Heart of the Matter

Backstage at The Letterman Show was chaos - there were people running everywhere, talking, laughing, shouting. Ian smiled to himself as he made his way back to his dressing room. In a lot of ways, he was reminded of the scene at lunchtime at the School of the Arts - there was an energy around here, a passion about what people were doing, as well as an air of general craziness.

As he neared his dressing room, he heard the familiar sounds of a cell phone ringing. Quickening his pace confirmed what he suspected - it was his own phone he could hear. Bursting through the door, he launched himself at the table and grabbed the phone just before it went into message mode. Mentally, he cursed whoever was calling. Who called just after you went off the air on Letterman anyway?

"Hello?" he said, and got no reply. "Hello?" he tried again. When there was still no reply, he continued, "Is anybody there?"

Just as he was about to hang up in disgust, he heard a voice at the other end say, "Ian?"

"Yeah?" He was pretty sure he knew who the other person was, but he wanted to be absolutely certain. How many times had he answered this phone, hoping that it would be her at the other end, only to be disappointed?

"Ian, it's me. Reggie."

His heart lifted as he dropped into his chair, a big grin on his face. "How are you Reg? I've been 'opin' you'd call."

"Well, I thought about it. A few times."

"So why now?" Ian had a very good idea why, but again, he decided to play it cool.

"Well, I saw you on Letterman..."

Ian didn't need to see her to know that she was blushing. He'd wondered if she'd look at the show, if she'd remember the time he'd sung that song to her first. It was one of the reasons he'd chosen that song, to let her know that he still thought about her - that he hadn't stopped thinking about her since he met her again on Christmas Eve.

"Did you like it?" he said simply.

"It's a beautiful song Ian."

All at once, Ian was transported back in time to the night he first played that song for her - the night they had kissed properly for the first time.

Snapping back to reality, he just said, "I know. Why shouldn't it be?" There was no response at the other end of the line. Interpreting her silence as embarrassment, Ian spoke again. "So, 'ow've you been Reggie?"

"OK" The tone of Reggie's voice made it clear that she'd been anything but.

Ian frowned. "You ok Reg?" Again, there was no response. "I can't hear you if you nod," he prodded her gently.

When Reggie spoke again, it was with a tone in her voice that Ian knew instantly. She was crying. "Things haven't been so good here," she admitted finally.

"With whatshisname?"

"Yeah."

When she didn't elaborate further, Ian took matters into his own hands. "Where are you Reg?"

"At home."

"Come up to the city."

"Right now?" The sheer audacity of Ian's suggestion shocked Reggie into speaking clearly. "Ian, it's nearly midnight."

"By the time you get here, we'll all be back at the hotel. I can meet you in the lobby. It's the Sheraton, you know where it is."

"Ian, I can't just drive into the city in the middle of the night," Reggie protested, knowing full well that nothing was stopping her.

"What's stopping you?"

"It's crazy!"

Ian was silent for a moment. "The Reggie Higgins I know wouldn't have let crazy stop her."

"I'm not the Reggie Higgins you used to know anymore." The sadness in Reggie's voice was obvious.

"Maybe we should go about getting her back then." Ian's voice was quiet, his logic flawless.

Reggie couldn't argue with him. So she didn't.

"I'm on my way," was all she said.

When Reggie got to the hotel, Ian was sitting in the lobby waiting for her. He stood up when he saw her, and pulled her straight into a hug. He held her for a long time, sensing her reluctance to move away. When she eventually let him go, he looked into her eyes. He had always been able to read Reggie's eyes. He could tell from them if she was scared, or upset, or angry. He'd never seen them like they were now though. There was a haunted, shattered look in them, as if someone had really hurt her. He noticed a hint of that at Christmas, but that paled into comparison to now.

Ian had never minced words with Reggie, and saw no need to start now. "Oh Reg," he said, hugging her again. "Who did this to you?"

He said it so quietly that Reggie could barely hear him. But his words and the emotion in his voice shattered the walls that Reggie had put up around her, and the hug did her in totally. It had been so long since someone - anyone- had held her like this, and cared for her. A tear found it's way down her cheek, and before she knew it, she was sobbing in Ian's embrace.

Ian let her cry for a little while, and when he felt her sobs subside, he led her into the ballroom of the hotel. Most of his band were there, chatting or jamming on the instruments on the stage, but Ian assured Reggie that they wouldn't be bothered. Sure enough, after a wave to the stage, and a brief round of introductions from across the room, Ian and Reggie sat down at the far end of the room, and no-one came near them.

Ian pulled a chair round, and sat facing Reggie. He was still holding her hands, and was shocked at how cold they were. "Reggie...." his voice trailed off, unsure of where to begin.

Reggie saved him the problem. "I've wanted to call you so many times since Christmas Ian," she told him. "But there was so much I wanted to tell you, so much I had to say...I never knew where to begin. But seeing you on that show tonight...."

"I hoped you'd be watching," Ian told her. "I wanted to call you too, but..."

"John and I are separated," Reggie broke in. "He's been seeing someone else for over a year. That's why he was "working late" so much."

