SCENE XV - MAKE-OVER AT CHER'S HOUSE

"Supermodel" Jill Sobule

(Various scenes of Cher and Dionne making over Tai, then Cher and Tai working out in the lounge room)

CHER

Squeeze in.

TAI

Cher, I don't wanna do this any more, and my buns, they don't feel nothin' like steel.

CHER

OK, it will get easier, I promise. Just as long as we do it every day. Not just sporadically.

TAI

How do you know if we're doing it sporadically?

CHER

That's another thing, Tai. We've got to work on your accent and vocabulary. See, sporadic means once in a while. Try and use it in a sentence today.

TAI

Alright.

CHER

OK, from now on we're alternating Cindy Crawford's "Aerobicise" and "Buns of Steel", and reading one non-school book a week. My first book is "Fit or Fat".

TAI

Mine is "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus".

CHER

Good. Now that takes care of our minds and bodies, but we should do something good for mankind or the planet for a couple of hours.

(Josh walks in)

JOSH

Hey, brainiac.

CHER

Uh, the dreaded ex. Tai, this is Josh.

JOSH

Nice to meet ya.

CHER

Hey! You know about this stuff. I want to do something good for humanity.

JOSH

How about sterilization?

(Tai cracks up. Cher and Josh enter the kitchen)

CHER

So, what do ya think?

JOSH

I'm amazed.

CHER

That I'm devoting myself so generously to someone else?

JOSH

No, that you've found someone even more clueless than you are to worship you.

CHER

I am rescuing her from teenage hell. Do you know the wounds from adolescence can take years to heal?

JOSH

Yeah, and you've never had a mother so you're acting out on that poor girl as if she was your Barbie doll.

CHER

Freshman psych rears it's ugly head

JOSH

Hey, I am not taking psych.

CHER

Whatever. I am going to take that lost soul in there and make her well-dressed and popular. Her life will be better because of me. How many girls can say that about you?

(Josh and Cher walk back to the lounge where Tai is watching T.V. and singing along with the "Mentos" ad. God I hate those ads!)

JOSH

Be seein' ya.

TAI

Yeah, I hope not sporadically.

SCENE XVI - SCHOOL

CHER

Oh, my God. Do you see how boys are responding? My heart is totally bursting.

DIONNE

I know. I'm kvelling!

(Travis approaches)

TRAVIS

Cher, you have Timor, right?

CHER

Giest.

TRAVIS

Hey, Tai! Did you get a flyer?

TAI

Uh-uh.

TRAVIS

Here.

TAI

Thanks. Wow, a party!

CHER

It's in the Valley. The cops usually break 'em up in less than an hour, and it takes that long to get there.

DIONNE

And besides, it's just local loadies.

TAI

Do you guys think that Travis is gonna be there?

DIONNE

Tai, I thought we moved on from there.

CHER

Don't sell yourself short now. You've got something going for you that no one in this school has.

TAI

Oh, I'm not a virgin.

CHER

I mean mystery. As far as everyone is concerned you were the most popular girl in your school, and the fact that you hang with Dee and I, well...

DIONNE

Speaks very highly of you.

CHER

If you strike while the iron is hot, you can have any guy that you want.

TAI

Like who?

CHER

Let's see. Who's available? There's Bronson... I got it! Elton! He just broke up with Collette.

DIONNE

Oh, yes!

TAI

Who's Elton?

DIONNE

Oh, my God. He's way popular. He's like the social director of the crew.

CHER

Yeah, and his Dad can get you into any concert, and I noticed him scoping you out.

TAI

He was looking at me?

CHER

He said you gave him a toothache.

TAI

How'd I do that?

CHER

It's an expression. It means he thought you were sweet.

TAI

Yeah?

CHER

Yeah.

TAI

Wow.

DIONNE

Is that true?

CHER

No.

DIONNE

Oh, you are so bad.

(Scene moves to fountain where Cher is taking pictures of the crew)

"Alright" Supergrass

CHER

Ok, you guys, all get together. Oh, that is great. Smile! Tai, Tai, get a little closer. Closer Tai. Good, great! Hey, Elton, uh, why don't you put your arm around Tai?

