A Mom Wannabe
I want to be a Mom. But
I can't. Instead, I am a Mom Wannabe. I want to procreate. I want to
conceive a child, naturally, with my husband, in the privacy of our home, in the spirit of
love and passion, in the way God intended. But I can't.
I want to discover that my
period is several days late. I want to buy a pregnancy test and pee on a
stick. I want to see a + sign. I want to cry tears of joy for the news we'd
discovered. But I can't. Instead, I cry tears of pain at random, for no reason
and with no warning.
I want to experience morning
sickness. I want my hormones to go haywire. I want the "pregnant
glow". I want to have my husband talk to my belly. But I can't.
Instead, I try not to look pregnant. I don't buy clearance clothes for next year,
"just in case". I try to keep my emotions from going haywire. I
dream that my husband talks to my belly.
I want to take prenatal
vitamins. I want to eat for two. I want to schedule my first doctor's
visit. I want to sit in the waiting room with other pregnant women and know that I
am one of them. But I can't. Instead, I wonder if those pregnant women ever
had problems conceiving. I think how cute they look as they waddle with their big
bellies. I smile at babies that are not mine. I ache from loving someone I've
never met.
I want to hear the doctor say
"You're Pregnant. Your progress is right on schedule." But I can't.
I want to surprise my parents
with a new grandchild. I want to tell my friends and family our good news. I
want my life to change overnight. I want to read "What to Expect When You're
Expecting". But I can't. Instead, I have no news to tell. I
realize my life hasn't changed in years. I read "When Empty Arms become Heavy
Burdens".
I want to monitor the
progress. I want to see ultrasounds. I want to hear the heartbeat. I
want to watch our baby grow. I want to feel the kicks. But I can't.
I want to decorate the
nursery. I want to childproof our home. I want to shop for adorable, soft,
tiny outfits. I want to shop at Gymboree. I want to save money for the baby's
future.
Instead, I imagine a crib in
an empty room down the hall. I avoid baby stores in the mall.
We spend our money on
doctor's appointments, tests and high-tech procedures. We spend our money on a
dream. We are left with an empty bank account. We are left with empty arms.
I want to share the
experience with my pregnant friends. I want to compare symptoms. I want to be
the guest of honor at a baby shower. But I can't. Instead, I watch my friends
get pregnant quickly. I watch their bellies grow, attend their showers, see their
pictures and try to be a good friend. I watch their lives change and our friendships
change in front of my eyes.
I want my belly to
drop. I want my water to break. I want contractions. I want an epidural.
I want my husband by my side
and family in the waiting room. I want the pushing. I want the pain. I
want to hear the cry. But I can't. Instead, I feel a different pain. I
hear my own cry. Yes, I even hear the cry of my husband which hurts more than I had
ever imagined.
I want to hold our baby in my
arms, with tears of joy streaming down our faces. I want to experience the miracle
of birth, thinking "We did it", but knowing that God did it. But I
can't. Instead, I hold my husband in my arms with tears of sorrow streaming down our
faces and wondering what God's plan is for us and why we have to go through this.
I want to pray the one extra
special blessing be added to my life. And I do. I pray my 1000th unanswered prayer
to God and hope this time He answers. I pray for the miracle of life that only God
can give. I pray that someday soon He will give it to us.
I want to be a mom. But
I can't. Instead, I am right where God wants me to be: Thankful for our blessings,
searching out His will, basking in His grace, trusting in His perfect plan, praying for a
change in status.
From a Mom Wannabe, to the
Mom I WANT to be.
Written by:
~Alison Kathleen Whitney~
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