The Quest for Questions
We thank you for taking the time to ask your questions. We thrive on believer questions; they make up the bulk (and we do mean BULK) of the content through which we wade as we attempt to build our personal inventory. We spend time on each question to consider if it is worth both the time and the effort to question, and if it deserves to be answered. This is not a time-consuming process.
After many long sleepless nights, we in the Dead Zone arrived at the decision that instead of answering one of the many fashion-, take home quiz-, meaning of life/death-, and/or "name that thing in which floss is kept"-questions which we are constantly receiving from you, the believer, we would both develop and offer, in association with "The Ministry of Truth" (which, in turn, happened to be in association with both "The Centres for the Dissemination of Misinformation (more widely known as 'The CDM')" and "Geoh!cities"), an exciting yet self-rewarding, newly improved (patented;) 5-step program entitled,
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in hopes that we could assist you on your quest to understand the nature of humanity.
The revolutionary feature that sets this program both above and beyond the other "-step program"s is that this one requires more than 58% less spiritual journeying than the "12-s".
Now you can carry our micro-compact meditations with you just about anywhere! Hands-Free! Email us (toll-free) at the address below for more information.
- Step #1. You must question your very existence.
Step
Okay now, no cheating. You must do this on your own. Your existence does not involve anyone else...well, okay, it probably does involve others since you need help questioning the world which surrounds you. Okay, let's try this...Pretend that you are someone with which we (here in the Dead Zone) would actually spend time (
Meaning: you question things, you do not just follow guys named Chad or gals named Brooke (note: trait here mentioned is gender-specific), and/or you came this fucking far into this site), and ask your self this question...
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(Reminder: "Where" not "When" (side note: cheating will result in immediate death)).
- Step #2. You must question your intelligence.
Step
I can imagine this being somewhat difficult for many of our believers for any number of reasons. Following are just a few of that number:
- If you do not possess intelligence (and we are assuming that you do not), then you have nothing to be questioned.
- If you do not have intelligence then you have nothing with which to question said lack of intelligence (see above).
- Step #3. You must question your self-worth.
Step
We in the Dead Zone understand that this is another tough one. Tough for you. Easy for us. You have absolutely no self-worth. We've been monitoring your level of morality for the past few weeks and we have determined that you, more likely than not, have no admirable qualities. So you may want to start from there. (Happy Searching!)
- Step #4. You must question your importance.
Step
(By importance we mean your importance to anyone anywhere.)
- Breathing Exercise A: Inhale a can of our vitamin-enriched "Canned Air™" ("Canned Air™" now comes in five new choke-quenching colors***) and spend the majority of your time in between each slow and calm exhalation questioning your importance to the Dead Zone. You will find that as you focus on questioning your importance while simultaneously breathing "Canned Air™*," the world will go on without you, especially the Dead Zone.
Hmmm...I guess we have completed this step for you. And we understand that if you had problems with Step #2, you will probably remain puzzled by this one for a while not realizing that we have answered the question for you. But, we guarantee you that once you have asked your friends for the answer and they have told you that no one gives a shit about you, you still will have not realized that you have cheated until they tell you that you have done so. At this point, you will believe that you have cheated and that we do not know, but the fact of the matter is that we do. We know because we were first to help you cheat. Do you understand what this means? No? Well then we guess that we will go ahead and tell you. It means that you must die (see above). Now!
The Dead Zone has attempted to help millions of sufferers of generial disease worldwide for 365.25 days out of each year. Unfortunately, we must admit that our success rate has not been that great. According to our extensive laboratory-based research, no one seems to possess enough self-worth and/or intelligence to make it completely through to the end of the plan**. It has been rumoured that the data was biased because we only offer centres in America. Oh well.
*It has recently been speculated that "Canned Air™" consists of 90% ALC./VOL.
**Will power was also found to be a variable of significant difference.
***We have specially turbo-engineered our air to take on different vibrant colors, for your personal existential enjoyment!
***
Colors: CardioPulmonary-Resuscitating Copper, Gasp-for-Oxygen-ing Gold, Asphyxiating Aqua, Strangulation Silver, Choked-on-vomit Violet.
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And introducing "Canned Mood Air™", which responds to your many moods, much like when chameleons respond to your moods, except that this is air.
teleport my ignorant corpse back to the dead zone.
complaints shouldnt be sent to (but should be expected from):
badheadache@hotmail.com
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