Star Trek v. Star Wars: Who Cares?

The Last Debate

and

The Final Battle

EPISODE I: THE LAST DEBATE
In reviewing the old debate “Who would win in a fight, Kirk or Darth Vader?” I was a bit surprised (well not really) by the common belief on websites which seem to serve as a testament to the poverty of the over-priced modern educational system, which teaches web-programming, but not common sense, and which thus turns out a lot of Star Wars fans (henceforth referred to as “fanatics”) with a lot of free time on their hands rather than people contributing to making the Star Trek vision come true.

However, answering this question, we come across the fact that these respective genres, are simply vehicles for delivering their respective messages to our modern world culture, while the respective forms of each simply reflects such; thus, while Star Trek promotes the triumph of science and civility through learned wisdom, the Star Wars universe seems to represent a medieval atmosphere of chaos and mysticism in which the only hope to have order is through a ruling social elite, with the main danger being such being corrupted by power.

Thus, As detailed here in the Salon.com article by David Brin, the "Star Wars"  universe seems to be a message by George Lucas regarding a belief in demagogue rulership regardless of technological advancement, while "Star Trek" represents a more optimistic view.

In answering the above question, therefore, as to “who cares” who would win in such a battle, the answer seems to be “Mostly Star Wars fans,” for the simple reasons that

a) there are more of them, since Star Wars panders to the masses;

b) they are Star Wars fanatics-- not Star Trek fans, primarily because they believe in force over reason (no pun intended),

c) as Star Wars Fanatics, they live entirely in a world of fantasy with absolutely no connection whatsoever to reality, and finally

d) Jealousy-- sheer jealousy at the elite rulers of the leading literary sci-fi projection of the future of the planet on which they live (even their delusional minds can’t dispute THIS fact—in most cases).

Finally, the fact that the very notion of there being even a contest between the two, normally brings no more reaction from an intelligent Star Trek fan (whose numbers include no less than Bill Gates and Stephen Hawking) than a smirk and a giggle (although the obsession shown by Star Wars fans in forcing the issue on such an Imperial suicide-mission does warrant the occasional chortle and guffaw). In short, we can conclude that Star Wars fanatics (whose numbers include common rejects and reprobates with no lives) are feelers, not thinkers—and as the saying goes, life is a tragedy for the former, and a comedy for the latter—which is why “Star Trek” episodes inevitably ended with a laugh, while “Star Wars” end with a tear—or a groan (and often both), thus giving new appropriate meaning to the phrase “Beam me up, Scotty, there is no intelligent life here.”

Let’s face it, from a standpoint of simple plausibility, Star Wars is, without a doubt THE silliest sci-fi garbage ever peddled which ever saw a profit, making “Godzilla” look plausible by comparison. Come on— we’re supposed to accept wicked “space sorcerers,” good and evil “knights” waving “laser-swords” and who dress like they’re right out the crusades—including the obligatory “evil wizard emperor” control-freak, and the “black knight” who never removes his visor because without it he’s just a fat, rude oaf with insecurities and a penchant for real-estate?

And wait-- let’s not forget the gratuitous “Princess in distress,” waiting to be rescued (strike that—make that “the princess in distress with an attitude waiting to be rescued—it’s made in the “Women’s Lib” era after all)—and it’s hard not to laugh at anyone who even goes there; the only thing missing here is the clichéd “fire breathing dragon” (oh wait—didn’t they have one that destroys planets, which the naïve, young knight “Sir Luke Cloudprancer” slew with his “proton laser-lance,” from his noble robo-steed “R2-D2” or something?)

To put the final nail in the coffin of any hope of reality, the exact time and place “long ago, in a galaxy far, far away—“ a designation which translates roughly to “once upon a time--” quite appropriate for a simple futurized fairy-tale.

To quote ABC's John Stossel,

"GIMME A BREAK!"

The fact that the whole story all revolves around and some inexplicable mysterious “force” which runs in families, and is obviously an analogy for Divine Right aka aristocracy, aka “Social Darwinism” says it all as to why this stuff sells—it’s the same bullcrapola fodder that charlatans have been hawking to the sheep for millennia, and they continue to eat it right up and follow right along. Likewise, the entire story revolves around paying lip-service to avoid "giving into hate," while at the same time advancing the core message of elite bigotry, making us realize that maybe they’re right: if people continue to think like Star War-mongers and buy into this type of backward egocentric thinking, the world’s never REALLY see the day of the Enterprise, and we will see the Khan Singh/Darth Vader model triumph, since there will be technical advancement, but only for the strong to rule the weak in what is, at best, a benevolent dictatorship (as we saw not with the END of the Jedi-- but simply the RETURN).

