BEAVIS, DARIA, AND BUTT-HEAD
By
Patrick Moore
CMoore1703@aol.com
Daria, Beavis, and Butt-Head are owned by MTV.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: What would happen if Beavis and Butt-Head moved to Lawndale with Daria? That is the question that might be answered in this story. I’ve been wondering why the Morgendorffers moved in the first place, and why Daria hasn’t said anything about Beavis and Butt-Head to her friends in Lawndale. This story set in the past and the present. It’s more of a flashback story that will be set in the Beavis and Butt-Head universe, and more recently in the Daria universe.
ACT 1
(The story opens in Lawndale; Daria and Jane are watching TV in Jane’s room.)
TV Announcer- A real life Yogi Bear in Yellowstone Park, stealing picnic baskets and causing trouble. On the next "Sick, Sad World."
Jane- What do you have planed for Spring Break?
Daria- Sit around with Mom, Dad, and Quinn. I hope that we don’t go camping again.
Jane- You can come with us to Megaplasma.
Daria- What is Megaplasma?
Jane- The biggest, weeklong concert in the world. It comes every ten years, and they serve you chocolate covered popcorn during the show.
Daria- I don’t want to rot my teeth, and that loud music would deafens my ears. Is there a better way I can spend my vacation with Quinn telling me about her woes?
Jane- There’s this sci-fi convention coming this weekend; the actress who played Wonder Woman is going to be there.
Daria- Do I look like a Sci-fi fan to you?
Jane- It’s either that or Megaplasma.
(Daria pauses for ten seconds and leaves.)
Jane- Where are you going?
Daria- I’m going back home. Maybe Mom has found something better for us to do.
Jane- What if she doesn’t?
Daria- Then I’ll take on your offer. (Daria leaves.)
Jane- She’ll be back.
(Scene changes to the Morgendorffer are dining room, where Daria, Quinn, Helen, and Jake are eating dinner.)
Helen- I heard that there’s going to be a weeklong concert in Highland. Isn’t that where those friends of yours help save the world live, Daria?
Daria- Beavis and Butt-Head are not my friends, Mom.
Quinn- What parent would call their sons Beavis and Butt-Head?
Daria- Idiot parents.
Jake- Daria, that is no way to call somebody’s parents an idiot.
Daria- Dad, Beavis and Butt-Head are complete idiots. Do you remember the time when I invited them to my fifteenth birthday party?
Jake- I don’t remember you inviting them to your party, Daria.
Daria- That’s because you, Mom, and Quinn just met them for the first and last time.
Helen- Tell us what happened, Daria?
Quinn- I think I’ll go upstairs and call Sandi on the phone.
Helen- (frowns) Quinn, I want you to hear Daria’s story, maybe it will teach something about boys.
Quinn- (sighs) Fine. I hope that this story is better than the ones on "Friends."
Helen- You can start your story now, Daria.
Daria- It all started when we were in Highland. I was in Mr. VanDresien’s class doing my work…
(Scene flashbacks to Highland High School; Daria is wearing her black jacket and red skirt that she wore on "Beavis and Butt-Head." She is writing notes on what Mr. VanDresien is saying. Just then Beavis and Butt-Head begin their class disruptions.)
Beavis- Say, Butt-Head, are we going to get some nachos from the Maxi-Mart? (Laughs)
Butt-Head- Of course we are, buttmunch. (Laughs) We got to start getting us some chicks and score. (Laughs)
Beavis- (laughs) We got to get chicks and score. (Laughs)
(Daria turns around and stares at them.)
Daria- Will you two shut up, I’m trying to graduate.
Butt-Head- Hello, Diarrhea. (Laughs)
Beavis- Diarrhea cha-cha-cha.
Daria- That’s Daria.
Butt-Head- What do you want?
Daria- I was going to invite you two morons to my birthday party, since you two want to be perverted to my female guest, I guess that you won’t be coming.
Butt-Head- (laughs) Did you say party?
Beavis- (laughs) I heard her say party. (Laughs)
Daria- You’re not invited.
Mr. VanDresein- Is there a problem, Ms. Morgendorffer?
(Daria turns around to Mr. VanDresein.)
Daria- Beavis and Butt-Head are disrupting me from my studies.
Mr. VanDresein- Beavis and Butt-Head, please stop disrupting the class.
Butt-Head- OK, Teach. (Laughs)
(Scene changes to the school lunchroom; Daria is talking to Stewart and Candice.)
