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Spell Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
 
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
 
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
 
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.


You know, English is a crazy language.
 
For instance, there is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't 
invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are 
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. 

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, 
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square 
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
 
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, 
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of
tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
 
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy 
that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb thru 
annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of 
odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you 
call it?
 
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a 
letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
 
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to 
an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people 
recite at a play and play at a recital? Send shipments by car 
and send cargo by ship? 

Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and
a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are 
opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite
a lot and quite a few are alike?
 
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they 
are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful 
gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? And where are 
all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY 
hurt a fly? 

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which 
your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in 
a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off 
by going on. 

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects 
the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race 
at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, 
but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I 
wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I 
end it.
ANONYMOUS

Language Twisters

First Language Twister

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement
has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language
for European communications, rather than German, which was the
other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's
Government conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what
will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year,
's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants
will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced
with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan
have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when
the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like
'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse
of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more
komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would
go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be
dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors, be aplid
to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl
riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi
tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

Second Language Twister

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, 
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, 
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and 
dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, 
eventually becoming depressed and depleted!

Even more, bed makers will be debunked, 
baseball players will be debased, 
landscapers will be deflowered, 
bulldozer operators will be degraded, 
organ donors will be delivered, 
software engineers will be detested, 
the BVD company will be debriefed, 
and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

On a more positive note, though, 
perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.



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