That being said, the story, we learn, is about a dysfunctional family involving a boy who cut off his hand while playing with a sword, and whose father wears a black, heavy-breathing S&M mask while his daughter ran around in skimpy clothes in an affair with Marlin Brando look-alike “Jabba” (a term resembling the Hebrew translation for “Godfather,” believe it or not! I don’t know see anyone could miss this dead give-away—but given the gene-pool of the average Fanatic, it’s not difficult to imagine).

Let’s face it, this is nothing more than a veritable mish-mosh of  ”King Arthur of The Ten Commandments meets Buck Rogers while Lost in Space,” with a splash of “The Worst Story Ever Told” and “Ben Hur, Done That,” with a few inklings klepted from "Sparatacus" and other assorted film noir, all while leeching their various meta-messages or "deeper hidden meaning" which people grasp and understand on an intuitive level-- even if it's not the best thing for them, and they don't know exactly what it stands for; the message that "The Force Will be with you...Always" seems to tempt viewers with the attitude of mystically self-justifying superiority and power which basically equates to egocentristic imperialism and demagoguery, and  represents a somewhat disturbing notion when this "Force" represents a purely Machiavellian concentration of absolute power in the hands of an elite few; as David Brin once again points out here, such messages are inherently dangerous.

Comparatively, Roddenberry's  vision of "boldly going where no Man has gone before" represents a future of hope and exploration into the unknown on the wings of courage and wisdom. Even the titles say much, with the very name "Star Trek" indicates a frontier journey to the stars, while the term "Star Wars" refers distinctly to the settlement of a dispute between interstellar rulers via the use of violence. 

While I have to admit "Star Wars" to be  interesting in an escapist, comic-book kinda way, combined with the film-noiry "classic movie" message and feel to it, and the production and special-effects are nothing less than record-breaking excellence (except for the stilted animation and various cheap special-effects and lifeless puppets that I could have done without, and seemed to be gratuitous use of the latest technology), that’s as far as it goes, being little different in this regard than Superman, Batman and the other Marvel comic universe, and can be wholly dispensed with as far as any serious consideration of resemblance to reality; comparing it to Star Trek seems to be a case of what is known in artistic circles as "Form over Content," or, as Captain Kirk notes in “The Naked Time, would be “funny, if it weren’t so tragic.”

Likewise, the technology of the Star Wars camp-genre either borders around 20^th century gizmos, such as lasers and ion-drive, or magic, such as “the Force,” which is simply inferred as simple mysticism, along with other inexplicables such as “hyperdrive” and artificial intelligence, which are simple contrivances far out of step with the level of advancement of remaining technology of the genre which denies more than comic-book logic right out of “Flash Gordon” i.e. an endless panoply of gizmos simply with the word “nuclear” or “laser” in it.

Meanwhile, enter Star Trek—some years before, and with much more class, dignity and intelligence, i.e. plausibility, no les; whoever could compare the two, would compare “Goodfellas” with “Analyze This!” (and declare that the Billy Crystal character could beat mafia boss Paul Cicero).

In contrast, the Star Trek setting takes place, plausibly, on an exploratory naval vessel in the 23^rd century of our own world—not so far ahead, as things go-- with a few developments in technology and history; however, as the great 20^th century dictator Khan Singh notes to Captain Kirk, “how little man himself has changed.” (Interestingly, this episode signifies the passing of the last remnant of the elite supermen of the 20^th century which Lucas via Star Wars elevates as the natural and proper order of the universe; thus we see the metaphorical Star Wars crushed by Star Trek in the battle of ideals alone, via the triumph of democratic leadership over rule by superior demagogue elite.

Plausibility aside, however, it’s clear that if Kirk were to encounter these clown-characters from another galaxy, the only way he could lose is if he laughed himself to death. While “Star Wars” fans counted among pseudo-scientific populations often conduct self-indulgent excursions into the impossible dream, they inevitably meet their Waterloo in the common egocentric mistake of thinking themselves superior to that which they fail to comprehend, and, as is the wont of the Star Wars fanatic, respond with pretensions at a forceful solution where such is inherently self-defeating.