Stewart- Thanks of the invitation, Daria.
Daria- Your welcome, Stewart.
Candice- I hope you didn’t invite those two idiots to your party, Daria.
Daria- They’re not coming to the party. I think that I was too hash on them, maybe I should invite them.
Candice- Don’t be an idiot! Your doing the right thing in not inviting them. I bet that your party is better than your sister’s is.
Daria- Quinn is a year younger than me, so how can she have a better party than me?
Stewart- She’s kind of cute.
Daria- You think that Quinn is popular than Candice, or I’m not popular than Beavis and Butt-Head?
(Quinn come in. She wears a short sleeved, blue T-shirt with a picture of a Smurf, and blue jeans.)
Candice- Well, guess who showed up?
Quinn- Hi, Daria!
Daria- What do you want, Quinn?
Quinn- What should I wear to the party on Saturday?
Daria- You want me to tell you what to wear at my birthday party? Why don’t you wear your normal clothes?
Quinn- Daria, if I wear my normal clothes to your party, I’ll be the laughing stock of the whole party.
Daria- Quinn, my party isn’t formal.
Quinn- Think about it, a lot of handsome boys are going to be there, and I don’t want them to think that I’m some unpopular person like you.
Daria- I get A’s and B’s on my report card, and you get B’s, C’s, and D’s on yours. Now who’s unpopular now?
Quinn- I get the point.
(Quinn walks off.)
Daria- Maybe I should of told her about the pony.
(End of Act 1)
ACT 2
(The scene returns to present day.)
Quinn- Daria, how could you tell Mom and Dad about my Smurf shirt. If the Fashion Club found out I wore one, they’ll kick me out.
Helen- (Smiles) Quinn, you loved the Smurfs.
Quinn- When I was ten, Mother.
Daria- What about Barney?
(Jake and Helen stare at Quinn.)
Quinn- (frowns) Alright, I still watch Barney. Happy?
Daria- (smiles) Very much.
Helen- Beavis and Butt-Head must have been raised by the wrong people, if they been getting in a lot of trouble. Maybe, I can talk to their parents about them.
Daria- Good luck finding them.
Helen- What do you mean, Daria?
Daria- Beavis and Butt-Head live by themselves in the same house.
Jake- Don’t tell me that they’re…
Helen- JAKE!
Daria- No, Dad, they’re not gay, just stupid.
Quinn- If you ask me, I think those two are nothing but trouble. They can’t even say your name right.
Helen- Don’t those two have real names?
Daria- Those are their real names, Mom.
Helen- Maybe, if you finish your story, Daria, we might find out more about them.
Daria- Where did I leave off?
Jake- When Quinn wore her Smurf T-shirt in the lunchroom.
Quinn- DAD!
Daria- After my little lunch talk with Quinn, I decided to visit Beavis and Butt-Head after school before they go to work at Burger World.
(The scene flashbacks to the past; Daria walks to Beavis and Butt-Head’s house. Beavis and Butt-Head are sitting on the couch watching TV and eating nachos.)
Butt-Head- (laughs) We got to go to Diarrhea’s party. (Laughs)
Beavis- (laughs) I want some chicks, Butt-Head. (Laughs)
Butt-Head- I know that, butt-munch. (Laughs)
(The doorbell rings.)
Butt-Head- Get the door, Beavis.
Beavis- You get it, Butt- Head.
Butt-Head- I said get the door, booger brain!
Beavis- No way, asswipe.
(Beavis and Butt-Head begin to fight, until Butt-Head finally gets to the door. He opens it to see Daria at the door.)
Butt-Head- What do you want, Diarrhea?
Daria- I was thinking of inviting you to my birthday party on Saturday.
Butt-Head- I thought we weren’t invited?
Daria- I’m inviting you, on one condition.
Beavis- What that?
Daria- Don’t do anything idiotic to my guest, and don’t bring that thug friend with you.
Butt-Head- We promise. (Butt-Head crosses his fingers behind his back.)
Daria- Well, I’ll see you guys tomorrow at school.
Butt-Head- Goodbye, Diarrhea. (Laughs)
(Daria leaves, while Butt-Head closes the door after her.)
Butt-Head-YES! We’re gonna score.
Beavis- And all those chicks, too. (Laughs)
(Daria pauses outside as she is thinking of what she done.)
Daria- Something tells me that I just made a major mistake.
(Scene changes to the front room in the Morgendorffer’s house in Highland. Quinn is watching "Power Rangers," while Jake is cooking dinner. Just then, Daria enters.)
