Yet Once More, Oh Ye Laurels and Hardys

A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
1 November 1998 - by HK Miller

Major characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi and licensees:
Shogakukan in Japan and Viz Communications in the USA.
No disrespect is intended by my unlicensed usage.

This story is a sequel to
    "Yet Another Fiancee Mess You've Gotten Me Into",
which is posted at:
    http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Dojo/5058.

Previously we've met two characters, Hageshiikami Reiko and her
fiancee from babyhood, Hibiki Haiyuuichi, an almost-identical
cousin of Ryouga's.  Reiko is a master of 'Deadliest Origami',
the art of quickly folding paper into various kinds of weapons.

Time:  A few weeks after Volume 38;
       a few days after "Yet Another Fiancee Mess..."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Late Friday afternoon.  It is raining.  At Nerima train station,
two teenage boys disembark.  One is extremely thin, sad-looking, and
carries a samisen.  The other is extremely fat and has a faint mustache.

Thin boy: Arichan, are you sure this is the right town?

Fat boy:  This is it, S'tanchan:  Nerima.  Not only does that horrible
          Saotome Ranma live here; not only is that horrible Hibiki
          Ryouga often found here; but the third person who's wronged
          me has been seen here in Nerima:  Hageshiikami Reiko!
          I can have all of my long-sought revenge at once!

          (raises fist to heavens)
          Prepare to die, Saotome Ranma!

          (flash of lightning in background)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Cut to:  Ucchan's Okonomiyaki.  Ukyou is behind the counter.  Akane
and Hageshiikami Reiko are sitting at the counter.

Ukyou:    So where's your fiancee, Reiko-chan?

Reiko:    He had to go rejoin his family's acting troupe.  They're
          just leaving on tour.  They do taishuu engeki, theatre for
          the masses, in towns all over Japan.  This year they're
          touring northwest Honshu and Hokkaido.

Akane:    Can't you go with him?  I think that'd be so romantic...

Reiko:    (grimaces)  Haiyuu-chan's family's troupe can't afford to feed
          someone who can't act.  Apparently it's pretty much a hand-to-mouth
          business.  No, I thought I'd be better off just settling
          down and getting a job, somewhere where Haiyuu-chan can find
          me when he gets back.

Ukyou:    (thoughtfully)  Are you staying in this area, then?  And
          what kind of job are you looking for?

Reiko:    (shrugs)  Might as well stay here in Nerima.  As for a job, just
          about anything, I guess.

Ukyou:    Can you cook?  My business is now at the point where
          I can hire an assistant cook.  In fact I need one for a
          plan I have for cherry blossom season starting tomorrow...

Reiko:    Well, I used to cook for my family, and I've done a bit of
          short-order cooking, before...

Ukyou:    Come behind the counter here and we'll see how you do...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Next day, Saturday morning, in school.  Akane is talking to Ukyou.

Akane:    Did you end up hiring Reiko-san?

Ukyou:    Sure did!  She's actually quite a good cook!

Ranma:    (slaps Akane on back)  Gee, imagine that!

Akane:    (growls)  Don't go there, Ranma...

Ukyou:    Anyway, I wanted to hire an assistant cook for a plan I
          have for setting up a booth in the park for cherry blossom
          season.  She and Konatsu-chan will keep my restaurant open
          this afternoon while I run the booth by myself.

Akane:    You want to sell okonomiyaki in the park for cherry blossom
          season?  But I don't know how well it'll sell...

Ranma looks doubtful as well.

Ukyou:    (smiles, leans forward)  Here's where my secret plan comes
          in.  I've been working on a new recipe that's sure to sell!
          What's the most traditional, popular food all over Japan
          for outdoor blanket parties during cherry blossom season?

Ranma:    (puzzled)  Kentucky Fried Chicken, of course...

Ukyou:    Exactly!  That's why I've been developing a recipe for...

          (assumes dramatic stance, one arm raised, one with karaoke
          microphone)

          Kentucky Fried Okonomiyaki!

Ranma:    (licks lips)  Really?  I like the sound of that...

Akane:    (puzzled)  But how do you make it?

Ukyou:    Well, it's mostly just like a chicken okonomiyaki, but
          the chicken's been fried first with a bunch of secret
          herbs and spices!

Ranma:    (nervously)  ...secret...spices?

Akane:    (whaps Ranma on head)  Not that kind, baka!  The normal
          kind!

          (turns to Ukyou)  I think that's a great idea, Ukyou!
          I'm sure you'll sell out!  Is there any way Ranma and
          I can help?