ELTON

(Unwillingly) Alright!

CHER

Yeah, that's great.

(Check out Cher's little smile and rock! Awesome!)

OK. Tai, c'mere, c'mere, Tai.

(Scene moves to just Cher and Tai by bushes)

Hold that.

TAI

OK.

CHER

OK.

(Elton approaches.)

ELTON

Cool picture.

CHER

Doesn't she look classic?

ELTON

Yeah, this is beautiful.

CHER

She looks like one of those Bottichellis chicks.

ELTON

Hey, why don't you make me a copy of this, OK?

CHER

Sure.

(Another one of Cher's little squeals. Classic!)

SCENE XVII - CHER'S HOUSE, DINING ROOM

CHER

Hi Daddy. This is my friend, Tai.

MEL

Get out of my chair!

(Tai moves to opposite Cher. Lucy brings in dinner.)

CHER

Thank you, Lucy. It looks great.

MEL

What is this crap?

CHER

Daddy, it's from the "Cut your Colesterol" cook book. Doctor Lovitz says you've got to get down to two hundred.

(Cher's pager beeps.)

MEL

No calls tonight.

CHER

But it's Dionne, it might...

MEL

Sorry!

CHER

It might be important.

MEL

We're going to have a nice family dinner. So, uh, what'd you do at school today?

CHER

Well... I broke in my purple clogs.

(Mel's phone rings.)

MEL

Yeah, hello? Alright, Jake. Yeah, yeah, no, no, what?

CHER

Dee? Whatup?

DIONNE

So, check it. Murray's geometry class is right by Elton's locker, and taped up inside was the picture you took of Tai.

CHER

Oh, my God.

TAI

What?

CHER

Elton's got a picture of you hanging up in his locker.

TAI

Oh, no shit!

DIONNE

Hello! So, anyway, the whole crew is going to this party in the Valley.

CHER

Bye.

(Cher hangs up the phone.)

Looks like we're going to have to make a cameo at the Val party.

MEL (in background)

I told you I want it in the morning. No!

SCENE XVIII - MURRAY'S CAR

DIONNE

Murray!

MURRAY

Just look at the top of the map. Sun Valley is north.

DIONNE

OK, no. All I see is Bel Air, OK.

MURRAY

Then you're on the wrong map.

DIONNE

I am not on the wrong map.

MURRAY

Look at the number on the top. What is the number on the top?

DIONNE

There are no numbers on the top. There's letters.

(Murray makes a frustrated noise.)

DIONNE

Murray, shut up!

CHER

Please don't friz out!

SCENE XIX - THE VAL PARTY

(The gang pull up outside the party.)

Listen Tai, when we get there make sure Elton sees you, but don't say hi first. Look like you're having fun and you're really popular. Talk to someone in his eyeline, preferably a guy. Make him come to you, and find an excuse to leave while he's still into the conversation. The key is, always have him wanting more. You got it?

TAI

I got it.

CHER

OK.

TRAVIS

Heads up!

(Does a rail slide with his skateboard on the stair-rail.)

TAI

Oh, did you just see that?!

CHER

Oh, God. Skateboards, that is like, so five years ago.

TRAVIS

Oh, you guys came! That's great! You want a beer? I'll get you one.

CHER (to Tai)

No.

(The girls enter the party house.)

"Unknown song and artist"

TAI

This is ragin'.

CHER

Let's do a lap before we commit to a location.

(Dionne drags a dancing girl away from Murray.)

DIONNE

Who was that?!

TAI

Cher, ain't that the same dress that you was wearin' yesterday?

CHER

Say, Ambular?

AMBER

Hi.

CHER

Was that you going through my laundry?

AMBER

As if. Like I would really wear something from Judy's.

CHER

Do you prefer fashion victim or ensembly challenged?

(Amber walks off.)

AMBER

Uh!

CHER

What a clone.

TAI

Cher, you looked much better in that dress than she did.

(Travis bursts onto the scene spilling drink on Cher's shoes.)

