Are you tired of hearing all the so called experts give you advice on how to raise your child? When in fact, many of those so called experts either don't have any children or have children who are far from perfect. Well I am not an "expert" but I am a real parent. Therefore, my intentions are to help other parents learn from my experiences. Please keep in mind that I am not a writer, so you may have to overlook a "few" errors in grammar.

First of all, if you have read through my "Family" page, then you know that I was very young when I had my first child. I was once accused of living through my children, but that is not at all true. The truth is I live for my children!

As a young mother, I promised myself never to make the same mistakes with my children that my parents had made with me. One of the things that I decided I would not do was to use spanking as a main source of discipline. I was spanked as a child and it only made me more rebellious. This is in no way saying that I was abused, because I was not. Many people confuse abuse with a parent's attempt to teach their child right from wrong. My parents used spankings as a way to try to make me obey and do what was right, because it was the only way they knew. For the type of personality I had, however, it did not work. I in no way blame them for the mistakes I have made, because while their methods may not have worked, at least I know they tried and that they loved me.

Each child is an individual, and while one type of punishment may work with one child it may not work with another. Please consider if you will that spanking a child is a quick and simple way of telling the child that you are displeased with them, but it in no way explains why. Without the why you are just being mean. If you take the time to explain why, then the point is made. As for the discipline, well I believe the best way to disipline a child through lecture. By using facial expressions and a stern but occassional beaten sounding voice while explaining to them why what they did was wrong you can often do more to correct a problem than with any other method of punishment. During the lecture never say the word bad, because bad is a state of being, while wrong is just an action. By being dramatic, as I call it, you make the child know that you care and that they have not only upset, but also worried you. Normally a child does not want to hurt their parents.

My boys will tell you in no uncertain terms that they would much rather have a beating than to get one of my lectures, and the reason why is quite simple, if I spank them then they can be mad at me, but if I lecture them then they have to think about what they did and be mad at themselves.

On ocassion along with the lecture, an attention getter is necessary. In my experience, the best way to get a childs attention would be to find a task for them to do that they find unpleasant, such as house or yard work or making them sit on the couch for at least 10 to 20 minutes without any toys or TV. Of course this does take more time than just getting out a belt and blistering thier little behinds, but (no pun intended) I can assure you that by talking to them, they will respect you more and you just may learn a thing or two yourself. For a very small child, instead of slapping a hand, a frown and a scolding will often work better to make the child stop what they are doing. But in all cases, remember to praise them when they do what you want them to do. In teaching a child, it is even more important that you act pleased when they do something right, than it is that you act displeased when they do something wrong.

If you want your child to grow up understanding that doing the right thing is not just a way to avoid punishment, but is something they should feel good about doing, you must be willing to spend the time it takes to make them emotionally feel the difference. Emotional feelings last much longer than physical feelings.

I believe, to be a successful parent you must first look back at your own childhood, and give serious thought as to why you did the things you did and what made you feel good and what made you feel unhappy. Always be fair and have a logical reason for your actions. Children are not stupid and if what you tell them does not make sense, do not expect them to trust you or to listen to you. Here is an example:

When my son Michael started dating his girlfriend, he was like most teenagers and would spend hours on the phone with her. We had call waiting put in and made it clear that he was to be off the phone by 10pm, which was his bedtime. He followed this rule and never ignored the beeping of another caller trying to get through. However, one night while I was at work, my husband got upset with Michael because he had been on the phone for over three hours, and told him to get off. The next morning when I got Michael up for school, he started complaining about how it wasn't fair and that Patrick was just being mean. I said that I understood how he felt and that I would talk to Patrick and see why he had wanted Michael off the phone. When I asked my husband about it, the only reason he could come up with was that Michael had been on the phone for three hours and he thought that was to long to be on the phone. Now many of you may agree with my husband, but if you think about it, there is no logic to it. Michael had all of his homework and chores done and rather than sit watching TV for three hours, (which my husband and probably those of you who agree with him, would think was OK) he chose to talk to his girlfriend. I explained to my husband that if he didn't have a real reason for making Michael get off the phone then he shouldn't do it. The quickest way to make a child stop listening to you, is by doing things that you can not explain the reason for. Once my husband thought about it, he agreed to allow Michael to talk as long as he liked, unless he was suppose to be doing something else or if it was his bedtime. Treat your children the same way you want to be treated, and they will not only listen to you, but they will respect you.

