The Top 9 Sexual Jokes of 1998

( Number nine )
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

( Number eight )
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots! Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing will."

( Number seven )
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

( Number six )
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

( Number five )
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

( Number four )
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."

( Number three )
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

( Number two )
A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy. "What's wrong?" The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?"
The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"

( Number one )
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

*****The (R-Rated) Night Before Christmas***** !"

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.!"

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
We had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.!"

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.!"

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.!"


Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
"Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee."!"

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.!"

I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.!"

"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, so I'll stay for a while."
He walked to the kitchen and poured himself a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.!"

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.!"

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.!"

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
A f*ck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.

"This stuff ain't for kids; Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.!"

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, and took reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf... this night's been a bitch!"

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,!
"The best thing about pussy is that you can't wear it out!"


Was this your Grandmother?

An elderly woman walked into the Commonwealth Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the President of Commonwealth Bank due to the large amount of money involved.

The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and, after opening the bag and seeing the bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to $3 million, he phoned the President to make the appointment for the woman.

The woman was escorted upstairs to the President's office. Introductions were made and she said that she liked to get to know the people she did businness with on a more personal level. The bank President then asked how did she come into such a large sum of money.

"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.
"No" she answered
"Was it from playing the Stock Market?" he inquired.
"No", She replied

He was quiet for a moment, trying to figure out how the elderly lady came into such a large sum of money.

"I won it by betting" she stated.
"As in horses?"
"No", she replied, "I bet on people."

Seeing his confusion, she explained that she would bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square."

The bank President figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to taker her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances, since there was $25,000 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew, this would be a lucky day-how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. Then the bank President asked what the other man was doing in the office with her, and she explained to the President that he was her Lawyer and she always took him along on bets when large sums of money was at stake.

"Well", she asked,"What about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this", he answered with a smile,"But I'm the same as I've always have been, only $25,000 richer."

The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank President thought that this was a reasonable request and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over, and she grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square. The bank President then looked up and saw the Lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?", he asked.
"Oh, him", She answered, " I bet him $100,000 that by 10:30 this morning I'd have the President of the Commonwealth Bank by the balls."


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