Hi, Neighbor 2004 Written by: S. Wilhelmina Feenster Laverne and Shirley frolic about Springfield, Illinois... *This story is dedicated to Missy, who has waited patiently for a new Laverne & Shirley story from me! Category: L&S/Guiding Light Crossover Setting: Burbank, California & Springfield, Illinois Scene 1 - Laverne and Shirley's Apartment (Day) The girls had their clothes scattered all around the apartment. Shirley entered with Carmine behind her. Shirley: Pardon the mess. [calls upstairs] Laverne! Laverne: What? Shirley: If we don't leave in the next 5 minutes, we'll miss our flight. Laverne: Shirl, I'm just getting the new Beatles album I bought. Shirley: Laverne, there is nowhere to play it. It's a flight. Mr. Bardwell is sending us to this convention because he trusts us. We don't need to be late and miss our flight, do we? Carmine grabbed their bags and took them to the car. **Outside the apartment** Carmine: Do you really have to go, Shirley? Shirley: Carmine, it's only a buisness trip. They kiss. Laverne: Come on, you two, break it up! Out of nowhere, Sonny was behind Laverne. Sonny: I came to send you off. Laverne: Aww! They kiss. Carmine: [mocking Laverne] Break it up, Laverne! Laverne and Shirley got into the car, it pulled away, and Carmine and Sonny waved goodbye. Scene 2 - Beacon Hotel (Springfield) Laverne and Shirley entered the hotel and noticed the wide "Gone With the Wind-like" staircase. Shirley ran to it and stepped up. Shirley: Laverne, take a picture! Laverne got out her camera and snapped away. Laverne: Shirl, let me be Scarlet. Shirley: Ok, Laverne. Laverne stepped up on the stairs and while she was there, Jeffrey O'Neil (Assistant District Attourney) came down. Jeffrey: I don't mean to interrupt playtime, but I need to get past. Laverne: This staircase is big enough for the both of us. Jeffrey: You don't seem to understand, I must stay on this side. You move. Shirley: Let him past, Laverne. Laverne: Ok, I'll let ya pass if ya promise to get in this picture with me. You can be Rhett Butler. He sorta looks like him, don't he, Shirl? Jeffrey: I don't have the time nor the desire to play games with you ladies. Jeffrey left the hotel and didn't look back. Bill Lewis (Lewis Construction Owner;Danny Santos' Campaign manager) stopped and approached Laverne. Bill: You need someone for your picture? How about me? Shirley: Would you? Bill: Sure. I never pass up a picture with a pretty girl. Shirley: Get over there by Laverne and act like Rhett Butler. Bill walked over to Laverne and picked her up. Shirley: Perfect! [snaps a picture] Bill: You two are cute. [to Laverne] I like the "L". Laverne: [smiling flirtacously] Thanks. I sewed it myself. Danny Santos (Ex-mobster; walked in. Danny: Bill, I need to talk to you. Bill: Nice meeting you, ladies. Shirley: We better get to our room. Laverne: You're right. The sooner we get our room number, the sooner we can give it out to cute guys. Shirley: Laverne, have you forgotten about Sonny? Laverne: Do ya really have to take the wind out of my sails? They go to check in. Scene 3 - Company (Day) Laverne and Shirley walked into the restaurant. Shirley: Let's sit over there. Laverne: No. I wanna sit at the bar. Shirley: Vernie, you know how those stools hurt my hinny. Laverne: Come on, Shirl. I hear cute doctors eat at bars. Shirley: Well...just this once. Laverne: Adda girl. A man in a plaid shirt was eye to eye with Shirley. He spoke in a soft low voice. Buzz Cooper: Can I get you anything? Shirley: Let's see, I'd like a ginger ale and a Buzz burger, please. Laverne: I wanna beer and that Buzz burger sounds awfully good. (beat) Funny name for a hamburger, though. Buzz: It's named after the owner. Laverne: The owner's name is Buzz Burger? (laughs) Buzz: No. The owners name is Buzz Cooper, but I'll give him your regards. Bill Lewis walked in. Buzz: I'll be right with you, Bill. Bill: Thanks, Buzz. Shirley turned her head to look at Laverne. Shirley: [nudging her] Do you realize what you've done? Laverne: I ordered lunch. Everybody does it. Shirley: No, Laverne. You insulted that poor man. He's in there right now fixing our lunch. Laverne: Are ya afraid he won't put enough lettuce and tomato on your burger? Shirley: Of course not. I didn't attack the man's burger. Laverne: All I said was that it was a funny name, Shirl. It was a joke! Shirley: I know that, but he doesn't. I think you ought to apologize. Laverne: What for? The burgers not free. Bill came up behind Shirley and got close to her ear. Bill: Hi, cutie. Shirley: [sweetly] Hello. Bill: I figured you two would be here. Laverne: Ya did, huh? [sarcasism] What'd ya do, follow our bread crumbs? Shirley: [laughs] Oh, Laverne, your wit! [hits her on the arm] Laverne gave an irritated look towards Shirley. Bill: This