I am writing this for N. He would like to thank Kielle for a wicked
editting job.
*************************************************************
First our Standard Disclaimer:
SWISH the doors opened into the Captain's ready room.
"Yes Wesley?" Picard's voice barely covered his dislike
of being interrupted in his relaxing mid-afternoon cup of tea. "Do
you have something to tell me?"
"Uh...uh...yes sir!"
Picard sighed inwardly -- had he ever been so annoyingly
awkward? "What is it, Ensign?"
"I have to tell you that Sc...Scott, Jean, Gambit and the
other X-Men belong to Marvel. Sir!" Wesley added respectfully.
Picard just stared. The IDIOTS they are letting onto
starships these days. He sighed patiently. "Anything else?"
"Ummm...yes sir -- Kermit and Miss Piggy and the
Muppets belong to Jim Henson's Prod., and us to Paramount."
"I see. In your opinion, Mr. Crusher -- is this information
crucial to the survival of this ship?"
"Uh -- I don't know, sir."
"I didn't think so. Now are you finished?"
"Oh -- one more thing. We aren't making any money
with this."
Picard thought that this was conclusive evidence that one
of them was losing it. "Mr. Crusher -- are you or are you not
aware that money does not exist in the 24th century?"
"Yes sir, I know."
The Captain just glared at him, causing Wesley to shift
uncomfortable and wonder why these little chats with the Captain
never seem to go well.
"Wesley?"
"Yes, Captain?"
"GET OUT!"
************************
X-Men / Muppets
"Oh, where are they? They're late!"
"Calm down, Kermit -- they said they'd be here."
"But Gonzo, the curtain goes up in 30 seconds!!!"
Fozzie rolls by on a unicycle. "Don't worry, Kermit -- I
have a new act all set to go. AHHHH--!" He falls over. Kermit
looks more worried.
"They promised me a big entrance!" Kermit swallows
hard. "I guess the show must go on. Roll intro."
"It's time to start the music, it's time to light the lights..."
(Oh dear -- where are they?)
"...to put on makeup..."
(They better be here soon -- my ulcer)
"...time to get things started..."
Audience : "Why don't you get things started..."
(Do I have a backup plan? Does Fozzie count?)
"This -- is -- what -- we -- call -- the -- Muppet --
SHOOOOWWWWW!"
(Well -- I guess that's it. Here I go. Starting another show --
guestless.)
"Ladies and gentlemen!" Kermit runs across the stage.
"Have we got a show for you tonight!" He stalls. "A bear is a
bear -- but here at the Muppet Show, we have an
UNICYCLING BEAR!"
"Good grief!" (Old Geezer #1) " I swear this show gets
worse every night."
"Psssst...Kermit!" (Stage whisper from Gonzo) "They're
HERE!"
Kermit goes NUTS! "YEAAAHHHHH --
INTRODUCING THE X-MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
POP as all the lights go out. Kermit is left standing dead
center in the stage.
"Uh, guys?"
BANG FLASH CRASH. Lights stay out as fireworks,
lightning, and earthquakes rock the stage. Brilliant red beams
flash out across the audience. OOPS. Fur, feathers, and felt all
go flying. It's mayhem!!! Muppets are being tossed by hurricane
winds left and right, bodies are flying around, teleporting here and
there.
With one final BOOM everything stops. The X-Men are
left center stage. Flickering, the power comes back on. The
audience appears to be empty. Kermit is nowhere to be seen.
"Do you think we might have overdone it?" It was Storm.
Cyclops shrugged. "He said he wanted a big entrance."
He looked around, taking stock of his team. "Where's Jubil..."
He was interrupted as a small but sturdy figure came
flying out from behind stage. "Kermie!!!! My love! Are you all
right, my sweet green pea?"
Silence as everyone looks wildly around.
"I...I'm all right," a voice echoes from the orchestra pit.
"Kermie?" Miss Piggy strides over. "Where are you?"
"Er...the...uhm...tuba."
"The tuba?"
"It was the nearest cover."
"Humph ! Men! Once again I will save you!"
"Relax, cherie -- de gernouille, 'e is fine."
