Once there was a lady married to a man that was fairly good in bed. The problem was that he beat her quite frequently. After running away from the first man, she was married to a man that was very good in bed. But he left her for a younger girl.

Finally, she placed an ad in the paper: "Looking for man that is good in bed that will not beat me or leave me for someone younger."
One day, the doorbell rang. There on her step was a man with no arms and legs. She looked at him and puzzled, said, "What do you want?"
The half-man says..." I am answering your ad."
The woman smiles and says: "Well, I can see that you would not beat me. And also that you could not leave me. But how can you be good in bed?"
His answer: "Rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

An attractive 25 year old woman marries a rich 75 year old man. She figures that he'll probably die the first time they have sex, and she'll inherit all his money the perfect scam.

On the wedding night, she got the first indication that things might not go according to plan. Her new husband sprang out of the bathroom, wearing nothing but a condom, earplugs, and a nose clip. "Good God," she gasped, "what's all that for?"

"There's two things I can't stand," he replied. "The smell of rubber burning, and the sound of a woman screaming."

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to fancy department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove."

"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart."

"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again."

"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing."

"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night."
All my love.

"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

A very busy farmer married a very attractive younger woman. He was worried that when he wasn't in the house, and she wanted some lovin', that she might look elsewhere! So... he devised this plan; any time she wanted some lovin', she was to "fire the old shotgun" into the air and he would come a runnin'. Everything went fine until the day he died from over exertion. It was the first day of pheasant season!

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, three times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.

"Well, Sam, remember when you were thirty-five years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number two?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me, Darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were twenty-seven votes short..?"

Love: Before and After
BEFORE - You take my breath away. AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating.
BEFORE - Saturday Night Fever AFTER - Monday Night Football
BEFORE - Don't stop. AFTER - Don't start.
BEFORE - Is that all you're having? AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, Honey.
BEFORE - $60/doz. AFTER - $1.50/stem
BEFORE - We agree on everything. AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
BEFORE - Victoria's Secret AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom
BEFORE - Charming and Noble AFTER - Chernobyl
BEFORE - Idol AFTER - Idle
BEFORE - I love a woman with curves. AFTER - I never said you were fat.
BEFORE - He's completely lost without me. AFTER - Why won't he ever ask for directions?
BEFORE - Time stood still. AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere.
BEFORE - Croissant and cappuccino AFTER - Bagel and instant
BEFORE - You look so seductive in black. AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing.
BEFORE - Oysters AFTER - Fish sticks
BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other. AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.
BEFORE - Passion AFTER - Ration
BEFORE - She loves the way I take control of a situation. AFTER - Calls me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.
BEFORE - Once upon a time AFTER - The end

A creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:
1) religion 2) royalty 3) sex 4) suspense
The prize-winning essay read: "My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

You're sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties. Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy. And your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

A millionaire collected live alligators, which he kept in the pool at his mansion. The guy also had a beautiful daughter, who was single. One day he threw a big party. During the party, he announced, "My dear guests I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" Suddenly there was a large splash, and everybody gawked as a guy cut a swathe across the pool, swimming like a wild man.

The crowd cheered the guy on as he kept cutting through the water. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done!

Well I must keep my end of the bargain which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want that butthead who pushed me in the damn pool!"

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available a 2003 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin, and while doing so, he stops for a red light.

An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car
and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 1996 Turbo BeepBeep. It cost $500,000."
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure", replies the owner.

So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car all right!"

Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly...whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy.

"How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka BlaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and heavens to Betsy, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "Oh my god, you're hurt so bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies, "Yes.! For God's sake unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!"

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation.
She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except
a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the
corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the
girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check
whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the
sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts
the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another
man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts
the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third
man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows
impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and
appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have
no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

They had been having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the same time, still deep in conversation. But Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Chas was very well endowed.

"I say, that's a remarkable donger you have there old boy," Fred was prompted to remark.

"Wasn't always that way," replied Chas. "Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days," he said. "I got this done over in Harley Street, London, England. Cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see worth every cent."

Fred was envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and flew off to the Old Dart first thing.

It was a good six months later before he ran into his old cobber once again. Fred could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result.

"But Chas, I will tell you something else," said Fred. "You were diddled. I got mine for five hundred dollars, half the price of yours."

Chas could hardly believe it. Same address on Harley Street, same doctor. Complaining that he had been ripped off, he asked Fred if he could have a look. Once more they lined up at the porcelain and when Chas took a peek over the partition the worried frown, which had creased his face, disappeared. "No wonder," he laughed. "That's my old one!"

I was in the pub when Steve walked in all out of breath and sweat rolling down him. "Hey Steve! What's up?" I said.

Steve grinned and said "Hey there's this chick outside, she's giving it to any guy who wants it! Free of charge yet! I can't believe it. She's damned good too."

