The following entries will be made as I feel the need to write. I believe that the only way I can stay well is to put my feelings down here for the world to see. Eating disorders are no laughing matter, and those of us who suffer from them are not here by choice, but by circumstance. It is my hope that all of you who come here will leave with more understanding, more tolerance, and more hope.
My name is Michelle, and I am a food addict. I became a compulsive overeater as a child as a defense mechanism against mental and physical abuse. Food became my solace... it kept we compnay at night, it comforted me when I was angry and depressed, and it numbed the pain of everyday living. It also destroyed me. It took my self-esteem (what little I had) and self-confidence. It destroyed my health as I ballooned up to 360 pounds by age 22 and could not walk up the stairs without almost collapsing for lack of breath. It made me the butt of jokes as I walked down the street with my ex-husband and my kids. It made me desperate enough to hide my eating from others for fear of being caught. Ultimately, it almost ended my life... but my Dad found a pioneer in the bariatric surgery field by the name of Dr, Kenneth Jones, Jr. in Shreveport, Louisiana who agreed to perform a Roux-Y Gastric By-Pass on me in a last ditch effort to save my life. So far, it has been a success, but the urge to eat has not been silenced. The fear and insecurity remain... as do the scars... both inside and outside. This diary is my attempt to purge those feelings and regain control over an illness so out of control, and hope that someone else along the way will benefit from my story. Today is June 1, 1998... and today is the first day of the rest of my life.
June 17, 1998-- Life has an amazing way of getting complicated even when you think the waters are calm. It seems to stay one crisis after another. My eyes have been glued to the scales the last two weeks. My boyfriend said he noticed that I was eating more and he is concerned, but says I get defensive when he brings it up. He is right. As a child, the more others harped on my eating, the more I ate and the more defensive I became. I have quit drinking sodas again and have been eating things like boiled shrimp and black-eyed peas and rice. My weight is stable at 130, but a part of me feels panicked anyway. I hate the obsession, the finishing one meal only to already find myself preoccupied with the next one. Financially I am struggling to meet the demands of the lowly homeowner...new air conditioner here, new roof there, food for my kids and school for me. Sometimes I feel like the whole world has gone crazy. I am grateful for Clay's love and support, even though the addict in me gets annoyed with him at times. I hope he knows and understands why I react the way I do. I'm glad that my boyfriend is also my best friend. It makes my life much easier, and I need all the help I can get.
July 18, 1998-- I am feeling really angry today. So much going wrong and I can't find any solutions as to how to fix them. My air conditioner isn't cooling well and since my son has asthma it is bad for him to be so hot. My homeowner's warranty doesn't cover it, and I don't have the $3000 to replace it...and my financial aid won't be in for two months after school starts so i won't have the money I need to pay bills and expenses to keep me and the boys safe...this is getting too hard. For all the good I have in my life I seem so overwhelmed by the bad. I just want some calm for awhile...so much negative energy around here. I need some calm and serenity. It's a hard time of year anyway...I'm in between the first year anniversaries of my Mom and Dad's death, and I am feeling their loss in abundance. Part of me, the child in me, is so angry that I have been left alone in this huge, cruel world and the logical adult in me is relieved that they are no longer suffering. Such a contrast. I have noticed that I seem to eat more lately and am hoping it is hormones and not the first stages of relapse. All I have left to do is pray...I know that God is the only salvation from insanity that I have left.
December 5, 1998-- It has been awhile since I have written here. Next week I finish my first semester of law school, and the schedule has been demanding. I haven't had time to write let alone think about anything except school. I gained 10 pounds this semester, and admit that I am quite stressed out about it ans well as upset. To me, it's a sign of failing, of going back where I was. It's scary. My friends and family tell me I look good with the 10 pounds, that I was too skinny when I weighed less, but a part of me doesn't believe them... I think that I am fat and they just don't want to admit it. The logical side of me knows that I am not fat, but the side of me that suffers from this disease poisons my logic. I am eating more, although I am trying to make sure it is healthier food. I had to throw out all the junk food again because I felt myself eating it more and more. My boyfriend will point out my eating habits at times, and the part of me that is diseased will get mad at him and think he is being critical, when in truth I know that he loves me and he is concerned. I hate this disease with a passion. I want it to go away and let me be normal. I know I can make it through this, but at times it feels like a losing battle. This time of year is hard. Mom would have been 52 tomorrow, and there are alot of bleak days ahead for me. I will be praying alot, for the strength and knowledge to pass my finals, for the strength not to overeat, and for the courage to face each day believing that I will remain well.