Ukyou littlesweats.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Noon.  Ukyou has raced away with the final bell.  Ranma and Akane
are strolling away from school together.

Ranma:    (rubbing stomach)  Say, Akane, ya wanna maybe go over to the
          park a bit later?

Akane:    ...

Suddenly the two boys from the train station appear in the school gateway.
Other students, alarmed by the fat boy's fixed glare at Ranma, scatter
away from a direct path between the two, but then turn to watch.
The thin boy is still holding his samisen, and is behind and slightly
to the side of the fat boy.

Fat boy:  Saotome Ranma, prepare to die!

Ranma:    Huh?  (stops and stares)  Do I know you?

Thin boy: (shaking head)  o O (I knew it.)
          Middle school.  The all-boy's place?

Akane:    The place you couldn't remember Ryouga-kun from?  Remember the
          bread-feud?

Ranma:    (waving one arm up and down, pointing at fat boy with the other)
          Oh yeah, your name is...  is...  wait, don't tell me...  
          I've almost got it...   Yeah!  Futotteiru Ariberu!

          (turns to point to thin boy)  and you're Nakuhoso Sutanri, right?

Akane:    You know, Ranma, there ARE people who could remember their
          middle school classmates' names without trying so hard...

Ariberu:  Saotome Ranma, you'll pay for your crimes!  You die today!

Ranma:    (puzzled)  You have a grudge against me?  For what?

Ariberu:  Lycidas is dead!  Dead before he even grew completely up!
          No one, nothing measured up to Lycidas!  The heavens themselves
          weep for Lycidas!  And it's all your fault he's dead!

A light rain starts to fall.  The watching students buzz with discussion.

Ranma:    (puzzled)  Lycidas?  Who's Lycidas?  Some gaijin?

Ariberu:  No, my pet goldfish!  You ate him that day you were acting like
          a cat!  You will PAY for that, Saotome!

Akane:    o O (He wants to kill Ranma over a goldfish?)

Ariberu:  Enough talk!  I attack!

Ariberu pulls his arms back, sticks out his belly, and runs forward.
Ranma just stares while Ariberu closes.  Ariberu then belly-bumps Ranma,
who goes flying into a tree.

Akane:    (glowing blue)  WHAT KIND OF STUPID MANEUVER WAS THAT!?

Sutanri:  (puzzled)  Sumo, of course.  Arichan is very good at it.

Ranma, now just wet enough to have turned female, drags herself up from
the fallen tree and faces her opponent anew.

Ranma:    (grinning)  Too bad there's no boundary to this little contest.
          You'd have actually won with that move in a real Sumo ring.
          o O (Hmmm... what to do?  Aww, just kick all his vital spots,
          I guess.)

Ariberu:  (gaping)  Who?

Ranma is suddenly in Ariberu's personal space.  Watching students see
Ranma's leg seem to move up and down Ariberu's body once.

Ranma:    (standing still, calm)  It's over.

Akane:    Kick all his vital spots?  You show-off!  In case you didn't
          notice, you're now a girl.  He didn't know who you are.  It
          doesn't count.

Ariberu falls over onto his back.  He has numerous footprints on his torso
and face.

Sutanri:  Ra.. Ranma?  That's you?  You're really a... girl?  And you went
          to our boy's school?

Ranma:    (facefaults, then recovers)  NO!!  I'm a guy!  I just look this
          way temporarily!

Hiroshi and Daisuke:  (nodding)  Unfortunately...

Akane:    Are you his second?  Do you want to continue the duel?
          Futotteiru-san won't awaken for several hours...

Sutanri:  I must!  Saotome, prepare to face me!

Sutanri assumes a combative position, samisen in front and ready to be
played.

Ranma:    NOW what kind of martial arts do I gotta fight?

Sutanri:  Face the fury of tsugaru-jamisen martial arts!

All students within earshot facefault.

Akane:    (stupified)  Folk... singing... martial... arts?

Ranma:    (on hands and knees, laughing)  Now I've heard everything!

Sutanri:  (smirking)  So you think I'm a pushover, huh?  Take this!

Sutanri points his samisen and plucks a note.

Sutanri:  (singing, mournful tone, slightly above the played note)
          Why do I work incessantly at such a slighted trade?

Ranma's whole body shivers uncontrollably.  Sutanri plays another note.

Sutanri:  (wailing tone, again just higher than the played note)
          Why not just do as others:  play with girls in the shade?

The concrete underneath Ranma cracks slightly.

Akane:    He must be singing and playing notes just out of phase, so that
          they interfere with each other and damage his adversary!

          Ranma!  Get up!  You're a sitting duck if you don't move!

