Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.

The other night, my wife and I were going out for dinner. She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and said, "Does this look natural?"

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: "PIG!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner; he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

According to anthropologists, when Neanderthal Man lumbered home from the hunt, he was less then fully erect. This is not surprising when you consider how ugly Neanderthal Woman was.

Comebacks To "Why Aren't You Married Yet?"...
I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
Because I just love hearing this question.
It gives my mother something to live for.
My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to the Producers?
It didn't seem worth a blood test.
Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
Why aren't you thin?

GEOGRAPHY OF WOMANHOOD

From 13 to 18 a woman is like Africa - Virgin and Unexplored
From 19 to 35 she is like Asia - Hot and Exotic
From 36 to 45 she is like America - Fully explored and Free with her resources
From 46 - 55 she is like Europe - Exhausted, but still has points of interest
From 56 on she is like Australia - Everyone knows its down there but no one gives a damn!

A man and a woman the morning after their honeymoon night were discussing the previous evenings' events. The woman says, "You're a terrible lover!"

The man replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"

Dear friend,
This letter was started by a woman like yourself in the hope of bringing relief to other tired and discontented women. Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost anything. Just bundle up your man and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list. Then add your name to the bottom of the list, and send a copy of the letter to 5 of your female friends who are equally tired and discontent.

When your name comes to the top of the list you will receive 3,125 men. Some of them are bound to be better than the one you gave up!

DON'T BREAK THIS CHAIN one woman did and received her own nasty man back.

At the time of writing, a friend of mine had already received 184 men. They buried her yesterday, but took 3 undertakers 36 hours to get the smile off her face.

We're counting on you....
signed: A satisfied woman.

"You are so unresponsive," said the husband "that I wouldn't be surprised if you used cold cream between your legs!"
"And you," said the wife, "must use vanishing cream between yours!"

The last five things a woman would ever say.
1. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of being just friends.
2. This style is way to big.
3. I won't even put my lips on that unless I get to swallow.
4. Wow! It really is fourteen inches.
And then there's: "I'm wrong. You must be right again."

One day this fellow was out in front of his house raking leaves when he noticed a hearse driving slowly past with another hearse following. Behind the second hearse their walked a man followed by a dog. Not far behind the dog and walking in single file were what looked like at least another 200 men.

Intrigued, the raker dropped what he was doing and went running out into the street where he collared the man with the dog. "Who is in the first hearse," he quickly asked the man.

"My wife," answered the walking fellow.
"What happened?"
"She was bitten by my dog and died," said the walking fellow.
"Well, if that's the case, who is in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well," related the walker.
"The would-be leaf-raker thought about that a minute and said, "Can I borrow your dog?"
"Sure, just join the back of the line," replied the walker.

The 6 most important men in a woman's life:
THE DOCTOR.........because he says, "Take your clothes off!"
THE DENTIST........because he says, "Open wide!"
THE MILKMAN........because he says, "Do you want it in the front or back?"
THE HAIRDRESSER....because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
THE INTERIOR DECORATOR...because he says, "Once it's in, you will love it!"
THE BANKER.........because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you will lose interest!"

Did you ever notice that all the bad things that happen to women have "MEN" involved in it?
MEN opause
MEN struation
MEN tal illness
GUY necologist
HIS terectomy

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his manhood and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his private part and again wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He again unzips and takes out his rather large organ and wipes the tip off.

The woman by this time has had all the exposure to this rather bizarre scene that she can take and has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "Sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman then sympathetically says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her smugly and says, "Pepper."

A middle age man had an obsession with women's breasts. So he went to a psychologist and told the doctor about his problem. "I am going to do word association. I am going to say a word and you will say the first thing that come to your mind," explained the doctor.

"Oranges," said the doctor.
"Breasts," replied the patient.
"Apples."
"Breasts."
"Watermelons."
"Breasts."
"Wipers."
"Breasts," said the patient with the same reply.

"Wait a minute! I still can see the connections between oranges, apples, watermelons and breasts. But automobile's wipers? Where is the connection?" asked the doctor confused.

"Easy. One on the left and one on the right!"

A man walks into a building and gets into the elevator. He presses the button for the fifth floor. At the second floor the most stunning woman he has ever seen gets into the elevator and leans seductively against the wall. The man doesn't know where to look and starts to get very nervous.

The woman begins to unbutton her blouse and throws it on the floor. She then takes off her bra and throws it on the floor. At this stage the guy is getting very nervous. Then she says: "Make a woman out of me."

He unbuttons his shirt, throws it on the floor and replies, "Here, iron that."

Men beware ... your wish may come true

There are these three guys and they're out having relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says: "Ok, if you can really grant wishes, than double my I.Q."

The mermaid says: "Done."

Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q."

The mermaid says: "Done."

The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says to the mermaid: "Quintuple my I.Q."

The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider."

The guy says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," says the mermaid "You don't know what you're asking...it'll change your entire view on the universe...won't you ask for something else...a million dollars, anything?"

But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times it's usual power.
So the mermaid sighed and said, "Done."
And he became a woman....

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME

Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, laminate, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, bark, purr, HUG, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, ululate, trust, dip, twirl, dive, grovel, ignore, defend, milk, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail, super collide, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, reddi whip, embrace, delouse, accept, butter up, hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh, locomote, beg, plead, borrow,steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while she's puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, hezbollah, jihad, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey pokey, hanky panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
Show up.

A small boy watched as his father ran back and forth across the lawn, towing a spinning kite at the end of a long string. No matter how hard the father pulled, the kite flew erratically and refused to rise more than a few feet off the ground.

His wife stood on the porch shaking her head from side to side. "Henry, you need more tail!" she yelled. Her husband dropped the string in disgust, and mumbled to himself, "Isn't that just like a woman. Last night, she told me to go fly a kite."

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macys. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size ,color, and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.

A man had just heard the news that his wife had smashed up their car again. His weakness as a Christian was lack of patience and tact and he shouted, " How can you be so beautiful, yet so dumb?"

His wife's quick wit, however, was displayed as well, when she didn't miss a beat in answering his question.
"God made me beautiful, dear, so that you would want to marry me," She replied sweetly.
She then added, "And God made me dumb, so that I would want to marry you."

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.
A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"
To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said,

"That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she
consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool. That was when he got up from his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board, and did a two and a half tuck gainer. This was followed by three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said," That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things. "

"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness".

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

A Woman's Wish List "What I Want In A Man" (Original List)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

(Revised List)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't belch and/or scratch in public
3. Works steady
4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting
5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears matching socks
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends

A divorced woman had been on her own for several months and was starting to get extremely horny. She went to the grocery store and while there starting eyeing the attractive bag boy. She couldn't help but admire his youthful and sexy appearance. On the way out to the car, while the boy was carrying her bags, she decided to make her move. Leaning over to the boy she whispered, "You know, I've got an itchy pussy...."

The savvy boy replied, "Well you're gonna have to point it out, ma'am. All those Japanese cars look alike to me!"

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened"

"Good evening ladies," Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.
"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked.
"No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."
"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."

"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"
"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

How to impress a woman:
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, buy flowers for her, go to the ends of the earth for her... and then ask her to change her mouthwash.

How to impress a man:
Show up naked and bring beer.

A woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

"So?"
"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."

HOW TO TALK ABOUT MEN AND STILL BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a beer gut. He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

He is not quiet. He is a Conversational Minimalist.

He is not stupid. He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

He does not get lost all the time. He discovers Alternative Destinations.

He is not balding. He is in Follicle Regression.

He is not a cradle robber. He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He does not get falling-down drunk. He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

He does not have his head up his ass. He suffers from Rectal-Cranial Inversion.

He is not short. He is Anatomically Compact.

He does not have a rich daddy. He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.

He does not constantly talk about cars. He has a Vehicular Addiction.

He does not have a hot body. He is Physically Combustible.

He is not unsophisticated. He is Socially Challenged.

He does not eat like a pig. He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

He is not a bad dancer. He is Overly Caucasian.

He is not a sex machine. He is Romantically Automated.

He does not hog the blankets. He is Thermally Unappreciative.

He is not a male chauvinist pig. He has Swine Empathy.

He does not undress you with his eyes. He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment.

He is not afraid of commitment. He is Monogamously Challenged.

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.

"Things don't look good." The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"

"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team.
"Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."

Translating Men
"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means.... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Let's take your car." Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Good idea." Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?" Really means.... "I've just spent our last $300 on a cordless drill."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means.... "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means.... "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"We're going to be late." Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac, even though I don't need one"

"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means.... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means.... "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means.... "You want me to stay awake."

What's the difference between women at ages of 8, 18, 28, 38 and 48???
08 - You take her to bed and tell her a story
18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed
28 - You don't need to tell her any story to take her to bed...
38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed
48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed

FATHER: "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the LAST check she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."
DAUGHTER: "O.K."

Later.......
DAUGHTER: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18, this is the LAST child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."

MOTHER: "Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on HIS face."

Great female comebacks to bad pickup lines:

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yeah, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "So, what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A married couple was watching the show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" At the end of the show, the man said to his wife, "I think we will have an early night."

She answered, "Okay, but when I get to bed I am going straight to sleep."
And he said, "Is that you final answer?"
She replied, "Yes."
He said, "Okay, then I'm going to phone a friend."

