As You Like It
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
18 April 1998 - by HK Miller
Cleanup 13 June 1998; Act 2 revised.
All characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi and licensees:
Shogakukan in Japan and Viz Communications in the USA.
Lemon-scent warning, though this is only a little more
suggestive than the manga.
One concept borrowed from another source.
This is set after Volume 38 and is a sequel to "Much Ado".
Previously, in "Much Ado": Akane and Ranma are getting along better.
They've admitted they love each other, and spent a night in
the same bed together. As a result of prodding by Nodoka,
Ukyou implicitly recognized Akane's better claim to marry
Ranma, and Akane impulsively offered the future position of
Ranma's mistress to Ukyou. Nodoka found out that Soun and Genma
have never discussed which family name Ranma and Akane will
marry under. Ranma crashed a pajama party where Akane and
Ukyou were studying a "how-to" sex manual.
Act I:
Time: a week after "Much Ado." Scene: Inside the Tendo Dojo.
Ranma is performing a kata and doesn't see Happosai bound in with a bucket
of water. Ranma is suddenly female and has acquired a live glomper on
her chest.
Happosai: Sweet!
Ranma: (Livid) You old freak! Get away from me!
Happosai: But Ranma, don't you want to show your appreciation to your
master?
Ranma: You're not my master! You've never taught me anything!
Cologne has ten times your claim to my "mastership", and I
don't call *her* "master".
Happosai lets go and drops to the floor, then walks around Ranma in a
circle, looking sad.
Happosai: I suppose you're right. I've withheld the power of my ultimate
technique from my favorite student. Maybe I should teach
you now...
Ranma: o O (Ultimate technique? Yeah, right... But maybe I'll learn
a new way to attack the freak, a new weakness he has...)
Ranma: All right, Jiji, what's this technique?
Happosai: Haven't you ever wondered how my battle aura got so big?
How come my ki attacks are so much more powerful than
anyone else's? Why I fondle pretty ladies and steal their
panties and bras?
Ranma: (snorts) Yeah, sure, I wonder about your obsession all the
time. What, are you sayin' these are all connected?
Happosai: The "Anything-Goes Ultimate Recharge Technique" is a way for
a martial artist to obtain, and store, more ki than he
normally generates. You've seen me do this with bras and
panties: recover from near-total exhaustion. I've never
taught this technique to anyone else.
Ranma: Yeah, you've used me as a battery before, and Akane also!
Now what: are you trying to turn me into a panty pervert
like you?
Happosai: Well, Ranma, it's nothing to look sad or angry about. A
little appreciation for the fair sex and their undergarments
goes a long way towards making an old man's life more pleasant.
I'd love to share my hobbies with an appreciative apprentice.
Ranma: Can it, pervert! I ain't learnin' any "recharge" technique
that works with women's underwear!
Happosai: Well, to be truthful, underwear is just one option. Direct
contact with a member of the opposite sex works just as well
or better. Even flipping up the occasional skirt or two...
Anyway, like this.
Happosai touches Ranma on the chest with a single finger. A faint spark
seems to leap up Happosai's arm, and Happosai suddenly looks
healthier.
Ranma: Hey! Don't drain me!
o O (A one finger touch can do it?)
Happosai: Here. Read this scroll and memorize the central phrase.
It's like a key in your mind, which triggers the recharge.
You gesture like this...
Happosai shows Ranma a right-handed gesture, then the left-handed version.
Happosai: ..with either hand, only one is required, and that only when
you're learning, and then touch a woman, pretty much anywhere,
though intimate is better. That's all there is to it.
This is not, however, a technique that just anyone can use:
like the technique I taught Hinako, this one depends
heavily on inborn ability.
o O (Now maybe Ranma will be more grateful to me...)
Happosai bounds off, leaving Ranma looking intent.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
An hour later. Akane enters the Dojo.
Akane: Ranma? Are you in here? You've missed supper.
Ranma, still female, is sitting cross-legged in the center of the Dojo,
intently posing her fingers while muttering under her breath. Her boxer
shorts are sitting on the mat in front of her. She doesn't look up at
Akane until Akane is quite close.
Ranma: Oh, Akane? I'm sorry, I'm just... learning a new technique.
You know how I get...
Akane: Oh boy, *do* I know! How many weeks are you going to be
obsessed with this one? And who taught you?
Ranma: Happosai, believe it or not, and I think I've got it down
already. Let me just turn back into a guy and I'll give
it a try...
(Ranma stands up and uses a handy teakettle sitting on a hotplate in
the corner, then approaches Akane.)
Akane: *Happosai* taught you? Ranma, what *is* this technique? Are
you sure you can trust him?
Ranma: Well, no... but I thought I'd study it anyway, to see if I
can get a clue to another weakness of his. He says it's a
recharge technique; maybe I can stop him from recharging.
Anyway, I'm about to touch you on the shoulder. Pay
attention to what, if anything, you feel.
(Ranma concentrates, gestures with one hand while touching Akane on the
shoulder with the other.)
Ranma: Okay, I *did* feel something... it may have worked. Let's
just see...
Ranma fires a small, one-handed Mouko Takabisha at one of the sparring
dummies, and looks surprised at the resulting damage.
Akane: RANMA! What are you doing?
Ranma: Just testing, Akane. This technique supposedly recharges your
ki. So what did you feel?
Akane: Huh? I didn't feel anything. Was I supposed to?
Ranma: Well, I dunno. I guess I thought that, if I'm supposed to get
energy out of that, it would have to come from you, and you'd
feel drained, maybe like when Hinako-sensei punishes us.
Akane starts to look really angry.
Akane: YOU *TRIED* TO DRAIN MY KI??? RANMA NO BAKA!!!
Ranma: (quickly leaps back) No, Akane, listen, please! It was
minimal, but I have to test it somehow! Look, if you really
didn't feel anything, then the technique is okay, right?
If you *were* drained, then I'll teach you the technique
and you can drain me right back, okay?
Akane cools herself down. The effort it takes is obvious, showing on her
face.
Akane: *OKAY*, Ranma, you teach me, and we'll see how *YOU* like it!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Cut to: Nabiki's room.
Soun: I understand we can't afford a wedding for months, Nabiki,
but there's a... preliminary measure... we need to take
care of. And we can't let Saotome-kun know we're doing this.
Nabiki: I'm all ears, Daddy. What's the scoop?
Soun: Ranma and Akane are to be married under the Tendo name.
That's my decision. We need to have the paperwork
done to transfer Ranma from the Saotome family charter
to ours before the wedding.
Nabiki: You want to do that *without* Saotome-ojisan's approval,
or even knowledge? That's a tall order, Daddy...
But I think I can handle it. There are ways.
Soun: (wails a bit) That's my daughter! I knew the Tendo
family legacy would be safe in your hands...
Nabiki: Well, I just think 'Tendo Ranma' is easier to say than
'Saotome Akane.' Fewer syllables.
Soun: Hah! That's a point! I'll mention that to Saotome-kun
in the morning!
As the view pans back we can see a panda perched outside Nabiki's window,
eavesdropping.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Two hours later. The Dojo.
Ranma: That's it, Akane. You've got the technique. Now try it
on me.
Akane: That's all? I've never learned a new technique so quickly
before...
Ranma: Well, Happosai didn't say it was hard to learn, just that
not everyone could do it.
Akane concentrates, gestures, and starts to touch Ranma on the shoulder
but impulsively kisses him instead. She seems to start glowing, then
breaks off the kiss.
Akane: Oh my god! Ranma, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to drain so
much ki from you... Please, take it back!
Ranma: Huh? What do you mean? Akane, I didn't feel a thing.
Akane: What? But I got so much...
Ranma: Let's test...
Ranma fires another small Mouko Takabisha at another training dummy, this
time left-handed. The damage is only a bit less than the last shot.
Ranma: No, that's exactly right. Akane, you didn't drain my ki
at all. Any charge you got came from somewhere else.
Akane: Wow. That's some technique. I feel so... energized now.