Miss Piggy turns on Gambit. "Was that French?"
"Mais oui."
"I. Love. French. Men."
Gambit hurriedly backs up as Miss Piggy approaches.
"Speak to me -- garcon!" she demands, holding out her hand.
Gambit hides behind Rogue. He desperately tries to change the
topic: "Mais l'autre, de, uh, frog?"
"Now that I have you -- he is but a gourmet meal.
Nothing more then two legs on a plate to us French souls."
"Heeeelp me..." Kermit's voice drifts over to them.
Gonzo appears -- momentarily taking control. "Is
everyone here all right?"
"Heeelp meeee!"
"Okay, great -- let's get this show back on track."
"U,h excuse me," Jean adds in. "But we seem to be
missing someone."
"Oh really? That's too bad -- (aside: Can someone get
that unicycling bear off the stage before he kills himself?) --
uhmm.. I wouldn't worry. People around here have a way of
showing up."
Meanwhile...up in the seats. Two old heads emerge.
"What was that?"
"Some newfangled idea of that damn frog."
"Think we can still slip out?"
"No luck. Doors are locked."
"Damn. Who is it tonight?"
"Spandex people."
"Honestly -- where does that frog hang out to pick up
these guests?"
"His house!" (Bwaha hahhaha -- they chortle together)
"At least we're safe up here, with all of them down there."
They peer over the edge, not noticing the third head
popping up between them.
"Yo -- old dudes -- what's up?"
****************************
"Okay!" Scooter runs about backstage. "The curtain's
about to go up -- who's ready to go?"
A herd of cows past him by, followed by Gonzo dressed
up as a milkmaid. "It's me...me and my cows. We're doing 'Little
Bo Peep.'"
"Great -- get on out there."
The cows enter stage left.
"Wait -- aren't those supposed to be sheep?"
Meanwhile, up in the balcony seats...
"And just who are you?" (Old Geezer #1)
"I'm Jubilee! I'm an X-Man! Hey, can I get down from
here?"
"Unfortunately No."
"Guess it's just you guys and me then, huh?" Old geezers
look thrilled (SARCASM).
****************************
Little Bo Peep and her cows have just re-exited. The
stage is empty, except the tuba.
"Can someone get me out of here?"
"Psst, Kermit -- you're on."
"Oh dear." There's a small silence as a clipboard pops
out of the tuba. "And next we have an interview with Jean and
Scott. With Sam, the American Eagle."
"First, just let me say what a great pleasure it is to have
real American stars on our show for a change."
"Why, thank you, Sam, the pleasure is all ours."
"Now, Scott, Jean, if I may call you that, what's it like to
be a modern hero?"...
Backstage:
Wolverine is sniffing around. "Sniff sniff...grrrr..."
"GRRRRRRR." Someone answers back.
"GROWLLLLLL! I Wolverine. I destroy."
"I Animal. I Destroy!!!"
(Can we say soulmates?)....
"Hey, Bobby, can I grab you for a second?"
"Only if your name rhymes with 'bogue.'"
Fozzie looks puzzled. "Uhmm...well no."
"Sure, what's up Fozzie?"
"Well, you know I'm a struggling comedian, and I've
heard some of your stuff is pretty good. I was wondering if
Icould use you in my show."
"Sure, no problem Fozzie -- I'd be honored."
"Great...thanks!"
On Stage:
Sam ducks as Jean throws a punch across him.
"What do you mean you loved her?"
"Well, Jean," Scott is trying to hide behind Sam, "I did
marry her and start a family with her."
"So?"
Scott exits a hurried stage right, Jean on his heels.
Sam just stares out after them. "You are all weirdos."
"Thanks, Sam, for another great Muppet Interview!" The
tuba is rolled out, as Kermit's voice echoes out. "Next we have
Fozzie Bear, in an original comic sketch! YAAAA!"
Up in the Balcony...
"The bear's up. This is the worst part."
"You don't have to tell me. You got it?"
"Been saving it." Geezer #2 bends down and reappears a
few seconds later with two glasses and a bottle of Scotch.
"Whoa -- you guys keep a bar up here too?"