Things You Will Never Hear A Woman Say:
1. I'll sacrifice my career goals and dreams to stay home and cook for you.
2. Biologically my body is built to serve you and nothing else.
3. Oral sex is my favorite hobby.
4. During my bad week, I'll get you a hooker.
5. Does this make my butt look too small?
6. PMS is just a myth.
7. That guy has great breasts.

Things You Will Never Hear A Man Say:
1. I'll sacrifice my career goals and dreams to stay home and cook for you.
2. Sure she has a great body, but how's her personality?
3. Beer leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
4. When Bambi's mother was shot I cried.
5. Forget the game, Oprah's on!
6. It's your decision.
7. I care.

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

A man was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 60 years.

While the wife was off in the kitchen, the guy said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"They probably think that I married you for your money."

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you."
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'."
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her ten carat diamond ring.

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

"We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: " All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

My wife came home yesterday and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."

I asked her what it was, and she told me there was water in the carburetor. I thought for a moment, then said, "You know, I don't mean this offensively, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator."

"No, there's definitely water in the carburetor," she insisted.
"OK Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."

A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, but the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some lovemaking, and he said, "You really ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."
He replied, "But they stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"

A lady got home from the doctor, and was admiring herself nude in the full length mirror when her husband walked in, "OOPS," he said, "What's are you doing?"

"I just got back from the doctor, and HE said I have the breasts of a twenty year old.
"Great," said the husband. "What did he say about your 40 year old ass?"
"Nothing, actually your name never came up."

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when a tall, exceptionally handsome and extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said... "Clean my house."

A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.

The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.

"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
"How so?" the encouraged man asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life
The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lay still!"

REASONS WHY A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN

1. You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
2. You can trade your .44 in for two .22's.
3. You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.
4. If you admire a friends handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try it out.
5. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.
7. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of your closet space.
8. Handguns function normally every day of the month.
9. A handgun won't ask, "do these grips make me look fat?"
10. A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep right after you're done using it.
11. A handgun doesn't care how big your trigger finger is.
12. A handgun won't complain if you are a "little fast on the trigger."

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and stay home at night!"

An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT Women and be POLITICALLY CORRECT:
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED -She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT – She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN and be POLITICALLY CORRECT:
He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME – He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING. He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER. - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK- He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG. He has SWINE EMPATHY.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC.
WOMEN'S BUMPER STICKERS:

Words Women Use...
FINE ~ This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES ~ This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.
NOTHING ~ If you ask her what is wrong and she says NOTHING, this means something and you should be on your toes. NOTHING is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last FIVE MINUTES and end with the word FINE.
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) ~ This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over NOTHING and will end with the word FINE.
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) ~ This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by NOTHING and FINE and she will talk to you in about FIVE MINUTES when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH ~ This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over NOTHING.
SOFT SIGH ~ Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY ~ This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO ~ This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
THANKS ~ A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say "you're welcome."
THANKS A LOT ~ This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

RULES MEN WISH WOMEN KNEW:
If you think you're ugly, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
Sometimes we're NOT thinking about you. Live with it.
ANYTHING you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
No, we DON'T know what day it is. We never will.
We're bound to miss sometimes!
A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.
Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

Congratulating a friend after her son and daughter got married within a month of each other, a woman asked, "What kind of boy did your daughter marry?"

"Oh, he's wonderful," gushed the mother. "He lets her sleep late, wants her to go to the beauty parlor regularly, and insists on taking her out to dinner every night."

"That's nice," said the woman. "What about your son?"
"I'm not so happy about that," the mother sighed. "His wife sleeps late, spends all her time in the beauty parlor, and makes them eat take-out meals!"

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"
"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how
to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.

The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"

Women's Mid-Life...
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear end without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and realize that it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless on film.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those will, too!"

Mid-life brings with it the wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks??"
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact, the only thing we can still retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally, more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

HE SAID ---- SHE SAID

He said...I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said...It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
He said...Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
He said..."Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character. Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence. The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common - they were both pathological liars.

A man came home from work sporting two black eyes. What happened to you?' asked his wife.

'I'll never understand women,' he replied. 'I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!'

'I can certainly appreciate that,' said the wife, 'but how did you get the second black eye?'
'Well, I figured she liked it that way,' said the husband, 'so I pushed it back in.'

WOMEN'S ISSUES

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
that says "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10.Dogs' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand
1. OTHER WOMEN

A woman picked up a few items in the supermarket, then headed for the express line. The clerk had his back turned to her, so she said, "Excuse me. I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, looked her up and down and said, "Nice tits."

How about a fast trip to page 55 of jokes?CLICK HERE will get you there.

CLICK HERE

Click here for Quester's life story in pictures.

This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page