11/12/98
christ...what the hell am i doing? i work, i eat and logon, i sleep. i get up the next day and i do it all over again. sometimes i go out with this person or that. such inane trivialities. i feel like there's no substance in my life. when was the last time i smiled?
lonliness induces odd feelings. i don't think i've been truly lonely before now, and i think it's because of jesse. i never see him anymore, and the few times i do it feels like he's just wasting time with me until he hangs out with his gf again. i'm sure that's not how he feels but it's how i feel
boredom is quite dangerous. the more free time you have the more time you have to think. i really want my computer, to just play starcraft. it's odd how i find myself floating from one form of escapism to another. first talkers, then the mud, i'm moving on to computer games now.
i miss my car. why did the fucking thing have to die? i feel so isolated and helpless, stuck in my apartment with no reliable way to get anywhere or do anything.
everything takes too damn long. i want brood wars to come out. i want the new nin album. i want all the things i wish could make me happy. i'm not one to normally be very anxious or anticipate anything, but this is getting bad
for some reason i keep thinking of all the times i cried for sarah...

11/24/98
i had a fucking horrible headache last night. the kind where you can feel your veins pounding through your head. it was so bad even my forehead had swollen up. i think i got it because i skipped lunch and break at work, so i worked for about 6 hours straight, not moving, just staring at my computer.
speaking of computer i finally put the money down on sunday to get mine. i'm so excited about it. this computer is going to kick fucking ass. i think i'm going to try and get my parents to buy me a nice monitor for christmas, the one i have kinda sucks.
i hate this feeling. i'm so lonely, but every time i touch anyone it's like the only thing i can think of is how it's just not sarah. i look at someone i like, and every time i think 'okay time to move on, see how things work with this person' i just can't do it. i fucking wish i could find sarah somehow. or i wish i could find someone like jocey again who was able to make me forget. i can't fucking handle this...why can't i get her out of my head

07/29/99
it's been a while since i've written anything. a lot has happened that pertains to what i wrote before. reading over it was an odd piece of nostalgia
i got my computer. beautiful machine. played starcraft for endless hours with jesse. but now that's losing its appeal. we've done all there is to do on it. and now just a few months after i got it my computer is becoming obsolete. that and the cd rom drive is having this bad habit of just not registering when a cd is put in. starting to piss me off
i found sarah... or rather she found me. just out of the blue one day a few months ago she emailed me. we talked, and it was like old times. we talked about the break up and what we were both going through. i still don't think she understand what she did to me. many times i wanted to just start screaming and drill it into her that she utterly destroyed my life, but i couldn't bring myself to do it. we lost touch for a bit and the last few days she's emailed me rather mad that i didn't get a hold of her. and again i just want to explode at her. what right does she have? she abandoned me... why should i be obligated to contact her? but again i just can't do it...
i lost my old job at teletech. went through 3 months of just sitting on my ass bumming rent money off my mom. then worked some crap job at a comic book wharehouse for a while. it wasn't bad, i made a lot of long distance calls from my office. talked to sarah. looked around at some other jobs and ended up being fired because i let my supervisor know i was looking at other jobs. the owner there is a fucking dick.
so now here i am again. not working, spending my days sleeping or logged on. i find it so hard to get up and go when it comes to job hunting. i just can't make myself take a crap job. my car still isn't fixed which doesn't help. but at least now i have jesse here to cover bills, he makes a lot of money
sarah is still infecting me... every day i am consumed by her. it's been almost three years and my entire existence is still focused around what we had. during the course of a HORRIBLE weekend i had just recently i think i came to a revalation regarding that. before i met her, there was a void inside me. not even an emptiness to be filled, simply a lack of anything. i was very emotionally shut down when i met her, very withdrawn. i had turned myself off because i couldn't deal with things. and when she came along she took what was nothing and made it whole. she filled me up in ways i never knew existed. now that she's gone an emptiness has taken over. and it's different now, before it was just nothing. a pure void that i could ignore, but now it's an emptiness that is slowly tearing me down from the inside out. it's killing me and i can't stop it. i've had so many little flings since we broke up. little sex affairs or attempts at a relationship, but none of it seems to ever matter to me. i look to the future of my life and i can't see anything but sarah. i wish for nothing more in the world then to be free of her...

8/18/99
it never ceases to amaze me how i continue to be able to shove my foot perpetually down my throat and yet still breathe. after reading my previous bit of ranting sarah got rather upset and the ensuing exchange of emails... well it's safe to say i exceed my own expectations for what an ass i can make of myself. my complete inability to be anything beyond a babbling idiot when it comes to her astounds me. i am coming to fully realize the full implication of 'love makes you stupid' but i never figured it would be in this context. makes me wish there was a nice easy way for me to just explain to her how i feel, to let her know what's going through my head. but any time i try, i get too emotionally involved in what i'm saying and it comes out all wrong. for all my vaunted writing talents i can't even do something so simple as carry on a conversation and express my feelings to someone i used to be so open with it scared me. but that seems to be the crux of my life right now. everything falls apart and the pieces sift down lower then i ever thought they could. i find myself floating, in recent weeks. like i've completely lost touch with reality. time has lost a lot of meaning. it's all just vacant empty nothing. i looked at my computer calendar for the date before writing this and was utterly astounded to see it's my sister's birthday this week. she's gonna be 13. that means in just over a month i'm going to be 20. where the fuck did my life go? i can still so distinctly remember better times, happier. so much easier. where did everything go...?
6/24/00
again, so long since i last wrote. looking back, i guess it's true what they say that the more things change the more they stay the same. my life has been turned upside down in the last 6 months. the gf i had since last july... it's fallen apart. i suppose it was never really together to begin with. she wants me to be someone... her idea of what a boyfriend should be. wants me to do little things, love notes. little surprises. dinner and dancing. she wants me to be something that i'm not. and someONE that i'm not. she expects me to become this image of perfection that she imagines a boyfriend should be, then hates me for not being it. she refuses to understand or even realize that i have so many problems of my own that i can't be her savior and cure all of hers.
lost the apartment a few months ago. it already seems like such a faded memory that i hardly even remember ever living there. 2 years i was there... and it's like suddenly two years of my life simply ceased to exist. the last i remember i was 18 and living with a room mate. now suddenly i'm back with my parents and i wonder if i was ever on my own at all. me and the gf sort of broke up, i suppose, a few weeks ago. things between us were crumbling when the apartment was lost, and since then she's been living back in her town 50 miles from where i am. she wants me to always drive out there, drive her back here, spend money on her and hang out for a few hours then drive her back home and come home myself, and i just can't do that. a line from a stabbing westward song fits it well... if i must be lonely, i think i'd rather be alone.
i hate it here so much, living with my dad. he seems so completely wrong to me. everything that he is strikes me as ugly and backward and i wish so much he would just drop dead. he wants me to pay rent for living here, which pisses me off. ever since my sister was born i never asked a thing of him, and he never gave me anything. i don't see why it's such a big deal that i'm using what was formerly a storage room to live in, especially when i'm not costing him anything
feeling so much more. feeling so empty. but i'm tired of writing now