Sunday, May 3, 1999... I don't know what I weigh now, and I've quit looking at the scale, moreso because I don't have one than by choice I am sure. I am fairly steady with the weight, but my nerves have made me absolutely nauseated half the time. It's been six months since I have written, and I am now about to begin my final exams in hopes that my grades will get me back next year. I go into this knowing that out of 300 first year law students only about 175-200 will make the cut. If I wasn't so tired I wouldn't be worried. I feel like no matter how much I put into it I never seem to know enough. It's like falling inot one of those black holes when you are sleeping only to suddenly wake up gasping for air. I know the odds are against me... I can't study like I want because I lack the attention span and I have two kids to raise, but I'll never give in. If they curve me out then it will be with me fighting all the way, and as scared as I am of failing, I know that somehow things will be okay even if I do. I have learned alot this year. I have learned that people cheat, even in law school. I have learned that reverse discrimination is alive and well, and I have learned that sometimes in life your fate is sealed no matter what you do. There are times when life just isn't fair. When it's not, fight anyway, because for me, if I am going to go down, it will not ever be because I gave up. I will NEVER go quietly. And with God on my side, I am not fighting alone... but I am still afraid.
Sunday, May 30, 1999--Law school is out for the year...I have no idea if I passed, but I can at least say that I know I have what it takes to make it through a year of law school without giving up and dropping out. By the grace of God, I kept my weight gain at 5-7 pounds, most of which I have already lost again. Tonight my heart aches for my family... I miss them so bad and it hurts so much I can hardly breathe. There is so much I want to say about them, but the pain is so raw that I can't get the words out. I want them to be so much more than somebody's medical records or somebody's statistic. But more than anything, I just want them back. My Mom died two years ago May 1, and my Dad died on August 11 of the same year. My life can never be the same... there are so many people who think they know me, who think they know how I feel. They don't know. I love and adore my children more than anything in this world, but inside I still ache for the family I lost. And I am terrified of losing my kids. Sometimes the fear is so bad it gives me nightmares and I wake up in tears. I spend alot of time watching old family videos because I am afraid that one day I will forget them... their voices, their smiles...their love. For all that I have (and I am SO grateful for what I have), I feel so empty inside.
August 31, 1999-- I meant to write alot in here over the summer, but the Yahoo/Geocities merger caused a conflict with my account. I found out July 21st that I made it back to school as a 2L (second year student). I was thrilled and happy, but filled with dread at having to endure all of those long and hard hours again. I am now back in school, in my second week. Already, I feel overwhelmed. I had a rough summer. I developed health problems that have set me back a little. I think I may be having some problems from my gastric by-pass, but will trudge on as usual until my other health issues are under control. I have some kind of eye disease and I tested positive for the Rheumatoid factor, which may mean that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. So, I'm reacting aggressively, consulting with specialists and going to a chiropractor in hopes that I can fight it all off in the early stages. These are the things that happen when you abuse your body as I did. So instead of wallowing in self-pity and crying "why me", I prefer to be aggressive and beat whatever obstacle comes my way. Speaking of obstacles, I had a very interesting one recently in which the Ghost of Teen Year Past came to haunt me. When I was younger I made a hobby out of living in a fantasy world and I hurt alot of people. In my recovery, I learned that making amends was paramount to learning to like yourself, and I diligently sought to right all of my wrongs. I did, with the exception of one. It wasn't for a lack of desire... I just didn't know where to reach him. Amazingly, I did find him, but I didn't know it was him until we got to talking about where we were from. I think I am probably the last person he ever wanted to speak with again, and I understand that. But I took a chance and wrote him in an effort to make amends. I don't know what, if anything, will come of it, but my point to anyone reading this is that if you have unfinished business, you truly must do whatever you can to finish it. It is very hard to move forward when you have skeletons in your closet or amends that need to be made. None of us are perfect and I am certainly far from being anything closely resembling one, but I believe in trying to right wrongs when you can. Being able to like yourself and live with what you see in the mirror is crucial to recovery from an eating disorder. We must be true to ourselves. Today I am weary...tired, achy...but inside I'm comfortable with me...and I know that this, too, shall pass.