But Ranma is having a hard time getting up.  She covers her ears, shuddering,
then stands.  As Sutanri plucks and sings the next two notes, Ranma moves
ten feet over, too quickly to be seen.  

Ranma:    o O (Hmm... been wanting to try Reiko's techniques out; good
          a time as any.)

Ranma feels in her pocket and produces a scrap of paper.  Ranma dodges
another pair of musical notes while she struggles to fold her paper scrap.

Daisuke to Hiroshi:   NOW what is Ranma doing?

Hiroshi:    (shrugs)  You got me.

Finally Ranma holds up a paper shuriken between her right thumb and
forefinger.

Ranma:    Yatta!    o O (Only took me ten times as long as Reiko to fold
          the darn thing...)

Ranma throws the paper shuriken at Sutanri's samisen.  The shuriken cuts
all of the samisen's strings.

Ranma:    (smirks)  You lose, unless you got a way to fight without your
          samisen...

Ranma strides forward, cracking her knuckles.  Sutanri looks down at his
samisen, then up at Ranma.

Sutanri:  (sickly smile)  Umm... call it a draw?

Ranma:    (snarls)  NO!!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Cut to:  the park in Nerima.  It's still before the peak of the cherry
blossom season.  Ukyou is standing alone in a booth, before a portable
grill.  Visible on the lawn around are about a dozen parties, sitting on
blankets, drinking beer and eating.

Ukyou:    o O (I'm selling even better than I expected.  I may run
          out of batter.  If so, I'll lose business while I make up
          some more.  Maybe I'd better have Reiko-chan come here tomorrow,
          and let Konatsu-chan run the restaurant by himself.  There's
          not that much business in the restaurant during this season
          anyway, since the restaurant's too far from the park.)

          o O (I need more chicken, too.  High-quality chicken can be
          hard to buy on a weekend.  Ah!  I know!  I'll call Akari-chan;
          she keeps a few chickens.  She and Ryouga could use a day in
          the city!)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The next day, Sunday, the park, midday.  Now the blossoms are closer to
their peak.  Four or five dozen blanket parties are under way all over the
park.  Ukyou and Reiko are very busy.  A large line is standing in front of
their booth.  Ranma, Akane, and Nabiki stroll up, Ranma holding a folded
blanket.  Soun, Genma, Kasumi, and Nodoka are setting up another blanket
twenty feet away, next to the blanket on which Akari and Ryouga are already
sitting.  Ryouga has a rope around his waist, with the other end in Akari's
hands.

Nabiki:   I recognize that look, Ukyou-san.  You have yen signs in your
          eyes.

Ukyou:    (smirks)  I bet you wish you'd thought of the idea first...

Nabiki:   (lifts eyebrow)  Unnecessary, but I could've made you a small
          startup loan if you'd told me your plans...

Suddenly there is a shout of surprise in the distance.  In one direction,
people are starting to stand up from their blankets, staring and pointing.

Akane:    Nani o?

Ranma gives a hop twenty feet straight up, hand shading his eyes.

Ranma:    It looks like escapees from the zoo...  No big animals like
          li...  ti...  (nervous twitch)  ...Just some kind of bird...

Reiko looks up at this, alarm in her eyes.

Reiko:    ...bird?  What kind of...  bird?

Akane:    (points, laughs)  Oh, it's nothing to be alarmed about!
          It's just the penguins!

Reiko:    P- p- pen...guins...?

Reiko looks frightened close to death, eyes darting everywhere,
shivers visibly going up and down her spine.  A couple of small
penguins waddle right by the front of the booth.  Reiko yelps,
drops the bowl of batter she's holding, and is suddenly wrapped
around Ukyou's head, crying.

Ranma and Akane:   (staring)  Umuu.... (glance at each other)

Ranma, thinking quick, covers Reiko's head with the blanket he
was holding.  Ranma and Akane carefully walk Reiko over to the
Tendo blanket and sit down with her.  Nabiki stays to chat with
Ukyou as the latter continues to cook.

Ranma:    Lemme guess... Some kinda exotic martial arts training
          you went through as a child?

Reiko:    (shudders)  It was called the... p- p- penguin-ken.  My own
          father... (draws deep breath)  wrapped me in...
          anchovies... and dropped me in...   over and over...

Genma:    (poking glasses back into place, solemn tone)
          Ah, the dreaded penguin-ken.  Yes, I've heard of its
          unstoppable attacks...  If I'd ever had another child...

Nodoka wacks Genma over the head with a giant mallet handed her by Kasumi.

Akane:    (sympathetically)  I think we've heard this story before.
          Ranma underwent something quite similar.  Don't worry,
          we'll keep the... escaped birds... away from you.