Treknology

Such ramblings often take the form of asserting superior technology of the Star Wars universe, while failing to explain how a society employing laser-weapons, ion-drive engines and simple EM force-fields can be compatible with inexplicably advanced hyperdrive, artificial intelligence and instantaneous communications systems; the simple answer is that they can’t, and thus rely on simple comic-book Daux Ex Machina to back up their assertions.

Meanwhile, Star Trek technology, on the other hand, uses quite plausible advances to current ones in technology in order to create a far more realistic picture of an advanced and peaceful culture, in which force is only used as a last resort against such “Star Wars” types, who insist on learning the hard way and getting their egotistical little butts kicked upon finding that Kirk is a kind man, but one of limited patience with tyrannical midgets who suffer from penis-envy to the point that they need to battle with phallic laser-implements in order to prove their manhood.

Specifically, Star Trek uses a variety of advancements in computer and physical technology, mainly the harnessing of gravitonics via a device called the “trans-stator” to harness the space-warp-- which is the next logical step above electronics in technological advancement; using such technology, bending space, as explained by Einstein, becomes a simple matter, and can be used to control everything from transportation to control of matter by simply bending space and thus changing universal coefficients via complex devices similar to modern electronics.

As such, “warp drive” involves simply converting stored anti-matter to kinetic energy by bending space in the desired direction and thereby causing the points occupied by the ship and everything on it to shift in that direction, while at the same time “compressing” space relative to normal space in order to change space-time transition ratios, thus changing lightspeed relative to normal space.

In relation, “hyperdrive” is basically an extension of “wormhole” technology, given explanations that a ship in such travel could not pass through stars or near supernovae; the sheer madness of taking such technology seriously in context with other technology of laser-weapons and ion-drive, given the magnitude of energy required for such a phenomenon places such technology as nothing more than a plot-device used to render plausible the crossing of galactic distances, despite being entirely anachronistic in the scheme of probability.

Similarly, “deflector shields” involve simply bending space to divert attacks away from the ship, while electromagnetic “force shields” simply involve the same fields native to electrons and protons to oppose, repel and absorb energy from incoming objects and beams.

In comparison, Star Wars technology can only involve simple “force shields” since, lacking such space-warp technology, this is the only form possible.

Likewise, the statement of only huge ships having cloaking-devices implies the requirements of such huge surpluses of energy to operate such devices that space-warp technology must be non-existent. While mention is made to “angling the deflector shields,” the very nature of deflector shields is to deflect, and thus require no “angling;” rather, the very need for “angling” such shields implies, rather, that such are electromagnetic in nature.

This is likewise reflected in weapons-technology, wherein phasers are subspace-distortion weapons which operate at super-light speeds, while likewise photon torpedoes are antimatter-powered devices, launched at super-light speeds by the ship by a warp-accelerator tube, inside a casing capable of sustaining the space-warp.

Meanwhile, the anti-matter power of the torpedo can be merely the detonator for a much more powerful sub-space disruption field of much greater destructive power than the simple energy released by the device, just as a nuclear warhead is much greater in force than the explosive-charge used to promote critical-mass, as seen with the “Genesis” device in which a small charge could initiate a complicated phenomenon capable of far greater and more complex impact than the simple release of energy therefrom, creating a far greater impact than the simple mass-scale “Death-star” energy weapon.

Advancements in contemporary Earth-technology likewise involve the next advancement of “duotronics” in computer technology, which involves a hybrid between analog and digital design, in order to consider not only 1 or 0, but every possibility in between (as is currently being realized in so-called “soft-logic” technologies); this is opposed to the elusive “enchanted toy” technology utilized by Star Wars, which simply uses such once again in Daux Ex Machina fashion.

Think about it: if C-3PO—a fully functional synthetic humanoid-- was a common technology of the time—compared to the simply metaphorical, how difficult would it be to create a super-intelligent artificial being capable of dominating all organic life-forms?

In comparison, the innovation of the M-5 “multitronics” computer (the next advancement over duotronics) by Dr. Richard Daystrom in “The Ultimate Computer” proved disastrous, thus limiting the development of artificial intelligence due to inherent incompatibilities in the complex ethical implications and contradictions inherent in such.

