To kill the male ego:

Why do men like love at first sight?
      It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children.  What does a man of 35 think
of?
      Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
      In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
      A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
      To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
      They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
      He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
      All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
      At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
      The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention
      of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
      Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
      Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
      They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half
      the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
      After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
      Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next
time.
 

What is the thinnest book in the world?
      What Men Know About Women

This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who
were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes
and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a
solid 'A'.

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend
before finals week, even though the Chem final was on Monday, they decided
to go up to University of Virginia and party with some friends up there.

So they did this and had a great time.  However, with their hangovers and
everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke
until early Monday morning.  Rather than taking the final then, what they
did was to find Professor Aldric after the final and explain to him why
they missed the final.

They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to
come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back
and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were
late getting back to campus.  Aldric thought this over and then agreed that
they could make up the final on the following day.  The two guys were
elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that
Aldric had told them.  He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of
them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free
radical formation and was worth 5 points.  "Cool" they thought, "this is
going to be easy."  They did that problem and then turned the page. They
were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said:                   (95 points) Which tire?

  -M.F. Kirby
   Lometa, Tx
      76853

Things you don't want to hear from Tech Support
 ===============================================

"Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"

"Do have a heavy door you need held open?"

"...That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."

"So -- what are you wearing?"

"Duuuuuude!  Bummer!"

"Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."

"Press 1 for Support, Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes, Press 3 if
you're with the FTC."

"We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of
duct tape, and a car battery."

"I'm sorry, Dave.  I'm afraid I can't do that."

"In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."

"Hold on a second...  Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"

"Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."

"What do you want first, the bad news, or how much it will cost?"
 

Thanx to Brad Murray.

SHEEPY BLONDE
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she
had her hair cut and died brown. A few days later, as she was driving
around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can
guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the
gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no
discernible
reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally
amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the
deal.Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire
flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than
any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and
said,"O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair
color, can I have my dog back?"

ANGER IN THE SKY:
  God was fed up.  In a crash of thunder He yanked up to Heaven three
influential men:  Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates.
  "The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed.  "You each have
one week to prepare your followers for the End of the World."  With another
crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.
  Clinton immediately called his cabinet.  "I have good news and bad news,"
he announced grimly.  "The good news is that there is a God. The bad news
is, He's really mad and plans to end the world in a week."
  In Russia, Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news and
worse news.  The bad news is that we were wrong; there is a God after all.
The worse news is He's mad and is going to end the world in a week."
  Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers.  "I have good
news and better news.  The good news is that God considers me one of the
three most influential men on Earth," he beamed.  "The  better news is we
don't have to fix Windows '98."

The Engineer
 =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.  St. Peter
checks  his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer.  You're in the
wrong  place, fella."

So the engineer disappointedly reports to the gates of Hell
wondering  what he had done to deserve this.  Pretty soon, having
accepted his  fate, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of
comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After
a while,  they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators,

and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on His telepathic connection and asks,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no
telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.  We're
having a wonderful time."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -
he should never have gotten down there.  Send him up here."

Satan says, "No way.  I like having an engineer on the staff, and
I'm  keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just
where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
 

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling
for her business so she did a lot of flying.  But flying made her
nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read
and it helped relax her.  One time she was sitting next to a
man.  When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little
chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really
believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied "Of course I do.  It is the Bible."

He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?

She replied "Oh, Jonah.  Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.

He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said "Well I don't really know.  I guess when I get to
heaven I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

 "Then you can ask him."  replied the lady.

David received a parrot for his birthday.  This parrot was fully grown with
a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive.
Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly
saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try
and  set a good example...
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the
bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming -
then suddenly there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly
opened the freezer door.  The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's
extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my
language and action and I ask your forgiveness.  I will endeavor to correct
my behavior."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask
what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued:  "May I ask
what the chicken did?"

This man was walking along the beach in Southern California and discovered
what appeared to be a Genie's lamp.  He picked it up and rubbed it and sure
enough, out came this Genie.  The Genie was so excited to be out of the lamp
that he gave the man the customary three wishes.

The man thought for a few seconds then said to the Genie, "I have always
wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to.  You see I am afraid to
fly and I get seasick in the bathtub.  I would like you to construct a
highway to Hawaii so I can drive there."

The Genie scratched his head, did some quick calculations, then sadly said,
"I hate to tell you this but your wish might be too much for me to give. You
see, it would take a tremendous amount of time to lobby the Department of
Transportation, the Department of Federal Highway and Safety Administration.
Then, the construction costs would require further tax hikes.  On top of all
this, we would have to construct fuel stations along the route as well.  I
have never had to turn down a wish like this and I am somewhat embarrassed
to do so, but can you think of another wish instead of this one?"

The man was disappointed to hear this bad news but took it in stride.  He
thought a few more seconds and then said, "I have been married for 15 years
and have really never been able to understand my wife.  I wish you could
help me understand my wife."

The Genie interupted the man quickly and asked, "Would you like that highway
two lane or four lane?"

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and
parked himself on the cave's roof to get some sleep. Soon all the other
bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He
told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until
he finally gave in. "OK, follow me."

He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a
valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally, he
slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Do you see that tree over there?"

"YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Well...I didn't!"

One Liners

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating
up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want
you to hold me."
The husband says, "What?"
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs
as a woman.The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight
and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day, the husband takes his wife shopping at a big department
store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits,
then tells his wife, "We'll take all three of them." He then has her go
over and pick out matching shoes for all three outfits, each pair
costing $200. The husband strolls over to the jewelry department and
gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her
husband has flipped out, but she doesn't care). She goes for the tennis
bracelet as well. The husband says, "You don't even play tennis, but
okay, if you like it, then let's get it."
The wife is jumping up and down, so excited she cannot believe what is
going on. She says, "I am ready to go, let's take all of this up to the
cash register." The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we're not going
to buy all of this stuff."
The wife's face goes blank.
"No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red.  She is about to explode and then the husband
says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!!!"
 

A man receives a free ticket to the SuperBowl from his company.
Ufortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is
in the last row in the corner of the stadium.......he is closer to the
Goodyear Blimp than the field! About halfway through the first quarter
he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard
line.  He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the
stadium around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse
me, is anyone sitting here?"

The man replies "No".

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again
inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible!" "Who in their
right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use
it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.  This is the first
SuperBowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's terribly sad.  But still, couldn't you find someone to
take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."
 

Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital
waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man,
"Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride.
"I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man,
"You sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered.
"I work for the 3M Corporation." My buddies at work
will never let me live this one down.

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around,
the nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man - who had
been quiet in the corner.  She announced that his wife had just
given birth to quadruplets.

Stunned, he barely could reply.
"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.  After finally
regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the
Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy,
who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to
his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his
consiousness.

When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering
repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.

    "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured.
But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both
of his ears.
As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious
about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the
insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so
he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a
business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer
firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he
decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The
first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last
question for this first candidate was, "Do you notice anything unusual
about me?"

The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears."

The man got really upset and threw the guy out.  The second interview
went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than
the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same
question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

This guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears."

The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better
than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he
wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice
anything unusual about me?"

The guy replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses."

Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you!
How could you tell?"

The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, You can't wear glasses if
you don't have any ears!"
 

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up
early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the
townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families,
etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!!  Everyone starts screaming and
running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined
efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits
calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate
enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.
Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."