Alone Again

Y’know, when I first came here, I didn’t know anything about relating to other people. My life was music. But everyone at this crazy school, y’know, the teachers and the other students demanded that I stop hiding behind my synthesisers and start dealing with them on a one-to-one basis. Well, this was fairly difficult at first, but once I started to open up…..I went nuts. For the first time in my life, I had friends. The most amazing thing out of all this is that the more I came out of my shell, the more I grew as a musician.

It was when I was leaving the music room that I saw you for the first time. Of course, it wasn't really the first time I'd seen you....I'd caught a glimpse of a photo once. But this was the first time I'd seen you in person. One of the girls who did the video, the spiky haired one, called you and you turned around and came over.

"Have you guys met?" the girl, Reggie her name was, asked. "Bruno Martelli, this is Jesse Velasquez."

"Hey man," you said. "I've heard a lot about you. Nice to meet you."

"You too," I managed, shaking the hand you offered me. I'd been hoping to avoid this for the past few months. I wasn't even going to come to the stupid reunion. Danny and Doris ganged up on me. I'd actually done a pretty decent job of avoiding you....I guess my luck had to run out sometime. But this was worse than I imagined - actually seeing you face to face was torture. Mercifully, Mr Shorofsky came up to me then to see me about the music for the reunion party. I was never so grateful to see him, and allowed him to pull me away from you.

She told me all about you, you know. I know enough about Jesse Velasquez to know we have a lot in common.

Not that you'd ever suspect it.

After all, what would an outgoing, handsome, popular Latino have in common with a shy, somewhat geeky Italian-American? But we did have some things in common.

We both loved our families.

Loved this school.

Loved the people.

Loved the same woman.

When Nicole - I never called her short, knowing you often did - and I were together, we talked about everything. Small talk, talk about families, childhoods, dreams, friends, music - but a lot of the time, we talked about you.

We loved each other. I know that.

But when we met, she was your woman.

And she did love you.

As hard as that is for me to admit, I know it's true.

But...how did she put it to me once? You were her first love. I was her forever love.

That should have been enough to make me happy. And it did. But I was still jealous of what you two had. First love's a powerful thing - I still smile when I think of Kathy Murphy. And you got to see her every day. I had to be content with a few nights a week, snatched phone calls - and eventually, long distance letters and phone calls.

And then when we were finally going to be together, it was too late.

And you were here.

I wasn't.

I knew you wanted her back. Of course you did. How could anybody not want her?

And I was so scared that she'd forget me, although, deep down, I knew she wouldn't. I wish I'd trusted her more - trusted us more. Enjoyed us more.

It's hard being back here - harder than I thought. I remember stuff she told me, and I can feel her here. Almost see her here.

And she is here. In people's hearts. In their memories.

I've heard so many Nicole stories in the past few days. People telling each other how much they loved her. How much they miss her.

But I can't join in.

They never knew I knew her.

Never knew I loved her.

And they never will.

If she were here, it'd be different. So different. But she never told anyone about us. And she wanted to tell you herself, once things settled down. I respected that. I still do.

So I keep my grief to myself, even as others share theirs. I don't have the right to grieve with them, although I probably have more right than anybody. I remember when I started at this school - alone in the crowd with a song. This place pulled me out of myself, made me open up, gave me friends.

And now......

Now I'm alone again.

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