(For the purposes of this discussion, “Data” and other “Next Generation” developments are not considered "canon," and will be disregarded from consideration for the purposes of this discussion, as Rick Berman can be considered to have sold out to political correctness and dimestore moralism on this front).

Given these discrepancies in speed, we can see that the Federation starships would simply whip circles around the Imperial fighter-craft, while the automatic computer-controlled phaser-lock, deflector shields and muzzle-velocity many times light-speed would leave such primitive ships in the proverbial "dust."

Likewise, the ability of ship’s sensors to detect and react to Imperial light-speed weapons-fire (which, prior to the clear term “laser” are denied as being such by Star Wars fanatics) prior to impact (with such self-proclaimed “Star Warriors” invoking Clinton-esque revisions on not only what a "laser" is, but what "is" is, as well) would instantly vaporize any number of attacking Imperial vessels.

The obvious conclusion, then, is that Star Wars fans simply don’t care about facts— rather, they’re simply creatures moved by emotional reasoning, whereby the effectiveness of technology is measured by the reign of terror it inspires (a sentiment recently put to a sad end in Iraq).

Likewise, their resolve springs more from a lemming-like dependency on the numbers of fans than quantitative analysis, with the fact that their reasoning process rises no higher than peer-pressure and conformity making this a self-fulfilling delusion in that higher numbers signify only a mean intelligence being closer-to-average (if not less).

As such, their attempts at “proving” the superiority of Star Wars technology are likewise flawed from the outset by trying to prove the impossible by simply by obscuring reality, and hence to sink to their level and engage them in even debate on the subject would not only be equivalent to dueling a dead man, but would be, given their numbers and wanting objectivity, akin to starting the proverbial argument with someone who buys ink by the barrel and gets paid by the hour.

In addition to historical plausibility, the simple political situation denies explanation in the Star Wars universe; a society so advanced simply can’t be ruled by force, due to the mass distribution of information yielding an “equalizer” against the organized stratagems and superior technology which fueled prior dominions; this is precisely the reason for the “Machiavellian shift” in diplomatic relationships among nations following the renaissance, as cultural development into the industrial era required nations to exist by cooperation rather than force, since a perceived rogue nation would quickly find itself outnumbered by the majority; thus, we see post-renaissance rulers composed of great speakers and diplomats, rather than great military thinkers who were tactless invaders, with the (hopefully) last of these living anachronisms finding their Waterloo at Baghdad, and “Saddam & Son” opening a junk-weapons yard in Allah’s Place.

Thus, while the Klingon Empire, which was basically the Soviet Union in cooler outfits, represented a throwback to elite rulership run amuck under guise of misguided social justice, we saw that it was saved only by Divine Intervention at Organia from meeting the same fate.

As a reality-check for the fanatics, any intelligent person will be unable to honestly disagree with the following scenario:

 EPISODE II:

STAR TREK: THE LOST VOYAGE

aka

"THE FINAL BATTLE"

SETTING: Starfleet Headquarters, main assembly room; Chief Admiral David Savvik addresses the group: "Recent searches in the routine century-upgrading of Starfleet Archives, have turned up a relic-file of unusual nature, dating back over 100 years, which was not included in the regular ship’s log.

The re-creation of this particular voyage reveals some interesting facts, settling a matter long since believed to be declared moot by those not in the highest positions of Starfleet Intelligence; however, this record has just been cleared for regular viewing by mid-level members."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Opening scene: Exterior of the Enterprise: We hear the familiar frontier bugle-call as the ship approaches:

(Kirk's voice):“Captain’s log, star-date 98.6.3.14… ah, screw it: it’s September 23, 2268, 9:14 am Eastern Standard Time. (I’ve always wanted to do that—I can re-edit later.)"

(Cut to the corridor: Our hero, Captain Kirk, emerges from the gym into the corridor, carrying his shirt, his muscles rippling and moist with perspiration from a healthy refreshing workout.

Kirk: (continuing): We are approaching the most unexplored regions of the frontier-region, to check out and observe an unexplained disturbance; my science office, Mister Spock, has informed me that readings indicate a possible temporal-special rift created by some unkown phenomenon.

Kirk (exits the gym, hits the intercom button): “Kirk here.”