Daria- Are the Power Rangers winning again, Quinn?
Quinn- Of course they’re winning.
Daria- Why do you watch that horrific show?
Quinn- I like what the Pink Ranger and Yellow Ranger is wearing before they transform into their superhero getup. I wish you were a Power Ranger, Daria, then you can do something than just being a bookworm for the rest of your loser life.
Daria- (To Jake) You don’t have to cook today, Dad, Mom’s bringing dinner.
Jake- I worked so hard to cook this food for this family, and I’m not going to let it waste for you mother bringing us some grease filled food from a fast food joint! We’re going to eat my cooking, even if I have to stuff it down your mother’s throat!
(Helen enters)
Helen- You’re going to stuff what down my throat, Jake?
Jake- Nothing, Helen.
Daria- What happened to the burgers, Mom?
Helen- I went to Burger World to order the food, when these two idiots insulted me about my melons.
Jake- They insulted your watermelons.
Helen- You know what melons I’m talking about, Jake.
Jake- Oh, those melons.
Helen- I decided not to get the burgers, but I picked up some rib dinners instead. I’m not going back to that Burger World again.
Jake- What I’m I going to do about my pasta?
Helen- We’ll just have it tomorrow.
Daria- What’s with you buying dinner for us for, Mom?
Helen- My boss gave me a raise.
Quinn- That’s great, Mom.
Helen- He said that he is about to transfer me to another law firm.
Jake- That’s great, Helen.
Helen- In another town.
Daria- That’s bad, Mom.
Helen- It’s only going to take a half a year before I can get transferred there.
Quinn- I don’t want to leave Highland to some other town. I don’t want to leave my friends behind.
Helen- Do any of you remember my friend from Junior High, Linda Griffin?
Daria- No.
Quinn- No.
Jake- No.
Helen- She was the most popular girl in school, until her family moved to Lawndale, then I became the most popular.
Daria- What does this have to do with moving to a new town?
Helen- Linda was a complete bitch before she moved to Lawndale. As for your question, Daria, we all have to leave sometime in our lives to begin a new.
Jake- I thought Linda was your friend?
Helen- When you become popular, you lose your friends, and gain a power trip.
Daria- I think I’ll eat my dinner in my room.
Quinn- Me too.
(Daria and Quinn leave to their rooms with their food.)
Helen: When I think of that bitch, Linda, I like to strangle that slut’s neck!
Jake- I think I’ll join the girls by eating in our bedroom.
(Jake takes his dinner up to the bedroom.)
End of Act II
Act III
(Scene opens back to the present.)
Quinn- I didn’t know that Mom and Sandi’s mom were friends.
Helen- I can’t believe that bitch Linda can be so popular in Lawndale, now that she’s the head of the Lawndale Women’s Club. If I ever see her, I’ll strangle that slut’s neck!
Daria- Can I finish the story now?
Helen- Sorry about that, Daria. You can finish your story now.
Daria- It got worse for us on the day of my birthday that Beavis and Butt-Head would bring Todd to the party.
(Scene changes to the past where Beavis and Butt-Head are eating nachos on the sidewalk of the Maxi-Mart.)
Butt-Head- Don’t eat all the nachos, dumb ass. We need them for Diarrhea’s birthday party. (Laughs)
Beavis- (Laughs) What are going to give Diarrhea for a present?
Butt-Head- Uh, let’s give her some dirty magazines. (Laughs)
Beavis- No way, Butt-Head! Let’s give her this.
(Beavis shows Butt-Head a condom.)
Butt-Head- Daria doesn’t have a wiener, stupid. (Butt-Head smacks Beavis.)
(Todd enters without his car.)
Todd- What are you ladies up to this time?
Butt-Head- We’re going to a birthday party, Todd. (Laughs) Want to come?
Todd- Birthday parties is for sissies.
Beavis- This party is for Diarrhea. (Laughs)
Todd- How old is she?
Butt-Head- Uh, fifteen.
Todd- Maybe I will go to your lame party after all.
Beavis- Then can we be in your gang? (Laughs)
Todd- I’ll think about it.
(Todd leaves)
Butt-Head- Todd’s going to be at Diarrhea’s party. (Laughs)
Beavis- This is going to be cool. (Laughs)
(Scene changes to the Morgendorffer’s front room where Daria’s friends showed up for her birthday party.)
Quinn- (To Helen) I hope Daddy doesn’t come as a clown again, Mom.
