1. To me, clowns aren't funny.  In fact, they're kind of scary.
I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to
the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

2. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little
trick to calm myself down.  I'll go over to the person's house
and ring the doorbell.  When the person comes to the door, I'm
gone, but you know what I've left on the porch?  A jack-o-lantern
with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that 
says "You".  After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no
harm done.

3. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to
tell him is "God is crying."  And if he asks why God is crying,
another cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something
you did."

4. One thing kids like is to be tricked.  For instance, I was 
going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I 
drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.  "Oh, no," I said,
"Disneyland burned down."  He cried and cried, but I think deep
down he thought it was a pretty good joke.  I started to drive
over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

5. In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination
should automatically disqualify you.

6. When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future,
don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a
fossil.

7. Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treat-
ment"?  I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that
rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot
of free games.

8. I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone
would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy 
brows."  Then they would all get embarrassed because they 
remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get
mad and eat the snowman.

9. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at 
the word itself: "Mankind".  Basically, it's made up of two
separate words - "mank" and "ind".  What do these words mean?
It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

10. I bet the reason the police keep people away from a plane
crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down
in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like
they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

11. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth
part of the face.

12. If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of
conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I
don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it.
So sue me."

13. If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign
of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then
yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.

14. When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing
to ask is if they ever press charges.

15. To me, boxing is like ballet, except there is no music, 
no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

16. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients.  But we
can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what
annoys me.

17. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about 
cutting them down?  We might, if they screamed all the time,
for no good reason.

18. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go limp, because
maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch
you because, hey, free dummy.

19. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch
onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it
off, I have to laugh, because, what is that thing?

20. He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land.  He loved
it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her.  But
when he kissed her, she disintegrated.  Later, at the funeral,
when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed,
and the cowboy shot them.  At his hanging, he told others, 
"I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

21. If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one
would you think liked dolphins the most?  I'd say Flippy,
wouldn't you?  You'd be wrong, though.  It's Hambone.

22. Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke".  But to
me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

23. We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go
fishing.  But we wouldn't be laughing that evening, when he'd
come back with some whore he picked up in town.

24. As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a flint
gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and
how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

25. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and
your friends are watching you fall, I think a funny gag would
be to pretend you were swimming.

26. Children need encouragement.  If a kid gets an answer right,
tell him it was a lucky guess.  That way he develops a good,
lucky feeling.

27. The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

28. Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of 
destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use 
out of the ones we already have.

29. I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate
revolver, and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to 
run up to him real quick and give it to him.

30. I can't stand cheap people.  It makes me real mad when 
someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay
me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you 
borrowed?"  Man, quit being so cheap!

31. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but
not our children's children, because I don't think children
should be having sex.

32. Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me
quite a bit of freedom.  I could walk freely, make my own meals,
and even hurl rocks at their heads.  It was only later that I
discovered that they were not Indians at all but only
dirty-clothes hampers.

33. If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at
the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins.  Maybe it'll
make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are
thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

34. Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of
the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What
if there were no civilization?  No cities, no factories, no
people?  And then I think: No people or factories?  Then who
made this car?  And this highway?  And I get so confused I have
to stick my head out the window into the driving rain--unless
there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by
a bolt.

35. Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class
that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have
liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make
fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like
everybody else."  Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy
alone, and I'd invite him to spend the night at my house, but
after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to 
kick him out.  Maybe later we could get up a petition to get
the Cricket Family run out of town.  Bye, Cricket Boy.

36. I remember that fateful day when Coach took me aside.  I 
knew what was coming.  "You don't have to tell me," I said.
"I'm off the team, aren't I?"  "Well," said Coach, "you never
were really ON the team.  You made that uniform you're wearing
out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet.
You show up at practice and then you steal the ball and make
us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at 
inappropriate times."  It was all true what he was saying.  And
yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this
Coach.  He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that
he can  mold.  But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

...more to come.