The next thing you must remember, is that you get back what you put in. In other words; if you spend at least an hour a day talking or doing something with your child then you more than likely will be rewarded with a child that you can be proud of. But, if you simply ignor them until they do something wrong and then the only attention they get is your angier, then you can expect to get a selfish and angry child that will embarrass and shame you, just as you have them. Do your best and don't ever make excuses as to how tired or busy you are, or that you just don't know what to do. Do whatever it takes, because it is your responsibility and you chose to have the child, they did not choose to be born!

Raising a child is one of the most difficult and yet rewarding experiences a person can have. Spend the time and energy it takes to raise them well and I promise you you'll never regret a moment. Give the child guidance and close supervision. Too many parents today allow their children to be exposed to negative influences just because they weren't watching. Don't be afraid to say no to your child if you have the slightest feeling that what they might be doing is not good for them. Explain to the child how you feel and then try to find something else that they can do that you both can feel good about. Believe it or not children are much more understanding than adults.

Always let your child know that you love them and are trying to do the best you can as a parent. Ask them how they would feel or what they would do if they were the parent. And always be honest and teach honesty! I have always told my boys that if they are honest with me then we can work whatever it is out, but if they lie to me then I will not even try. I am very open and honest with my boys and they are the same with me. If they do something wrong they come to me and tell me. It usually goes something like this;

Them - "Mom, you are going to be mad at me." *looking at the ground*
Me - "Why, what did you do?"
Them - "I went down to the creek and" *pause*
Me - "and what?"
Them - "and sort of well" *pause*
Me - "and sort of what? And where are your socks and shoes?" *smiling*
Them - "Well that's what I was trying to tell you."
Me - "Then tell me."
Them -"I fell in and my shoes got stuck in the mud, but I got them out!"
Me - "Well get out there and clean them off "
Them - "Ok mom I will" *running out the door*
Me - "And the next time remember to stay away from the creek"

Now maybe that sounds stupid or trivial to you, but if they can come to me with something small that they have done wrong and tell me about it, and yet at the same time not get into serious trouble, then they are more likely not to do something really bad, because they wouldn't want to tell me. Yet because I am fair, they would feel like they would have too, do you understand? So honesty and fairness are the keys to opening good behaviour patterns.

And last of all, keep a sense of humor. Often laughter can relieve an otherwise overly tense situation and it always seems to bring people together. I joke with my boys and they joke with me. It gives us a common level if you will. When we are joking, I am more of a friend to them than a Mom, and the bond between us becomes that much stronger.

There is probably a lot I left out that I should have included on this page, but the most important things are all here and if you practice these proven methods, I can assure you that your relationship with your children will grow stronger. While it is best to start early, it is not to say that you can not begin these things with an older child. My son, Zack, came to me when he was 13 years old and he was what some people would call a problem child. He was on Ritalin and his grades were way below average. He had a temper and didn't think twice about showing it. He was very destructive and unable to show love of any kind, to anyone. The day he came to me, I had him taken off the drugs and started showing him that there were other ways to vent! His grades improved immediately, and he soon was on the honor roll at school. With a lot of love, guidance, and explaining he learned how to control his temper, and how to show he cared. Zack went on to college and then decided to take a job helping to preserve the Red Wood Forests of California, but mournfully his life was ended in a car wreck just a few short months before he was to leave. He was truly a wonderful young man, and he will never be forgotten.

To summarize this page, the keys to becoming a successful parent are:

1. A lot of Love!
2. Explaining, Explaining, Explaining, Explaining, and then more Explaining.
3. Honesty and Fairness!
4. At the very least, an hour a day of your undivided attention!
5. Shared Laughter and Fun!

I hope this page has in some way helped you and if you have any guestions or comments, please don't hesitate to write me. I do not claim to have all the answers, but I can honestly say that I have never known of a single child that did not respond to my methods, and I have seen several so called troubled children who did. Thank You.

Dorothy Law Nolte

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