oh, I just keep thinking how much my life fucking sucks ass. What do I have to look forward to besides more disappointment, heartache, and depression? That all my life seems to be lately. ::sighs:: I'm so depressed right now, and the fact that I'm pretty damn tired at the moment isn't helping me any. My Dr. Pepper stash is slowly depleating. Meaning soon I will have to bug my mom to go to the store, b/c my broke ass has no money, and have lisence. I think I'm scared to get my lisence. I hear so many bad things. I think this is also my way of staying a little girl and not growing up. I like being a kid with no worries or problems. Yet they keep pushing me to grow up! I don't want to!!! I wanna sit on my ass the rest of my life and do nothing. I don't think I can do that though... ;( That sux. Could be why I wanna be an actress. Maybe I can make enough money to retire and just like sit there and do nothing. My sleep deprevation is taking over... I can barely move. When I actually try I can, but that requires effort which I am not willing to give. I've realized why I want a guy to take care of me... I want someone there to be my safety net in case I fall. My Dad as always treated me like a little girl, with so many rules to follow. And itz scary that I want that in a relationship. It is what I always hated about my father. I felt like he was so controlling. But I want someone to hold me to them, tell me how much they love me, and make me forget all my problems. I'm looking for escape from everything. Just get lost in love and passion. The one bad thing about escaping like that is heartbreak. It always happens to me, even if I'm the one that left. I guess I try to justify it by saying they did something to me, some did, most didn't. Most of them didn't deserve me leaving them. I always found someone better... yet lately itz been the other way around. I guess what goes around comes around right? The last two guys dumped my sorry ass. The first one hurt more than the last. I don't think I'm still over the first one. He was my first love, and the guy I gave every part of me to. He used it and then threw that away b/c he found something better 45 minutes away. Not another girl mind you, but a better place to live, or so he thought. Then a month later he comes back. I will never take him back, he hurt me too much. I'm still not over it unfortunately. God I wish I was. I wish he didn't hurt me, I wish I never loved him. who knows if I really loved him or not. I'm not really sure anymore. I was willing to be engaged to him and after I said that it wasn't true anymore. I let my feelings out, and made them go away so they wouldn't bite me in the ass, yet they still somehow end up just confucking me. I saw him the other day, man he looked like shit. He was so fake, it scared me. How could I date someone like that? How could I supposedly love some like THAT?!?! ME! Lynne! The one who HATES fake people with a passion. I guess my only explanation was that I didn't know him well enough b4hand. I didn't find out til after we were together that he used to be everything under the sun. And now he was a goth, kinda. A fake one. One that tried to be something he wasn't. (I know I should c&p this to my "Why Love is A Useless Emotion" essay, but I'm too lazy) What kinda scares me is that I actually let him touch me. ::shudders:: I let him know me, I let him into my heart. And then he figuratively bends me over a table and fucks me up the ass! Growly. I kick myself for being so fucking stupid. For letting my god damn defenses down, and letting myself get blindly hurt. It is times like these when I either wanna kill myself, or get rid of my heart.

~Lynne