NEW JOKES:
Subject: Forgiveness
The preacher's, Sunday sermon was, "Forgive Your Enemies."
He asked, how many have forgiven their enemies?
About half held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
Now about 80 percent held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
All responded, except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three." she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said:
"It's easy, I just outlived those bitches."
Subject: Old West
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails
looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went
around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the
spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot
the snake.
"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted
rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you
want." The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of
the snake's striking range.
He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like
a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment
like this here horse I'm riding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll
have all three wishes."
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to
the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the
mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.
He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just
like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans,
looked at his crotch and shouted...
"Oh My G---.. I was riding the MARE!
Subject: The difference between Liberal and Conservative.
Question: You're walking down a deserted street with
your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking
man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is
running at you while screaming obscenities.
In your hand is a .357 Magnum and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
Liberal Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
You're looking for simple solutions to complex issues.
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife
out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound
me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he
was stabbing me?
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try
to come to a conclusion.
Conservative Answer:
Shoot the son of a bitch!
Then take your family to a baseball game, eat some hot dogs with apple
pie, sing the national anthem, go to church and praise the Lord for one
more
day of freedom.
Subject: Life cycle is all backwards
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time and what do
you get at the end of it? You die.
I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get
it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're
too young.
You get a gold watch when you go to work. You work forty years
until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs,alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.
You go to grade school,you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities.
You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend
your last
nine months floating...and you finish off as an orgasm.
Much better.... :))
A married couple was in a terrible accident in which the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you,"
"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
More Evidence That This World Is Full Of Complete Idiots
1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old
man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two
(counterfeit) $16 bills.
2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his
49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him,
while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's
head.
3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect
safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging
the use of safety goggles on the job. According to
Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory
industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers
suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening
room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven
stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while
watching the film.
4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on
nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating
one within city limits.
5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in
St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene,
fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to
complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13
years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took
the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it
reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker
confused the copier with the shredder.
7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a
few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for
robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to
see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized
his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse
in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a
suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and
connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and
police pressed the copy button each time they thought the
suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie
detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
9. When two service station attendants in Ionia,
Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated
robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still
refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of
walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph
chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the
vehicle to a stop.
I bet there are lots more but here goes!!
Eleven Signs of PMS
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You add chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing with everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
that reads, "How's my driving--call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
11. Three little letters (M, E, and N) send you into an uncontrollable rage.
Top 10 Summer Camps You Should NOT Send Your Kids To:
10) Tommy Lee's ................. Camp Kickachickee
9) Lorena Bobbit's ........... Camp Cutaweewee
8) Tonya Harding's ............. Camp Wackaneenee
7) Kenneth Starr's ............ Camp Catchacrookee
6) Louis Farakahn's .......... Camp Killawhitey
5) O.J. Simpson's .......... Camp Killachickee
4) Michael Jackson's .......... Camp Wannabewhitey
3) President Clinton's ........ Camp Getahoochie
2) Ellen Degeneree's ........... Camp Lickacoochie
And the number one camp not to send your kid to:
1) Monica Lewinsky's ........... Camp Suckapeepee
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem.
I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one
thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed.
Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a
solution
to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught
to
pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my
house,
and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Jobe. My parrots can
teach
your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop
saying ...that phrase...in no time."
Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside
their
cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over
and
placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi,
we're
prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at
the
other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our
prayers
have been answered!"
The child & priest
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy
trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is
very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the
boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little
fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and
gives
the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks,
"And now what, my little man?"
The boy replies, "Now we run!"
BUBBA
Bubba died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue
needed someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two friends,
Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe, to come and try to I.D. the body. Jim-Bob went
in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yeh,he's
burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over, and
Jim-Bob looked at his ass and said, "No, dat ain't Bubba." The mortician
didn't
say anything, but thought that was kind of strange. Then he brought
in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body, and Billy-Joe looked at him and said, "Yeh,
he's
burnt real bad; roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-joe
looked down at his ass and said, "No, dat ain't Bubba." The mortician said
"How
can you tell?" Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two a-holes." "What? He had
two assholes?!" said the mortician. "Yeh,
everyone in town knew he had two a-holes. Every time the three of us went
to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a-holes!'"
MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job
that should be done in private using ones's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger
foods.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and
pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by
a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good
his manners are.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been
wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom
wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the
answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
BELL RINGER
The Story AFTER Quasimodo....
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent
word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The
bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went
up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing
several
applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day when
an
armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply
for the
bell
ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous: "You have no arms!" "No
matter." said the man, "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with
his
face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in
astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for
Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless
man
tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the
street
below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the
street, a
crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful
music they
had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop
through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know
his
name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell." {WAIT!
WAIT!
Not
through yet!!}
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on hisheart
due
to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop
continued
his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to
approach
him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch
that
fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor
his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to
give the man an audition, but as the armless man's brother stooped to
pick up
a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and
died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this
second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?
Who is
this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name,"
sighed
the distraught bishop,..... ...
{wait for it...} {wait......}
"but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
1.) What do you call an eternity?
Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
2.) Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First
3.) Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for
four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" so they
turned around and went home.
4.) What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.
5.) What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.
6.) Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.
7.) Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
8.) How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
9.) Why can't Blondes dial 911?
They can't find the 11 on the phone!
10.) What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
11.) How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
There is white-out all over the monitor.
12.) Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
13.) A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches every part of her
body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts,
my
arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks,
"Were you
ever a Blonde?" "Yes I was." she replies. "why do you ask?"
The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"
14.) A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette
said,
"Oh look at the dead bird."
The Blonde looked skyward and said, "Where, where?"
15.) A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to
rail, saying "21" "21" "21". A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to
join
her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21".
Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle and jumps off the tracks just
as
the
Blonde is splattered all over the place. The Brunette goes back to
jumping
from rail to rail , counting "22" "22" "22".
16.) How do you drown a Blonde?
Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
OR: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
17.) Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a
regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
18.) How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
19.) Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
20.) Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death
in
their car at the drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for Winter".
21.) Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?
They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
22.) A Blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops
a
coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.
She
returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine
keeps
feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and
watches
her antics for a few minutes before stopping and asking if someone else
could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, "Can't
you see I'm winning?!"
23.) Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to
some
tracks. The first blonde said, "These look like deer tracks," and the other
one said, "No they look like moose tracks.". They argued and argued for
a
while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
24.) Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their
Mercedes with a coat hanger, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat
hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said
anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down!"
25.) A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband
is
having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. Then
one
day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful
redhead.
She
grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of
bed,
begging and pleading with not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde
responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
26.) Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
27.) What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
They drowned in Spring Training.
28.) What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the
YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
29.) Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
30.) How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
31.) A Blonde was walking down the road when she spotted another blonde in a rowboat out in the middle of a wheat field. The first blonde yelled out to her, "It's blondes like you that give us a bad name, and if I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"
32.) Why did the blonde have little round bruises around her belly button?
Blonde men are stupid too.
Always a blond...
A letter from a Blonde Y2K Engineer to her boss:
I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to
be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me.
At any rate I have finished converting the company
calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the
following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
Subject: rectum strecher
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after
spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and
filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor.
He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know, a cop
jumped out, radar gun in hand, motioned him to the side of the bridge.
Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you
were
going,BOY?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?"
"67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic
fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The
cop
took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said,
"You
don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so
scruffy
in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, said, "What
kind of a job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched,
so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a
couple
more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther
and
farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What
the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the
end
of a bridge.
Philosophy of Love...
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But...
If it just sits in your living room, watches your TV, messes up your
stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and
doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first
place, you either married it or gave birth to it!