A family was having dinner and the little boy said, "Dad, I don't like the holes in the cheese!"
"Well son, eat the cheese and leave the holes on the side of the plate." the father replied.

A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."

Trying to be funny, the daddy says "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."

The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"

Ever notice how a four-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices? Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

Two guys in a car drive right through a red light. "Man, you just ran that red light!" exclaimed the passenger.

"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver.

They continue driving through town and then proceed to drive through another stoplight. "You just ran another stop light! You're going to get us killed!" screamed the nervous passenger.

"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," repeated the driver.

Moments later, they approached a green light and they came to a halting stop. "Why are you stopping?" asked the anxious passenger.

The driver turned and said, "Because my brother might be coming!"

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
"You're coming empty handed?"

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!

Two football players are sitting in a dorm and talking about girls. One says to the other, "I never get lucky, I'm just too ugly..."

The other player says, "No man, you just need to go to where I live. There girls don't even care what you look like."
So the ugly guy says, "Well let's go!"

They take the bus and get off in the friend's neighborhood. They start down the street, and the ugly guy turns and sees this beautiful across the street, curling her finger towards herself and saying, "Come here."

The ugly guy turns toward his friend and says, "You were right. I'll meet up with you later. See ya!"

So he runs across the street and starts following the woman. She for a brief moment around the bend of a building and then reappears signaling with her finger, "Come here."

He continues to follow after her. She disappears behind another, then reappears once again... still curling her finger, "come here." Finally, he sees her at the top of an apartment's stairs... one last time she curls her finger, "come here."

He goes up the stairs and walks into the apartment that is pitch dark. He closes the door behind him, and suddenly the lights turn on. There he sees the woman pointing at three kids saying, "I told you if you were bad I was going to bring you the Boogie Man!"

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.

The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible."

The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God."
"She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"
"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."

Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."

"Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied. "So why is their dad carrying that rifle?"

One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

The little girl looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

Late one Saturday evening, the ringing of my phone awakened me. In a sleepy grumpy voice, I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech. "Mom, this is Susan, and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat, but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had misdialed.
"I'm sorry dear, "I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."
"Gosh, Mom," came the young woman's voice, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."

The first daughter came home and said she was going to marry a potato farmer from Maine.
Her father was very pleased, and said, "Make plenty of French fries."

The second daughter came home and said she was going to marry a potato farmer from Idaho. Her father was very pleased, and said, "Make many good baking potatoes."

The third daughter came home and said she was going to marry Dan Rather.
Her father was very upset that she was marrying a common-tater.

A former friend of mine was married to a great gal; unfortunately, he had to put up with his wife's mother who was a very cranky and spiteful person. In the morning when my buddy got up to go to work, his mother-in-law would sneak around a hallway corner and hiss at him, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you!"

When the poor guy would stop in for lunch, his mother-in-law would blurt out while hiding behind a drape, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave and haunt. Alas, in the evening while having a well-deserved cocktail, my friend's mother-in-law would pop up from behind the bar and say, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you."

Well, I happened to bump into my buddy a month ago and while having a beer I asked him how his mother-in-law was feeling. He said, "She isn't feeling anything; she died two months ago!"

I quickly asked him if he was worried about her ominous threat? He said, "Heck, no! I buried her face down; let her dig; I don't care!"

After a family meal one night, three generations of the family are sitting around chatting. Jenny, a four year old, is sitting on her grandfather's knee.

Jenny: "Grandpa, can you make a noise like a frog?"
Grandfather: "What?"
Jenny: "Can you make a noise like a frog?"
Grandfather: "Why do you want me to make a noise like a frog?"
Jenny: "Well, last night Daddy said that when you croak we can all go to Disneyland."

Four expectant fathers are in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence," the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
"Wow, what a coincidence," he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation."
When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
"Another coincidence. I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask what's wrong.
"What's wrong? I work for Seven-Up."

A youngster devoted an entire rainy indoors afternoon to a drawing he was doing with varicolored crayons. His mother finally looked over his shoulder, and, puzzled, asked "Who's that you're drawing, son?"

The son answered, "God."
"Don't be silly," reproved the mother. "Nobody knows what God looks like."
Not even pausing in his task, the son announced calmly, "They will when I'm finished!"

A census taker walked up to a woman who was sitting on a porch. After introducing himself, he said, "How many children do you have?"

The woman answered, "Four."
The census taker asked, "May I have their names, please?"
The woman replied, "Eenie, Meenie, Minie, and George."
Confused, the census taker said, "May I ask why you named your fourth child 'George'?"
"Surely, because we didn't want any Moe."

