WV MOUNTAINEER SMILES Welcome to our West Virginia Mountaineer Smile site. We're sure you will grin, giggle, and groan as you browse our Hillberry Hall of Hilarity! (Our special thanks to all fellow Mountaineer fan-atics who have contributed their humor.) We hope you enjoy our little pothole on the information country road!
Smile #1
Summers in West Virginia get as hot as two rats making whoopie in a wool sock.
(Submitted by: Sherry)
Smile #2
You just don't mess around when it comes to West Virginia outhouses!
Some of them have been handed down from generation to generation since the Civil War and earlier.
My uncle Oscar lived in the country on farmland in West Virginia. There was my uncle, aunt Eva and Maw, Eva's 90 yr. old mother. Maw was a farm woman, pretty strong and independent. She even knew the last survivor of the Confederate Army.
The house had new plumbing. But Maw refused to use it. The outhouse has been just fine all these years. Besides "only dummies would waste all that water....certainly not a real farmer!"
When my cousin Junior and I had lunch together just before he was to leave for the USS Hazelwood, a destroyer in WWII. We got to talking about Maw. I was making jokes about her preferring the outhouse. He was suprised that I hadn't heard the outhouse is no longer there.
Uncle Oscar and Junior decided they would clean out the outhouse pit, break up whatever solid pieces of outhouse was left and drop the scrap in the pit, pour gasoline on it and light it. THAT would end it all.
Well, Junior got 2 sticks of dynamite, one for each hole. It was a 2-holer outhouse.
Junior lit both fuses, dropped one in hole one and one in hole two. Then he started running like hell!
As Junior was running toward the house he saw Maw hellbent for the outhouse. Uncle Oscar, Aunt Eva and Junior ran, waving their arms, at Maw who was hellbent for the outhouse...sadly not in time.
Maw opened the door, turned, lifted her skirts when, suddenly, there was an ear-splitting
“kah-boom!”
Everbody screamed when they saw Maw airborne. But lordy, lordy she landed safely on a stack of hay. She was still cackling and snorting like an old hen.
"Good thing I didn't let that go in the house!! You never'd be able to flush it!"
(Submitted by: Joyce Bystrom, Miami, FL)
Smile #3
You Know You're a Redneck When... 2003 Edition!
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
3. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
4. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.
5. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
6. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
10. Your grandmother has Ammo on her Christmas list.
11. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
12. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
13. You have used a rag for a gas cap.
14. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
15. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
16. You can spit without opening your mouth.
17. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
18. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
19. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
20. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
21. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
22. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
23. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
24. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
25. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
(Submitted by: Paula Ringer)
Smile #4
Dear Ma and Pa: Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks.
The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving son, Zeb
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good. - Z.
(Submitted by: Glynn Sirpless )
Smile #5
Bubba calls his attorney and says, "Say Earsel Ray, I been hearin' they're suin' them cigarette compnies for causin' people to get cancer, an them them fast food fellers for makin' 'em fat, so what I'm wantin' to know is this: Can I sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've slept with?"
(Submitted by: Glynn Sirpless)
Smile #6
Sally Lee done fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
She told her Pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Sally Gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' maw don't know,
but Joe is yo' half-brother."
So Sally put aside her Joe,
and planned to marry Will.
but, after telling Pappy this,
he said, "There's trouble still.
You cain't marry Will, my gal,
and please don't tell yo' mother,
but Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half-brother."
But Mama knew and said
"My Child, just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
cause you ain't no kin to Pappy!"
(Submitted by: Glynn Sirpless)
Smile #7
You Know You're From West Virginia When .......
Your house still has the "Wide Load" sign on the back.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
(Submitted by: Glynn Sirpless)
Smile #8
A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license.
.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said "This duck ain't from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky huntin' license, boy?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said
"This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got a Tennessee license?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain't no Tennessee duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said "You tell me, you’re the expert."
