A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady replies "I want to kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a women in a compromising position - the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife - and shows it to the druggist.

He looks at the photo and says . . . . . . " Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"

I went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place. We asked how they prepare their chickens.
The answer was, "We just tell them they're going to die."

Mr. Clemens was vacationing on a riverboat casino on the Mississippi with his wife. By the second day, they were already fighting.

"Your dresses are too tight," he screamed. "You look like a tramp."

"Oh," she replied, "You want to see me in something long and flowing? If you find something long and flowing, let me know and I'll get in it."

So he pushed her into the river.

A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found a man face down in his tub. The tub was filled with milk and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks. Police suspected a serial killer.

George used to drive his friends crazy, no matter what happened, he always said: "You know it could have been worse."

One day his friends decided to invent a story so bad, that George could NOT say that. That evening George came into the pub for his customary beer!! And his friends said.. "Gee George, did you hear what happened to Tom? He came home from work yesterday early to find his wife in bed with another guy. He was so mad that he took his gun and shot both of them. killing them instantly. He then felt such remorse that he turned the gun on himself and now he is also dead."

Well George looked at them and said… "You know it could have been worse."
At that his friends asked. "What do you mean, how much worse could it get?"
To which George replied, "Well if it had been the day before, it would have been me!!"

A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid." answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What pool?"
"Uh.. is this 832 4821?"

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house," the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets. I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."

The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

Guy is going to be executed and is given three choices:
Electruction...quick but painful
Gas Chamber...quick but painful
Lethal injection of New...highly potent aids virus...not as quick but still quick and painful.

The prisoner says..."Ah, give me the injection"

The warden says, "Ok, but I hope you understand, this is really powerful and you will die fairly quickly and it will be rough."

The prisoner says, "That's ok give me the shot."
So they gave him the injection and he says, "Now, can I go?"
They stare with open mouths. "You don't understand, you are going to die pretty soon."
The prisoner said, "No, the joke is on you, I'm wearing a condom..."

Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead body.

Out of respect and propriety, the Charger fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The 49er fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Cowboys fan took his cap off and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Charger cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the 49er cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Cowboys cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.

The Cowboys fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

"Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised; normally when I look under a Cowboys hat, I find an asshole."

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death.

The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.

The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there or us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Hey damn fool preacher, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancy came up to him in tears.

"What's bothering you, dear?" asked Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news," replied Mary. "My husband passed away last night."
"Oh, Mary!" said the good father. "That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Yes...," Mary replied sheepishly.
"Well?"
"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'"

A tourist in Ireland decides to skip out on the tour group, despite warnings about terrorists. He slips out the rear entrance of his hotel and is walking down the alley towards the bright lights of a nearby pub when hands reach out of the darkness, a knife is put to his throat and a man's voice whispers an urgent question in his ear.

"Catholic or Protestant?"
The New Yorker thinks quickly. "I'm Jewish," he exclaims.

He feels the knife pressed even closer to his throat. "Allah be praised," whispers the terrorist. "I've got to be the luckiest Arab in all of Ireland!"

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
FROM: THE TREES

"StoP tHE LoGGiNg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To KIll oNe CeleBrITY EacH WeEK. theRe ARe nO SkIinG 'aCciDenTS'!

tHe TreEs

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved.

"Jake," she said.
"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted.
"Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess."
"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."
Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it", he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"

There was a doctor who was the most respected in town. He wanted more time with his family, so he decided to clone himself to cut down on his workload. He was very successful. No one could tell that a clone and not the real doctor were examining them.

After a while, the clone became vulgar and he would tell his patients dirty jokes. The doctor realized all of this and decided that he needed to kill the clone to save his name.

He took the clone to a cliff outside of town and pushed him off. The next day, however, the police found out and arrested the doctor for making an OBSENE CLONE FALL.

Bob called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner.
"Hello?" said a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," said Bob. "Is mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob said, "But you don't have an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down the stairs and now she's all dead, like."

"Oh my god! And what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. He must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he's dead too."

There was a long pause, and then Bob said, "Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?"

Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 76 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Judge: What happened then?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, Take me, young man, Take me!

Defense Attorney: Did he?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, April Fool! And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!

The coach of a well-known team had put together the perfect football team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away -- ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away --ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph --bulls-eye!

"I've got to get this guy!" Ross said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of football, and when Ross asks him what he wants,
All the young man wants to do is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl."
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son."

"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," the mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight."

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says "...I'll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."

Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortuneteller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I be acquitted?"

One day as Mr. and Mrs. Fulton were sleeping, an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"

"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.
The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."
The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?"
"My name's Phillip, but my friends, well ... they call me Elizabeth."

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself."

First man: My wife suggested that I take up a new sport this summer.
Second man: Well, that's nice. It shows that she has your interests at heart. Did she make any suggestions?
First man: As a matter of fact, she did. By the way, how do you play this Russian Roulette?

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

Aging Mildred was a ninety-three year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They Follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises. So the assassins set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go.

Noon comes, no dictator... 10 minutes longer... no dictator.
One assassin turns to the other and says, "Gee, I hope nothing happened to him."

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

"Your Honor, my wife is just being ridiculous. Most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."

"Mr. Smith," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce. I cannot believe chivalry was your motivation while driving 65 mph."

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."
After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my wife!"

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