"I'm sorry."

"He kept on picking on me...no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough for him. I reinvented myself for him....I wanted so badly to be a good wife. But I was never good enough for him."

"No," Ian's voice was firm. "You can't think like that. You were too good for him Reggie."

"His family didn't think so. They disapproved of me from the beginning. His mother told him the morning of our wedding that I got pregnant on purpose to force him into marrying me - a step up in the world was how she put it." She shook her head. "John never wanted to marry me. He only did it because of the baby. When I lost it...."

Ian squeezed her hands again, knowing the pain that must have caused her. He didn't say anything though, knowing that talking was the best thing that Reggie could do right now.

"....When I lost it," Reggie repeated, "He didn't even stay at the hospital. He went out and got drunk with his friends. And that was how it stayed, until he started "working late" Not much of a marriage."

"You were too good for him Reggie."

Reggie shook her head. "I just kept my head down...started teaching, doing anything to keep my mind off things. I never knew how lonely I was...until last Christmas Eve." She smiled finally then. "When I saw you there, I didn't want to believe it was you. I'd missed you so much...."

"I felt the same way," Ian admitted. "No matter what I did when I was on the road, I never stopped thinking about you. Never stopped missing you. That was part of my problem. I didn't know what I had until it was gone." He sighed. "When I heard you were married...."

"It was the worst mistake of my life," Reggie admitted. "I'm trying to figure out how to get my life back, and I haven't a clue how to do it."

"I know how that feels," Ian smiled too, savouring the new closeness between the two of them.

After a brief silence, Reggie spoke. "Did you mean it?"

Ian was puzzled. "Mean what?"

"What you said on Letterman. That you still miss me. And that I was the love of your life."

"Did I say that?"

"Yes. Did you mean it?"

Ian looked in her eyes, and was seventeen again. "I meant every word Reggie," he said seriously. "I meant it when I wrote that song, I meant it when I sang it tonight, and I'll go on meaning it for the rest of my life. I still love you Reggie. I always have." To his shock, he saw Reggie was crying again. "Are you ok?"

"I'm fine...I'm just happy."

"You are?"

"Oh Ian. I love you too." Leaning forward, Reggie kissed him.

When she pulled away, they looked into each other's eyes. That's when they heard the whistling and catcalls from the band on the stage.

"I thought you were finished with all that Ian," one of them called as they looked up.

"So much for turning over a new leaf," another added in.

The others were all making similar comments, but the one woman on the stage was silent. That seemed to draw Ian's attention to her. "Ain't you gonna say something Jess?"

Jess looked at the two of them for a moment. "I take it this is the famous Reggie?" she asked finally. When Ian nodded, she smiled at Reggie. "It's nice to finally meet you. God knows, I've heard enough about you!"

"Really?"

"Really. So loverboy, are you going to sit there all night kissing the woman..."

"Sounds good," Ian interjected.

".......Or are you going to play her your latest song?"

Reggie looked at Ian, Ian looked at Jess, the rest of the band looked anywhere else.

"You know...the latest song about you two?" Jess wasn't letting him off the hook.

Ian looked from Reggie to Jess and back again. When Reggie raised her eyebrows at him, he led her to the stage, where he sat down at the piano.

"I think Jess has taken care of all the introductions..." he said, and Jess took a mock bow as he began to play.

I got the call today I didn't want to hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talking on the phone
He said you'd found someone

Reggie fought back tears as she heard the lyrics, and realised that this really was their song, hers and Ians. She knew that somehow, somewhere, he would have heard that she was engaged, or married. She knew that one of their mutual friends would have spilled the beans. Just as she knew that Ian wasn't living the life of a monk on tour. She knew all about the women, she'd read all the tabloid kiss-and-tell stories, and had seen pictures of him and Jess. She had always thought that she'd be jealous of the "other woman", but meeting her like this, it was easy to see what Ian had seen in her. Reggie was even beginning to think that they could be friends.

And I thought of all the bad luck
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you

She sighed at that. It was bad luck that had kept them apart for so long. They could each have done things differently, she knew that now. Reggie knew now that she loved Ian, had always loved Ian. But they had been so young back then, and hadn't known how to handle it. They could've stayed together, worked on a long distance relationship. But instead, they'd split up. No matter how amicably it had been done, they had each lost something precious that neither knew existed, and didn't miss until it was gone. To make up for it, Reggie had run away to an acting tour, into the arms and bed of another man, who, she knew now, wasn't half the man Ian was. Once a strong independent woman, she'd become trapped in her suburban home. Meanwhile Ian had run off to be a rock star, and without Reggie to anchor him, he'd drifted from drink to drugs to near oblivion. In losing each other, they'd lost the best part of themselves. Reggie marvelled at the coincidence that had let them meet up at the grocery store that Christmas Eve.

What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more

This was another line about the two of them. Both of them had every right to be content in their lives. On the surface, they had all they could wish for. Ian had conquered his demons, and his new album had gone platinum. Meanwhile Reggie had a comfortable life teaching, and until recently, she had a seemingly happy marriage, to a man who seemingly adored her. And even with the nasty break-up, she still had a lot of things going for her. Yet neither she nor Ian were happy. And neither would be - not without the other.