(Submitted by: Glynn Sirpless)
Smile #9
A school teacher is explaining to her class that she is a Marshall fan. She then asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Marshall fans.
Not knowing exactly what a Marshall fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There is, however, one exception. Pete has not joined in the hands in the air group.
The teacher noticed this and asked Pete why he had decided to be different. Pete responded, "Because I'm not a Marshall fan."The teacher said "Then what are you?"
Pete said proudly " I'm an WVU Mountaineer fan".
The teacher, not content with that asked why he was a WVU fan. Pete said " Well my dad and mom are Mountaineer fans so I'm a Mountaineer fan too."
"That's no reason " the teacher said. " What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot? What would you be then?"
Pete smiled. "Then I'd be a Marshall fan.
(Submitted by: Glynn Sirpless)
Smile #10
A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse in rural West Virginia. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Morgantown.
"Don't know," the woman said.
He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U- turn and drove up to them.
"This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Morgantown either."
(Submitted by: Glynn Sirpless)
Smile #11
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their
faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his
mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won one thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it
all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob, the redneck
from West Virginia, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
(Submitted by: Glynn Sirpless)
Smile #12
Two West Virginia hunters were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness to bag moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, "I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose please."
When he returned to the lake, he found the hunters proudly standing beside two moose. "I told you guys only to bring back one moose!" the furious flier screamed. "There's no way the plane can take off with that much weight!"
"You're just a chicken pilot," one hunter said. "We killed two moose last year, and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off."
Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, the pilot reconsidered. "All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it."
So they loaded up, and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his takeoff. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space, and crashed into the trees.
Some time later, the hunters regained consciousness. "Where are we?" one asked.
His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake, and replied,"Oh I guess about 100 yards farther than last year."
(Submitted by: Glynn Sirpless)
Smile #13
An old West Virginia farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
(Submitted by: Glynn T. Sirpless)
Smile #14
Mountain Country Wisdom
(1) Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
(2) Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
(3) Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
(4) Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
(5) A bumblebee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
(6) Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.
(7) Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
(8) Meanness don't happen overnight.
(9) Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
(10) Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
(11) Don't corner something meaner than you.
(12) Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
(13) Every path has some puddles.
(14) Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.
(Submitted by: Glynn T. Sirpless)
Smile #15
The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new West Virginia quarters. "We are recalling all of the new West Virginia quarters that were recently issued," the Treasury Undersecretary said in a press conference Monday. "This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices." "We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said the Undersecretary. The winning design for the West Virginia quarter was submitted by a WVU Mountaineer. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
(Submitted by: Glynn T. Sirpless)
Smile #16
Two Indians and a WVU Mountaineer were walking in the woods, all of a
sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened
very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He
tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Mountaineer was puzzled and asked the other Indian, "What was that
all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?" "No," said the Indian.
"It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see a cave, They
holler 'Wooooo Wooooo!Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer
back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of
the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately,
there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the
cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Mountaineer wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of
the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this
cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some
really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening
and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo!Wooooo!" He grinned
and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering
call, "WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!
WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced
into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day,
the headline of the Local Newspaper read.....
"NAKED WVU MOUNTAINEER RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN."
(Submitted by: Glynn Sirpless)
Smile #17
In the West Virginia hills, you don't see many people hang gliding. Old Bubba decided to save up and get a hang glider. He took it to the highest mountain and, after struggling to the top, got ready to take flight. He took off running and reached the edge and into the wind he went! Meanwhile, Ma and Pa were sitting on the porch swing, talking about the good old days, when Ma spotted the biggest bird she had ever seen. "Look at the size of that bird, Pa!" she exclaimed. Pa raised up, "Get my gun, Ma." Ma ran into the house and brought out his pump action shotgun. Pa took careful aim and fired. The monstrous bird continued to sail silently over the treetops. "I think you missed him, Pa," said Ma. "Yeah," he replied, "but at least he let go of old Bubba!"
