All-Time Greatest Jokes Index:
- The lucky frog
- Adam and Eve
- Superman's Day
- O.J.'s Gasoline
- The Divorced City Boy
- Getting Your Money's Worth
- OINK OINK
- Norm Peterson's Greatest Cheers Quotes
- GM's New Instant-Win Airbags
The Lucky Frog
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next
to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot
when he hears,"Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and
doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog
and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club
away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the
cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides
to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think
frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 Wood." The guy takes out a 3
Wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't
know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the
best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,"OK, where to
next?" The frog replied, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to
Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog
says,"Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table,
the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog
replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-
one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what
the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the
table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in
the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't
know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am
forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since
after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss,
the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
Adam and Eve: The way it really happened...
Submitted by Grier
God made Adam and saw that he was good, and Adam saw that
he was good. However, Adam was getting quite lonely and upon
seeing this God said to him, "I will make you a partner."
Excited, Adam replied. "A partner?"
"Yes," God said. "She will be beautiful at all times and clean and
cook and wash. She will love you with all of her heart and all that
she is. She will always be there for you and will be your personal
slave."
Adam smiled at this. "Oh God, I want one."
God replied, "You can have one but it will be expensive." But
Adam did not care.
"It will cost an arm, a leg, and a shoulder."
Adam thought about this for a while and finally asked, "Well, what
can I get for a rib?"
Superman's Day
Superman's had a hard week of fighting crime in Metropolis and
is ready for some rest and relaxation. So Friday afternoon he
looks up his old friend Spiderman.
"Hey Spidey, what say you and I go grab a burger and a beer?"
Spiderman shrugs and replies, "Sorry Supe, but I have to fix
my webshooters before I can fight crime tomorrow. Maybe
next time."
A little perturbed, Superman decides to try Batman. He flies
to the Batcave and asks Batman, "Hey Bats, what say you
and I grab a burger and a beer and have a night on the town?"
"Sorry Superman, but the Batmobile has a flat tire and I have
to get it fixed before I fight crime tomorrow. Call me later."
By this time Superman was pretty angry. He decided to go
for a fly around Metropolis and see what was going on. While
letting off a little steam, he spots Wonder Woman lying on her
back stark naked sunbathing on her balcony. Startled, he flies
away and then gets to thinking. "I'm Superman. They say I can
fly faster than a speeding bullet and leap tall buildings in a single
bound, I bet I could swoop down there, give her a little action,
and fly away before she even knew what happened."
So Superman gathered up some speed, zips down, takes
advantage of the situation and flies away at the speed of light.
Wonder Woman sits up, "What was that!?"
And the Invisible Man says, "I don't know, but it sure hurt
like hell!"
O.J.'s Gasoline
A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in L.A. and
he's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse
than usual, we're not even moving."
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between
the cars and he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me
officer, what's the hold up?"
"O.J. just found out the verdict, he's all depressed. He's lying
down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse
himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have
$8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking
up a collection for him."
The man says, "Oh really, how much have you got so far?"
"So far...about ten gallons."
The Divorced City Boy
Three years ago, after my divorce, I found myself in the
position of having to buy condoms, something I hadn`t had
to do for better than twenty years.
The selection was overwhelming, and I asked the pharmacy
clerk for some help. He extolled the virtues of latex, ribbed,
lubricated, colored, glow in the dark (assuming you can`t
find it any other way), Magnum size (no laughing), and more.
At last, as he was running out of breath, I asked which
condom he recommended. He replied, "The condom made of lamb`s
intestine has a more natural feel."
I said "Not to us city boys."
Getting Your Money's Worth
Chris goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the
wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the
greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks
if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell
- a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He
promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so
beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you
another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe,
and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another
hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer
and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says,
"You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop
off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
OINK OINK
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham,
bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of
the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The
vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial
insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea
what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance,
only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are
pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes
to the conclusion that articial insemination means he has to
impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck,
drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings
them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks
out at the pigs.
Seeing the they are all still standing around, he concludes
that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck
again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice
for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next
morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up
and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging
the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the
bed to look at the pigs. He askes his wife to look out and
tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's
honking the horn."
Norm's Greatest Cheers Quotes
"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."
"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're
demanding beer."
"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."
"What'll you have, Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of
whatever comes out of the tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."
"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."
"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the
happy ending."
"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."
"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"
"Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."
"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
"Women. Can't live with 'em.... pass the beer nuts."
"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."
"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone
underwear."
"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early, isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."
GM's New Instant-Win Airbags
GENERAL MOTORS INTRODUCES NEW INSTANT-WIN AIRBAGS
DETROIT--With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of
the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General
Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday.
The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent,
high-speed impact with another car or stationary object,
will come standard in all of the company's 1998 cars.
"Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM
vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the
contest to boost 1998 sales significantly. "When you play the
new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision
could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXII in New Orleans.
Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."
Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1998, the
airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities,
with feedback overwhelmingly positive.
"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought
to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it--I could be a big
winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife
but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving
hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck.
"When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew
Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the
blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"
"It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident
Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is
listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging
and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed four cars
trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't
won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets--even if
it kills me!"
Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to
buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.
GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been
so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car
wrecks, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary
and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul
Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck,
your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn't
like that?"
Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but
is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.
According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the
grand prize, a brand-new 1998 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in
43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances
of winning are significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds
of getting in a serious car accident in the first
place--approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual odds of winning
a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31
trillion."
Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee
the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk
driver in my new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident
Jerry Polaner. "My car was totaled, and because it was the
side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate.
But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver,
who rammed my side with the front of his 1998 Buick Regal,
won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just wrong."