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How to take out your appendix on the Piccadilly line
Useful Advice
I've had email after email after email after one particular email which read "What should I do about my appendix on the Piccadilly Line?" - well, Mr G, I can only assume you're talking about an acutely inflamed vermiform appendix. The answer simply is - take it out. I've no wish to give glib advice - I know there are bound to be difficulties for the inexperienced layman or woman, contemplating auto-appendicetomy. One tiny hint here - have a good rummage through your briefcase and make sure that there your Lane's forceps are not caked up with biscuit crumbs, bits of fluff, old bus tickets etc, it could save an awful lot of fuss later on.
I have set out a few details you will find below which may help you, and coming soon there is a Lines and Stations Index which will be useful also.
Having found any open Underground station, study your diagram and find the blue line marked 'Piccadilly' in the key. Select a station appropiate to the severity of the inflammation e.g mild or grumbling appendicitis you could start at Hammersmith, being careful NOT to change at Earl's court and comfortably have incised your abdomen and exposed the inflamed organ by the time you are between Knightsbridge and Hyde Park Corner, having up to Leicester Square left to complete your excision. The six minutes between there and King's Cross gives you plenty of time to be completely sewn up before the terminal at Cockfosters - a very unpleasant place to be with a gaping abdominal wound (and a plastic bucket full of evil smelling-viscera).
Points To Remember
- If you are at all uncertain, please ask the ticket inspectors about gridiron incisions. They are fully trained public servants and are most helpful.
- The Piccadilly Line stops running at 11:50 pm.
- For severe inflammation, consult the London Transport Information Center and choose one of their longer journeys - arranging it so that the actual excision of the inflamed viscus takes place somewhere along the length of (say) the Bakerloo Line (20.84 miles). Or you might try a shuttle up and down the Victoria Line (light blue) for pre- and post-operative treatment, convalescing on the Circle Line (yellow).
- Red Rovers may not be used on the Underground - nor can they be bought on buses, or in hospitals.
Finally A Few Words Of Warning:
Whatever you do, remain calm at all times. Do not throw used swabs onto the floor of the carriage - these can cause delay or prevent successful operation of the automatic doors. A purse-string suture should be inserted into caput caeci about half an inch from the base - and failure to surrender a valid ticket at the end of your journey could mean a fine of up to 100 pounds as a first offence.