Ranma: Well, this is supposed to be the technique the old freak uses
himself, and I never feel drained when he uses me as a battery.
(snaps finger) I know how we can tell for sure! Let's both
use the technique at the same time on each other! If we're
each draining the other, nothing will happen; if the energy
is coming from somewhere else, we'll both charge up!
Akane: (big grin) Sounds like fun! Okay, hug and kiss on three!
Ichi, ni, SAN!
Ranma and Akane concentrate, gesture simultaneously, and embrace.
Both glow. They break off.
Ranma: Yatta! What a charge! What about you, Akane?
Akane: Likewise! I'm even more charged up! I feel like I could
shatter a dozen concrete blocks at one blow!
Ranma: I wonder if the fact that we kissed this time, instead of
touching each other on the shoulder, made the charge bigger?
Happosai did say something about intimate contact being better.
Akane blushes, then recovers as another thought strikes her.
Akane: Is this why Happosai is such a pervert all the time? Can
you really get ki energy from underwear?
Ranma: Nah, I was trying that on my own before you got here.
Mine's been worn by both, right? Anyway, there's so little
charge I thought I was doin' something wrong. I figure
that's why the freak needs so many thousands of panties
and bras. I probably got more of a charge from that one
kiss with you than he gets in a week's stolen goods.
Akane appears mollified.
Akane: Okay. So... (smiles slyly) about the 'intimate' part again?
Should we continue our research tonight?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Later. Ranma and Akane are sitting on the house roof with their arms
around each other, moon-viewing.
Akane: Ranma, there's something I've been wanting to talk to you
about since the other night. Now that we're more...
intimate with each other... it seems to me that you're
assuming that Shampoo and Kodachi, maybe Ukyou, will
all see you as having made a choice, and back off. What
if they don't? What if they see... this... as
raising the stakes, and just try harder? Are you going
to do anything different the next time Shampoo appears
naked in the bathtub with you?
Ranma: (turns and stares at Akane, speechless for a few minutes)
...you think it'll get *worse*?
Akane: Well, yes, it may... Shampoo and Kodachi aren't noted for
their reasonableness. They may escalate matters.
In Shampoo's case, think what an escalation might mean:
she's already snuck into your bed during the night and
regularly flaunts herself to you, naked. She might try
getting even more... physical.
Ranma bigsweats.
Akane: Ukyou said to me the other day that, despite your sense
of honor, you're still a teenage boy. I think she was
referring to the strength of your drives. Ranma...
now that you have me... do you want more? If you could be...
intimate... with more than one of us, would you?
Ranma: (continues to stare at Akane, sweating)
Akane... I want to do what's right, what will make you
happy...
(looks away a moment)
Ukyou's right, though... I can feel the difference, sometimes.
When I'm a girl, I'm less tempted. It's easier to ignore...
bodies... skin... pictures... and just think about you, about
what I really feel...
I feel the temptation, Akane, as a boy, but... I won't
succumb. I value you, your happiness, too much. Anyway,
(grins) ...if I ever fell asleep around Shampoo, I know
I'd probably wake up in China. And Kodachi... (shivers)
she'd probably lock me up in a dungeon in her mansion if
I ever dropped my guard around her.
(hesitates a bit) About Ucchan, though... Especially after
our pajama party last week... I just don't have my guard up
around her. Are you... really worried she'll try hard
to seduce me? I mean... I trust her. If she takes advantage
of that...
(Ranma starts to imagine Ukyou sans clothes, flushes)
Akane, how would you feel... if something happened? (looks
away from Akane again) I wouldn't marry her or nothin'...
Akane: o O (Baka! ...Boys... they really *are* hentai... why do
they want more than one girl? How can they even *think*
about being... close... with more than one?)
(sighs) I told Ukyou about... us... the next day, Ranma.
She does see that you've made a choice, but she can't
completely give up on you yet. She's mostly
reconciled to our marriage, but... she still wants you.
I think she's now... willing to settle for less than
marriage, as long as she can have you.
She asked me how I'd feel if she got anywhere with you,
and if I'd want her to tell me. I couldn't answer.
I've been thinking about it ever since.
(pauses again, then, very slowly) Ranma, as long as it's
Ukyou... and we're still getting married... and if it
makes you happy, it's okay, though I can't promise not to
get angry and jealous. And I do want to know.
(pauses a moment) Your mother... wants to see you have
at least one mistress after we're married. I've told
Ukyou... that I'd prefer her... over anyone else I know.
Ranma: ...mistress?
(imagines Akane on one arm and Ukyou on the other)
o O (Oh boy, I just know I'm going to be dreaming
about *this* tonight. Akane *and* Ucchan... But Akane
really isn't happy, she just thinks it'll make me happy.)
After looking at Akane for a bit without being able to think of anything
to say, Ranma gives up and just hugs Akane, then kisses her.
End Act I.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Act II.
The next day, at school during lunch. Ranma, Akane, and Ukyou are
sitting together lunching on Okonomiyaki.
Ranma: ...so Akane and I practiced it until very late last night.
I think I'm starting to get to the point where I don't need
the gesture.
Akane: You should learn it too, Ukyou. This technique is really
easy, and so useful.
Ukyou: I'd love to learn it! It sounds *wonderful*, especially if I
can practice with you, Ran-chan!
Akane: (grits teeth) o O (Grrr! Well, I had *that* coming! Come on,
come on, what's wrong with me? I'm not supposed to feel jealous
about Ukyou any more. "Ranma loves me more, Ranma loves me
more." Just keep repeating it...)
Ranma: Tell you what: Akane and I'll come over right after school and
we can try a few things before your dinner rush. Here's the
scroll; study it during class this afternoon, hidden behind
your textbooks. If you do that, you'll be all set when
school's out. Hey: is Konatsu out of the hospital? He'd
be handy for one or two things I'd like to try as well.
Akane and Ukyou stare, open-mouthed, at Ranma.
Ranma: Hey! Not like that! Just a touch works too, remember! But
I need to try it as a girl also, for the next time I'm in a
big battle as a girl. I need to be sure I know how to work
it as a girl.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
After school. Nabiki, wearing trenchcoat, fedora and mirrorshades,
is in a phone booth making calls, and taking notes after each call.
Down the block, a middle-aged, heavy man in an overcoat and hat is
watching her from a doorway with binoculars.
Nabiki: (facing observer) Okay, let's see... I know where the
Saotome family charter is registered. I know the names
and weaknesses of the officials in charge of that office.
I just need one contact in our local registry office, and
Saotome's signature. Good thing I know a good forger.
o O (Hmmm... I wonder if Obasama is okay with this.
I don't mind exploiting and outmaneuvering Ranma's
freeloading father, but Auntie Saotome is nice.
Maybe I'll ask Kasumi to sound her out...)
Nabiki leaves the phone booth and walks away. Her shadow follows;
now we can see that it's Genma in a not-very-effective disguise.
Genma: (under his breath) ...the Saotome School must survive,
at any cost. It dates back to before the Meiji restoration...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
After school. Ranma and Akane are in Ucchan's Okonomiyaki, sitting at
the counter. Ukyou is behind the grill, as usual. Konatsu is moving
around attending to various chores, dressed as usual in a kimono and
looking like a very beautiful woman. No other customers are present.
Ranma: This one's a good as ever, Ucchan! (Mouth-full noise)
Did you get a chance to study the scroll?
Ukyou: Sure did! But you still have to teach me the gesture.
Ranma: (mmghumph) Oh yeah. Like this, either hand.
Ranma illustrates quickly with both hands, using the other hand each
time to continue shoveling Okonomiyaki pieces into his mouth. Then he
repeats more slowly, then gestures for Akane to do it so Ukyou can see.
Ukyou: Okay, I think I see... Let me just finish making sure the
grill's ready, then I can put my spatulas down and practice.
Ranma: (mmumpgh-glumph) Yeah, you'll get the hang of it really
quick, Ukyou, I'm confident. Hey, Konatsu: come over here
a moment.
Ranma has finished eating. He concentrates, gestures, and touches
Konatsu on the shoulder.
