Lessons The Simpsons has taught us...

Weaseling out of things is important to learn.  It's what separates us from the animals!.....except the weasel.

Don't do what Donny Don't does.

Well, I guess now we know why they call them "rapids" and not "slowpids," huh?

Only Duff fills your "Q Zone" with pure beer goodness.

We'll answer the question that's been plaguing scientists for ages:  Can hamsters fly planes?

The most rewarding part was when he gave me my money.

If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's going to happen to us!

If the Bible has taught us nothing else--and it hasn't--it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such.

Old people are no good at everything.

Trying is the first step toward failure.

When the fire starts to burn, there's a lesson you must learn.  Something something, then you'll see:  You'll avoid catastrophe!...D'oh!

The Lord is vengeful!

Life's too short for fire safety--let's go pick wildflowers!

Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably.  The lesson is:  never try.

Can't win, don't try.

No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.

Hello, I'm Leonard Nimoy.  The following tale of alien encounters is true.  And by true, I mean false.  It's all lies.  But they're entertaining lies.  And in the end, isn't that the real truth?  The answer, is "no."

That's impossible.  No one can give more than one hundred percent.  By definition that is the most anyone can give.

If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.

Once something has been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.

Thieves could come in through the chimney, the mail slot, or even hide in your groceries.

A gun is
not a weapon Marge, it's a tool.  Like a bandsaw or a steam iron, or an....alligator.

It has come to my attention that NBC sucks.

Three little sentences that will get you through life--Number 1:  Cover for me.  Number 2:  Oh, great idea boss!  Number 3:  It was like that when I got here.

You know what you two need?  A little comic strip called "Love Is...."  It's about two naked eight-year-old's who are married.

Once something has been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.

Elementary chaos tells us that all robots will eventually turn against their masters and run amok in an orgy of blood and kicking and the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and the shoving.

When you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get.

To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

If you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. 
That's the American way.

It takes two to lie: one to lie, and one to listen.

A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets, and why He lives on a plantation in Hawaii.

If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!

But somewhere out there, something is watching us. There are alien forces out there acting in ways we can't perceive. Are we alone in the universe? Impossible, when you consider the wonders that exist all around us: voodoo priests of Haiti, the Tibetan numerologists of Appalacia, the unsolved mysteries of....Unsolved Mysteries. The truth is out there.

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