is the best place in town. [Buzz walks past him] Am I right, Buzz? Buzz: I think so, [looks at Laverne] but then again, what do I know? I have funny names for my food. Laverne: [to Buzz] Hey, look, I'm sorry I said your burger had a funny name. Buzz: It'll be ready in a few minutes. Shirley: Thank you. Buzz went back into the kitchen shaking his head. Bill: Don't let Buzz get you down. He's a real nice guy once you get to know him. Laverne: Well we're not staying here forever. Bill: Passing through town? Laverne: Yeah. Shirley: We're going to a convention. Bill: Where are you ladies from? Laverne: Milwaukee. Bill: Are you two part of the beer convention? Laverne: That would be it. Bill: Do you work in an actual brewery? Shirley: We're bottle cappers. Bill: What beer company? Laverne: Shotz. Bill: That's a helluva good beer. [beat] I never got your names. Shirley: I'm Shirley Feeney. Laverne: [extends her hand] Laverne DeFazio. Bill: My name's Bill Lewis. [beat] Are you two staying at the Beacon? Laverne: Yeah. It costs an arm and a leg. Shirley: [hits Laverne] It's a lovely hotel. Bill: Well, if you guys want, you can stay with some friends of mine. They don't spend a lot of time there, and it's rent free. Laverne [putting her hand over Shirley's mouth] We'll take it. The girls finished their lunch, went back to the Beacon, and were on their way. Scene 4 - The Old Museum (Night) Laverne and Shirley walked into the museum. Laverne: This sure don't look like a museum. Bill: It's not anymore. It was back in the 30's. Laverne: Oh. Bill: Ladies, I have to be somewhere in about ten minutes. Make yourself at home, if you need anything, here's my card. [hands it to them] Also, there are four others that live here. They might drop by, but don't worry. They're harmless. Two of them are my cousins. Laverne: Your cousins? Aw, that's nice. Bill: I'll talk to you ladies later. Laverne: See ya. Shirley: Bye, Bill. Bill exits. Shirley: What a nice guy, huh? Laverne: Yeah, and this place ain't half bad. The girls went into the other room to situate their things. While in the next room, the door opened, and Marah Lewis, a medium height blond, entered with a hand full of clothes. She placed them on the couch and went into the kitchen for a drink of water. Next to enter the old museum, was Marina Cooper, toting a baseball bat in one arm and a dozen roses in the other. Marina: Hi, Marah. Marah: Hey. What's with the bat? Marina: Shayne thought I could use it on the walk home. Marah: That's my brother, always one to protect the ones he loves. [about the flowers] Who are the those for? Marina: Well, I thought they were for me, but then I read the name on the card. [handing them to her] They're yours. [teasing] Could they be from a secret admirer? Marah: [going along with the tease] Hmm, I don't know. Let me find out. [reads the card to herself] "Dear Marah, I've been thinking about you a lot. I know we had our agreement, but I would like to see you again, Love, Jeffrey." Marina: Who is it from? Marah: [smiling] Now if I told you, then it wouldn't be a secret. Before Marina could tease back, Shirley came out of the bedroom. Marina: Who are you? Shirley: Hello. My name is Shirley Feeney. We're friends of Bill Lewis. Laverne: [standing behind her] Yeah. He said we could stay here. I'm [points to her "L"] Laverne DeFazio. Marina: I'm Marina Cooper. Laverne: Oh. Are ya related to Buzz? Marina: He's my grampa. Laverne: [lacking enthusiasm] Oh, small world, ain't it? Marah: [approaching them] I'm Marah Lewis. Bill's my cousin. My brother, Shayne, lives here, too, but he's out. Marina: And Remy's in Chicago. Marah: If Bill says it's ok, you're welcome to stay with us. Shirley: We're only here for a couple of days. Marah: You can stay in Remy's room. He won't be back until later next week. Earlier that same day . . . Lenny and Squiggy get out of the trunk of Laverne and Shirley's car. Squiggy: Now I know what an accordion feels like. Lenny: Is that a fish? Squiggy: No, stupid. It's an instrument of torture. Lenny: Like what dentists use to pull out your teeth? Squiggy: Something like that. Squiggy straightened up his leather jacket, and both he and Lenny grabbed their garbage bags full of clothes, heading for the nearest gutter. Squiggy: [stopping to read a sign] "Fashion Show" Len, we gotta go inside. Lenny: Why? Squiggy: Don't you know that fashion shows have naked women? Lenny bit his palm and stomped his right foot. They entered the building, and moments later, were tossed out by a displeased Marah Lewis. Lenny and Squiggy reached Company and spotted Marina alone on the bench outside. Squiggy motioned for Lenny to follow his lead. Squiggy approached her and sat down. Squiggy: Hello! Marina: Hi. Excuse me. [gets up] Squiggy: [follows her] You are a hot mountain of flesh. [touches her and makes kisses sounds] Marina: Get away from me! Lenny: We think you're really pretty. Squiggy: Would ya like to share the gutter with us? Marina: [starts hitting them] Go away! Shayne came out of the restaurant, and became defensive. Shayne: Hey! Leave my girlfriend alone! Squiggy: Uh..uh..