Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored
in the freezer with care
in hopes that my thighs would
forget they were there.
While Mama in her my girdle
and I in chin straps
had just settled down to sugar-borne
naps.
When out in the pantry there
arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see
what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew
like a flash tore open
the icebox then threw up the
sash.
The marshmallow look of the
new-fallen snow sent
thoughts of a binge to my
body below.
When what to my wandering
eyes should appear:
a marzipan Santa with eight
chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so
luscious and slick.
I knew in a second that I'd
wind up sick.
The sweet-coated santa, those
sugared reindeer.
I closed my eyes tightly but
still I could hear
On Pritzker, on Stillman,
on weak one, on TOPS
a Weight Watcher dropout from
sugar detox.
From the top of the scales
to the top of the hall
now dash away pounds now dash
away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant
from my head to nightdress my clothes were all bulging from
too much excess. My
droll little mouth and my
round little belly they shook
when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went
straight to my work
ate all of the candy then
turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside
my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward
the bedroom, I turned
I eased into bed, to the heavens
I cry if temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned
for the night
in the morning I'll starve...'til
I take that first bite!
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