( Number nine )
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he
turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are
both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your
heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She
replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
( Number eight )
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?"
the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded
the young man.
"6 shots! Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my
first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the
house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste,
Nothing will."
( Number seven )
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to
a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is
reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and
she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and
Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is
Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet
you."
( Number six )
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his
wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over
and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over
and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps
his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a
dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
( Number five )
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into
the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex
therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too
embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day
a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once
that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put
my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I
did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I
mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired
too."
( Number four )
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma
for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast
instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh.
The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and
suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any
reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a
moan from his suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying
he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the
man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five
minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.
The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."
( Number three )
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll
make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my
genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In
return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a
drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the
bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's
open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a
minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on
the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed
his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first
of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made
another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back
of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to
promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
( Number two )
A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge
dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy
and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3
pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints! The big
dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and
shaking him, and asks the small guy. "What's wrong?" The small white
guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?"
The big dude looks down
and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3
pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says,
"Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"
( Number one )
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she
replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were
probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well,"
Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon
the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know,
honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as
hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be
surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in
your oatmeal!"
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.!"
We had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.!"
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.!"
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.!"
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
"Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee."!"
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.!"
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.!"
"The reindeer are pooped, so I'll stay for a while."
He walked to the kitchen and poured himself a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.!"
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.!"
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.!"
"This stuff ain't for kids; Mrs. Santa will shit,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
A f*ck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.!"
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, and took reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf... this night's been a bitch!"
"The best thing about pussy is that you can't wear it out!"
"No" she answered
"Was it from playing the Stock Market?" he inquired.
"No", She replied
"As in horses?"
"No", she replied, "I bet on people."
"I don't know how to tell you this", he answered with a smile,"But I'm the same as I've always have been, only $25,000 richer."
"Oh, him", She answered, " I bet him $100,000 that by 10:30 this morning I'd have the President of the Commonwealth Bank by the balls."
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