CHER

Uh! Ruin my satin shoes, why don't you?!

TRAVIS

I'm sorry.

(They move to the kitchen.)

CHER

Excuse me, my shoes! Uh! This is so not fixable.

TRAVIS

It's a small price to pay to the party gods. Look, I'll make amends. How about some chronic shit?

CHER

Oh, it's the least you could do.

TAI

Spark it.

CHER

Hey, Elton's over there. Act like Travis is saying something funny.

(Tai hands joint to Cher and blows smoke in her face.)

TAI

Sorry.

(Tai starts cracking up.)

TRAVIS

What's so funny?

TAI

Nothing.

(Elton approaches and reaches behind Cher for the joint)

CHER

Oh, here.

(Summer enters holding a card)

SUMMER

Hey, everyone! Let's play suck and blow.

(The card passes through the group until Elton drops it (on purpose) and plants one right on Cher's mouth)

CHER

God, Elton. Can you suck?

(Dionne screams in the background)

It's Dee. C'mon!

(Scene changes to the bathroom, where Murray is getting his head shaved)

DIONNE

What have you done! Oh, my God! Uh! Why did you do this to your head?!

MURRAY

Because I'm keeping it real. Because I'm keeping it real.

DIONNE

What?!

MURRAY

'Cause I'm keeping it... 'cause I'm keeping it real.

DIONNE (to Cher)

Look! Look what he's done to his head! Can you believe this?

MURRAY

Look at Lawrence's head. Alright?

LAWRENCE

It's the bomb!

MURRAY

You know what I'm sayin'? You look good.

LAWRENCE

As will you.

DIONNE

What'd you care what he thinks, Murray? I'm the one that has to look at you. That was a big mistake. What am I going to do with you now? And right before the year book pictures? What am I going to tell my grandchildren?

MURRAY

Alright.

DIONNE

You know what? Ok, that's it.

MURRAY (mimicking)

That's it.

DIONNE

You wanna play games?

MURRAY (mimicking agin)

You wanna play games?

DIONNE

I'm calling your mother.

MURRAY

I'm... I'm ca... Oh, wait! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, wait. Don't call my Ma.

LAWRENCE

Yo, man. Chill, chill!

MURRAY

Chill?!

(Cher and Tai start walking away)

CHER

Same thing happened at the spring dance. She spent the entire after-party in the bathroom.

TAI

See, that almost destroyed by buzz.

CHER

I'm still baked.

TAI

Yeah.

(Back to the dance floor.)

"Rollin' With My Homies" Coolio

CHER

What do ya say, we go bump into people?

TAI

Yeah, I'm cool with that.

TRAVIS (from on the fireplace)

Hey, Tai! Wait up! Whooh!

(Travis jumps onto the crowd. No one keeps him up and he hits the deck.)

TAI

Are you OK?

TRAVIS (to dancers)

Where's your sense of pit hospitality?

TAI

That was so cool, the way you did that. I wish I could do it.

TRAVIS

Oh, no, don't.

TAI

Why not?

TRAVIS

Well, 'cause if girls did it, what would guys do to impress them?

TAI

I don't know, like stuff. You know?

TRAVIS

What kind of stuff?

(Cher spots Travis tuning Tai and butts in to stop it)

CHER

Tai, I need you.

TAI

OK.

CHER

Elton's over there.

(The girls start dancing. As Tai is trying to impress Elton she is hit in the head by a flying Clog)

CHER

Tai! Tai, Elton, help me!

(Elton carries Tai into the kitchen and places her on the counter)

CHER

Thank you.

TRAVIS

Here, you should use ice.

CHER

No, Travis! We've got it under control.

TRAVIS

Tai, are you OK?

CHER

Travis, Tai would have wanted you to enjoy the party.

CHER

If it's a concussion, you have to keep her concious, OK? Ask her questions.

ELTON

What's seven times seven?

CHER

Stuff she knows!

(Tai sits up and hits her head on the light. What a clutz!)

ELTON

Some bump you've got there.

TAI

Yeah.