"The bear drove us to it. Here have one...you'll need it."
"Gee, thanks guys!"
Meanwhile down on center stage, Fozzie is on a roll:
"So today, we have superheroes as our guests. Well my
question is...what do you do when your power sucks and you are
a wimp? The answer is: Well, you don't join the X-Men, 'cause
they already have Iceman!!!" (bang CRASH on the drum and
cymbals)
"HEY!!" Bobby turns around backstage in bewilderment.
"That bear is cutting me up!"
Floyd: "Well, man. What are you going to do about it?"
"Oh YEAH?! Yeah...well...uhmm...nothing." Man do I
suck. NO! For once I will stand up for myself. I will do
something.
With true determinism, Bobby strides off.
In Gambit's dressing room...
"Come in, de door is open."
Miss Piggy lounges in the doorway in a dangerously low
negligee. "Gambit..."
ACK! Gambit swallows, thinking fast. "Tis a bit cold,
non? for such dishabille?"
"I'm finding it a little warm in here myself."
"Well...uhmm. Gambit must go."
"Go where?"
"Uh uh...e' s' fo'fhy d'fis' jusd. D'accord?" Gambit ducks
out, wondering what he just said and hoping Miss Piggy wasn't
following.
She wasn't, as she was too busy swooning on the floor.
"Oh that accent -- so terrible! French men -- so
delicious."
******************************
"Welcome back to The Muppet Show...with special guest
stars the X-MEN!! YAAAAAAA!
"And now presenting...the Swedish Chef!!!!!"
(Tuba/Kermit exits stage left. Curtain lifts on the Swedish
Chef and Beast.)
"Smir-nir-bor de-boor skih-dish-skih-door"
"Superfluous welcomes and gratituous thanks to our
audience. I and my esteemed college are here to impart to you
our secrets of basting the turkey."
"Smir-nir-dir-boor nir dir mmm-bork!"
"First we must obtain our specimen ..." Beast starts
hunting around. "Ah, here we go... although I would recommend
the audience members following along at home to procure the use
of a dead one."
"Bork! BORK!"
**************
"Kermit!" Gonzo goes running through behind stage.
"The turkeys... Disaster!"
"What now, Gonzo?"
"Remember the killer Thanksgiving turkey from last
episode?"
"Don't remind me."
"Well...Beast just let him loose! He's on a rampage!"
(Gonzo loses it.) "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!" (There's the
sound of stampeding cows.) "MOOOOOOOOO!" (Tuba is
trampled.)
"CURTAIN!!!!"
**************************
Back in the balcony...
Geezer#1: " Hey -- what's happening down there?"
Geezer #2: "Looks like mass mayhem to me. I think the frog
finally bought it."
Geezer #1: "'Bout time. It only took 9,907 stage deaths!"
(Ahhahaha!)
Jubilee: Burp! "What's so funny? I feel funny. Hey... (she spots
the Scotch) ...if you guys are having seconds, can I? What is this
stuff?"
"Nothing." (The two old geezers exchange grins)
Geezer #2: Anyone like some imported cigars?"
"ME ME ME ME!"
*******************************************
A slightly dented tuba wobbles out in front of the curtain
"Uhm...while we are waiting for certain stars to recover
>from that last scene -- the Muppet band is here to entertain!
YAAAAAAA!"
(Band appears from behind the curtain after a few tries...)
Floyd: "That's right -- we are here to groove you to some tunes.
Tell em what you do, Animal..."
Animal: "Animal Eat Drums! Eat Drums!..."
Floyd: "No! Animal! Beat Drums! Beat Drums!"
Animal: "Beat Drums! Beat Drums!!!!"
**********************
Kermit: "Has anyone seen Jubilee?"
Sam: "No."
Kermit: "How about Scott and Jean?"
Sam: "No."
Kermit: "Or Bobby?"
Sam: "No."
Kermit: "Thanks."
Sam: "No problem."
*******************************
"And we interrupt this show to bring you a newsflash!"
(Thunder and lightning crackle across the stage -- DAMN --
wrong show) Sam is reporting...
