time and die slowly and friendless! (laughs maniacally)
Kodachi: (laughs more maniacally) Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! You've spoiled
my certain victory, cretin! We'll see how you like my specially
tailored Ebola-Gangrene combination virus!
Mousse and Kodachi leap at each other. Hooks and pikes on chains emerge
from Mousse's sleeves. None hit Kodachi, but in dodging them she leaves
the ring, while landing ribbon whip blows on Mousse.
Mousse: Curare-tipped feather blizzard!
Kodachi: Neutron clubs bombardment!
Students hastily scatter and clear the side of the gymnasium occupied by
the combatents.
Mousse: Radium grenade!
Kodachi: Sulfuric acid shower!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
As the referee holds up onna-Ranma's hand to signal the victor,
Fujiwara-sensei leaps over, ignoring Kodachi and Mousse's continuing
fight.
Fujiwara: Congratulations, youngster. You have beaten my student.
Ranma: (bows) This time, I owe that to luck rather than skill,
grandmother. Kodachi has improved considerably since last year.
As Ranma straightens, her eye catches a thumb-sized gleaming jewel at
Fujiwara's wrist. A polychromatic, writhing radiance appears to emerge
from within the jewel. Suspicion, then certainty flare in Ranma's eyes.
Ranma: Honored elder, that is a very interesting jewel you have there.
I don't suppose you might tell me where you got it?
Fujiwara: (amused) You know about these? I *made* mine, quite an arduous
process, I assure you. Simple, but the ingredients...
Ranma: (bows again, deeper) I would be most honored to learn anything
you care to teach me...
Suddenly Happosai is glomped to onna-Ranma's chest. Ranma's eyes widen.
Ranma: YA OLD PERVERT!! GET OFFA ME! (strikes downward with elbow)
Fujiwara: (sniffs) Old reprobate! Don't you have anything better to do
with yourself?
Happosai moves just out of the way of Ranma's elbow, then releases Ranma
and drops to the floor, looking at Fujiwara.
Happosai: Maybe if *some* over-polite busybodies minded their own business,
I'd find something else to do.
Akane, Ukyou, and Shampoo, the latter now human and clothed, close in around Ranma.
Akane: You two know each other?
Happosai and Fujiwara: Unfortunately! (both turn their heads away from
each other and cross their arms)
Happosai slowly walks around Ranma, studying her body closely, one hand out
with open palm. Ranma stares, shuddering. Finally Happosai stops and smiles.
Happosai: Well, good. My favorite student is just fine. No long-term
effects from that radiation overdose that Chinese imbecile gave
you.
Ranma/Akane/Ukyou/Shampoo: No effects? (visible relief)
Akane: But how?
Happosai: Not that I thought there'd be, given the amount of ki recharging
I know you four have been up to. Ranma, you're probably almost
as impervious to harm as I am by now. And you girls probably
aren't far behind.
R/A/U/S: Huh?
Akane: o O (Great! Another thing for Ranma to be egomaniacal about!)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Outside the gymnasium. We see Nabiki paying off large numbers of
Furikan students.
Nabiki: o O (Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! I *NEVER* learn. I violated
my own first rule and bet against Ranma, when I saw that
Kodachi'd figured out Ranma's curse. And then Ranma won
anyway. Now I've actually lost money on this contest!)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
That evening. Ranma, Akane, Ukyou, and Shampoo walk out of a sushi
restaurant onto a busy street in a business section of Nerima.
Ukyou: Wow! I've never spent so much on a meal! Worth it,
though...
Ranma: (looks at Ukyou and Akane) Now what? You guys
planned everything...
Akane: (takes deep breath) Ranma, we... (looks down, blushes)
thought maybe... we could all go over to...
Akane comes to a complete stop. Ukyou is also blushing, and can't
speak. Shampoo looks at both of them, curiously. Ranma is just
puzzled. Finally Akane raises her arm and points down the street
towards a large neon sign.
Ranma: ...a pachinko parlor?
Shampoo: (starts, claps hands, hops up and down) Silly Airen!
Akane and Ukyou pointing at next sign! Short-term hotel!
Ranma: (stares) A... *LOVE HOTEL* ??? You guys actually want...
Ukyou: (blushing even more) ...we were thinking we could try...
Akane: (also blushing bright red, faint voice) ...position 137...
Ranma's eyes bug out at Akane and Ukyou. He opens and closes his mouth
a few times but nothing comes out. Shampoo just grabs Ranma by
an arm and starts dragging him down the sidewalk. Akane and Ukyou
quickly catch up and attach themselves to Ranma as well.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Inside a room in the love hotel. There are frilly decorations
all over the place. A very large, heart-shaped bed is the centerpiece
of the room. The door opens and Ranma, Akane, Ukyou, and Shampoo
walk in, all looking very nervous.
Suddenly there is a tap on the window. Four faces look over at it.
The window opens. Konatsu, dressed in his ninja outfit, enters first,
with eyes averted. Right behind him is Mousse, a bound prisoner,
without glasses, with a rope collar and tether held by Konatsu.
Konatsu: (low bow to floor) A thousand pardons at this rude interruption,
but... after I apprehended this miscreant attempting to interfere
with your happiness tonight, he insisted...
Mousse: Shampoo! (looking at far side of room) I have an urgent
message from your great-grandmother! (waves paper in
mouth) You and I must return to China immediately! In her
own words, "even an hour's delay might be too late!"
Shampoo leaps over and grabs the paper from Mousse's mouth.
Shampoo: Aiyaa! Is true! Stupid Mousse cannot forge Hibachan signature!
Shampoo reads the message, then turns to face the others with tears
in her eyes.
Shampoo: Airen... Akane... Ukyou... Must leave now. Shampoo not know
when, or if, return... Bie liao...
Shampoo turns and takes Mousse's tether from Konatsu, then jumps out
the window and vanishes over the rooftops in the distance.
End Act V.
THE END
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Notes: Quotations and misquotations from Heike Monogatari are from the
McCullough translation. Kunou's are the same passages which form
Kunou's introductory lines in his first appearance in the subtitled
(or Japanese) anime, but differently translated.
The Fujiwara family more or less ran Japan during the Heian period, furnishing
many prime ministers and marrying into the Imperial line many times.
Torii are the characteristic orange arches at the entranceway to Shinto shrines.
The 'rensu' is adapted from Dr. Edward E. Smith.
(
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