Helen- I know about your little phobia of clowns, Quinn. Where’s Daria?
Quinn- She’s still in her room. Do you want me to get her?
Helen- I’ll get her, Quinn.
(Helen leaves)
Quinn- (Waving at one of the boys off camera.) Where has you been all my life, you hunk?
(Helen is upstairs and knocks on Daria’s door.)
Daria’s voice- Who is it?
Helen- It’s your mother. Can I come in?
Daria’s voice- Is Quinn with you?
Helen- No.
Daria’s voice- You can enter.
(Helen opens the door to see Daria wearing her green jacket and black skirt.)
Helen- I see your wearing the clothes Aunt Amy has given you for your birthday present.
Daria- I’ll write her a thank you letter.
Helen- Daria, your friends are downstairs waiting for you.
Daria- In all my life I’ve been trying to be like everybody else in school, but I was born a brain. Did God put me on this earth to make people happy, or just make their lives a living hell? I’m fifteen, Mom and I can’t stop thinking that next year I’ll be "Sweet Sixteen." Will I grow up and be a doctor, a lawyer, a writer, or a cartoonist that would make millions of a fat, orange cat named Garfield?
Helen- I’m not fate, Daria, but I can tell you that you can be anything you want to be as long as we still love each other.
Daria- Thanks, Mom.
Helen- Now lets go downstairs; you got to attend your own birthday party you know.
(Daria smiles)
(Scene changes to Beavis, Butt-Head, and Todd outside the Morgendorffer’s house.)
Todd- You ladies better be sure that they’re sexy chicks at this party, or else.
Butt-Head- There sure is, Todd. (Laughs)
Beavis- Lots of chicks. (Laughs)
(Todd rings the doorbell, and Quinn is the one that opens the door.)
Quinn- Can I help you?
Butt-Head- We’re here for Daria’s party. (Laughs)
Quinn- Who’s the hunk? (Looking at Todd.)
Beavis- This is Todd, and we’re going to be in his gang.
(Butt-Head smacks Beavis.)
Butt-Head- Uh, ignore Beavis, he’s just a dumb ass. (Laughs)
Quinn- Come on in, and bring your friend in with you.
(Beavis, Butt-Head, and Todd go inside. Todd looks at the party guest to that they’re just some of Daria’s friends, and no sexy chicks.)
Todd- What the hell is this! I thought you two jerks said that they’re were gonna be some babes at this party!
Butt-Head- Daria must have tricked us.
Beavis- Where are the chicks, Butt-Head?
(Daria, Stewart, and Cassandra walk up to them.)
Daria- What the hell is he doing here? (Looking at Todd.) I thought I told you idiots that I didn’t want Todd at my party.
Todd- This party sucks anyway. I think I’ll have my own party and invite my friends and their chicks to come over to my house.
Beavis- Does this mean that we’re in you gang now?
Todd- You morons tricked me into going to this nerdy party, so you two are getting an ass whipping.
(Todd grabs Beavis and Butt-Head by their necks, and goes outside. All we hear is the sounds of Todd beating the tar out of them.)
Helen- What is that noise from outside?
Daria- Just somebody beating the crap out of two stupid boys who want to crash my party.
(Beavis and Butt-Head enter with marks where Todd punched them, and their shirts torn.)
Butt-Head- Sorry about that, Daria. (Laughs)
Beavis- (Laughs) I’m sorry too. (Laughs)
Daria- Serves you dummies right for bringing Todd over.
(Helen enters and stares at Beavis and Butt-Head.)
Helen- It’s them!
Daria- Who, Mom?
Helen- Those are the idiots who insulted me at Burger World!
Butt-Head- Uh, lets get out of here, Beavis. (Laughs)
Beavis- I’m with you, Butt-Head. (Laughs)
(The two idiots leave as Helen begins to go after them.)
(Scene changes back to present day.)
Daria- And that’s what happened.
Quinn- That was a lame story. If it had some supermodels in it, it would be a better story.
(Daria looks at Helen and Jake who have fallen asleep.)
Daria- Glad you liked it.
(Daria goes up to her room to call Jane on the phone.)
Jane- (On phone) So you’re planing to go to the concert?
Daria- I’ve changed my mind.
Jane- You’re going to the sci-fi convention?
Daria- No. I’m staying home.
Jane- Why?
Daria- (Smiling) Let’s just say that my parents needs somebody to keep an eye on them when they fall asleep on my stories.
THE END