(Submitted by: Glynn T. Sirpless)
Smile #18
Hanging in the hallway at West Virginia University in Morgantown, are the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year -- "62 - 63." "63 - 64," "64 - 65," etc. One day a freshman was spotted looking curiously at the photos. Turning to a fellow student, he said, "Isn't it strange how the teams always lost by one point?"
(Submitted by: Glynn T. Sirpless)
Smile #19
Your Church Might Be A Hillbilly Church If...
** The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a
chandelier because no one in the church knows how to play it.
** The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the
offering," then five guys and two women stand up.
** Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church
holiday.
** A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive
truck; because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
** The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
** In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in
the church directory.
** Baptism is referred to as "branding".
** There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
** Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
** High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor a howling.
(Submitted by: Glynn T. Sirpless)
Smile #20
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm
gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where
to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene
got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got
pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant
again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "Heck - this year I'm taking Earlene with me!"
(Submitted by: Glynn Sirpless)
Smile #21
You Know You're a "Red Neck" Computer Operator If ...........
(1) Most of the e-mail you receive comes from people who want to borrow your truck.
(2) When your Mac is running a little slow, you try to fix it by squirting it real good with some WD-40.
(3) One think that bothers you is how hardly anyone who sends out e-mail has a handle, you get the itch to start a message with the words, "Hey, good buddy, you got your ears on?"
You can't figure out why Microsoft doesn't have its own NASCAR team. I mean, if it's good enough for Cheerios, Valvoline, and the Cartoon Network, it ought to be good enough for Bill Gates, right?
(4) Some guy asked you about your floppy, so naturally you decked him.
(5) You have been thrown out of several chat rooms for cussing and trying to start an online fist fight.
(6)The only reason you had your computer equipped with a CD-ROM was so you could listen to Merle Haggard.
(7) You're pretty sure computers would work better if Briggs & Stratton began marketing a model that cranks up with a pull rope.
(Submitted by: Glynn Sirpless)
Smile #22
Did you hear about the guy from West Virginia who passed away and left his
entire estate to his beloved widow? But she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
(Submitted by: Paula Ringer)
Smile #23
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in West Virginia? Documentaries.
(Submitted by: Paula Ringer)
Smile #24
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in West Virginia burned down? Yep.
Pert' near took out the whole dang trailer park. The library was a total
loss, too. Both books -- poof! -- up in flames, and he hadn't even finished
coloring one of them.
(Submitted by: Paula Ringer)
Smile #25
I was traveling down the I-79 in West Virginia when I had to make a pit stop at a Rest Park.
The first toilet stall was occupied, so I went into the second one.
I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall say, "Hi, how are you doing?"
Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers and especially under those conditions, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but I answered, "Not bad."
And the stranger said, "And, what are you up to?"
Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird!
So I said, "Well, just like you I am driving South."
Then, I heard the stranger get all upset and say, "Look, I'll call you right back, there is some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you. Bye!"
(Submitted by: Sheri DeBari)
(Visit Our Other Smile Webpages And Keep Grinning)
Click Here To Visit WV Smile Page 2
Click Here To Visit WV Smile Page 3
Click Here To Go To WV Smile Page 4
Click Here To Go To WV Smile Page 5
Click Here To Go To WV Smile Page 6
Click Here To Go To WV Smile Page 7*Music - Country Roads Midi*
|
|
This
Almost Heaven Webring site is owned by: WV Mountaineer Smiles! (Sharon Hillberry, Webmaster) Want to join our webring? |
| [Previous] [Random] [Next Site] [Skip Next] [Next 5] [List] | |
Mighty Fine Award!If you would like to help keep Mountaineer fan-atics smiling, please email your West Virginia humor to us.
Visit Our Home Page Sign Our Guestbook Return To Mountaineer CountryThe opinions voiced here are purely the rantings of the author and not those attested to by anyone associated with West Virginia University!