ELTON

Yeah? You ready to go back out there?

TAI

Yeah, I am.

ELTON

Alright. Are you sure? Can you do this? (Singing) Rollin' with the homies.

TAI

(Singing) Rollin' with the homies.

(Great voice.)

ELTON

Yeah, let's do it. You're ready.

(Elton and Tai go back to the dance floor.)

CHER V.O.

I had to give myself snaps for all the good deeds I was doing. It was so great. Love was everywhere. Even though I was alone, I was really happy for Tai. It's like that book I read in ninth grade that said, "'tis a far, far better thing doing stuff for other people."

(Scene changed to outside by the pool. Cher's phone rings.)

CHER

Hello?

MEL

Do you know what time it is?

CHER

A watch really doesn't go with this outfit, Daddy.

MEL

Where are you?

CHER

Uuhh, just having a snack with my girlfriends.

MEL

Where, in Kuwait?!

CHER

Is that in the Valley?

MEL

Cher, I expect you to walk in this door in twenty minutes.

CHER

Well, um, it might take longer than that, Dad.

MEL

Everywhere in L.A. takes twenty minutes.

(Cher hangs up the phone.)

(Scene changes to outside front of party house.)

CHER

Sorry to make you leave, Dionne is bucking for best dramatic actress at a Val party.

(Tai laughs.)

CHER

Hey, Summer!

SUMMER

Hi! Pretty random fiesta. Need a ride home?

CHER

That'd be great! Thanks!

ELTON

No, I got it.

SUMMER

Well, I'm right below Wilshire and Lindon.

TAI

Oh, that's right near me! I'm, um, above Olympic.

ELTON

Great! Then, Tai you'll go with Summer, and Cher you'll come with me.

CHER

Actually, you could take Wilshire to Cannon and that turns into Bennedict.

ELTON

Well, then she'd have to go back south and I'm already going north.

CHER

But, you could take Tai on your way up to Sunset. Yeah.

ELTON

That doesn't make any sense! I'd have to get off the freeway, I hate that. Tai, go with Summer, Cher, you'll come with me. Watch your feet.

(Each get into respective cars and wave each other goodbye.)

SCENE XX - ELTON'S CAR

"Away" The Cranberries

(Elton is singing along to music. Trying to be sexy, but he fails miserably, the sleazy bastard!)

CHER

Didn't Tai look cute tonight?

(Elton just sings.)

I really love her hair when it's all wild, you know? But it's also very pretty when it's all up, with that curly tendrils. Like in that picture I took.

ELTON

You know, you're one of my best friends and I do not have friends that are girls.

CHER

Well, I'm glad, because your happiness means a lot to me.

ELTON

It does?

CHER

Sure. I mean, I saw how hard your breakup with Collette was.

ELTON

Yeah. I think we both know what it feels like to be lonely.

CHER

Whatever. The thing is, is that I'd really like to see you settled already.

(Elton pulls the car into a parking lot.)

Where are we going?

(The car stops.)

ELTON

I knew it, I knew it.

(Elton makes a pass at Cher.)

CHER

Oooh, you knew what?!

ELTON

That you were totally sprung on me.

CHER

Hello?! Don't you mean Tai?

ELTON

Tai?!

CHER

You have her picture in your locker.

ELTON

I have the picture you took in my locker.

CHER

Ohh, I'm having a twin peaks experience.

ELTON

I knew it, I knew it when you kissed me.

CHER

Suck and Blow is a game, Elton!

(Elton has another go at Cher.)

Stop it!

ELTON

Alright! You know, I don't get you Cher. I mean, you flirt with me all year.

CHER

As if! I have been tryng to get you together with Tai.

ELTON

Tai?! Why would I go with Tai?

CHER

Why not?

ELTON

Why not? Why not?! Don't you even know who my father is?

CHER

You are snob and a half.

ELTON

Cher, listen to me. Me and Tai, I mean, we don't make any sense, right? Me and you, well, makes sense.

(Elton tries for Cher, yet again.)

CHER

Cut it out!