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "You do, Daddy!"

Little Annie was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"

"They're mating, Annie" he replied.
"What do you call the spider on top Daddy?" Annie asked.
"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."
Annie asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"
Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

Annie thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!"

MOTHER'S DICTIONARY
Amnesia: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again
Bottle Feeding: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am, too
Defense: what you'd better have aroun de yard if you're going to let de children play outside
Drooling: how teething babies wash their chins
Dumbwaiter: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert

Family Planning: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots
Full Name: what you call your child when you're mad at him

Grandparents: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right

Hearsay: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word
Impregnable: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid
Independent: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say
Look Out!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it
Prenatal: when your life was still somewhat your own
Prepared Childbirth: a contradiction in terms
Puddle: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it
Show Off: a child who is more talented than yours

Sterilize: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it

Storeroom: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything

Temper Tantrums: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children
Thunderstorm: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed
Top Bunk: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies
Two-Minute Warning: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises
Verbal: able to whine in words

Weaker Sex:
the kind you have after the kids have worn you out
Whodunit: none of the kids that live in your house
Whoops: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge"

Two sisters inherited the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they were in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they needed to purchase a bull so that they could breed their own stock. The sister who balanced their checkbook, a brunette, took their last 600 dollars out west to a ranch where a man had a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she told her blonde sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrived at the man's ranch, inspected the bull, and decided she did want to buy it. The man told her that he would sell it for five hundred and ninety-nine dollars, no less. After paying him, she drove to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walked into the telegraph office, and said, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explained that he'd be glad to help her, then added, "It's just ninety-nine cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only had 1 dollar left. She realized that she'd only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nodded, and said, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shook his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The sister explained, "She'll read it very slowly."

A family was all together recently, just hanging around. The sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud; "Did you know that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?"

The bother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours don't?"
To which the father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough."

The future father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"

The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

Mario and Marie, a nice young couple, were getting married and planned on living with Marie's mother until they could establish a place of their own. On their wedding night, they went upstairs and were getting ready for bed.

Mario started to get undressed, taking off his shirt first, and he had hair all over his chest. Marie ran downstairs and told her mother. "Momma!! Momma!! He's got hair all over his chest!"

Her mother replied, "Marie, you go upstairs and make your momma proud." So Marie ran upstairs and found Mario taking off his pants. He was extremely hairy all over his legs. Marie ran down the steps to tell her mother.

"Momma, he's got hair all over his legs."

"Marie, you go upstairs and make your Momma proud." Marie ran upstairs and found her new husband sitting on the bed taking off his socks. Unfortunately, he had lost half of his foot in the war. Marie took one look, ran downstairs, and said, "Momma, Momma, he's only got a foot and a half!"

At this, Momma yelled, "Marie, you wait here. I'm gonna go upstairs!"

An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many children she has?
"Ten boys."
"And their names?"

"Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy."
"All named Leroy? Why would you name them all Leroy?"

"That way, when I wants them all to come in from the yard, I just yells 'LEROY!', and when I wants them all to come to dinner, I just yells 'LEROY!'"

"What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?"
"Then I calls him by his last name."

"Do you believe in life after death?" a boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor fifteen to two."

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents' private conversations. One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"

My mom admitted to being a less than fastidious housekeeper.

One evening my dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and said, "You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel."

Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, "Yes, darling, that's why I married a college graduate."

Two old friends meet passing on the street one day. But one looked forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears. His friend asked, "What had the world done to you, my old friend?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."

"That's not bad."

"But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew kicked the bucket, and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."

"Sounds like you should be grateful..."

"You don't understand!" he interrupted. "Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."

Now he was really confused. "Then, how come you look so glum?"
"This week... nothing!"

"Does grandfather sleep well at night?" asked the younger granddaughter of her 90 year old grandmother.
"Oh yes, I've discovered giving him a warm glass of milk with his viagra tablet does the job," the older woman answered.
"Viagra and milk?" responded the granddaughter raising an eyebrow.
"The milk puts him to sleep and the Viagra keeps him from rolling out of bed," smiled the old woman.

"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth did you get married?"

"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'," was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that "I" am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The fucking funeral director," said his wife.

The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his new boss. "I'm sick," he says.
Boss excuses him.

The man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.

The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row.

Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week.

The following Monday, he calls his boss again. "I'm sick." Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man in to talk on Tuesday.

Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office. "What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday."

The man says, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another, and we end up having sex all day long."

"Your sister!" says the boss. "That's disgusting."
The man says, "I told you I was sick."

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families. "I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.

"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"

"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

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