Dear kiwi,
My
mum puts me outside on a chain. She goes away to work somewhere. She won't
take me. She says I am rowdy. I try to be good but I am still a puppy.
I do not like chains. I get bored and lonesome!
Can
you help me?
XXXXOOOO
Rolly
Dear Rolly,
It never fails to astonish me that in this day of enlightenment there is still such rampant discrimination based on sizism. You see, even before I saw your picture, I just KNEW I would find you were a BIG puppy. I mean when was the last time you saw a toy poodle or a shih tzu on a chain? Do they think that because a dog is large he has no feelings? You are living proof that isn't so.
But do not despair. Your large size and mushy sad face will guarantee you excellent results if you will just apply the "Kiwi Technique" for getting unchained. You will find it described here.
I can guarantee that if you will follow my advice you will find yourself spending your mum's work hours at the Yuppy Puppy Day Care in your area within the week.
Be
patient and work hard at it.
Love,
Kiwi
Dear
Kiwi, 
I have read your view on a dog's place and know you think we should all live where our people live. My mother and father invite me into the house but I always find it much too warm. I am more comfortable out in my dog house though I must admit it is lonely.
What would you do in my position?
Sincerely,
Siska
Dear Siska,
You are in a DOG HOUSE and you ask what I would do in your position!?! I would never be in that position!
The answer to your predicament is obvious. Your parents need to turn down the heat and wear sweaters. I am rarely too warm myself but on the hot summer days if my parents notice me panting, they turn on the fan for me. It seems that is the very least a dog might expect.
You should show your parents this letter. They sound like well intentioned folk who just need a little guidance.
Kiwi
Dear Kiwi,
Mommie "helped" me create a website of my very own. Well now I can't get her off the stupid thing! If I want some additional play time or to answer my own e-mail, it is like pulling teeth.(And I had two baby ones pulled last October and that was no fun!) What do you recommend?
Eagerly
awaiting your reply,
Dear Piper,
You would be shocked to know how many times each week I hear this same complaint! Before I answer your question I should tell you that I visited your website so I would know a little bit more about you. It is a good thing I did because otherwise I would probably have started giving you tips about how to demand attention in a cute and charming way. I see though that you are already a total pro at that so I will move on to other things.
I think your mom is taking your affectionate disposition for granted. You are going to have to steel yourself and get tough with her if you want to win her away from this monster machine. Here is what you must do. Play hard to get with her. Go cuddle up with your dad. Follow him everywhere he goes. (He will love this because he is probably feeling neglected too right now.) If your mum demands that you come to her, do it but at the first opportunity go back to your dad. She will find this very upsetting. It will make her jealous and she will think she is losing your affection.
I had to resort to this for awhile with my mum and I can tell you she came around in no time at all. Dad would say he would walk me so she could play with her computer and she would be up in arms....."She is MY dog! I will walk her!" Dad and I had the last laugh. That was what we wanted anyway.
I think you will find this will work for you. Do try it and let me hear how it goes,
Good luck,
Kiwi
Dear
Kiwi,
My dad says I am a pit bull. And one day he took me to a dog show where some nice people gave me a test called Canine Good Citizen and Therapy Dog tests. I passed them and everyone gave me big hugs and I licked all their faces alot! I was so excited! Then a little girl came to me and gave me big hugs and kisses, and I loved that, too! But her mommy got real scared for some reason and grabbed that nice little girl away and yelled at my dad to get that vicious dog away from her daughter. Why did she do that? How can I show people I'm not mean like those dogs on the news?
Lavish licks from,
Jackson
Dear Jackson,
It is hard for intelligent and sensitive dogs like us to understand this kind of blind prejudice but if we want to help this poor misguided woman and the child she is training, I guess we have to try.
Have you looked in the paper? There is a bad dog story about once or twice a year. Lots of different breeds of dogs get into trouble, but in the first story about the incident they always have to mention that someone thought the dog was a pit bull cross. In follow up articles they will often mention that it was another kind of dog but by then the damage to our reputation is already done. It is very annoying.
If people are going to base their views on the sensational accounts they read in papers though, I can't help noticing that while you will wait for months to hear of an incident with a bad dog, you will be sure to find in each and every edition of the paper several stories about vicious people. It would make more sense if this woman had warned her child about going near any people. So you see there is not much point in trying to reason her kind out of these prejudices, since they do not make any sense in the first place.
So you ask, then what is a sensible dog to do? Well, Jackson, I think you do just what you were doing this day. You get your boss to take you out to meet the world. You behave impeccably and after awhile if enough of us do that, people will start to realize they are being pretty silly about this thing. Prejudice and bigotry thrives when there is never a chance to compare the image with the reality.
It will take time but some people are coming around already. The Veterinarians Association has come out and said that this pit bull hype is unwarranted. If we just stay in their faces enough, the rest of the world will come around before too long. In the mean time, do we really care? I mean that woman's manners were DEPLORABLE. I would not want to associate with her anyway.
So you just congratulate yourself on passing all those tests. You did us all proud!
Love,
Kiwi
Dear
Kiwi,
I'm so glad to find yer advice column, cuz I need some help with my little brother, Eli. As I think you know, he's kind of a bully, ya see, and I let him boss me around. I'm older than him, and I got adopted first, but as soon as he walked in the door, he was pushin me around. This is especially embarrassing because I weigh in at 55 lbs, and he weighed only 10 at the time. I know, pathetic.
