FAVORITE QUOTES



PILOT


PETE: "We can't all be philosophy majors."
BERG: "It's not my fault a bunch of guys in sandals did my homework for me 4,000 years ago."

BERG: "Who poured you a double mocha of grumpy this morning?"

PETE: "But you don't have asthma."
BERG: "Don't need it!"

TWO GUYS, A GIRL, AND A PRESENTATION


PETE: "Most architects when they graduate, they only have a bunch of blueprints. I am going to have a 12,000 square foot resume."
BERG: "Man, you're gonna need one hell of a manila envelope."

PETE: "Dr. Bergen to table 4, stat."
BERG: "Dammit Pete, I'm a doctor...not a waiter."

TWO GUYS, A GIRL, AND A GUY


BERG: "Sharon hasn't been around all week, so I couldn't score stamps."
PETE: "Oh. Oh, well, listen...I'll give you the name of her connection. The post office!"

BERG:(reffering to the talking sneakers) "Aw, Pete can I keep them? I swear I'll take care of them."
PETE: "Lord, give me strength."

MELISSA (to SHARON): "I remember the first night Pete and I made love. You screamed, "Knock it off down there, Pete, or I'll shoot your whore!" It made me curious about you."

TWO GUYS, A GIRL, AND A CELTIC GAME


PETE: "'Cause we're playing the Bulls!
BERG: "The Celtics are playing the Bulls. You...didn't make the team."

SHARON: "Who asked you to steal my hairdryer?"
BERG: "Who asked you to take it back?"
SHARON: "I washed my hair!"

TWO GUYS, A GIRL, AND AN APARTMENT


BERG: "How can you medical people go around playing fast and loose with something like estrogen? Well, I'm sorry I lied, but you gotta help me. I'm in a bad way. I'm taping Guiding Light, man."

BERG: "Look, Melissa, when this apartment came open, I thought of it as a real opportunity for me to meet someone. Now, this has nothing to do with not wanting you in the building, but... but... these oven mitts have gotta go. I mean, little udders... really. A good mitt should be more functional than decorative. I mean, when people ask me, "Who is Melissa?" I don't want to have to say, "She's the girl with the cow oven mitts." You don't look to oven mitts to make that kind of statement and quite frankly, who'd want to... Damn! I promised myself I wouldn't cry."

BERG: "You know Pete, nothing says 'I love you' like a pathetic lack of commitment."

SHARON: "I'm leaning towards Max Larson."
BERG: "No way! He lives with his mother and drives a van with no windows."
SHARON: "So! He likes his privacy."
BERG: "Because he's a serial killer!"

TWO GUYS, A GIRL, AND A SOFTBALL TEAM"


BERG: "I have a dream. A dream...where women are free to roam all fields, not just right, but center... left...and yes... even shortstop."
SHARON: "Even pitcher?"
BERG: "Sorry, kitten, that's man's work."

TWO GUYS, A GIRL, AND A RECOVERY


PETE: "Bill, Mr. Bauer still doesn't like the pizza."
BILL: "Hey, Bauer, what's wrong with my pizza?"
BAUER: "Bill, I'm afraid...Grease is the word."


BERG: "You know what they should do? Make bigger charts. That way, you could write bigger."

BERG: "Whoa! Big brain."

BERG: "That's perfect..."
SHARON: "Not really, ya see 'cuz even after they take the stitches out it's a whole week before you can walk again."

SHARON: "What is so major that you are willing to risk the ladle?"

TWO GUYS, A GIRL, AND A PARTY


BETHANY: "I wouldn't miss it for anything."
BERG: "Well, what if both of your legs were caught in a bear trap and... You had a cold?"
BETHANY: I'd chew myself free and take a decongestant."
BERG: "I love a girl with a plan."

MELISSA: "Oh, my god! You're 30 years old and you're dying!"

MELISSA: "Coffee? We don't need coffee! We're Jell-O Sisters!!"

BERG: "I like you."
BETHANY: "I like you too."
BERG: "No, I mean I like you like you or love you like you or I'd like to love you."

PETE: "...because she doesn't fall at your feet?"
BERG: "And what is up with that?"

TWO GUYS, A GIRL, AND A CHANCE ENCOUNTER


PETE: "I can't just jump into spontanaeity."

BERG: "Hi, My name is Berg, and I'm addicted to messing with Pete."

PETE: "You're jealous, but, listen buddy, I'm always gonna be Pete, you're always gonna be Berg, and we're always gonna be Pete-n-Berg."
BERG: (smiles, pauses) "Shut up! You've gotta believe me! Molly's like......girlfriend of the corn!"

TWO GUYS, A GIRL, AND A PIZZA DELIVERY


BERG: "Oh, and Melissa,"
MELISSA: What's that Berg?"
BERG: "Boogie oogie oogie until you just can't boogie no more".

TWO GUYS, A GIRL, AND HOW THEY MET


BERG: These Milli Vanilli guys are awesome. It's like their music sounds so effortless. You know? It's like they're not even singing."

BERG: Attention! Pete Dunville takes the rules and spits on them!
PETE: Well, Mike Bergen takes the rules, spits on 'em... more!

PETE (referring to BERG): It's genetic. His grandfather on his mother's side is 3/4 obnoxious.


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oddkid@juno.com


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