An announcement from Santa. . .
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately,
I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract
was
re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves
Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin
and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract
I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands
with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba
Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares
my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there
are a few difference between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your
presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper
sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus
prefers that children leavn an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon
pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though,
so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy eared,
flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him
a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner
and Blitzen... " when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Ernhardt,
on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and
Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba
Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with
the words "Back off". The last I heard it also had other decorations on
the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race
through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going
wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as
"Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be
shown in your negotiated viewing
area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves
Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba
Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were
you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when
he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been
sung about me like "Rudolph The Red nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa
Claus Is Coming
to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be
played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will
be Mark Chesnutt's"Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All
I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank
Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Shove It."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(member of North American Fairies
and Elves Local 209).
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