So anyway, I let Eli get away with murder--stealing the bed, my toys, and even sometimes my cookies. Now he tips the scales at 75 lbs, and all hope is lost, it seems. Yup. He's got me beat. He just gives me that big, mean look, and I go running to my Lady for a comforting butt rub.
So tell me, Kiwi, is there anything I can do? I'm scared to fight back now that he's so big. I suck up to my humans a lot, and they sometimes give me special privel... uh, priva... uh,they let me do stuff Eli can't. But it only helps sometimes.
I'm not saying I wanna be a top dog or nuthin--I just wanna be able to chew my own bones every now and again.
Poochsmooches from your admirer,
Zeke the red dog
P.S. The Lady wants me to tell you she LOVES the picture of you snoozing!!
Dear Zeke,
It really is a dog eat dog world isn't it? I guess it is too late for you to pounce on Eli and nip his ears.....that's how you whip them into shape when they are young. Getting your lady to side with you against Eli is probably not a great idea either because it will just make him more determined to show who is boss. (I would say though that you will probably find the best place to chew a bone is sitting under her chair.)
I really think that the best solution now would be for you to arrange to have someone steal Eli. If you have read my page about choosing a family you will know that was how we resolved these bullying problems in our family.
If you can't persuade anyone to steal the "little" brute then could I suggest some "time outs"? When Bella (my adult daughter) stays here for days, as she does sometimes, I find that splitting up the pack now and then makes the visit much more tolerable. When the mister is going out and you are invited, if Eli is going, why don't you stay home and have some quality time with the lady? Or maybe leave Eli at home and just you and the mister go out. It may not solve the problem but it will make it much easier to live with.
Even an underdog needs to be top dog sometimes.
Hope you find this of some assistance.
Love and XXXXX
Kiwi
P.S. Please thank your lady for her kind comments on my photo. My technical assistant thought it took too long to load so she put it at the bottom of the "Ask" page thinking by the time you finished filling in the form the picture would have loaded. I hope it worked that way. K.
My dog Buddy is turning into a delinquent. Every day when my wife and I get home from work we find our yard littered with things he has stolen from the neighbours. He is getting a really bad reputation around our area. Any suggestions?
Ray
Dear Ray,
I am glad we have a picture of Buddy. I think my readers need to be prepared should he "visit." Obviously Buddy is becoming a thieving puppy because he is deprived of the constant companionship and salutary guidance which is best provided by having an at home mother or father.
Either you or your wife should quit your job and stay home with your dog. If you cannot manage that then proper day care arrangements need to be made. If you do that, you and your wife should still be prepared to devote your evenings and weekends to spending quality time with Buddy.
You will all be much happier if you follow this advise.
Sincerely,
Kiwi
Dear
Kiwi,I am a 4 year old chihuahua and I like to think I have my mom wrapped
around my little paw. My problem is my mommy travels a lot
to visit gramma and auntie who live so far away. I miss her terribly
when she is gone. I won't even eat unless my dad gives me some
of his food. I hate it when she leaves me but I hate that long trip
to see gramma too. How can I get my mom to stay home and stop travelin'
so much? Better yet, do you have any advice on how to get my gramma
and auntie to come and live by me? I miss them very much!
xo, Pepe
Dear Pepe,
This tendency that humans have to let their packs get split up and scattered all over a country is very hard for a dog to understand. I think you are on the right track to solving the problem already. Just do not give up. This is a big project and may take a little time. The not eating is good......you might even refuse your dad's food too and then act a little weak so that he has to call your mom and she as to come home early. That is really a nuisance. She will think twice before leaving you again if you do that.
When my grandpa and grandma lived a long way away my mom used to phone them lots and always invite them to come stay at our house. We would all be very happy to see them and then we would act very sad when they left. Last spring, mum decided to make grandma and grandpa a book about our town. She got lots of ads for houses and apartments and she got a map of our town and marked on it all the things they would need or find interesting. She got lists of doctors and clinics and things like that so they would know that we could take good care of them. She got the bulletin from the local seniors' center to show all the fun things they did.
Guess what?! My grandma and grandpa moved here this June. Now I get to see them all the time. Do you think this might work for you? Why don't you give it a try. Let me know how it works.
Love,
Kiwi.
Dear
Kiwi,
Is there a way to train humans to stay out of your favorite chair or to atleast move when you're ready to sit there?
The tall 2-legged at our house is always sitting in my chair, right, usually when I'm ready for my evening nap before bedtime. I look up at him, paw at him and poke him with my nose trying get to him move but he just doesn't seem to take a hint. I think we have one of those slow learning 2 legged's. Should I try a squirt gun approach on him. Maybe if he gets squirted on the nose he'll get the idea. What approach would you take?
Sincerely.... Rudy
Dear Rudy,
I am sorry but I do not understand what the problem is. If the male 2-legged is sitting in your chair then there is an available lap, right? Why would you want to sit on a plain chair when you could sit on your chair and a cozy lap at the same time? That is certainly what I would do. If you find it hard to get comfortable, you might want to check my lap dog page to see how it is done.
Sincerely,
Kiwi