ELTON

C'mon.

CHER

Stop it!

(Cher gets out of the car.)

(Watch Cher compose herself after getting out of the car. i.e. the head movements and sound effects.)

ELTON

Cher?! Where are you going? You're only hurting yourself here, baby. C'mon, you gonna walk home? Would you get back in the car, please? Get back in the car.

CHER

Leave me alone!

ELTON

Fine!

(Elton drives away. What a prick!)

CHER

Hey, where are you going? Shit!

(Cher whips out the phone and dials)

OPERATOR

Valley information.

CHER

Yeah, do you have the number of a cab company?

OPERATOR

Which one?

CHER

I don't know which one. What do you have out here?

OPERATOR

We have Valley Cabs...

ROBBER

Hand it over.

(Cher squeals/moans)

Give me the phone.

(Cher complies)

OK. Bag, too. C'mon! Alright, now, uh, get down on the ground. Face down. C'mon!

CHER

Oh, no. You don't understand, this is an Alaia.

ROBBER

An a-what-a?

CHER

It's like a totally important designer.

ROBBER

And I will totally shoot you in the head. Get down!

(Cher whimpers as she lies down on the pavement)

Alright, um, count to a hundred. Thank you.

CHER

One, two...

CHER V.O.

The evening had turned into a royal mess. Sexually harrassed, robbed. I didn't know the number of the party, so I couldn't call Dionne, and Daddy would kill me if he knew where I was. There was just one person left to call, and I really, really didn't want to call him.

(Cher dials up Josh's place. He's trying to get it on with his girlfriend)

JOSH

C'mon.

(Phone rings)

Hello.

CHER

Josh, you busy?

HEATHER

Who is it?

JOSH

It's Mel's daughter.

CHER

So, OK, I was at this party, and my designated driver tried to attack me, so I got out 'cause we'd stopped, and then he drove off and deserted me, and then this guy with a gun held me up, took my money, and my phone and he yelled at me and he forced me to ruin my dress.

JOSH

OK, OK, look, um. Where are you?

CHER

Sun Valley.

JOSH

Man, you owe me.

SCENE XXI - JOSH'S CAR

"The Ghost in You" Counting Crows

HEATHER

The man is ridiculous. He doesn't have one unique thought in his little, puny brain.

JOSH

I think there's some merit in learning the form straight off.

HEATHER

Oh, Josh, please. He's taken our minds at the most fecund point, and restrained them before they've wandered through the garden of ideas. It's just like Hamlet said, "To thine own self, be true."

CHER

Ah, no, uh, Hamlet didn't say that.

HEATHER

I think that I remember Hamlet accurately.

CHER

Well, I remember Mel Gibson accurately, and he didn't say that. That Polonius guy did.

(Josh laughs and Heather gives him a dirty look)

(The car pulls up outside Heather's place. Heather gets out of the car)

JOSH

I'm gonna walk Heather to her door. Try and stay out of trouble.

(Josh runs up to Heather's door and kisses her goodnight)

CHER V.O.

Ew. My life is turning into a bigger disaster than Malibu.

SCENE XXII - CHER TELLING TAI

CHER V.O.

I didn't know what I was gonna say to Tai. I felt really nervous. Even Fabion, my masseuse, said I had a lot of tension in my back.

(Scene moves to girls locker room)

TAI

It's my hips, isn't it?

DIONNE

No, of course not.

CHER

Don't be stupid, you can do so much better.

DIONNE

He thinks he's all that, Tai.

CHER

Yeah, God's gift.

DIONNE

You're too good for him.

TAI

If I'm too good for him then how come I'm not with him?

CHER

I have got an idea. Let's blow off seventh and eighth, go to the mall, have a calorie fest, and see the new Christian Slater.

TAI

Oh, you guys.

(Group hug)

(Scene changes to girls in a diner. A waiter walks past)

"My Forgotten Favorite" Velocity Girl

DIONNE

Look at him! Ooh, baby.

TAI

Break me off a piece of that.

CHER

Survey says?

TAI

Doable.

DIONNE

Puny. I like 'em big.