Ranma: Nope. No effect. You try, Akane.
Akane concentrates, gestures, and touches Konatsu on the back, then
quickly tries again on exposed skin at the neck.
Akane: Hmmm... I can feel a bit through the kimono, and more from
direct skin to skin contact. It's not as strong as with
you, though, Ranma.
Ranma: (grinning) Yeah, but you never tried *just* touching me,
neither!
Akane: (blushes) Oh yeah...
Akane tries again on Ranma, touching him on the neck.
Akane: (frowning in thought) I think... it's still stronger with
you, Ranma, but there's not as big a difference.
Ranma: Okay, next experiment.
Ranma leaps over the counter to land next to Ukyou. He concentrates,
gestures so quickly his hand blurs, and lays the back of his hand on
Ukyou's bare arm.
Ranma: Right. Works fine. About the same strength as with you,
Akane, maybe a bit less.
o O (and let's not mention more 'intimate' experimentation
in front of Konatsu! Or you, either, Akane; I saw you
grit your teeth.)
Snapping his finger, Ranma hops back over the counter to the side Akane
and Konatsu are on.
Ranma: Oh yeah, Konatsu; if you get a break in your chores, try
studying this scroll for a bit. You memorize the phrase
in the middle and repeat it mentally when you do this
technique.
Konatsu: Hai, Ranma-sama! I will study this diligently when I have
a moment!
Konatsu kneels on the floor and bows to Ranma, shedding tears as he does
so. Ranma looks shocked. Almost immediately, however, Konatsu is again
on his feet and moving about his chores quickly.
Ranma: Ummm, yeah, whatever...
Ukyou: Okay, Ranchan, I think I'm ready to give this a try. What
should I do?
Ranma once more hops back over the counter, and stands next to Ukyou.
Ranma: First concentrate on the phrase, then gesture with your right
hand and touch me with your left.
Ukyou: (quick grin) Anywhere? (she sobers immediately and assumes
a look of concentration)
Ukyou gestures and places her hand flat on the middle of Ranma's chest.
At the conclusion of her gesture, she places her right hand on Ranma's
left bicep. Ukyou glows slightly.
Ukyou: Ohhhhh... wowwwww... this is what you guys were talking
about. I can hardly believe it! What an incredible feeling!
Ukyou has left her hands in position. For once, Akane just looks
interested. Ranma tightens his eyes very briefly, one of his hands
flickers, and he gingerly puts both hands on Ukyou's back.
Ranma: Yes... I can draw from you, Ukyou, while you're still drawing
from me. This is the same way it works with me and Akane.
Ranma breaks his hold on Ukyou. She, more slowly, drops her arms as well.
Ukyou: o O (ummm... touching Ran-chan again... that felt *so* good...
Maybe it was a mistake for Akane and I not to kick Ranma out
right away the other night at the pajama party... Now the
longing is more intense than ever, but I can't treat Ranma
as mine in front of Akane... not yet at least, she's still
feeling jealous. She said she thought she'd get over it,
but what if she never does? Ran-chan won't do anything
which he thinks will hurt her...)
Ranma: Okay, next test: Akane, you come over here and try it with
Ukyou.
Akane: Ranma, we already know how this will turn out: nothing will
happen.
Ranma: That's what we *think* will happen, but you never know...
Maybe you should try thinking of Ucchan as a boy while you
try; we don't know if the gender effect is physical or just
in our minds.
Ukyou grimaces very quickly at Ranma's reference to her ability to pass
as a boy. Akane grimaces a bit longer, but does walk around behind the
counter. Ranma leaps back over to the customer side again to leave room.
Ukyou and Akane look at each other blankly, then concentrate, gesture,
and touch each other just below the collarbone. No glow. Catching
each other's eyes, they smile. Akane catches Ukyou's hand to give a
quick squeeze of reassurance.
Akane: (Turning to Ranma) Nothing.
Ranma: Right. Next test. Ukyou, you've got a sink right through
that curtain in the back, right?
Ranma doesn't wait for a reply. In a flash he's through the curtain.
A quick splash is heard, then she's back out again.
Ranma: Right. First, each of you.
Now Ranma looks like she's just touching, the concentration and gesture
are so quick they're unnoticable. In quick succession she touches both
Akane and Ukyou on the chest, hopping over the counter to do it,
then hops back over the counter. She tries Ukyou twice, the second time
with eyes closed.
Ranma: Yoo hoo! Konatsu! I need you again!
Konatsu appears beside Ranma, bowing.
Konatsu: Hai, Ranma-sama. I have studied diligently.
Ranma: Oh, good... but first...
Ranma touches Konatsu on the shoulder, then frowning a bit, on the neck,
bare skin to bare skin. Then she releases the touch and steps back.
Ranma: Hmm... You're right, Akane. It's *not* as strong with
Konatsu as it is with both of you. I wonder what's going
on?
Ranma just looks at Konatsu, puzzled, for a bit, then shrugs and grins.
Ranma: Oh well, just another mystery. Okay, Konatsu, here's the
gesture. Copy this with either hand.
Ranma repeats the gesture for Konatsu, with both hands and at various
speeds.
Ranma: Now just practice that for a bit, and you'll be ready to
try it yourself.
Akane: HEY! Doesn't Ukyou get a chance to see if she works with
Konatsu?
Ranma: (Looks embarrassed) Oops! Oh yeah... Konatsu, hold on
just a second.
Konatsu blurs, then is standing between Ukyou and Akane on the other side
of the counter.
Konatsu: Command me, Ukyou-sama!
Ukyou just smiles briefly, then closes her eyes to concentrate. Akane
does likewise. Both gesture and touch, fingertips to Konatsu's chest
and back.
Ukyou: Yesss... I can feel the flow.
Akane: So can I. I guess we can both draw on Konatsu at the same time.
That might be handy to know. It's still not strong, though.
Ukyou opens her eyes at the last sentence and grimaces briefly at Akane.
Ukyou: o O (She doesn't have to say that in front of Konatsu!
It amounts to impugning his manhood. Not that he probably
cares...)
Ukyou and Akane drop their hands. Konatsu smiles quickly and resumes his
chores.
Akane: Hey, Ranma! You didn't tell us if you could get anything
from us as a girl!
Ranma: (starts a bit) Oh, sorry! No, nothing. (sly smile)
Too bad...
Ukyou and Akane both blush faintly.
Ukyou: Actually, I think it's better this way. We all have more
reason to have you spend your "free" (winks at Ranma) time
as a guy.
Akane starts to grit her teeth, but manages a smile instead.
Ranma: Now that you mention it...
Quick blur, flash of curtain, sound of water, and the male Ranma is again
standing in the same place. Akane and Ukyou blink.
Akane: o O (That's the quickest I've ever seen Ranma move, which is
saying something. Is it the extra ki he's drawn since
yesterday?)
Ranma: Now I want to try another test for which I need both of you.
Ranma hops back over the counter and stands where Konatsu was a few moments
before. He reaches out to Ukyou and Akane, laying the back of his hands
on their respective cheeks. He starts to glow, faintly at first, then
brighter and brighter. He holds it for a couple of minutes, then drops his
hands. He smiles at both Akane and Ukyou, a bright, whole-face smile which
seems to light up the whole room.
Ranma: Yatta! It worked! I can charge up simultaneously from both
of you! Whoa! The next stranger who attacks me with the two
of you around is going to be real sorry! Now it almost feels
like I can store more ki, too.
Ukyou: o O (Ran-chan can get more... with both of us than from just
Akane? Wow... there is a role for me now. I can still help
my Ran-chan even after he marries Akane... He'll still need
me sometimes...)
Akane: o O (Ranma gets more from two girls than from just me? Or...
from just Ukyou? Even if he's still attracted to her after
we're married... even if he... *is* with her sometimes...
he'll still need me, his wife. Somehow, that's such a relief...
He'll *always* need me, no matter how bad my cooking is, no
matter how much cuter Ukyou is, no matter how much I hit him...
He'll come back, because he *needs* me....)
Akane starts crying, very gently. Ranma and Ukyou look alarmed.