"Whoa!" I said "Really? Where is she?"
Steve pointed, "There, in the back of that Red Ford. Just knock on the window - she'll almost DRAG you in!"

I was getting kind of excited so I left my stool, went out to the parking lot, and walked up to the car. It was dark outside, and I couldn't see much of anything. The next thing I knew this chick was pulling me in through the door and began tearing my clothes off! Her hands were all over me, before long we were both nude and having mad rampant sex.

Then, wouldn't you know it, there was this knock at the window, and a light shining in. I looked up and saw a police officer staring through the opening at us. "Damn" I said, pulling on my pants. "Um... hi officer" as I used my shirt to cover the lower half of the female.

"What's going on ere then?" asked the cop.

"Um... I'm just making love to my wife officer" I replied. "Oh, sorry then Sir, sorry to disturb. I didn't know she was your wife."

His light was still on her when I actually turned her way. Then I had to answer, "Neither did I until you shone that damn flashlight in here!"

Two guys on a motorcycle were riding down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons.

Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest."

After thinking for a while he decided to put the jacket on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and wrecked. The farmer who lived nearby called the police and told them what happened.

The police asked him, "Are either of them showing any life signs?"
The farmer then said, "Well, that first one was 'til I turned his head around the right way."

At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year the staff decided to pull a joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else. When he went to the toilet, they went through his wallet and found his Tats Lotto ticket. Then, they wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank.

She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night's Lotto numbers, then proceeded to read them out loud before setting the numbers on the table.

The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again breathing really rapidly, and looking totally blown away.

After a couple of minutes he pulled out his wallet and Lotto ticket again, and checked the numbers, very carefully. Then, he sculled his drink, stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room, "I just want to let you all know something. I've been having an affair with my secretary for months. I don't like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to Hell, 'cos I've just won a shit-load of money, and I'm leaving!"

It was the end of the Christmas party as well as the poor fellow's job. His marriage was also ended. The waitress never even got her tip.

A fellow went to work one day and was met at the door by his boss.
"You're fired, and there may be a summons for your arrest out of this!" the boss exclaimed.

The fellow then started to drive home when the steering went out on his car and he ran into a carload of nuns. After the policeman let him go with the collection of tickets, he called his insurance company, only to find out that his wife forgot to send in the premium payment and that his insurance ran out last week.

On his way home, he stopped into the bank to get some money and found out that his wife had been there earlier with his best friend and emptied the accounts. After leaving the bank, he was on his way home and saw the fire engines heading down his street. Upon arriving at his house, he discovered that it was indeed his house on fire. The fire chief was sure that it was going to be a total loss. Again, calling the insurance company, he found that the homeowner's insurance also had been canceled.

By now the fellow was somewhat depressed and went into the local bar.

As he was telling his troubles to the bartender the bartender said, "You've got the chance of a lifetime. All your obligations are gone and you can start all over. Why don't you take this bucket, go up to Huckleberry Hill, pick huckleberries, and go door to door selling them."

Well, this sounded OK to the fellow, so off he went. After picking most of the day he finally had enough berries to sell. At the first house he stopped at the woman said that she would indeed take all his huckleberries but would he mind coming around to the backdoor. As the fellow got to the back door the woman opened it and was totally nude. (And not hard on the eyes.)

The fellow just broke down and was weeping hysterically. The woman was quite beside herself and asked what the problem was.

The fellow answered "I've lost my job, my car is ruined, my wife ran off with my best friend taking all my money, my house burned down, all my insurance has been canceled, and now... You're going to screw me out of my huckleberries."

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that is so horrible?

Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.

Man: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So then what happened.

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.

Man: Again?
Farmer: Something's ya just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: So then what did you do?

Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks it over with her tail.

Man: Wow you must have been pretty upset!
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So then what did you do.

Farmer: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

It seems that Pat and Mike, two salesmen for an advertising agency, were traveling together through the Midwest, when they were caught between towns during a driving snowstorm.

The further they went the worse conditions got, and they finally slid off into a ditch. Fortunately there was a house quite nearby.

They waded through the drifts to the house, and after a short conversation with the lady who answered the door, they were able to convince her that they were no danger to her, and she let them come in.

She prepared a meal for them, and during the conversation Pat and Mike learned that she was a widow of a few years standing.

Conditions continued to deteriorate, and she prepared the guestroom for Pat and Mike.

The next day about 10:00 AM, a snowplow came through and helpfully pulled the salesmen's car out of the ditch, after cleaning the road. Pat and Mike thanked the widow Brown and went on their rounds.

Nine months later, Pat called Mike, and asked if Mike had, by some chance, happened to have drifted down the hall to the widow Brown's bedroom after he (Pat) had gone to sleep. After a little hemming and hawing, Mike admitted he had. With a little further prodding, he admitted that he had given the good lady Pat's name, address and phone number as his own.