CHER

Ooh, I hate muscles.

TAI

You know I don't really care either way. Oh, just as long as his you-know-what isn't that crooked. I really hate that.

CHER

What?

DIONNE

Shh. Don't scare her.

TAI

Why? What's wrong?

DIONNE

Cher is saving herself for Luke Perry.

TAI

Cher, you're a virgin?!

CHER

God, you say that like it's a bad thing.

DIONNE

Besides, the P.C. term is hymenally challenged.

CHER

I am just not interested in doing it until I find the right person. You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet.

TAI

(giggling) Yeah.

CHER

You're not one to talk, Dee.

TAI

Oh, wait a minute here! Wait. Wait, I thought that, like you and Murray, right?

DIONNE

My man is satisfied, he's got no cause for complaints, but technically, I am a virgin. You know what I mean.

("Rollin' With My Homies" comes on the radio)

TAI

Oh, God.

CHER

What's wrong, Tai?

TAI

They're playing our song. You know, the one Elton and I danced to. (Singing) Rollin' with my homies.

DIONNE

Ohh, Tai, don't cry.

TAI

I'm sorry. Oh, God.

(Tai starts crying and banging her head on the table)

DIONNE

Stop!

CHER V.O.

I could tell Tai's grieving period would be considerable unless I found someone to take Elton's place right away.

"All The Young Dudes" World Party

(Scene changes to bunch of school guys walking up the path)

So, OK. I don't want to be a traitor to my generation and all, but I don't get how guys dress today. I mean, c'mon, it looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants, and take their greasy hair, Ew! And cover it up with a backwards cap and like, we're expected to swoon? I don't think so!

SCENE XXIII - SCHOOL

CHER V.O.

Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.

(Christian appears in the doorway of the classroom)

(Cher starts getting all hot and heavy, (boy does she look hot!) and whispers to herself:)

CHER

Damn.

MR HALL

So, this must be the elusive Christian.

CHRISTIAN

Where should I park?

MR HALL

There's one, third back.

CHER V.O.

OK, OK. Now, I know I said I'd find a guy for Tai, but I suppose there's no harm in finding one for myself also.

(Cher accidently/on purpose drops her pen. Christian sees the cue and picks up her pen. He gets a great view of Cher's legs!)

CHRISTIAN

Nice stems.

CHER

Thanks.

MR HALL

Cher?

CHER

Present.

MR HALL

I guess we established that during attendence. It's time for your oral.

CHER

Excuse me?

MR HALL

Your original oral. The topic is violence in the media.

CHER

Oh!

(Cher approaches the podium)

So, OK, the Attorney General says there is too much violence on T.V. and that should stop. But even if you took out all the violent shows, you could still see the news. So, until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news, there's no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value. Thank you.

(The class applaudes Cher)

MR HALL

Any comments?

(Elton raises his hand)

Elton?

ELTON

My foot hurts. Can I go to the nurse?

(Mr. Hall ignores him.)

MR HALL

Travis?

TRAVIS

Two very enthusiastic thumbs up. Fine holiday fun.

(Travis is a cool dude)

AMBER

Hello?! Was I the only one listening? I mean, I thought it reeked.

CHER

I believe that was your designer imposter perfume.

(Bell rings)

(Christian gets up and stops at Cher's desk)

CHRISTIAN

I dug it.

"Unknown song and artist" (some bloody rap song)

CHER V.O.

During the next few days I did what any normal girl would do. I sent myself love letters, and flowers, and candy, just so he'd see how desired I was, in case he didn't already know.

(Cher hands around her candy)

CHER

Christian.

CHER V.O.

And, anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good. Also, sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds guys of being naked, and then they think of sex.

CHRISTIAN

Hey, Dutchess.

CHER

Yes?

CHRISTIAN

You rashin' this weekend?

CHER

Huh?

CHRISTIAN

Like, Saturday. I'm new, but I thought maybe you had it in on the heavy clam bakes.

CHER

Well, my ex-step brother's friends are having a party.

CHRISTIAN

Solid!