Spock: Captain, we have some sort of invasion-force coming in on-screen. They seem to be sub-light ships with standard lasers and electromagnetic force-screens; they haven’t detected us yet.”

Kirk: (half to himself) Lasers? They won’t even cut through our navigation shields! (To intercom): On my way, I’ll change in the lift.

Seconds later, Kirk emerges from the turbolift onto the bridge, dressed, perfectly groomed and ready for action.

Kirk: What’s happening?

Sulu: The deflector screens came up as soon as they appeared on sensors, but they didn’t spot us until we hailed them; it seems their sensors are electromagnetic as well. It seems to be an entire armada of ships including a number of ships larger than ours, and innumerable small craft; however they haven’t fired yet, though they’ve tried locking primitive tractor-beams to no avail. They seem to be powering weapons!

Chekov: Should I lock veapons, sir?

Kirk: No, Ensign; this HAS to be a trick; NO ONE could be that stupid!

Chekov: Yes I know, Captin; outrageous deception like that vas inwented in Russia.

Kirk: That’s right, it’s how you people started the Cold War; you know your history well Mr. Chekov. Let’s hope future generations don’t forget that, Ensign: we know how the French in particular have a way of “forgetting” the lessons of history and end up repeating them over and over.

Spock: Captain, I sense no hint at deception: it seems they’re serious.

Kirk: Are you sure, Spock?

Spock: Captain, only a Betazoid empath would make rash generalizations like that while stating the blatantly obvious; I am 99.9999997 percent certain, to be precise.

Kirk (To Spock): Spock, get Dr. McCoy up here; I need some three-way banter. (Spock raises an eyebrow and rolls his eyes slightly, but makes the call.)

(To his armchair intercom): All Decks! Red alert! Red Alert! This is not a drill!)

(To Uhuru): Lieutenant, open all channels.

(To screen):

“Unidentified Vessel: This is Captain James T. Kirk of the United Federation Ship Enterprise. We mean you no harm, but you are in Federation space and have expressed hostile intent. Please identify yourselves and lower your weapons: you have no need for such arguments here, and none of you has a weapon that can harm us.”

(Darth Vader’s ugly dog-mask and plastic helmet appears on the screen):

“(Gasp, hiss, gasp hiss) You are weak, pathetic fools! (gasp, hiss, gasp, hiss) Your puny Earth-weapons are no match for the power of the Dark Side of "The Force," and the Jedi Knights under the Emperor and lords of the Sith! (Gasp, hiss, gasp-hiss)

Spock (using his best Vulcan emotional control and discipline to avoid laughing out loud—particularly in front of McCoy): I stand corrected, captain (chuckle): it seems that once again you were right- they can’t be serious! (To himself): I am in control of my emotions! (laughing tearfully) I AM IN CONTROL OF MY EMOTIONS!

Kirk: (To screen, breathing a laugh of relief): VERY funny Finnegan; you almost had me going there! I thought you gave up those old tricks at the academy- I guess I stand corrected. I thought I got to beat the tar out of you back on Fantasy Planet where we ditched Khan-- now don’t make me do it for real! Come on, take off that silly mask, we all know it’s you.

Vader: (gasp, hiss, gasp hiss) INSOLENCE! (gasp, hiss, gasp hiss) THE EMPIRE IS NOT PLEASED! (gasp, hiss, gasp hiss)

Spock: I’m afraid I detect no trace of deception, however his gestures do seem erratic and grossly exaggerated, as if he’s simply a puppet-figure miming lines spoken by someone else.

Kirk: Bones, what do you make of it:
McCoy: I’d say a definite case of epilepsy, Jim; I recommend a sedative and a year’s worth of acting-lessons.

Spock: Perhaps it’s another puppet like Balok in the Fesarious, Captain, when you used the Corbomite Maneuver.

Kirk: No, his movements aren’t realistic enough to be a puppet. It would almost be funny, if it weren’t so tragic.

Vader: YOU FOOLS! (gasp, hiss, gasp hiss)YOU WILL FEEL THE WRATH OF THE EMPIRE! (gasp, hiss, gasp hiss)

Kirk: No thanks, I already felt the Wrath of a REAL tyrant, Khan Singh, when I woke him up from deep freeze in the S.S. Botany Bay—thank goodness I’ll never have to go through THAT again!

