by Tanya Petersen*
Simple translations of this page by AltaVista:
I was 5 when I initiated my first homosexual experience. We continued to play the "game" for several years, even after my mother caught us. Although that is when I realized it wasn't good. So guilt and shame entered the equation. My friend moved away and I stopped playing the "game," but the desire remained. I was molested by my brother and another young man as a pre-teen, but I kept that secret, too.
As I got older I realized there was a nasty name for girls who played the "game" with each other. It terrified me. I could not let others know what lurked inside. I dated heterosexually in high school. I kept my secret buried deep. Then I was date-raped. It broke me in a way I cannot even describe. I felt dead. I wanted to die. Telling my parents was not any comfort. They were only concerned that I did not become pregnant and humiliate the family. Another secret.
I simply gave up all feelings. I denied myself the luxury of caring for anything or anyone, including myself. My heart hardened. I spent the next decade living the gay lifestyle in a big city, far from home.
I have always loved reading. I had so many questions, so many things I did not understand. Reading helped me find answers. I developed the habit of researching anything I didn't understand, especially human relations and addictions. In the process I began to see there were other people who felt as I did and some of the reasons why. When I began to read the Book of Mormon earnestly, I found it contained such truths. Truths I had thirsted for. I read for 7-8 hours at a time, not caring to eat or sleep. Feelings began to stir. For the first time in years I cared. I read example after example of people who committed whoredoms, yet God remained the same, very loving.
The night before my baptism I reflected on my yearnings for other women, my cravings for alcohol and wondered how I would ever be able to resist. I told Heavenly Father I didn't know how I was going to resist, but I knew I had to be baptized. I left it up to Him. The waters of baptism washed away my previous sins. Heavenly Father gave me a special gift. He removed any desire for alcohol. The feelings for other women, however remained.
I continued to read the Book of Mormon 3-4 hours every day. I came upon Alma 39:5... "these things are an abomination in the of the Lord"... I hated the thought of being an abomination. I wanted to be loved, not reviled. I stopped thinnking of other women and severed all contacts with my gay women friends. I did not trust myself to maintain non-sexual relations. I began to cultivate healthy relationships with other sister in the Church. A firm foundation was set. I began to rebuild my life.
One afternoon I had another, all-too-familiar argument with my father. When he left, I grabbed the Book of Mormon and read through my tears. As I was reading, a warm and wonderful feeling came over me. I actually felt Heavenly Father hug me and say, "Look not to your earthly father for comfort and approval, for he is not able. Look unto me, your Father who has always loved you and will comfort you." This was a turning point in my life. I really felt loved. It helped me resist many urges.
There have been good years and bad days and bad years and good days. My SSA has been like a roller-coaster ride.
Once when I was put on bishop's probation (for a masturbation problem), the bishop told me to read The Miracle of Forgiveness by Spencer W. Kimball. In doing so I found his test of conviction, page 161, a guideline I would ask myself many times in the years to come. It says in part...
I have made it a rule when I have any troubles with masturbation, I immediately begin the checklist. If I had been reading my scriptures for 15 minutes a day, then I read for an hour. If I was saying my prayers twice a day, then I did them 4 times. I look for ways to perform more service, and more ways of excluding the world's negative influences. It works.
It has been 43 years since that first homosexual experience. For the past 18 years, I have been able to be in any woman's company and not have an unchaste thought remain. Yes, some thoughts do fly threw my mind occasionally, but they never get to land. Once or twice a year I fail to resist the urge to masturbate. So I am still working.
I believe time is one of our greatest tools in dealing with our SSA. Time to repent. Time to learn more of what Heavenly Father wants of us. Time to understand ourselves. Time to heal the wounds inflicted so many years ago. Time to strenghten our faith, hope and courage .Time to begin new and healthy habits. Time to love yourself. Time. It takes a lifetime, and that is just what Heavenly Father has given each of us.
*pseudonym