Four Gents

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in

the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while

walking to the first tee.

"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding

industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and

construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able

to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a

car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in

fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a

gift."

The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And in

the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a

gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have

been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he

replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just

recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side,

he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have

given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock

certificates."

Baked Beans

Once upon a time, I had a maddening passion for baked beans. I loved them,but they always had a very embarrassing and somewhat odious reaction on me.Then one day I met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent we wouldmarry, I thought to myself, she is such a sweet girl, she will never go forthis kind of carrying on. So I made the supreme sacrifice and gave upbeans. We were married shortly thereafter.Some months later, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since welived in the country, I called my wife and told her I would be late becauseI had to walk home. On my way home, I passed a small cafe' and the odor offreshly baked beans was overwhelming, I had several miles to walk so Ifigured that the effects of the beans would wear off before I got home. SoI stopped at the cafe' and had three orders of baked beans.All the way home I putt-putted and after arriving, felt reasonably safethat I had putted my last putt. My wife seemed somewhat excited to see meand exclaimed delightedly. "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise fordinner tonight." Then she blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the headof the table. I seated myself and just as she was ready to remove theblindfold, phone rang. She told me not to remove the blindfold until shereturned, then went to answer the phone. I seized the opportunity, shiftedmy weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but as ripe as arotten egg. I took the napkin and fanned vigorously the air about me.Things had just returned to normal when I felt another urge coming on me,so I shifted my weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a trueprize winner. While keeping my ear on the conversation in the hall, I wenton like this for almost ten minutes until I knew the farewell meant the endof my loneliness and freedom. I placed the napkin on my lap and folded myhands on top of it and smiled contentedly to myself. I was the picture ofinnocence. When my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long, she askedif I had removed the blindfold. When convinced that I hadn't removed theblindfold, she removed the blindfold, and there sitting around the diningroom table were twelve dinner guests for my suprise birthday dinner.

(I have nothing againest southerners)

How 2 Talk Southern

Ah

The thing you see with, and the personal pronoun used denoting

individuality. "Ah think Ah've got somethin' in mah ah."

Ast

To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks information

about illegal moonshine stills. "Don't ast me so many question. I

makes me mad."

Attair

Contradiction used to indicate the specific item desire. "Pass me

attair gravy, please"

Awl

An amber fluid used to lubricate engines. "Ah like attair car, but it

sure does take a lot of awl."

Bawl

What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit. "That gal cain't even bawl

water without burnin' it."

Bleeve

Expression of intent or faith. "Ah bleeve we ought to go to church

this Sunday."

Cent

Plural of cent. "You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn't

give fiddy cent for it."

Co-cola

The soft drink that started in Atlanta and conquered the world. "Ah

hear they even sell Co-cola in Russia."

Cyst

To render aid. "Can Ah cyst you with those packages, ma'am."

Dayum

A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind." "Frankly, my

dear, I don't give a dayum."

Everwhichways

To be scattered in all directions. "You should have been there when

the train hit attair chicken truck. Them chickens flew everwhichways.

Far

A state of combustion that produces heat and light. "Ah reckon it's

about time to put out the far and call in the dawgs."

Flares

The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant. "If yo wife's mad at ya,

it's smart to take her some flares."

Good ole boy

Any Southern male between age 16 and 60 who has an amiable disposition

and is fond of boon companions, strong drink, hound dawgs, fishin',

huntin', and good lookin' women, but not necessarily in that order.

"Bubba's a good ole boy."

Griyuts

What no Southern breakfast would be without - grits. "Ah like griyuts

with butter and sawt on'em, but Ah purely love'em with red-eye gravy."

Hale

Where General Sherman is going for what he did to Etlanna. (Atlanta)

"General Sherman said "War is Hale" and he made sure it was."

Hep

To aid or benefit. "Ah can't hep it if Ah'm still in love with you."

Idinit

Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain't. "Mighty

hot today, idinit?"

Jew

Did you. "Jew want to buy attair comic book, son, or just stand there

and read it here?"

Kumpny

Guests. "Be home on time. We's havin' kumpny for supper."

Law

Police, or as Southerners pronounce it, PO-leece. "We better get outta

here. That bartender's doen called the law."

Likker

Whiskey; either the amber kind bought in stores or the homemade white

kind that federal authorities frown upon. "Does he drink? Listen, he

spills more likker than most people drink.'

Mash

To press, as in the case of an elevator button. "Want me to mash yo

floor for you, Ma'am?"

Muchablige

Thank you. "Muchablige for the lift, mister."

Nawthun

Anything that is not Southern. "He is a classic product of the

superior Nawthun educational system." (sarcasm)

Ovair

In that direction. 'Where's yo paw, son?" He's ovair, suh."

Phraisin

Very cold. "Shut that door. It's phraisin in here."

Plum

Completely. "Ah'm plum wore out."

Retch

To grasp for. "The right feilder retch over into the stands and caught

the ball."

Saar

The opposite of sweet. "These pickles Sure are saar."

Shovelay

A GM car. "Nobody could drive a Shovelay like Junior Johnson."

Sinner

Exact middle of. "Have you been to the new shoppin' sinner."

Sugar

A kiss. "Come here and give me some sugar."

Tarred

Fatigued. "Ah'm too tarred to go bowlin' nonight."

Tar Arns

A tool employed in changing wheels. "You cain't change a tar without a

tar arn."

Uhmurkin

Someone who lives int he United States of Uhmurka. "Thomas Jefferson

was a great Uhmurkin."

War

Metal strands attached to posts to enclose domestic animals. "Be

careful and don't get stuck on that bob war."

Whup

To beat or to strike. "OOOEEE!!! Yer mama's gonna whup you fer sayin'

a cuss word."

Yankee shot

A Southern child's navel. "Momma, what's this on mah belly?" "That's

yo Yankee Shot."

Zat

Is that. "Zat yo dawg?"