Sulu: Captain, they’re firing weapons!

Kirk: Evasive maneuvers, Helmsman, full power to shields.

Sulu: Not necessary, captain; they seem to be missing at point-blank range!

Kirk: Spock?

Spock: Captain, readings indicate incredibly inept crews on board all enemy vessels; they seem to be cloned from the same DNA. Fascinating—the nucleotide-sequence seems to contain some inscription: the translator reads it as “Jar-Jar’s Jar-heads.”

Kirk: Analysis?
Spock: Unknown, Captain, however if I had human emotions, I would definitely be feeling—annoyance.

Kirk: I hate to do this, but I can't stand to see to see dumb animals suffer.

Spock: Captain, killing the Star Wars Fanatics would be a violation of several Starfleet regulations; even though they’ve never been enforced against you in the past, you can’t expect to be given a medal for raising the average intelligence in the universe EVERY time.

Kirk: Spock, I meant these idiots!

Spock: I believe I just said that, Captain.

Kirk: No, I mean the idiots in these ships!

Spock: (Edith Bunker-like: OOOHHHhhhhhhh).

But Captain, they represent absolutely no real threat to us, except by intermarriage; eliminating them will serve no logical purpose other than target-practice.

Kirk: Spock, it’s not that simple; we have to stop them before they make us the laughingstock of the Quadrant. If the Klingons got wind that we let this rag-tag bunch of morons get away with this insult, they might get the impression that we FLED from them, and we’ll all be eating Gagh and drinking blood-wine before you can say “bak’lava!”

Spock: I see your point, captain-- and we can always use target-practice.

Kirk: (To Bridge Crew): Let’s get ready, people. But phasers only: Photon Torpedoes ain’t cheap, and Federation Credits don’t grow in nebulae!

Vader: Federation Credits? (waving his hand) Twenty thousand federation credits will be sufficient!

Kirk: Now he’s trying to BLACKMAIL us? This is getting better by the minute. Spock, why is he waving his hand like that?

Spock: It appears to be a hypnotic gesture used to influence weak minds.

Kirk: Hmmm…that explains the huge number of Star Wars Fanatics.

Spock: Agreed. However I believe seems to want to sell us “protection.”

McCoy: Jim, he’s doing it again!

Spock: They appear to be slow learners, Captain.

Kirk: Yes, Spock, I’ve noticed that, and not just the Fanatics. Let’s attempt to improve that with a lesson they won’t forget!

Kirk: (To Screen): No, twenty thousand Federation Credits will NOT be sufficient!

Listen, mister, I don’t wanna see your ugly mug in this galaxy ever again!

(Using KIRK gestures of influence): You don’t want to sell me protection: you want to go home and re-think your life--- while you still HAVE it! Understand?

Vader: (Trembling) Y-y-y-yes, sir.

(The Imperial Armada prepares to leave, when suddenly another ship appears out of warp—it’s the Enterprise D, captained by none other than that Pepe Le Pew of Starfleet himself!

Sulu: Captain, I have another ship approaching on the viewscreen: the insignia claims that it’s the USS Enterprise!

Kirk: What?! How could that be the Enterprise? It looks like a pregnant goose with its head flattened by a steam-roller!

(To Uhuru): Lieutenant?

Uhuru: No authorized Federation ships in this area, Captain.

Spock: It seems to be from the future, captain.

Kirk: Well, I can say without at doubt, that they sure don’t make ‘em like they used to.

Uhuru: Captain, they’re hailing us.

Kirk: On-screen.

Picard’s bald head and huge nose fill the main view-screen of the REAL Enterprise, addressing Kirk with almost even more pomposity than even a British Frenchman can muster:

“Captain Kirk, you are in violation of The Political Correct Directive, in failing to surrender immediately to an intruding enemy vessel and thus making them feel bad, thereby committing an appearance of impropriety and Political Incorrectness against which the severity of the charge outweighs any lack of evidence. On that basis, I ORDER you to stand down and grovel at my feet while I prepare to grovel at theirs!

Kirk: Ok, this has GOT to be a joke—either that, or I’m dreaming. Someone pinch me—not you, Spock, if I’m dreaming I want to wake UP, not the other way around.

Picard (To Vader): Mr. Vader, will you PLEASE, I IMPLORE you, I’m BEGGING you on my KNEES, PLEASE don’t hurt anyone!”