Ranma: Akane! What's wrong? Whatever I said, I'm sorry!
Ukyou: Akane-honey, are you okay? What's up?
Ukyou puts one arm around Akane. Ranma takes her hands in his.
Akane: No, it's just... I'm fine... these are tears of happiness.
I just realized, for the first time, *why* I'm so jealous
all the time, Ranma. Somehow, deep inside, I was always
afraid you'd discover some day that you don't need me.
And then you'd leave me.
Ranma: (Appalled expression). Akane, how could you... (stops,
pauses) (Deep breath) Akane, s'ki da. I love you,
I *need* you. You are (glancing at Ukyou), well, not
*everything* to me, perhaps, but... more important to me
than anyone else, including myself.
Akane: (stops crying and smiles at Ranma) I know that, Ranma.
I think I *really* know it, now.
Akane spreads out her arms to hug both Ukyou and Ranma, who return
the favor. The three hold the hug tightly for minutes, then Akane
lifts her face up to Ranma's. Ranma takes the hint and kisses her.
Ukyou smiles sadly for a moment, then, with an impish grin, leans
forward and kisses Ranma on the cheek. Ranma looks surprised.
Akane starts to look angry, but then suddenly looks mortified and
her eyes widen.
Akane: o O (Ohmigod. We're behaving like this... in front of
Ukyou... in *her* restaurant... where we're guests...)
Akane breaks the kiss with Ranma and speaks, slightly out of breath.
Akane: Ranma, ...it's Ukyou's turn...
Ranma's eyes widen in surprise. He looks at Akane wordlessly, as if
to gauge her, then nods slightly. He turns his head and kisses Ukyou.
Ukyou: o O (Akane's leavings... at her sufferance... But I don't
care! I'm kissing Ran-chan!)
After a bit the three break their hug. Almost immediately afterward,
as if he'd been waiting, Konatsu comes through the curtains from the
back, carrying a few supplies for the kitchen.
Ranma: Oh, yes, a couple more tests... Konatsu, did you finish
practicing the gesture? We need you to try it on Ukyou
and Akane at the same time.
Akane and Ukyou throw surprised looks at Ranma.
Akane: But we don't even know yet if Konatsu can do it at all...
Konatsu carefully performs the technique on Ukyou first, then Akane,
then on both, carefully touching each with a finger on the lower arm.
Konatsu barely sparks all three times.
Konatsu: I can feel the results of the technique. I hope I haven't
hurt you, Ukyou-sama, or you, Akane-san. But I'm not sure
I'm getting enough to make the technique worthwhile, given
the concentration it requires. And it doesn't seem to be
any stronger when I use the technique on both of you at the
same time. It feels like... I can't stay focused, somehow...
as if the flow is only coming from one of you at a time,
and shifting back and forth.
Akane, Ukyou, and Ranma all frown in throught at this. Suddenly Ukyou
steps forward, gestures, and touches both Ranma and Konatsu at the same
time. She seems to glow, but not brightly.
Ukyou: Oh! I feel what you mean, Konatsu. I can't get a consistent
flow from both of you. I'm getting something, but it feels
like it's just jumping around somehow.
Akane: (grumbling a bit) It's probably just Ranma's ungodly speed
at learning new techniques; he's just so much better at it
than we are already. Let me try, though.
Akane quickly gets the same results, not at all to her surprise.
Ukyou: I wonder if it's just facility with the technique, though?
From what your fathers say, Happosai's known this technique
for decades, right? But I don't see him trying for multiple
girls simultaneously; he seems happy to touch a large number
of us in quick succession. Didn't he say that one is born
with part of the ability to do this?
Nobody says anything for a moment as they look thoughtful. Then:
Ranma: I guess we do need to know more about this technique, which
means we've got to go see the old ghoul. Happosai already
told me everything he claims he knows, which is a lot more
than he's ever taught me before. Cologne is the only way
we can learn anything more.
Akane and Ukyou reluctantly nod agreement.
Akane: Not tonight, Ranma. We have that test coming up, and I want
to study.
End Act II.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Act III.
The next day. Genma and Soun are playing shogi when Nodoka comes in
holding an envelope. In large print on the envelope it says: "Saotome
Genma is our next 200,000,000 Yen winner!!"
Nodoka: Dear, this just arrived in the mail for you.
Genma: (eyes bug out and grow huge)
O O (*200,000,000* YEN! OHMIGOD!!!)
Genma jumps up from where he's sitting, grabs the envelope from
Nodoka, and rips it open, ignoring the fine print which says "if you
return the winning number we'll announce that". He quickly reads the
cover letter.
O O (... sign the second page and mail it in... further
instructions by return mail...)
err... Nodoka, could you stand in for me for the next
few games with Tendo-kun?
Genma grabs a pen and signs the second page without looking at it.
We can see the names "Tendo", "Ranma", and "Saotome" on this page.
Genma quickly folds the sheet and puts it into the enclosed envelope,
then leaps out of the open door and over the wall around the house.
We see him running furiously for the nearest post office.
Genma: o O (Oh boy oh boy oh boy.. I'm going to be rich...
I'm going to be rich... Funny how this company's
PO Box is right here in Nerima...)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Late afternoon, the Tendo-ke. Akane's room. Akane is sitting
at her desk studying an English language textbook, and writing
English. An English dictionary also sits on her desk.
A knock comes on the door.
Akane: Come in.
Nodoka walks in.
Nodoka: Ah, Akane-chan. Do you have a few moments? I have a
matter I would like to discuss with you.
Akane: Certainly, obasama. Please, sit here.
Akane gets up, gestures at her desk chair, and sits herself on
her bed. Nodoka sits and clears her throat.
Nodoka: Akane-chan, I cannot claim to know you well, and I would
like to. You will be my daughter-in-law soon enough.
Pardon me, but you appeared... less than pleased last
week at my comments towards Kuonji-san and her claim
to my son's hand. I would like to know why; you
seem to want to be married to Ranma.
Akane: (blushes a bit) Ummm, yes, I do want to marry
Ranma. I can't imagine life without him, but...
Ukyou is also a friend of mine, of both of ours, and I
didn't like seeing her hurt like that. Even though she
*did* need to hear what you said.
Nodoka: (looks surprised) A friend of yours? I would have
thought...
Akane: (looks a bit impatient) Why does everyone seem to
think I must feel the same way towards Ukyou that I do
towards Shampoo or Kodachi? That's not it at all!
Nodoka: Well, how is it then? You *are* rivals, are you not?
Akane: Ukyou's a nice person. She always has been, as long as
I've known her. Shampoo and Kodachi are always forcing
themselves on Ranma, and using underhanded tricks, but
Ukyou does neither. She's never tried to kidnap Ranma,
brainwash Ranma, cast spells or feed potions to Ranma...
The most she's ever tried to do is try to set me up
with Ryouga so I'd voluntarily break up with Ranma...
well, except for at the wedding...
Sometimes when I'm worried about Ranma, I confide in her;
we do share a mutual interest, after all. She's very
protective about Ranma without being possessive.
Nodoka: You make her sound like some kind of saint. Akane, she
and those other two wrecked my house, wrecked your
wedding...
Akane: I know, but... Obasama, all of that really was very
unusual for Ukyou. She's almost always less violent
than I am. (darkly) Now, it *was* usual for Kodachi
and Shampoo...
Nodoka: (shakes head) I see. But she cannot, will not marry
Ranma. You will. What will she do?
Akane: (blushes again) Obasama... your remark... about Ranma
having a mistress after we're married...
Nodoka: (surprised) You think she'd accept that? You would agree?
What about her family honor and the engagement?
Akane: I think she'd agree to anything which would let her
stay close to Ranma. I don't know how her family
would feel about it. As for me... I don't know...
it's hard to think about Ranma with another woman;
I get very jealous and angry. ...Sometimes I know
I'm unfair to Ranma when it looks like he's flirting
with another woman... But I like and trust Ukyou,
and Ranma likes her...
Nodoka: This may not be a good way to stay friends with someone,
Akane-chan...
