courtesy of naomi bundy-fish-reznor
The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Did you hear that a man was found floating in the river with a banana stuck up his butt and a mouthfull of cornflakes ? They think it was a "cerial killer"
Bloopers from Church Bulletins
courtesy of nina, the princess of darkness
* Don't let worry kill you- let the church help.
* Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
* For those of you who have children and didn't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
* The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
* Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
* Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
* Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the pastor in his study.
* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
* Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
courtesy of jeff aka the freak
After a hard day at the office, three guys decide to go out for a
cocktail to wind down. The bar becomes very crowded, a few drinks turns into
many and soon everyone is tanked. All three lose track of each other and end
up going home separately.
The next day at the office, the three gather by the watercooler to
discuss the past evenings events. The first guy says, "I got so drunk last
night that I went home and blew chunks."
The second guy pipes in, "That's nothing. I got so drunk that I got
in my car and drove it right into a telephone pole. Totaled it. I didn't
get hurt but now I have no car."
The third guy says, "Well, I got so drunk that when I got home, I
cussed my girlfriend out and knocked over a candle which lit the apartment
on fire. She dumped me, all my belongings are destroyed and the home
insurance won't cover the damage."
The first guy motions the two to come closer and whispers, "I'm not
sure you understand. Chunks is my dog."
courtesy of some guy named joe from the korn list
this lady approaches a priest and says, "father, i have a problem".
"i have these two talking parrots, but, they only know how to say one
thing."
"what's that?" asked the priest.
"They only know how to say "hi were prostitutes, would you like to have some fun?""
"that's terrible" the priest exclaimed. "but i have a soloution." "bring your two female parrots and i'll put them in with my two male parrots who i have trained to read the bible and pray. My parrots will teach yours to stop saying that and will learn to praise and worship."
The next day the woman put her parrots in with the priests parrots.
"hi were prostitutes would you like to have some fun?" said the two
female parrots.
one male parrot looked at the other and said " Put the bible's down, our
prayers are answered!!!"
courtesy of kevin strange
A man complained to his friends "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should
see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at
the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a
doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will
diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs
$10.00."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine
sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the
sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises
and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a
small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy labor
It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard
Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms
Give him vitamins.
Your daughter's on drugs
Put her in rehab.
Your wife's pregnant
It ain't yours---get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off
Your tennis elbow will never get better.
got this from the spookykids list, im not sure who sent it
*** The Bettertimes Email Virus ***
You've heard of Goodtimes. Now beware of Bettertimes. It will re-write
your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are
even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's
coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the
strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television
and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.
It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix
Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its
socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It
will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and
hide your car keys when you are late for work.
Bettertimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you
nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank
and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current girlfriend
behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa
card.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.
It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your
boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is
dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting
shade of mauve.
Bettertimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet
seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and
then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase
gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.
Consider yourself warned.
first courtesy of sean the bastard for sending it to me first, then to Buddy Lembeck for resending it (i deleted the first copy)
From the L.A. Times....
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped our gerbil, Raggot, in," he explained.. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
buddy lembeck wrote this part...
O.K., here's the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this
story:
10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!!- Nuff said
9) "So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but that's like looking
through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.
8) That poor gerbil being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the
Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.
7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's
anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was
springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."
6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their
rectums make me nervous.
5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing
when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a
gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a
charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't
imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil
named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube . . ."
4) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make the burning itch and
discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy smash after
something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible
scents on the face of God's green earth.
3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for:
"Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their ass."
2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this? (Bet
it wasnt Catholic.)
1) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those
Mormons?
I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.