Vader: (gasp, hiss, gasp hiss)What is this, a joke? Get outta here!(gasp, hiss, gasp hiss)

Spock: I know of no such regulations, Captain; he seems to be confused.

Kirk: Yes, Spock: Let’s hope that the Federation never comes to such a pathetic condition!

Sulu: Captain, they’re firing weapons on the other Enterprise!

Spock: No effect on their shields, captain.

Kirk: Well at least they make THOSE like they used to.

Sulu: Captain! The other Enterprise is beginning self-destruct sequence!

Spock: He seems to want to avoid hurting their feelings, Captain; they’re not answering our hails.

Kirk: Transporter room, emergency transport!

Transporter room: (unfamiliar voice): Unable to retrieve their patterns, sir.

Kirk: Who is this?
Transporter room: I’m transporter-chief Miles O’Brien, sir; couldn’t stand serving under that idiot Picard for another second, and I certainly couldn’t pass up the honor of serving under you. So I beamed over, if that’s ok.

Kirk: Very well, Chief, just save the crew of the other Enterprise- even the stupid French one!

O’Brien: I can’t get a lock on them, sir, their patterns seem to be phasing in and out of our space-time continuum!

Spock: It seems to be a transporter-scrambler, Captain.

Kirk: O’Brien, beam them out of there!

(The Enterprise-D explodes)

Kirk: (in shock): did you get them, O’Brien?

O’Brien: Captain, what I got back, didn’t live long..... unfortunately—- it was Picard, and I SHOT him! Apparently, he was trying to beam over while he ordered self-destruct on everyone else.

Kirk: Oh well, Chief, I can’t blame you for that, but I agree, it would have been nice to get ahold of him for a few more minutes.

Darth Vader once appear on the main view-screen:

(gasp, hiss, gasp hiss) FOOLS! (gasp, hiss, gasp hiss) WE NOW SEE THAT YOU ARE NOTHING MORE THAN PATHETIC IMBECILES, WE WILL DO YOU A FAVOR BY PUTTING YOU OUT OF YOUR MISERY! (gasp, hiss, gasp hiss)

Sulu: They’re at it again, Captain!

Kirk: At it? At WHAT, Helmsman?

Chekov: They’re firing their veapons at us, Captin.

Kirk: But I don’t hear anything! Is this some “silent but deadly” weapon?

Spock: I hear it, captain—it’s a very loud sound-effects, in conjunction with their blinking at us, however in space they’re almost inaudible. Our shields are down to 99.9999997% integrity Captain; they’ll hold for a few more millenia, but no more—ok, maybe a few centuries more; once our shields are down, ship’s armor will only last a few more centuries against this type of bombardment. Damage will be insignificant, but it’s really making us look silly.

Kirk: Agreed.

(To Bridge crew): Ok, people, battle stations everyone. I want to make this as quick as possible.

Chekov: “Qvick and painless, Captin-- like wodka!”

(The Dream Crew goes into overdrive; five seconds later, the entire Imperial Armada is disabled without a single casualty, damage, or scratch to any person or ship. The Enterprise then approaches the lead "Galaxy Smoosher"):

Spock: Captain, the lead ship seems to be hailing us.

Kirk (To Uhuru): On-screen, Lieutenant!

Vader: (on screen): (gasp, hiss, gasp hiss)This is an outrage! I am Lord of the Sith!(gasp, hiss, gasp hiss)

Kirk: Sith? Spock, does he have a lisp?
Spock: Not that I can detect Captain, however the Universal Translator can find no given definition for the term “Sith” anywhere in their data banks; apparently it seems to be a nonsense-syllable used frequently to fool the ignorant masses along with hypnosis.

Kirk: You meant the Fanatics?

Spock: No, Captain, but I am forced to admit what is proverbially known as “the shoe fits.”

Bones: Thank goodness, I can’t stand another one of your Vulcan instructions on jamming my foot into an undersized boot!

Kirk: You’ll have your chance to jam it somewhere else very soon, Bones. You, Mr. Spock, come with me to the transporter room; we’re going to beam over and get to the bottom of this once and for all—and kick it!

Mr. Sulu, you have the conn.