Akane: (small voice) ...I know...
The two women are silent, both looking down. Akane pictures
herself spending a night alone, knowing Ranma is with Ukyou.
She looks like she's about to cry. Nodoka pictures herself
surrounded by a horde of small grandchildren, half of whom are
wearing miniature spatula bandoliers. She starts to smile.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Evening, around 8 pm. Ranma and Akane enter the Nekohanten. Cologne
is behind the cash register.
Voice: Nihao, Ranma! (sudden glomp)
Ranma: Err, Kombanwa, Shampoo. How are you?
Shampoo: Shampoo fine, now Airen here. How Ranma and violent-,
Shampoo mean, Akane? Ranma here to date Shampoo? Maybe
double date with Akane and Mousse?
Akane clenches a fist briefly at this. Ranma actually puts visible
effort into prying Shampoo off.
Ranma: Actually, Shampoo, Akane and I are here to talk to Cologne.
We were hoping she could answer a few questions about a new
technique. You may be interested as well.
We see Shampoo, Cologne, Ranma and Akane clustered around a table as
Ranma describes the technique and how he learned it from Happosai.
Cologne: A ki recharge technique? From contact with the opposite
sex? How appropriate that Happosai would know it.
Hmmm... I think I can guess the basic theory behind it.
Any restrictions that you know of?
Ranma: Well, I can charge from Akane and Ucchan, and also (brief
pause while Ranma touches Shampoo on the arm) Shampoo. If
I'm a girl, though, I can't charge from them, but I can from
Konatsu. Akane and Ukyou can also charge from Konatsu, or
from me, and Konatsu can charge from either of them. We also
tried charging from two of the opposite sex simultaneously.
I can do it from Akane and Ukyou simultaneously, and get twice
the charging rate, but neither of them, nor Konatsu, seems to
be able to get that part quite right.
Cologne: You... charged from two women simultaneously? Muko-dono,
that's quite impressive. You *will* make a good groom for
Shampoo. (pauses briefly)
I've heard of similar techniques, but have never practiced
any myself. My combat style has never involved any flagrant
waste of my own ki, as you may have noticed; I use no
equivalent of your Mouko Takabisha, and seldom use the Shishi
Houkoudan. The Hiryu Shoten Ha uses one's opponents' ki,
not one's own. And I don't bother growing my battle aura,
unlike *some* show-offs I could mention.
You are right that you need to know more of the theory behind
this technique, and I agree with you that Happosai probably
cannot teach this to you. He was never big on theory. You,
especially, Muko-dono, given your unusual facility
with this technique, need to know exactly what you are doing.
I think the best way to proceed is that, rather than answer a
lot of uninformed questions at this time, I will lend you a
few books and scrolls which contain some background, some of
the theory, which you will need to understand. Read these and
return later. I will try to answer your more specific
questions at that time.
(gets up and balances on her staff)
Wait here a moment while I collect the reading material.
It shouldn't take long. In the meantime, you and Shampoo
can... enjoy yourselves together a bit.
Cologne hops off into the back of the restaurant. Shampoo scoots her
chair closer to Ranma and leans her head on Ranma's shoulder. Ranma
looks helplessly at Akane for a moment, signing a question with one
finger in the air. Akane shrugs, then leans her head on Ranma's other
shoulder and puts her arm around Ranma. Ranma puts his right arm around
Akane, then, a moment later and more slowly, puts his left arm around
Shampoo, who sighs in happiness.
Ten minutes pass. The curtains to the back part, and Cologne returns,
carrying several old books and a small case shaped like a lady's
compact.
Cologne: Muko-dono, here are enough to get you started.
She hands the pile of books to Ranma. Ranma glances at each, then back
up at Cologne.
Ranma: But... I can't read any of these. These two are in Chinese,
and I don't even know what language these others are in.
Not Japanese or English.
Akane: ...Not that you can read English very well...
Cologne: One is in Tibetan, one ancient Khmer, one a hybrid
Persian-Greek dialect briefly used in certain oases
on the Silk Road, and the other two, including the
illustrated one, are in Sanskrit.
Ranma: How'm I supposed to read these?
Cologne: I will loan you an artifact which will enable you to read
all of these. Be careful with this, this is over two
thousand years old. In your language this would be called
a 'rensu'.
Cologne opens the compact to reveal a round, disk-shaped object about ten
centimeters in diameter and two centimeters thick in the middle. It
appears to be both slightly translucent and to glow slightly.
Cologne: Now place one finger on the rensu and look at the books again.
It will glow a bit brighter while you're touching it.
Ranma: Hey! I can read them now! How is this possible?
Cologne: It's magic.
Ranma: Oh. I guess so.
Shampoo: (In Mandarin)
Ranma: (Also in Mandarin)
Akane's eyes nearly pop out of her head. Shampoo also looks very
surprised. Cologne merely raises an eyebrow.
Cologne: (In Japanese) That's very unusual, Muko-dono. There
are only a few cases recorded in our history of someone
being able to use the rensu to *speak* a language they
don't normally know.
Ranma: Huh? What do you... Oh. I wasn't speaking Japanese
just now, was I?
Akane: You sounded just like Cologne and Shampoo! Ranma, that
was amazing!
Cologne: You may borrow all of these for your study. Feel free to
take your time; I would prefer that you actually *read* all
of these books before you return to ask me questions.
Both you and Akane will be able to simultaneously use the
rensu to read.
Ranma and Akane thank Cologne profusely, and bow repeatedly as they leave.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The kitchen of the Tendo-ke. Kasumi and Nodoka are standing around
sipping tea.
Kasumi: Auntie, did Father and Uncle Saotome ever come to a
decision about the two family names? I haven't heard
them yelling so loudly at each other for a few days.
Nodoka: Not really. They're quieter about it, true, but they're
still arguing briefly every morning, using points they've
thought up the night before. Honestly...
Kasumi: Is it very important to you whether Ranma and Akane marry
as Tendos or as Saotomes? You haven't been very involved
in the arguments...
Nodoka: (chuckling) Well, I wasn't born a Saotome; I don't have quite
the attachment to the name that my husband does. (quieter)
I still can't believe they *never* discussed this in almost
seventeen years...
Kasumi: Well, for the first few years after Ranma and Akane were born,
neither of them knew that there wouldn't be a Tendo son or
another Saotome son. It wouldn't have been so important...
Nodoka: (sighs) Still, both names are venerable ones in the history
of martial arts in Japan. It's too bad one has to die out.
Kasumi: You and Uncle Saotome could adopt a son...
Nodoka: (brightening) Yes, we could... That's true! Maybe there's
no problem with Ranma becoming a Tendo after all. It really
would be a shame to have to change the name of the Dojo.
Kasumi just smiles. The view expands to the outside of the house. As
the previous night, there is a panda outside Nabiki's window, eavesdropping
with a stethoscope. There are curtains covering the window.
Nabiki's voice: Okay, I have the forged signature of Saotome-san.
Tomorrow I'll get it applied to the registration transfer,
then the day after I'll have it filed here in Nerima. My
many minions can handle this easily...
The view pans into Nabiki's room. Nabiki is not in, but has left a tape
recorder playing her own voice. Outside, the panda furiously scribbles
all of this down.
Genma-panda: o O (For the School... the Saotome School dates to
the beginning of the Tokugawa shogunate! It must survive!)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tendo-ke, later. Ranma and Akane are lying side by side
on Akane's new queen-sized bed, looking at the books together.
Akane: Ranma... did you... enjoy having an arm around Shampoo
as well as me?
Ranma: (blushes) Akane... I dunno. I guess so. I mean, she
could hardly kidnap me in the middle of the restaurant,
right? You didn't seem to mind too much... And you
had an arm around me while we were her guests...
Akane: Those are a lot of justifications, Ranma. All I did was
ask you a simple question.
Ranma: (tugs pigtail) Umm, yeah. Okay, Akane... I enjoyed it,
a bit. Err.. what do you think I should have done?
Akane: I won't tell you that, Ranma. Figure it out for yourself.