Reiko shudders.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A bit later.  Ranma, Akane, and Reiko are back at Ukyou's booth.

Akane:    Okay, Reiko.  I think all the... birds... have been
          recaptured.  It should be safe to come out from under
          the blanket.

Reiko:    (peering fearfully)  O-okay...

          (looks around, gradually regains confidence)  Right...
          I'd better get back to helping Ukyou-san.  Thanks a lot,
          both of you!  I don't know what I'd have done...

Ukyou:    (sympathetically)  Hope you're okay, kid;
          I've seen Ranchan around... those animals... so I have
          some idea of what it's like...

Reiko cleans up the spilled okonomiyaki batter and begins making
another batch.  Ranma picks up a neat, string-tied box brightly
labeled 'Ucchan's Kentucky Fried Okonomiyaki' and starts to follow
Akane and Nabiki back to the Tendo blanket.  Reiko opens the
refrigerator.  A large Emperor penguin is standing inside.  It
squawks, waves it wings, and leaps right onto Reiko's face.

Ukyou:    (whipping around)  ...Oh, no...

Reiko stiffens up.  Her eyes go vacant.  Her arms clamp rigidly
to her sides.  She squawks.

Ranma:    Oh, man... she popped right into it...  But how much
          trouble can she be as a penguin?

Akane:    (whaps Ranma)  Baka!  Haiyuuichi-san isn't here!
          We've no way to calm her down!
          (calms a bit, looks thoughtful)  Unless Ryouga-kun...

Reiko waddles out of the booth and down a path, followed by the
Emperor penguin.  Ranma and Akane follow.  Suddenly Ariberu and
Sutanri appear in their path.

Ariberu:  All of my enemies in a single place!  Prepare to die,
          Hageshiikami Reiko!

Ranma:    Huh?  He's got a grudge against Reiko too?

Ariberu pulls his arms back, sticks his stomach out, and rushes at
Reiko.  Reiko, seeing Ariberu's approach, gives a loud squawk and
waddles into Ariberu, her own tummy out.  This time, Ariberu goes flying,
high into the air.

Ranma:    (in Sumo judge's uniform, gesturing)  Reiko-nishiki wins!

Akane:    (to Sutanri, fists clenched)  SO WHY THE GRUDGE AGAINST REIKO?!

Sutanri:  (gulping)   Uh... same reason.  Reiko-san ate his previous
          goldfish, Orpheus, one day in elementary school when she thought
          she was a penguin...

Akane facefaults.

Ranma:    Geez!  What an obsessive!

          (cupping hand to yell)  Hey, Ariberu!  Will you call this whole
          thing off if I win you a few goldfish at the scooping booth?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A bit later.  Ariberu and Sutanri watch Ranma fill bucket after bucket
with goldfish.  Akane feeds a few goldfish to Reiko, who is nuzzling
Ryouga, much to Akari's displeasure.

Akane:    (to Akari)  Don't worry, she won't do it once she comes out
          of the penguin-ken.

Akari:    (darkly)  And when's that?

Ariberu:  (grudgingly)  Well, I guess I can overlook your transgression,
          Saotome, and Reiko-san's.  Now there's just Hibiki's offense
          against me!

Ryouga:   (startled)  Me?  What'd I do?

Ariberu:  You made my life HELL!  Every day!  Even after Saotome
          left, you continued!  First the curry-bread!
          Then the chow-mein bread!  The croquette bread!  The melon...

Ryouga looks sheepishly at Ranma, who shrugs and smirks.  Akane glares
at Ariberu.  Sutanri tries to look inconspicuous.

Reiko:    (waking up; unstiffening)  Huh?  Where?  Who?  (looks about)
          Hey, I know you!  (pointing at Ariberu)  You're... don't tell
          me... it's on the tip of my tongue...

THE END.

Notes:
    Several borrowings, paraphrased, from John Milton's "Lycidas".

    taishuu engeki = literally, theatre for the masses.  Inexpensive
                     regional entertainment provided by small troupes.
                     Heavily influenced by Kabuki, specializing in
                     stories about conflict between duty and personal
                     desires.
    tsugaru-jamisen = folk-singing with the samisen (a Japanese guitar),
                     a form native to Aomori in northern Honshu.
    Futotteiru Ariberu = Fat Oliver
    Nakuhoso Sutanri = Weep-thin Stanley

    High schools in Japan currently have school on Saturday mornings,
        two Saturdays a month, down just a few years ago from every
        Saturday.

    Source: geocities.com/tokyo/Dojo/5058

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