What advice would you offer someone
new to BDSM ?

These answers were originally sent to the SinCityDsNetwork yahoo message board. The information is of value to Dominants and submissives alike, but is categorized into sections starting with the advice for all, then the advice for Dominants. Advice for submissives will be added soon!

To both Dominants and submissives

The first thing I advise is for the P/person to know and understand themselves, then examine the reason and motives they have for entering the lifestyle and do a reality check of what they expect from it.If you don't own and control yourself first, then you can neither own and control another or give that ownership and control to another.

Regards,
SGM

My advice is really for both Dominants and submissives. I wish people would start out by being themselves and not trying to live up to the "ideal" they perceive to be "expected" of their chosen role within the BDSM framework. I also advise not letting the BDSM "Lifestyle" consume one's life. When new, immersing ones' self in everything BDSM is to be expected; however, there is more to life than BDSM. Continue to enjoy every facet of your life, don't give up all of life's other little pleasures in order to accommodate someone else, incorporate them into a fully rounded relationship if a relationship is what you're striving for.

I believe it's common for new people to want to get as much knowledge as they possibly can, as quickly as they can when they realize what it is they've been feeling and that there are, in fact, others who share their mindset. I'm not saying this is wrong, knowledge is rarely a bad thing, only that if you like to go to baseball games, or the theater or even sing in your church choir it's O.K. to continue to do those things too. One doesn't have to give up one's more generic pursuits in order to live the "Lifestyle." Giving up what one loves breeds resentment and relationships cannot flourish on that basis until one is ready to give things up as a display of devotion - that takes time. Grow into it... don't be consumed by it.

Secondly I advise new people not to try to live up to anyone else's example. One is no "better" or "worse" because they can endure a higher level of pain or for a longer period of time. There is no shame in using safe-words, they're there to help communicate until partners need no words between them, gritting one's teeth and failing to use them when needed doesn't make one brave or tough, only stupid. Conversely, one is not a better Top if one can elicit a safe-word from a submissive. Taking them to the edge, gauging body language, letting them back down - then taking them up again shows far more control and expertise.

Lastly, just because a person attends a munch doesn't mean they are "safe." Be extremely cautious when meeting people in ALL settings including BDSM. Would you take someone you just met in a singles bar home? Likely you wouldn't. In this BDSM world there are always the nefarious few who hang on around the edges, they appear to be known and a part of the group but that's not always the case, appearances can be deceiving. Don't forget there are *gasp* Sadists among us who don't care if you safe word from here to kingdom come, they enjoy hurting people. Ask around, find out if the host of the event can vouch for the person you've met or know of others who can, always use safe-calls/protocol on first meetings, don't allow yourself to be bound on a first meeting, don't rely on a first-time "date" for a ride, have your own wheels. There are many more don'ts that I'd be happy to forward privately upon request... the bottom line with all these don'ts is this - DO be safe.

Warm Regards,
Cassy

 

To Dominants

Something which occured with me when scening with a fairly new Dom to the lifestyle was how important a safeword is to both parties involved. We always hear about how important using a safeword for a submissive is, and how important it is for a Dom/Domme to stop and regroup at this point. This helps to build trust. Yet, it also helps the new Dom/Domme in learning as well. Perhaps they haven't quite learned to read the body language where a more experienced Dom/Domme may have realized to slow down a bit. If a sub/bottom uses a safeword, then perhaps the new Dom/Domme will have learned to correlate a certain body language they viewed before the safeword was used, with the need to slow down a bit. This then gives them experience to draw from in the future. In learning to fine tune the reading of a submissive, they will also learn how each submissive is different. One may have a similar body language with medium play, yet another won't exhibit it until heavier play is done. This then will come in handy as they venture out and scene more, and perhaps scene with a new submissive who might not want to safeword, as they feel it makes them or the Dom/Domme look bad.

debbie

I started as a bottom....and thank goodness I learned a great deal in the dynamics of that relationship. Including, but not limited to: emotional reactions, toy implications, mental stability, financial reprocussions (and yes there are!), RESPONSIBILITIES, communication levels, personality differences, and most important of all, the importance of trust, dedication, loyalty and education. Compatibility on all of these levels are a must. Because I personally have experienced the "submissive" state I know what each one of my subs go through at one point and time during their duration with Me.

I still learn from My desires and needs as well. Allowing yourself the open, non-judgemental mind is EXTREMELY important. Every submissive is not for every Dominant nor is every Dominant for every submissive. W/we all have our own styles and abilities that draw another to another. That open mind should also allow for the CONTINUOUS education of ones self. To strive for perfection that can never be truly obtained is admirable, but to admit that perfection is unreachable is perfection in itself. EDUCATION, TOLERANCE and PATIENCE are probably the Big 3 with Me.....something I strive for every day even though I know I am not walking on water......nor probably ever will. I am human as we all are....

Lady DeVill

Advice for new Dominants

1. Acceptance. You don't have to understand or agree with another's fetish(es), yet you should accept it as something that is as equally important to them as yours are
to you.

2. Humility. One must realize and accept that they are no better or worse than another, simply because they are male or female, Top or bottom, new or experienced. One is simply a different person, at a different place in the path of BDSM knowledge. You'll never be the grand pooh bah of BDSM, so don't act like it. When you stop learning, you stop living. It's lonely up there on your own pedestal. Get a good grip on that high horse you're riding, for chances are that someone will come along and knock your ass off of it.

3. Humor. We do this because we LIKE it, correct? Because it is something we enjoy. So take fun in it. ENJOY the experience. Don't get your panties in a wad over every little thing. It doesn't necessarily make you a strict Top/bottom; Sometimes it just makes you overly dramatic and insecure.

4. Diversity. This goes along with My acceptance entry. We may all have many things in common, but we are all individuals with different needs, wants, likes and dislikes. Something Joe Schmoe may like may not be to My liking, but as long as it is Safe Sane and Consensual, My theory is whatever floats their boat.

5. LEARN AND GROW! Never stop learning, never stop growing, never stop experiencing. Buy books, ask friends, watch scenes and interactions. Not only might you learn some good BDSM skills, you might just learn some good social skills.

6. Know your experiences and limits. I think every public scene should have a sign that says "Don't attempt this at home: This is being practiced by trained individuals." Just because you have read about it or seen it done once doesn't make you experienced in practicing the activity. ONLY practice activities on another individual that you have studied practiced and researched, and are aware of the
risks and complications involved. As a bottom, your partner is literally putting their life in your hands. Treat it like the cherished and prized possession that it is.

DISCLAIMER: These are only MY thoughts and practices.
In Life Love and Leather,

Sir Packin

 

An example: One of the things discussed at the party was specifically about maintaining control during different kinds of play. The advice was to always keep your focus on the bottom/sub/slave...to pay complete attention to them and to their reactions. Including but not limited to their: facial expressions, breathing, circulation, noises, skin condition etc etc etc.

To thine own self be true....be honest with yourself about who you are and what you want, be realistic about the fact that you are only human and don't take on the unrealistic burden of trying to be perfect. Remember that Dominance is just as much a gift as submission is, and be choosy about who you bestow your gift upon.

and

Ask a potential partner serious questions about their health, medications, and physical abilities and be aware of the risks and the adaptations that may be implicated by them.

vegas_vixen

Back to SCDsN home page