September 10, 1999-- This has been a hard week for me. I'm glad it is almost over. My boyfriend and I had a misunderstanding that almost messed us up. He says I am growing increasingly suspicious of him for no reason and that it is because I am insecure. I don't feel that I am ... but with all that is on my plate right now I can't honestly say that he doesn't have a point. I have lost everyone that I love. They all abused or neglected me somehow when I was young, and then died when I was still young and just on the brink of forging good relationships with them. I'm scared Clay might do the same. I suppose I am insecure, and I wish Clay could understand all the reasons why and try to calm my fears. For some reason, some of the things he does only adds to them... but he doesn't understand that either. And it's not his fault. He met me and got to know me during a very confusing time if my life, and he has watched me slowly evolve into the person that I always wanted to be. Unfortunately, that leap in self-confidence is an ongoing battle, plagued with moments of being terrified that I am not good enough, not smart enough, not woman enough. I lived my life being told that I was stupid, fat, ugly, lazy...and it is hard to get past all of that baggage. I have never been secure in relationships. I always believe the worst, and yet hope for the best. I want to feel secure with Clay...to believe that he is and will remain by my side, and at times I do. On the other hand, he has been going through alot lately, and is very distant at times, as if he is restless and wanting another challenge. Of course, I am more emotional than usual these days, and more likely to be paranoid than to think straight. I have had ongoing eye problems that seemed to have no explanation, and yesterday I finally got one: I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. My eye damage is permanent, and while there is a good chance it can be controlled with medication, it is also possible that someday it will cripple me and rob me of my livelihood. I have been told by everyone that I shouldn't worry, that it is no big deal. But I feel like it's a big deal. treatable or not, this is my life. And I am being told that my life is going to change...it may not change much more than where it is now, or it could be worse. And no matter what the odds of keeping this condition dormant are, there is still a possibility that treatments won't work. I have to face all of the possibilities, and I wish that those who love me could understand my fears. I am young, and I want to be able to enjoy these years while they last... to enjoy my kids, to enjoy Clay, to enjoy my time at law school and then in my legal career. And while the odds are that I will get to do all of that, there is also the dark side, the possibility that I will be wracked with pain, robbed of even more of my sight, and unable to live a quality life. This frightens me to the core. I know what it's like to be different, to have people make fun of you for looking different, whether it is due to weight, or handicap, or disfigurement. I have lost almost everyone I have ever loved, and I don't want to lose myself, my kids, or Clay. I guess I am insecure now. There are hundreds of gorgeous girls in this world who are young, beautiful, fit, and I can't compete with that. Abusing food robbed me of a perfect body, and now this may rob me of a normal one. It's hard to ever feel adequate with the odds stacked so high against you. So, yes, I am insecure, and scared, and lost. At the same time I wonder what tomorrow holds, I am afraid to learn the answer. All I know is that I am a good person with a warm heart and a love for life and dreams of becoming an attorney and sharing my successes with Clay and my children. I can only take comfort that I still have my children, Clay, my faith, my honor, my integrity, my virtue, and my intelligence. I hope that they are enough to sustain me through what is going to be an arduous journey.
October 11, 2000-- It has been quite a year, and I realize I have sadly neglected this diary. To begin with, I lost three of my grandparents this year in February, April, and September. It has been hard to say good-bye to them and manage to keep my sanity. I am still in school and doing well at this point. I'm working toward my goal of graduating cum laude. This year I hit my first serious post-surgical obstacle... I developed scar tissue at my esophagus opening as well as the opening to my intestines. So far I have had two EGD's designed to stretch the openings back up. It has been frightening. I lost almost 20 pounds in less than three weeks and now, three months later, I have only managed to regain 3 of them. My doctor is great and is hopeful that the EGD's will do the trick, but he has also warned me that if they do not he may seriously consider undoing the surgery. Naturally, I am alarmed and worried about the implications of that. I have worked too hard to keep my weight off and do not want to regain it, but at the same time I want to be healthy and feel good. My relationship with Clay is still intact and he has been here for me through it all. I imagine he is probably wondering why I have not already gone insane. :) In spite of all the obstacles and sadness, I still maintain hope that life will work out for me and my kids and that graduating law school will open new doors to a new and exciting future for all of us. Speaking of that, I am now entering the job hunt and hope to get hired at a good salary with good benefits so the kids and I have all we need to survive and maybe even do a little better than that. I'm hoping and praying that God will continue to watch over me and help me acheive these goals. Another obstacle this year has come into play for my kids as we have discovered that they both have a learning disability to overcome. I know it will be hard for them but I hope that they will watch me and learn to tackle the problem with hard work and prayer. Life has its pitfalls, but I have my two beautiful boys to get me through it all. No matter how down I get, I know I am deeply blessed.
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