But it might have occurred to you that she'd take it
as encouragement.
Ranma: Ulp. You mean... she might think I like her, and she
might chase me more? I don't want that...
Akane: ...Are you sure?
Akane turns away from Ranma and looks back at the books. After a while
she leans her head against Ranma's shoulder.
Akane: As long as we're both touching the rensu, we can read these
regardless of what language they're in. But I'm not sure
I understand all these concepts. They're all Buddhist, or
Tao or Hindu, and they seem very advanced. I was
never exposed to very much Buddhism, and none of the others.
Were you?
Ranma: Well, Pop and I met a lot of different types of people on
the road for all those years, not to mention in China, and
a lot of them were monks of some sort, so I get some of
this. But I probably don't have much more exposure than
you, if as much. Still, I think I'm getting the gist.
This part here... (points) is mostly about the sorts of
things you can do with a lot of ki. Before, this book
was talking about how to get and store it.
Neither speaks for a bit until they've finished the book they're on.
Then Ranma picks up the illustrated, Sanskrit text and opens it.
Akane: (blushing) Ranma... look at those pictures... I can't
believe it... No clothes... and look what those people
are *DOING*!
Ranma: (also blushing) Umm... yeah...
Akane takes one look at Ranma's sweating brow and fixed gaze and sighs.
She reaches under her bed, feels for a moment, then produces a glass
of water which she pours on Ranma's head, careful to not get any on
the books they're studying.
Ranma: HEY!
Akane: Ranma, you are *not* getting excited now. We're not
finished studying these books yet. You can get excited
*later*. Do you understand me?
Ranma: (grumbles under her breath) Yeah, yeah, I understand.
(mutters) uncute tomboy.... (winces at punch to head)
Okay, okay, I'm sorry, Akane.
(looks back down from Akane to the book)
Hey, you're right... the pictures don't seem quite the
same somehow... or at least I can think better while
looking at them...
Akane: (smiling primly) ...now that you're missing the anatomical
part with which boys do their thinking...
Ranma: (starts to look offended, then grins and giggles) Yeah.
Some of these pictures actually look funny now. C'mon,
let's keep going. Hey, look at that one! I don't think
that's even *possible*; how's that guy holding himself up?
(giggles)
Ranma snuggles closer to Akane and puts an arm around her. Akane puts
her arm around Ranma, then impulsively kisses Ranma's cheek before
turning her own attention back to the book.
End Act III.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Act IV.
Next morning. Ranma and Akane are walking to school, both on the fence.
Ranma: I think the point of the illustrated book is to tell us how
much ki energy is available with different kinds of
intimate contact. Remember those numerical scores assigned
to each position? Those were never explained very clearly.
Akane: How would we find out? I can't imagine actually (blushes)
*trying* most of those positions! And quite a few of them
require more than two people!
Ranma: Hmmm... well, I can imagine experimenting with *some* of
the positions... we could try a couple of the mild ones
sometime and compare the effects against the numbers...
o O (Most of the position requiring more than two people
were of one man and two or more women. Akane and Ucchan...
Would I ever have the nerve to suggest trying those positions
together? Would Akane ever forgive me if I did? I'm not
even sure Ucchan would...)
Ranma's eyes glaze a bit. Various fantasies occupy the air around him.
Akane: (Glancing back at Ranma) o O (That Baka! I just know he's
thinking about Ukyou and me in those horrid positions!
I've got to get his mind onto another subject...)
(sweetly) Oh, Ranma, remember we have an English test
today? Did you study?
Ranma: (grins) Oh, I'm prepared, Akane. I'm going to ace this
test big time!
Akane: (looks uncertainly at Ranma) What? But... your grades in
English all year... (suddenly realizes, adopts horrified
expression) Ranma! You didn't bring *it*... with you?
You're not planning to use it *during the test*?
Ranma: (looks smug) Hey, adapting my tactics to the materials
at hand is what I do best, remember?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tendo-ke, mid-morning. Soun and Genma are playing shogi.
Soun: Ha! That's four straight I've won. You're not
concentrating, Saotome-kun!
Nodoka walks in with another envelope.
Nodoka: Another envelope for you, Anata...
Genma bounds to his feet and grabs the large, legal-size envelope
out of Nodoka's hand. Nodoka looks very annoyed at this. Genma
turns his back on Nodoka and rips the envelope open.
Genma: (reads) o O ("Final prize-winners will be awarded their
money at 4:30 pm this afternoon at our TV studio.
Enclosed is one envelope with a round-trip train
ticket. Prize contestants are requested to arrive
at our studio in costume; your costume assignment is
in the other envelope.")
Genma quickly pockets the envelope with the train ticket and opens
the other. His eyes bug out and get huge.
Genma: (bigsweats) o O (... as an *OLD WOMAN* ?!?!)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hinako-sensei's classroom, during the English test. Hinako-sensei
is in adult form throughout the test. She catches some student or
other cheating just often enough to stay that way.
Ranma keeps his left hand under his desk, and looks highly confident.
Hinako looks uncertain, then suspicious, at this, and walks by Ranma
several times, glancing at his answers. His written English is better
even than Akane's, normally the best student in this class, and far
improved over his normal performance. Hinako finally stands right
behind Ranma for a while, watching him closely to check for cheating,
but, other than his concealed left hand, can detect nothing unusual.
She watches Ranma tackle several new questions and read paragraphs
of English, seemingly without effort, and without moving his left hand.
Hinako: O o (Can't have a cheat-sheet hidden in that hand; he's
answered so many questions without looking. Couldn't
have one anyway that would help him with *this* test.
How on Earth? Not even the upper-class students who
spend every evening in English-language cram schools
do this well. The only student in the whole school
who's this good in Marumoto-san, and she lived in
Canada for seven years.)
At the end of the test, Hinako collects the papers and suspiciously
reads through Ranma's. She keeps blinking.
Hinako: O o (Oh yes, that's right. Hmm.. Even spelling correct.
This is better than *I* could do on this test. Better
than Marumoto-san; English language spelling is so
fiendishly difficult. Hmm... I teach American spelling;
maybe I can mark him down if he used English or Australian?)
(aloud) Okay, class, repeat after me:
(in English) "I'm not the fool you take me for."
Class: "Ai-mu nato za furu yu teiku mi folu."
Hinako, looking straight at Ranma, sees him start at the sentence
and notices that Ranma's pronunciation is flawless. Ranma
abruptly places both hands on top of the table.
Hinako: "I don't know how you did that, but you won't get away
with it."
Class: "Ai donotu nou hau yu dedu zatu, bato yu wonto getu awei
wezu eto."
This time Ranma's pronunciation is among the worst in the class, and
he shows no sign of knowing the meaning of the sentence. Neither
do most of the class. The few who do, like Ukyou, don't know
to what it refers. Akane, however, is trying hard to suppress her
desire to laugh.
Hinako: At future tests, all students will be required to keep
both hands on top of their desks at all times. That's
all. Class dismissed.
Hinako turns to walk out. Akane can't hold it in any longer and starts
guffawing. Ranma turns red. The rest of the class look at each other
in confusion.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Gym class, outdoors. Ukyou and Akane are sitting together on the
grass waiting for their turn, talking privately.
Ukyou: Ran-chan did *what*?!?
Akane: (whispers) Quiet! You heard me. That's what I was
laughing about; Hinako-sensei knew it, too. She just
doesn't know how; there's no way she could.
Ukyou: I can't believe... (sighs) yes, I do. Using a borrowed
magical artifact for cheating in a test is *exactly*
what Ran-chan would do.
Akane: At least she caught him; he can't do it again.
Ukyou: With *that* artifact, you mean. Knowing Ran-chan, he'll
just find another one that's easier to conceal.
Akane: We were using the rensu to read all these books Shampoo's
great-grandmother lent us. Honestly, Ukyou, you should
see the one: it's from India, illustrations of people
having sex with each other... couples, triples, more...
you wouldn't believe the positions, the contortions,
they show!
(giggles) Ranma, girl-Ranma I mean, and I couldn't
stop laughing. Really, Ukyou, you *have* to see this!
