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Computer Humor
Here are some humorous items
found around the net and here and there. Enjoy!
Theorems and Axioms
BOVE'S THEOREM
The remaining work required in order to finish a project increases
as the deadline approaches.
BROOK'S LAW
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
CANADA BILL JONES' MOTTO
It's morally wrong to allow naive end users to keep their money.
CANN'S AXIOM
When all else fails, read the instructions.
CLARK'S THIRD LAW
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from Magic.
DEADLINE DAN'S DEMO DEMONSTRATION
Every task takes twice as long as you think it will take.
If you double the time you think it will take, it will actually
take four times as long.
DEMIAN'S OBSERVATION
There is always one item on the screen menu that is mislabeled
and should read "ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE."
DR. CALIGAR'S COMEBACK
Disk errors occur only after you've done several hours of work
without making a backup.
THOMAS WATSON'S LAW
No matter how large and standardized the marketplace,
IBM can re-define it.
The spider
Q. What creature has the best aptitude for engineering
?
A. The spider -- It has its own website.
Windows 98
Brooklyn Edition
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the
Brooklyn
version of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside New York. If you have one
of the Brooklyn editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
- The Brooklyn edition may be recognized by looking at the
opening screen.
- It reads WINDAS 98 with a background picture of the East River
with a floating body. It is shipped with a 'NYPD BLUE'
screensaver.
- Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled 'Garbetch'
- My Computer is called 'My Freakin Computer,'
- Dialup Networking is called 'Good Fellas',
- Control Panel is known as the 'da Tote Board,'
- Hard Drive is referred to as 'da trunk', and....
- Floppies are them 'little Freakin plastic disc tings'.
OTHER FEATURES:
* Instead of an error message you get a winda covered
with steel bars and Grafitti.
* OK= do it I tell ya
* Cancel = heck no
* Reset = dis is ya last chance
* Yes = a kay
* No = na
* Find = turn dis place ova
* Insert = stick it in dere
* Delete = rub it out
* Help = can I get some help here
* Stop = ya betta quit it
* Start = let's get a move on
* Settings = da Fix
* Programs = stuff
* Documents = stuff dat I already done
Also note that windas 98 does not recognize capital letters or
punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to windas 98:
- Secritary...........A word processor
- Pitcha maker.......a Graphics program
- Numbers......calculator
- Scratch paper......notepad
- Boom-box............CD player
- Da Web............Microsoft Explorer
- pitchas.............A graphics viewer
- IRS.................M/S accounting software
- IRS2................M/S accounting software with hidden files
- Bookie.....Race track records tax records..usually an empty file
- graffiti...screen saver
- Red Light District....Internet connection
- Vinni's...... Discount computer repairs
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received
a copy of the Brooklyn edition. You may return it to Microsoft
for a replacement version.
The following are new
Windows messages that are under consideration
for the planned Windows 2000:
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10) This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
11) To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22) Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23) If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future
creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24) Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware
manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message
is now required as you save your files in Word. "Word has detected that you
don't wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with
potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word
file anyway?"
25) Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted.
The police are on the way.
What is the difference
between a used-car salesman and a computer salesman?
The used-car salesman knows when he's lying
to you!
Hardware Question of the Day
A dealer calls
in, having problems with the interrupt jumpers on a bus mouse card. After I informed this
person that jumper information is on page 9 of the Mouse User's Guide, and gave the proper
jumper setting, the dealer said: "Can you hold on while I give it a try?"
The telephone clicked against
the desk on the other end as the receiver was set down. The following conversation ensued:
(in whispers)
"He's right. It is on
page 9."
"I told you to look in
the book."
"I know, I know. He's
still on the line. You talk to him."
"I didn't call him. I
didn't screw up. You talk to him."
"Why don't you just hang
it up. Maybe he won't notice."
"Okay."
Cluck. Click. Buzz (dial
tone).
Microsoft Mayhem
I once got an
especially helpful reply to a question I asked on Microsoft's on-line tech support
service. I wrote back to thank them for a complete and concise reply, and said how much I
appreciated it.
The next day I had a response:
"We are looking into the problem and
will contact you with a solution as soon as possible."
Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
It wasn't IBM compatible.
3 Guys Driving a Car
A computer salesman, a hardware engineer, and a software engineer are driving in
a car together. Suddenly the right rear tire blows out, and the car rolls to a stop. Our
three heroes pile out to investigate.
The salesman tsk-tsks sadly. "Time to
buy a new car!" he announces.
Says the hardware engineer, "Well, first
let's try swapping the front and rear tires, and see if that fixes it."
Replies the software engineer, "Naw,
let's just try driving the car again, and maybe the problem will go away by itself."
A Dumb Mathematician Joke
There was a
mad scientist (a mad SOCIAL scientist) who kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a
physicist, and a mathematician, and locked each of them in separate cells with plenty of
canned food and water but no can opener.
A month later, returning, the
mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty. The engineer had
constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make
an explosive,and escaped.
The physicist had worked out
the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall.
She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
The mathematician had stacked
the unopened cans into a surprising solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse
was propped calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood:
THEOREM: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
PROOF: Assume the opposite ...
A Doctor, An Engineer and A
Programmer Debate
...about the doctor,
engineer, and programmer who were debating what the world's oldest profession was (other
than the obvious one)? The doctor said that medicine was the oldest because the Lord
performed surgery in the removal of Adam's rib. The engineer countered that before that
act, the Lord had performed feats of engineering by creating the earth and heavens from
nothing.
The doctor conceded that the engineer was
right and that engineering was indeed the oldest profession. But then the programmer
interjected that programming was even older. He was chided by both the doctor and the
engineer saying that engineering had to be the oldest, because before the Lord engineered
the earth and heavens, there was nothing, only the Great Void, only Chaos!
The programmer simply smiled and said:
"Where do you think the Chaos came
from?"
SYDNEY, Australia (NB)--A friend of Newsbytes swears that the following is a true
story:
After buying a PC from a
dealer of shady shady repute, the luckless customer unpacked his new toy and plugged it in
to find it Dead On Arrival.
Naturally, after checking the
usual things, he called the dealer and explained his problem. First question from
Deviously Evasive Dealer: "Did you check to see whether the power was on?"
"Of course."
DED: "Did you open the
cover and check whether any of the boards had shaken loose in shipping?"
"Of course."
DED: Then why are you calling
me?"
"Well, you sold it to me
and there has to be some kind of warranty," pleaded the frustrated purchaser.
"Of course there
is," replied the DED, "But you voided the warranty when you opened the
cover."
Have some computer
humor you'd like to share?
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