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew I'm learning again
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if even if you don't love me anymore.

Both of them had tried to live without the other. They'd moved to different places, been with different people, yet it hadn't been right for either of them. No matter what they did, no matter what they learned, it wasn't right when the other person wasn't there to share it with them. Deep down inside, they both had always known that, but every new achievement just seemed to underline the basic fact that it wasn't enough. Every time Ian sang a song, it wasn't the same, because Reggie wasn't there. And nothing in Reggie's life had the same colour without Ian. They had missed each other. They needed each other.

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?

Reggie felt as if she could have written that line herself. Her marriage had been an unmitigated disaster, but now that it was over and she was free, she didn't know what to do. And she knew that Ian must be feeling the same. In spite of his comeback and his success, she knew him well enough to know that he wasn't going to take anything for granted, especially since he'd had it all once before and had lost it in such spectacular fashion. And then there was the deepest fear of all - even though she and Ian loved each other so much, needed each other so much, what happened if it didn't work out? How was she ever going to survive without him again if that happened?

The trust and self assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill I guess

She smiled as she realised that even there, Ian had anticipated her feelings. Both of them were sufficently fragile, had been burned badly enough that it was going to take them a while to totally trust what they had together. Even though they knew in their hearts that it was absolutely right.

Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I've put between us doesn't keep me warm

Reggie had been proud for long enough, not contacting Ian until tonight. Sitting here now, she couldn't imagine why it had taken her so long. She knew the truth as Ian did, that no matter how much work they took on, no matter how hard they tried to block things out, it was never going to work. Work was no substitute for the love of a lifetime.

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I'd figured out I have to learn again
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if even if you don't love me anymore.
There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride

Reggie thought about John and his family, and all the people who had pretended to be friends to her when she first married him. Once John had left, she had quickly found out that she had no-one to turn to. She knew that they didn't know how much that had hurt her, and that they cared even less. Ian meanwhile, thought about all the false friends, and the hangers-on that fame had attracted. Once he had hit bottom, he had discovered, just as Reggie had, how few people he could count on.

Better put it all behind you
Life goes on
You keep carrying that anger
It'll eat you up inside

Ian met her gaze and smiled as he sang those lines. Reggie smiled back, knowing that instead of being buried by the past, together, the two of them had found a much brighter future to look forward to. There was no place there for anger or bitterness - only for love.

I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if even if you don't love me
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinking about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if even if you don't love me anymore.

When Ian was finished, he and Reggie just sat and stared at each other. No words were exchanged, but the looks they exchanged spoke volumes.

Reggie broke the silence, speaking as if no-one else was in the room. "So where do we go from here?"

Ian answered the same way. "I don't know. But whatever we do, we do it together."

Never one to stay silent, Jess spoke up. "Why don't you come with us?"

"Pardon?" Reggie and Ian said at the same time.

"We leave New York in two days," Jess said in her most business-like tone. "We've got six solid months of touring across the States planned, and Canada and Europe are in the works for straight after. If you two want to see each other at all, Ian's either going to have to give up the tour, or Reggie's gonna have to come with us. And since I'd kill Ian if he even thought about giving up the tour...."

"Stand in line," one of the lads commanded.

"....Reggie coming with us is the only option." Jess didn't miss a beat.

"What would I do?" Reggie was trying on the idea for size, and quite liked it.

"You went to the School of the Arts dearie!" Jess reminded her. "You can sing, play on some of the songs....it'd be nice to have another woman to keep these lads in line too. Especially that one." She nodded towards Ian. "I've had my hands full for too long! And if that doesn't work out, I don't know, you can become a roadie, you can do PR for us, we'll fit you in somewhere." She paused. "Two people as much in love as you guys are shouldn't be apart."

Normally, Ian would have jumped on the chance to tease the no-nonsense Jess about that comment. This time, he just looked at Reggie. "She does have a point."

Reggie looked at him, then at the rest of the band. "OK."

"OK? You mean you'll come?" Ian couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Yes!" crowed Jess. The rest of the band clapped as Ian threw his arms around Reggie and kissed her.

"You really want to do this?" Ian asked Reggie quietly, so that only she could hear. "You're sure?"

"For the first time in a long time," Reggie told him. "I'm not going to lose you a second time Ian. I can't."

"I love you Reggie."

"I love you too."

Jess ushered the rest of the band out to give Ian and Reggie some time alone. As she looked back at them kissing, she shook her head and smiled. "About time Ian," she murmured to herself.

Ian and Reggie stayed there, talking and kissing and making plans. When they finally left, Reggie looked out one of the windows in surprise. "Look - the sun's coming up. It's a brand new day."

"It's a brand new life Reggie," Ian's arms tightened around her. "Our brand new life."

Reggie smiled as they walked arm in arm to the elevator, truly happy at last. She knew that Ian was feeling the same way. Now that they were together, there was nothing to stop them. The future was as bright as the summer sun shining down on them.

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