Why don't you come by tonight? After your restaurant
closes... Tap on my window about eleven and I'll let
you in. Bring your pajamas if you want.
Ukyou: ...thanks, Akane. I appreciate the invitation. I'll be
there. o O (Will Ran-chan be in Akane's room too?
Another pajama party?)
Suddenly there is a loud mid-air explosion above them. Happosai darts
by, carrying a bag full of girl's gym shorts and a trail of girls, sans
shorts, chasing him. Hinako-sensei, unconscious, lies fifty yards
back along his trail.
Thundering voice: HAPPOSAI!! NOW I'VE GOT YOU!!
Even louder voice: NO, VULGAR MAN, NOW I'VE GOT YOU!!
The students look up to see a winged, tentacled buffalo flying down
towards Happosai and a six-armed, three-faced woman flying towards
the buffalo.
Daisuke to Hiroshi: Hmm... even for this school, this looks
a bit unusual. (Hiroshi nods agreement.)
Ranma: Great! Just great! That old freak led *both* those
monsters to the school!
Crouching, Ranma leaps into the air, firing a Mouko Takabisha between
Pansuto and Rouge to get their attention.
Ranma: HEY! THIS IS A SCHOOL! FIGHT SOMEWHERE ELSE!
Hiroshi to Daisuke: Huh? There's somewhere else to fight?
Pansuto and Rouge ignore the blast. Pansuto turns from Happosai to
confront Rouge. Ranma bounds off Pansuto's back, flips over in mid-air,
and lands, feet-first, on Rouge's head.
Ranma: C'mon, Rouge, cut it out! You'll hurt someone!
Rouge1: That insolent man peeped on me again!
Rouge2: He must pay!
Rouge3: And he took my lunch!
Ranma somersaults through the air to land on Pansuto's back, dodging
two of Rouge's firebolts and Pansuto's fist on the way.
Ranma: Alright, Pansuto, what'd you do now?
Pansuto: DON'T CALL ME THAT!!!
Ranma: Hey, Ucchan! Akane! One of you throw the old freak up here!
And get some water in teakettles! Cold's okay; I'll heat it
up here!
Akane & Ukyou: Gotcha!
Akane has already grabbed Happosai by the collar as he ran past and is
holding him up. Ukyou unholsters her spatula and swings. Happosai goes
flying up into the air towards the fray. Akane produces two full
teakettles from somewhere.
Meanwhile, Ranma bounds off Pansuto's head towards Happosai, dodging
tentacles. Ranma grabs Happosai as the latter goes flying past and throws
him straight at Pansuto, simultaneously hitting Rouge in the arms with a
Mouko Takabisha. Rouge ignores it. Pansuto grabs Happosai in a huge fist.
Ranma: (touching down) WILL YOU GUYS CUT THIS OUT ALREADY!! THIS
IS A SCHOOL! IF YOU GUYS FIGHT HERE SOMEONE COULD GET HURT!
Yuka: (turning to Sayura) It sure sounds funny to hear Ranma
say that. He does more fighting here than anyone.
Ranma grabs the teakettles from Akane. Ranma leaps 90 feet straight up,
back into the fray. Bounding off Pansuto's back again, he gets above
Rouge and pours the contents of one of the teakettles.
Ranma: o O (Damn! It evaporated before any of it touched her.)
For the next minute, he bounds back and forth between Pansuto and Rouge,
dodging their strikes with twisting somersaults, and letting fly
with Mouko Takabishas.
Ranma: o O (I don't want to hurt Rouge, but I don't know for sure
how much she can take. I don't mind hurting Pansuto, though...)
Male gym teacher: (bored tone) ...another 'A' for Saotome in gymnastics...
Ranma again lands on Rouge's head and places the remaining teakettle down
on her head. He leaps off again...
Ranma: o O (HOT! HOT! HOT!)
...somersaults, and again touches down on her head, picking up the
teakettle, now steaming, and leaps towards Pansuto.
Happosai, who's been struggling in Pansuto's grasp, finally frees one arm
and starts throwing Happodaikarin bombs at everyone else. Ranma dodges
two, but the third explodes in his face and he drops the teakettle.
Pansuto also catches one in the face and lets go of Happosai.
Happosai: I'll show that snot-nosed punk how a real master handles
aerial combat with two flying monsters!
Down below, Akane and Ukyou are looking on worriedly; most of the other
students are just "oooohing" and "aahhing".
Ukyou: Akane, is there anything we can do? I can't jump that high...
Akane: If you can't, I certainly can't. Can you throw your spatulas?
Ukyou: I can throw them that far, but who knows who they'd hit?
You see how they're all moving around!
Akane: Is there any way to throw some more hot water up there, and
change those two back?
Ukyou: (looks up) ...I don't know... I think any water would turn
to steam before it hit Rouge. Maybe Pansuto...
Akane: That last Mouko Takabisha Ranma threw looked weaker! Get ready,
Ukyou! Ranma's going to need a recharge!
(looking up worriedly)
Ukyou: I'm guessing he'll somersault over this way. We need to
stand just far enough apart so he can land between us...
Akane: We'll have to do more than touch, too. He needs maximum
flow. Let's both kiss him...
Thirty more seconds pass, during which Ranma dodges Pansuto's fists three
times, Rouge's firebreath twice, and Happosai's bombs four times. He
fires only one more Mouko Takabisha, which is visibly weaker. Finally he
glances over at Akane and Ukyou, leaps off Pansuto's head, and does a
quadruple, twisting somersault before landing precisely between Akane and
Ukyou.
Ranma: Quick! Recharge!
Akane and Ukyou embrace Ranma from each side and kiss him. He puts his
arms around both of them, glows bright blue for a moment, then disengages.
He leaps off, twisting as he goes, and looks back briefly to grin at the
two girls. The nearby students gape, shocked at the display.
Hiroshi and Daisuke: That Ranma! Two girls at once! What's he need *two*
for?
Yuka and Sayura: Akane! Ukyou! How can you both put up with that? If it
were up to me I've have him neutered!
Akane and Ukyou look at each other and smile.
Akane & Ukyou: o O (Ranma needed me... needed us... I feel good
about that, no matter what anyone thinks...)
Ranma spends another three minutes bouncing off Pansuto's and Rouge's
heads and firing occasional Mouko Takabishas.
Ranma: WILL YOU GUYS PLEASE STOP!?
Pansuto: Crazy bitch blames me for stealing her lunch! I thought it
was just sitting there on the grass! And how could I know she
was bathing nearby? Make her stop first and then I'll stop!
Rouge1: I won't stop! He must pay!
Rouge2: No, *I* won't stop!
Rouge3: That's my line!
Happosai, like Ranma, has been bounding back and forth between heads.
Finally, Ranma bounces up behind Happosai while the latter is not
looking. He grabs Happosai and throws him right at Pansuto, who glances
away from Rouge to catch Happosai. Rouge hits him with a bolt of
lightning. Pansuto, still holding Happosai, falls. Ranma lands ahead
of them and carefully circles the spot where Pansuto and Happosai will
land. Rouge plunges after them. The moment Pansuto and Happosai touch
down, Ranma begins to circle them much faster, appearing just a blur to
most of the students. Rouge keeps descending. Ranma uses the Mouko
Takabisha to keep Pansuto in one spot. Ranma is circling much faster
than he ever has before. Just before Rouge touches down...
Ranma: HIRYU SHOTEN HA!!! (punches air with right fist)
A whirlwind appears and Rouge, Happosai, and Pansuto are all caught up
in it and carried off. Ranma keeps his fist clenched longer than usual,
and the whirlwind moves away from the school. Just before all three fade
from sight in the distance, Ranma fires a left-handed Mouko Takabisha
to knock Happosai out of the whirlwind.
Ranma: Guess I owe the freak that much for teaching me the recharge
technique... Before, I'd never have lasted long enough,
fighting like that, to catch those two unawares...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Mid-afternoon. Street scene. Genma, in long overcoat
and hat, is walking towards the train station. A girl in
wide-brinned hat and sunglasses, carrying a camera case, is
following him. Genma is sorting through his pieces of paper.
