DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door
opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and
pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not
necessary to use it.
After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and
out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold
weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season.
Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed
chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no
Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is
a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.
BATHROOMS: Always accompany everyone, especially guests, to the
bathroom. (See Rule I.) It is not necessary to do anything - just sit and stare.
GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit
on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have "Friskies Fish 'n' Glop" on
your breath.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which
contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats go to black wool clothing.
For the guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof
disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle.
When walking among the dishes onthe dinner table, be prepared to look surprised
and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "But you always allow me on the table
when company isn't here."
HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed
activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called
"helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering".
The following are the rules for "helping":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen
and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between human's eyes and book, unless
you can lie across the book itself. If it is a newspaper, claw at it until shredded. Your
human will appreciate that you have another home-made toy.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so
as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze,
but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles or split the yarn.
The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.
Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may
tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas
cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim - - to help! First, sit on the paper being
worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds
nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After
being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a
time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on
the back of the paper. They love to jump.
PLAY: It is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you
are fresh for playing catch mouse or king-of-the-hill on the human's bed between 2 and 4
am.
WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are:
1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms;
2) In the dark; and
3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their
coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two
(or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and
squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.
COMPUTERS:
Rule no. 1: Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the
operator will need your help.
Rule no. 2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and
cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person
operating the computer. For best results, stand as close to the monitor as possible. If
you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as
possible.
Rule no. 3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as
possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4,
N, and ctrl-alt-del.
Rule no. 4: Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since it's
your feline instinct to chase mice.
Rule no. 5: Floppy disks make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when
it's time to sharpen your nails.
MOST IMPORTANT: Begin human training early. You will then have
a smooth-running household. Humans need to know the basic rules you have established for
them. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.