"This just in... Former accountant Robert Drake has
recently proclaimed himself the next 'human fly' and is currently
climbing the Empire State Building...can we have a close-up,
please?"
The camera zooms in on Bobby halfway up the Empire
State Building, shouting to the camera "I'm worth something!!!!"
He waves. Unfortunately this causes him to slip.
"AGHHHHHHH..."
Sam looks drily on. "Another pointless attempt at fame
felled by circumstance."
CRASH! Bobby comes tumbling through the studio roof
next to Sam. He gets up. "Goddammit, I'm going to accomplish
something today!" He strides off.
Sam looks up at the camera. "And that's the news of the
day..."
*********************
Meanwhile, backstage...
"Gambit...OHHHH Gambit."
(ohh non) "'ello Miss Piggy."
"Oh talk to me, Gambit...your accent does it all for me!"
"C'est vrai?"
"Oui, oui, OUI!"
"Oh." Gambit thinks this over. "In that case I feel I
should inform you that I don't really have an accent."
"QUOI!" Mis Piggy shouts. All the X-Men turn and
stare.
"Well, when I joined the X-Men, and everyone just
presumed that I had an accent. So I faked it. It's been very hard.
It's been my big secret, never allowing me to truly open up
people, forcing me to distance myself...always looking over my
shoulder. You'll never believe the stress it caused when Rogue
absorbed my memories and got a hint at the truth. And
Sinister...dropping all those hints...'You're not what you seem,
Remy...' But now it's out in the open. Maybe for the best.
No one says anything.
"I know just how you feel, *sugER*."
"Rogue! You too?"
"Yes ...it's all been one big charade...from day one!"
"I had no idea!"
"Remy...can we start...again?"
"YES!"
(oh what a happy ending...joy o joy o joy.)
"HUMPH! Men. Who needs them? Oh
Kermieee...about what I said earlier..."
****************************
Back on the balcony...
Jubilee: (Exhaling a large puff of smoke) "Hey, thanks for sharing,
you guys! Man, what's going on now?"
Geezer#2: "The best part of the entire show."
Geezer#1: "What's that?"
Geezer#2: "The ending!!!!" (BWHAHAHAHAH)
******************************************
Kermit sits alone in his tuba.
Why me? he wonders. When people go on other tonight
shows
-- they don't have these problems. Guests don't vanish, go insane
(what was Bobby doing?!), the staff is organized, the comedians
are funny, the support actors act, poultry and other livestock stays
under control. He sighed. Sometimes it seemed he was the only
frog with these difficulties.
"Kermit...Animal is eating the drums again..."
Kermit waves a hand tiredly from the tuba: "Send out
Logan."
"Okay..."
BANG CRASH THUD "ARGGGGHHHHH"
"OGGGGHHHHHH" "ARGGGGGHHHH"
"OGHHHHHHHHH"
Scooter reappears. "Good call, Kermit! Problem
solved. Hey..." He peers into the instrument. "Are you all right in
there?"
"Yes...it's just that things never seem to work out the way
they're supposed to."
"It's not that bad, Kermit...at least we kept Fozzie down
to one act tonight. C'mon...the closing act is about to start...are
you going to introduce us?"
"There's a closing show?"
"Yep"
"Well that's good...hopefully. Has Bobby shown up yet?"
"Last we heard he's trying out to be the next human
torch."
"Hmmm... The show must go on -- right? Be there in a
second. Before this show is over I will get OUT of this TUBA.
Someone call Miss Piggy. If anyone can do it, she can!"
*****************************************
Laughter drifts over the balcony seats...
"AHAHHAHAHHA...snort...AHAHAHAHA...!"
On stage below, preparing for the grand finale, Beast
looks around in amazement. "Does that sound like Jubilee to
anyone else? JUBILEE!!! WHERE ARE YOU?"
"Up here, Hankster!" She waves down at them.
"Quick, Rogue, get her down and away from those
scuzzy old men. Plus, she'll be just in time for the closing show!"
Rogue flies up and grabs Jubilee.
***************************
"Ladies and gentlemen!!!" Kermit hobbles out onto the
stage, permanently bent in the shape of a tuba, but under his own
power. Miss Piggy can do ANYTHING! "Well, it has been
quite a show, hasn't it?"
