These jokes were sent to me from various newsletters. I do not have all of their originators names. Some are from Rootsweb, some from people who just wrote their email address

KNOCKING AT THE DOOR.

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the pastor had knocked several times. Finally, the pastor took out his card and wrote "Revelations 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.

--Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him and him with me.--

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the pastor's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10".

--I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.--

GENEALOGY AT WORK

Christine Horn writes: "At the Family History Center where I am the
director, we get mail sometimes that brings a smile and often a chuckle.
Thought I would share it with all of you."

To the FHC, enclosed, please find my grandmother. I have worked on her for 50 years without success. Now see what you can do.

I've looked for grandpa for over 20 years. Do you have him in your library?

I am sorry we do not have complete families. The trouble here is extracting the children from the minister.

Our grandfather was found dead, crossing the plains in the library.

For Sale: We have an antique desk just right for genealogy work and a lady, with thick legs, and large drawers.

PONDERINGS

There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't hurt.

Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an
aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant
atmosphere . and let the air out of their tires.
Dorothy Parker

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters
and too young to borrow the family car.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can
happen to you the rest of the day!

Language Twisters

First Language Twister

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement
has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language
for European communications, rather than German, which was the
other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's
Government conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what
will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year,
's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants
will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced
with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan
have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when
the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like
'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse
of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more
komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would
go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be
dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors, be aplid
to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl
riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi
tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.