Genma: o O (I'M GOING TA BE RICH!! With all this money,
it'll be easy to block Nabiki. That schoolgirl
is no match for me!
The Saotome name *must* triumph! The Saotome School
dates back to... back to... Heian times!)
(Plucks small envelope from amid papers)
o O (...Yeah... that's the ticket...)
Genma and shadower enter the train station and board a train.
We can now see that the shadower is Nabiki. She pauses and
whispers to two young children, slipping them a few coins each.
One child saunters up to Genma, grabs his hat, and takes off
with it. Now we can see that Genma is wearing a women's wig
and face makeup: lipstick and rouge.
o O (Damn it. Now everyone else on the train can see
me. Well, I might as well shed my overcoat, then.
It's too hot in here to wear it without reason.)
Genma removes his overcoat. Now he's sitting on the train bench,
against one wall of the train, wearing a long, frilly dress. He's
obviously a man in drag, and the other train occupants are recoiling.
Nabiki, still disguised, positions herself opposite Genma and puts
one hand in her camera-bag, waiting. The second child saunters
towards Genma, then throws a clear liquid towards Genma and runs
away. Genma, surprisingly, hasn't changed.
Genma: o O (Double damn! Now I'm a *panda* in drag! Am I
glad Nodoka can't see me now!)
Nabiki pulls her video camera out of its case, aims at Genma, and
starts filming.
Nabiki: (narrates) And here's our news footage of a typical
commuter train in Tokyo. This panda, dressed as a
woman, boarded the train at our last stop. What can
this panda be thinking, to dress like that?
o O (Good thing I thought of testing glycerin on Ranma
last month. No change, but feels like cold water.)
Panda-sign: I swear, it's not what you think.
The other commuters stare at each other in confusion. "What panda?"
"What's that sign for?"
Panda-sign: I'm just an ordinary panda. Leave me alone.
Nabiki: (pans camera over surprised-looking train passengers)
...and these poor citizens, terrorized by cross-dressing
wildlife... How can they cope? Why don't the authorities
put a stop to this?
(returns camera to Genma in time to catch:)
Panda-sign: Pandas aren't carnivorous! I'm not going to eat anyone!
(twirls sign)
I'm just trying to make a little money!
The train comes to the next stop. Nabiki packs up the camera and gets
off. Genma continues on.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Later. Genma is in the lobby of an office building in downtown Tokyo,
still in drag.
Genma: What do you mean, you've never heard of this company?
They owe me 200,000,000 Yen!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Later. Nabiki's room. She is on the phone.
Nabiki: Domo, Kawamura-san. It's done? Please send me a copy
of the final Tendo family registry. Arigatou Gozaimasu.
(hangs up phone)
Nabiki: o O (That's it. It's done. Ranma has been transferred
from the Saotome family registry to the Tendo.)
(smirks) o O (Even got Ranma's father to sign the
papers himself. A good job, that; one of my best.)
o O (I hope this goes okay; we haven't even asked Ranma...
I wonder when Daddy plans to tell Ranma that his name is
now officially Tendo Ranma?)
There is a knock on the door. Nodoka walks in at Nabiki's summons.
Nodoka: Nabiki-aan, may I make a request of you?
Nabiki: Certainly, Auntie. What is it?
Nodoka: I was thinking about a suggestion Kasumi made
about how to preserve the Saotome name and School,
if Ranma and Akane are married as Tendos. Kasumi
suggested that my husband and I adopt another son.
This would solve the problem quite well. I have a
tentative candidate in mind, but I need the customary
research done first, and I'm not sure how to arrange it.
And this must be very discreet until we're sure.
As Nodoka goes on, we see Nabiki's eyebrows rise.
Nabiki: o O (Ukyou? As a *son*?)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tendo-ke, during dinner. Everyone is seated around the table,
eating. The TV is on, turned to the news. Nodoka is seated facing
the TV. No-one else is really looking at it, except Nabiki,
surreptitiously.
TV: As usual, nothing whatsoever happened in Nerima today,
especially at Furikan High School. (pause)
Next up, we have a special segment. This video, shot
and submitted by an anonymous amateur, shows a really
shocking event on today's commuter train!
Nabiki: o O (Good. They kept their promise to keep my name out
of it. They paid well for the video, too...)
Nodoka: (astonished tone) Anata!!!
Everyone looks up. There, on the TV, is Genma, sitting on a train,
in drag, communicating via signs despite being human. Nodoka turns
purple. Kasumi and Soun notice nothing unusual. Genma appears to
be strangling. Akane is surprised; Ranma apoplectic. Nabiki is
smiling.
Ranma: (puts foot on Genma's head) All right, Oyaji, what's
*THIS* all about? I know I'm goin' to hear all about
this at school tomorrow!
Nodoka: o O (THIS is the man I trusted to raise Ranma as a 'man
among men'? Well, that's about to change!)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tendo-ke, 11 pm, Akane's room. Ranma and Akane, both in
pajamas, are lying on her bed reading the books and scrolls. There
is a tap at the window.
Ranma: Eh? Is the old freak trying to sneak in here again?
Akane: No, that's just Ukyou. I invited her to come over to see
the Indian sex manual. (giggles) I was telling her about
it, and just thinking about those positions... She has to
see the book for herself!
Ranma: (starts to sweat) o O (Ucchan and Akane both in here...
looking at *that*. Ohno. I'm going to embarrass myself...)
Akane gets up and opens the window. Ukyou hops in, smiling. She is
already dressed in pajamas and is holding a small overnight bag.
Ukyou: Konbanwa! I just changed on your roof since I wasn't sure...
Akane: Oh, no problem, Ukyou. C'mon over. Let me get that book
back out...
Akane turns away from Ukyou a moment to rummage. Ukyou looks at the bed,
at Ranma, trying to figure out where to sit or lie.
Ukyou: Ummm... we all have to be touching this 'rensu' thing, right?
Ranma: Err... yes, Ucchan, why don't you... (voice drops. Ranma looks
at the bed, at how he and Akane are lying, obviously at a loss)
Akane: Ranma, why don't you go change to a girl for a bit? This is
really going to be more girl talk and giggling...
Ranma: (gratefully) Sure, Akane. I'll be right back.
With Ranma gone, Ukyou lies down on the bed next to Akane. They start to
look at the ancient text and its illustrations, face down, each with a
finger on the rensu, giggling. Shortly, onna-Ranma returns. With a
mischievous grin, she lies down on top of Akane and Ukyou and sticks
her head between the two of them and an arm around each. She gives them
both a quick peck on the cheek.
Akane: Baka! You can't read it unless you're touching the rensu!
Ranma: I don't need to touch it, I already read the book. I've got
something better to touch anyway.
Ukyou eases away just enough to let Ranma slide down between her and Akane.
She places her outside arm so that she can touch the rensu and her inside
around Ranma. Akane follows suit.
Ranma: Maybe I can touch it with my nose... (inches forward,
sticking nose out)
Akane and Ukyou both roll their eyes, then smile at each other over
Ranma's head.
End Act IV.
THE END.
Notes:
Pansuto (aka Pantyhose Tarou) and Rouge are late manga characters,
not yet translated.
Acknowledgements:
Dr. Edward E. Smith for the 'rensu' concept, which I've modified.
The idea of Nodoka adopting Ukyou as a son comes from a number of sources,
which I'd like to acknowledge here:
David Eddy's 'Nekophobia' fanfic stories, in which Ukyou is adopted by
the Saotomes as a daughter, and:
A fan C&C-er, Ricardo Garza, who, after reading 'Much Ado', pointed me
at Hitomi Ichinohei's 'A Son's Duty' and its interpretation on the
FFML. Briefly, when Genma broke the Ranma-Ukyou engagement,
Ukyou's family was so shamed that Ukyou's gender was legally changed from
female to male by a subterfuge: Ukyou the girl was reported dead,
and a replacement Ukyou-boy was reported as adopted.
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