(Kirk, Spock and McCoy all materialize on the bridge of the lead imperial Galaxy Smoosher, and confront an old man in a black mask who bought his medical prosthetics from the lowest bidder, and who has lost his bladder-control but not his delusions of grandeur:

Vader: (his voice full of wrath, raising a fist in trademark pantomime exaggerated gesture): (gasp, hiss, gasp hiss)You will all bow down to ME—it is your DESTINY! (gasp, hiss, gasp hiss)

Spock: A highly melodramatic fellow, Captain, but most illogical. He doesn’t seem to know when he’s beaten.

Kirk: That explains where the Fanatics get it, Spock.

McCoy: Jim, that man’s on the verge of a nervous breakdown, if not insanity!

Kirk: Spock, what’s he doing with his hand?
Spock: He seems to be trying to choke us, Captain.

Kirk: Um… from across the room? Shouldn’t he move a little closer first or something?

Spock: He seems to be attempting some form of telekinesis, as we saw on Plato’s Retreat Planet.; their data-logs make extensive reference to it, but with no logical evidence or explanation whatsoever—it seems to be another ruse to fool the ignorant masses, just like that hand-waving thing, and box-office records seem to prove its effectiveness in this regard. However, tricorder-scans read absolutely no such evidence of any type of force whatsoever. Likewise, I can sense no telepathic means of any kind; perhaps it could have existed long ago in a galaxy far, far away; fortunately, however, that was then and there, and this was here and now.

Kirk: Bones? You see anything indicating that type of power?
McCoy: Damn it Jim, I’m a doctor, not a WITCH-doctor! I can’t find diddly-squat in the way of any such power. However I see he’s got a nasty case of asthma that I might be able to cure, and I’ve got some spare parts in sickbay that might fix him up nicely from those scrap-heap specials.

Spock: Captain, if the power cannot be detected, therefore it does not exist; if it does not exist, it cannot harm us.

McCoy: Blast it, Spock, MUST you always be so darned logical?
Spock: You’d rather be a Star Wars Fanatic doctor?

McCoy: Hmm…. point taken; if I was a doctor for Star Wars fanatics, I’d have to admit there’s something I can’t cure—pure, unequivocal stupidity!

Kirk: Is this another miracle? You’re both in agreement!

McCoy: Jim, come on, this hardly counts; who in his right mind could disagree on what idiots that Star Wars fanatics are?

Spock: I must agree, Captain.

Kirk: Two miracles in the same day! Will they never cease?
(Kirk’s communicator beeps ): Kirk here!

Cut to Scotty in Engineering: Captain; did someone ask for a miracle?

Kirk: Only if you’ve got some of that old Crown Royal in your quarters, Scotty—I think I’m gonna need a drink!

Scotty: Nay captain, I canna help ye there; it seems that when I saw those wee-dainty toy ships, I needed one so badly that I done finished off the whole bottle meeself!

(When the hilarity of the moment on the bridge dies down after several minutes, with even Spock in tears, they see that Darth Vader’s black mask and clothing has turned beet-red, and he has ran on his own light-saber in embarrassment, and the clones follow suit—--not in mutual suicide, but in attempt to shoot the party they miss and all hit each other. A wave of pity goes through the landing party…

Kirk: (sadly) What a senseless waste of human life.

Spock: I agree captain, the Fanatics are a most illogical but pathetic mutated species.

Kirk: I meant the Empire, Spock-- although as you put it, the shoe DOES fit.

(Suddenly the party realizes that the entire Armada is beginning to self-destruct; despite being able to beam out at any time, they just make it to safety before the last second).

Spock: Most illogical, Captain: it seems they have committed suicide out of shame at their loss due to the sheer magnitude of their ego’s.
Kirk (thoughtfully, looking up toward the heavens): No, not shame, Spock; 'twas DOODY killed the beast.

(Spock says nothing, but raises an eyebrow; Kirk and McCoy share a chuckle while Spock looks aloof)

Foreground shot: the Ewoks cheer in victory-celebration, and are incidentally blown to pieces by the Enteprise's engines at it takes off into the distance (to the cheers of the audience).

As the ship disappears, we hear, the voice of Kirk, faintly:
”Spock, this didn’t happen: I want you to lose this log-entry; make sure no one finds it for a HUNDRED years.”

(Spock’s voice in answer:) “Consider it lost, Captain.”

--THE END—