Geezer #1: "Could have been better."
Geezer #2: "Only 'cause it couldn't have been worse!"
(AHAHAHHAHA!)
Kermit, ignoring them: "And introducing, as a final scene,
the historic battle between the French and the English at
Waterloo!!! YAAAA!"
Kermit exits. Curtain rises on the battlefield.
"Okay, team -- ATTACK!!!" Scott directs the X-
Men/English. "Take to the air!"
Bobby appears out of nowhere, leaping out from the
audience. Somehow he got his hands on Cable's gun.
"Out of my way!" he snarls. "I'm bear-hunting today."
Fozzie makes an abrupt exit stage right.
"I don't care what the stupid history book says, Scooter!
I'm not losing to a bunch of spandex-clad accent fakers!" Miss
Piggy takes charge of the French. "We're re-writing history
today, people! Charge! And extra doubloons to whoever brings
me Gambit's head on a stick!"
"Scott...uh...Duke of Wellington...they are not retreating.
The script said they are supposed to retreat!"
"That's okay...we'll just use Jean's T.K. JEAN!!"
"Bad news, Scott...Jean's defected!"
"WHAT!? Well, at least we have our fliers!"
Meanwhile ...on the opposite side...
"We need some anti-aircraft fire, Miss Piggy...er,
Napoleon!"
"Just do it!" she bellows back.
" Okaaaay...ready, Gonzo?"
"Ready." He adjusts his flight goggles.
"3...2...1!!!" Scooter lights the wick on the 19th-century
cannon prop. BANG. With a burst of light and sound Gonzo is
Up Up and AWAY!
{Just take a break and picture this...arms waving, Muppet
screaming, and then THUNK as he impacts on Rogue! It just
cracks me up every time.}
"First one launched. And...HIT! We have a hit! Over."
Back in the control room, everyone breaks out cheering -
- the ones on radar throw their headsets into the air and start
slapping each other on the back.
"Send more! More volunteers!"
Everything is just going nuts! Muppets are being fired up
into the air left, right and center.
"ahhh..."
"argghhh"
"yeeehhhh"
SMACK BANG CRASH
Armed to the teeth...Bobby is a man on a mission.
Jubilee was the first casualty, having tripped over her
shoelaces and then once fallen unable to get up.
Gambit never had a hope. Realising this, he sought refuge
in the organ (my, these large musical instruments come in handy).
Animal and Wolverine are having the time of their lives.
Together, they've broken away and formed the renegade Prussian
army!
Scott, meanwhile, is being distracted by Miss Piggy's
nefarious plan to have every single Muppet who goes near him
scream "I'm a Summers!" He loses it and breaks down
completely.
Of course, his breakdown is nothing compared to the one
Kermit is having backstage. And of course this is nothing
compared to the fit the two old geezers are having up in the
balcony. They even lose their TEETH they are laughing so hard!
And it gets even crazier!!!! Now the orchestra gets
involved, and the audience, annoyed at the abuse they've been
putting up with all night, decide to fight back. Everyone rushes to
the stage...it's just one giant crowd of limbs and color.
"CURTAIN, CURTAIN!" But there is no one left to
hear Kermit.
A frog with a plan (Mission Impossible music here -- yes,
I think in stereo surround-sound too), he leaps his way over and
with a manly scream of triumph brings the curtain crashing down.
DEAD SILENCE.
The curtain moves gently...a green body emerges
...staggering out, he waves weakly to the nonexistent audience.
"H...hope to see...you ...alllll next week. When special
guest stars...the Tick visits our showw....." THUNK. Kermit
passes out.
Sam steps out over him and surveys the wrecked theater
with a frown.
"I've said it before and I'll say it again. You people are all
freaks. Good night from Sam the Eagle on the Muppet Show
Tonight."
THE END
N.
samihail@novice.uwaterloo.ca
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
"If you are normal like me -- and I assume you are -- then you
were appalled by the previous skit. This is why I am pleased to
present.......Wayne and Wanda!" Sam the American Bald Eagle
--
(
geocities.com/soho)