Where upon Pat said, "That explains this letter from her lawyer saying she has left her entire estate to me!"

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror.

He thinks, "I can outrun this guy!" so he floors it and the race is on. The cars race down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures, "What the heck..." and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen Mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were trying to give her back to me!

The cop left with a smile on his face.....EXCUSED.

A fellow goes to a gypsy-fortune teller who says, "For twenty dollars, I'll read your future and you can ask three questions."

"About what?"
"About anything", she says.
"Isn't twenty dollars a lot of money?"
"Not too much. Now what is your last question?"

It could happen to you department:
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.

Stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go!" Everyone else started honking, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people.

There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled, and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas.

It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away.

Once, in a small town, lived a man named Jack. Everyone in town knew Jack as a very optimistic person. Jack, whenever placed in a terrible situation would say, 'It could have been worse.'

Everyone in the town was tired of hearing Jack say that so one day they decided to lie to Jack. They went up to him and said, "Jack, the baker Bob found his wife in bed with another man last night! He shot the man and then himself! Isn't it terrible?"

Then Jack said, "Well, yes it's terrible, but it could've been worse!"
The townspeople said, "How could THAT possibly be worse?"
Then Jack replied, "Well, if it had been the night before I would've been dead!"

"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.
He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately to take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone.

So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction.

He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket, which laid on the sandy beach. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.'

'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, ' you really know what I think?'
'Yes', the lady replied, 'I know that you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom in it.'

A baby was born to a couple. When he was one, he could talk like an adult. When he was two, he could read anything. When he was three, he could do advanced calculus. When he was four, he could predict the future.

One day, he made three predictions: "One year from today, I will die. Two years from today, my mother will die. Three years from today, my father will die."

Sure enough, a year later the young boy died.

The father, getting the picture in a big way, loaded up his wife with a million dollars in life insurance.
A year later she died.

The father collected the million dollar insurance benefit, and, figuring he only had a year before his own death, went on a 364-day binge. Fast cars. Faster women. Exotic vacations. Flings with supermodels.

His timing was perfect, for on the 364th day, he blew the last penny on a Blue Sapphire martini and an exotic dancer with a taste for overpriced champagne and sexy lingerie.

At midnight, he toasted himself, "What a way to go,"and slipped off into what he assumed would be his big sleep.
To his amazement, he woke up the next morning. He had cheated death! He was invincible!
Then the exotic dancer with whom he'd spend the night broke the news. "Honey, better come quick, the pool boy's dead."

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her baseball player husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I had that hitting slump, you were there to support me. When my leg broke you were there. When I sent to the minors, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asks gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."

After rushing into the drugstore, the nervous young man was embarrassed when a prim, middle-aged woman asked if she could serve him.

"No, no, he replied. I'd rather see the druggist."
"I'm the druggist," she responded cheerfully. "What can I do for you?"
"Oh....well it's nothing important," he answered, and turned to leave.

"Young man, said the woman, my sister and I have been running this drugstore for nearly thirty years. There is nothing you can tell us that will embarrass us."

"Well, alright. I have this awful sexual hunger that can't be satisfied. No matter how many times I make love, I want to make love again. Is there anything you can give me for it?"

"Just a moment, I'll have to discuss this with my sister."
A few minutes later she returned. "You are in luck. However, the best we can offer is $800 a week and a half interest in the business."

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way.
I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week, I've sold fifteen cats."

Two friends meet in the street. The one lad looked forlorn and almost on the verge of tears. The other man asked, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."
"That's not bad."

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."

"I'd like that."
"Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."
"Then how come you look so glum?"
"And this week - nothing!"

Audrey G. was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief Audrey got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Audrey loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.

To teach Audrey a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, and meet at another home but without Audrey.

Sure enough, at the next bridge club meeting, Audrey started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say..." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.

Audrey was disconcerted, but only for a moment. Then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time because the bus doesn't leave until morning!"

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. That was the depth of the Great Depression, and I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

A Good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked, "Is this your floor?" "Yep".

Then the Good Samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs.

However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk.

Then went back downstairs. Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.

He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.''

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.

Once again the voice shouted: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.''

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. ''Where are you?'' the man asked. ''Who are you?''

''I am your guardian angel,'' the voice answered.
''Oh yeah?'' the man asked... ''And where the hell were you when I got married?''

Last month, a man placed a 911 call to his local police station and calmly reported to the police operator, "My wife, Gertrude, is missing."
The switchboard officer asked, "Sir, how long has your wife been gone?"
The husband replied, "I think about one month."
Why did you wait so long to report it?" asked the policeman.
The husband replied, "Well . . . Until yesterday, I thought it was just a dream."

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.

"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked.

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."

After an agonizing 3-hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'" The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.
"Very good. Six seconds."
"Eh, uh, the heart?"
"Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS."

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