I started with nothing. I still have most of it.

When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.

I tried to get a life once, But they told me they were out
of stock.

It was so different before everything changed.

Some day's you're the dog, and some day's you're the hydrant.

Nostalgia isn't what it use to be.

A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the
sudden stop at the end.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive, But it does include a trip
around the sun.

Never knock on death's door, ring the bell and run (he hates that).

When you are finally holding all the cards, why does everyone
else decide to play chess.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Its not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the
better attorney.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

MORE PITHY SAYINGS

1. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

2. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

3. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

4. Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.

5. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

6. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

7. Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

8. A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

9. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

10. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

12. I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

13. Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

14. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

15. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

16. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

17. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

18. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

19. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

20. I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

21. Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.

22. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

23. Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

24. Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.

25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

26. If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

27. If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

28. Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

29. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

30. Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

31. Look out for #1. Don't step in #2.

32. Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

33. Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

34. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

35. Do witches run spell checkers?

37. Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

38. Dain bramaged.

39. Department of Redundancy Department

40. Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!

41. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

42. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

43. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

44. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.

45. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

46. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

47. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

48. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

49. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL50. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN

51. uh...

52. Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression

53. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

54. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

55. The name is Baud......, James Baud.

56. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

57. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

58. C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

59. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..

60. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

61. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

62. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

63. Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.

64. E Pluribus Modem

65. >... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

66. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

67. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

68. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

69. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?

70. Does fuzzy logic tickle?

71. A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.

72. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium

73. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

74. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

75. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

76. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

77. Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

78. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.

79. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.

80. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...

81. All computers wait at the same speed.

82. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.

83. Press -- to continue ...

84. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue....

.85. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

86. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

87. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

88. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!

89. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

90. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

91. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

92. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

93. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

94. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

95. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

96. Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.	

Dogs VS Cats

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me,
provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good
care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me,
provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good
care of me... I must be a God!

DAFFYNITIONS

Family Definitions Dept....

 
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper 
distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate
the strained carrots.
 
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him/her.
 
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful
even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
 
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.
 
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
 
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies
wearing dry shoes into it.
 
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
 
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by 
boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
 
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing 
Superman jammies.
 
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she 
begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
 
VERBAL: able to whine in words.
 
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house... 

CFIDS FROM SOMEWHERE

As The World Spins--vertigo 
The Bold and The Dutiful--CFIDS Specialists and Researchers 
Local Hospital--clueless when it comes to CFIDS 
The Blinding Light--visual disturbances 
The Young and the Unrested--person with CFIDS 
The Days of Our Wives--husbands who have wives with CFIDS 
Oh My Children--when I am trying to take a nap 
Another's World--brainfog 
One Strife To Live--living with CFIDS 
Banta Sarbara--speech difficulties

MY CFIDS CHRONICLE OF SYMPTOMS

You sleep all night on the couch because you're too tired to get up 
and go to bed.

You watch 4 hours of Parliament Question time because the remote
control is on the television set.

You lay awake all day wishing you could sleep because you're so
tired, and you lay awake all night wishing you could get up.

You watch the telephone as it rings, and you know you could 
manage to pick it up, but you forget what comes next.

You are having a conversation with someone and half way through
you have to ask them to remind you what you're talking about.

You don't drive, but carry your driver's licence to remind yourself 
of what your name is.

You're walking through a busy shopping center and somebody slightly
familiar is walking towards you.  As you desperately search for a
name, you get close enought to realize you're walking towards a
mirror.