[pushes Lenny in front of him] Take him. I'm too small and handsome. Lenny: Do you have directions to the nearest gutter? Shayne: Get out, or I'll kick your a-- Lenny and Squiggy bolted, landed in asphalt, got up and ran for their lives. That night, the boys spotted the museum . . . Squiggy: I bet it's just like my Uncle Elliot's Wax Museum. Let's go inside. Entering the building . . . Scene 5 - The Old Museum (Night) Laverne, Shirley, Marah, and Marina all sat down in the dark watching a scary movie Laverne: Don't look, Shirl. It's that big ugly monster you hate. The door opened up. Squiggy: Hello! Laverne: [stunned] Please, God, I hope that was the monster. Marina turned on the lights. Marina/Marah: YOU! Laverne: [surprised] You know them? Marah: [mad] Yeah. They tried to attack me after I caught them rubbing their faces on the clothes I designed. Squiggy: We was just looking for the naked lady. Marah: You got grease on some of the fall dresses! Laverne: Yeah, you gotta watch their hair. It's disgusting. Marina: They attacked me, too, but Shayne scared them off. [to Marah] That's why I had the baseball bat. Shayne gave it to me. They were about to run out, but Bill came through the door and grabbed them by the back collars. Bill: Whoa, boys. What's the hurry? Squiggy: We gotta see a guy about a gutter. Lenny: Yeah. We hear it's got a good view of the sewer. Bill: No, you see, I got a call from a buddy of mine today who saw you harassing my cousin. That wouldn't be true, would it? Squiggy: [nervous] I don't know. There are so many cousins. I have a cousin--well, she's more of a vamp. Bill: No, you idiot, my cousin, Marah Lewis. Squiggy: We didn't do nothin' to her. Lenny: Yeah. What he said. Bill: You attacked her and ruined her gowns. I call that vandalism. Squiggy: We didn't steal no van! Lenny: We rode in the back of Laverne and Shirley's car. Bill: [to Laverne and Shirley] Do you know these two nuckleheads? Laverne: Yeah, we do. There are neighbors from Milwaukee. Lenny: [to L&S and waving] Hi, neighbor. Shirley: We had no idea they were stowaways. Squiggy: I have you know I am not a stowaway. I'm german. Lenny: And I'm polish. Bill: Hey, stowaway means-- Laverne: Don't waste your breath. They ain't gonna remember it. Lenny and Squiggy ran out the door. Bill almost went after them, but Laverne stopped him. Laverne: [CONT'D] They ain't gonna hurt nobody. Lenny and Squiggy are just a couple of weird, yet loveable, dopes, that cut class the day they were giving out brains. Shirley: [yawns] Vernie, I don't know about you but I'm tired. Laverne: Yeah, me too. [to Bill] Thanks for protecting us. You're a real nice guy. We need to get to bed if we're ever going to wake up for the convention tomorrow. Bill: I'll see you ladies in the morning. I'll be by to personally escort you there. Shirley: Thanks, Bill. Goodnight. Bill gave them each a kiss on the check and left. Laverne: Isn't he cute? Shirley: The cutest, Laverne. The cutest. The girls all went to bed. Scene 6 - On An Airplane to Milwaukee; Two days later (Day) Laverne was fast asleep, while Shirley sat at the window side, looking out the at the sky. She reached into her bag and pulled out her diary. She opened it, got her pen out and wrote. Shirley: [to herself] "Dear diary, Springfield wasn't exactly what Laverne and I expected it to be. In one day, she insulted a restaurant owner, offered a nun milk and Pepsi, and called Lenny and Squiggy 'loveable.' I really think Laverne has finally lost it." Laverne woke up and looked around. Laverne: Where are we, Shirl? Shirley: Flying over Lake Michigan. Laverne: Flying, Shirl? Remember the last time I was in a plane and had to fly solo? I'm scared. Shirley: [finishing up her entry] "Yep. Laverne is really off her rocker. She shouldn't have tasted so many beer samples at the convention. P.S. I think that Bill Lewis liked me best. Shirley tucked away her diary for safe keeping, and laid back in her chair, turning her head slightly to look out the window once more. Shirley: [smiling] Oh, look, the pink bunnies are back. Laverne: [wakes up] Shirl, what are ya talkin' about? [NOTE: Springfield [on Guiding Light] is notorious now for putting "antimonious" in everything; food, beverages...etc. (Antimonious is a silvery white powder that's used in medicines) On GL, it's caused . . . halucinations, blackouts, dizziness, death...etc. Don't try this at home...it's caused too much turmoil in Springfield already.] The End