Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -- 'Take a clean dish...'"

There are three skiers in a cabin. All three had to sleep in the same bed. The next morning, the skier on one side of the bed, says to the skier on the other side of the bed, "I had a funny dream last night, I dreamt that some one was jerking me off."

And the other skier replies, "That's funny I had the same dream."
Then the skier in the middle replies, "I had a dream too, I dreamt that I went skiing last night."

A man moved to an Antarctica village because of his new job. This village had many men, but no women. After a few days, the man started getting horny. He asked his boss, "What do you guys do when you're horny here?"

The man told him, "We have a barrel with a hole in it. Here I'll show it to you". The boss then took him to the hole and told him to put his penis in the hole. The man did.

After a few minutes the man took his penis out and was very satisfied. He told his boss, "Wow that was great, I'm going to put my penis in the hole every day of the week!"

"Not on Thursdays!" said the boss.
Confused the man asked, "Why? What's wrong with Thursdays?"
The boss answered, "That's your day to be in the barrel!"

Three men are buying their women something for Christmas. The first guy goes in a shop and comes out with a ring and a glove.
"What's that for?" asked one of his mates.
"Oh, so that if she doesn't like the ring, she can cover it with a glove," answered the buyer.
The second guy goes in and comes out with a necklace and a scarf.
"What's that for?" asked his mates.
"Oh, if she doesn't like the necklace she can cover it with the scarf," the buyer answers.
Then the third guy goes in and comes out with a Ferrari and a vibrator.
"What's that for?" asked his mates?
"Oh, if she doesn't like the Ferrari, she can go screw herself!" was the third fellow's answer.

BEIFELD'S PRINCIPLE:

The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of:
(1) a date
(2) his wife
(3) a better looking and richer male friend

COROLLARIES TO BEIFELD'S PRINCIPLE:
(1) There are two kinds of men in this world, nice guys and assholes
(2) Most women are attracted to assholes.
(3) Women that date assholes operate under the faulty assumption that assholes are basically nice guys underneath, and will stop being assholes for them.
(4) Assholes rarely stop being assholes for one primary reason, ... they're assholes.
(5) Women that marry assholes:
suffer through a miserable marriage with the asshole
divorce them and: marry another asshole (see #5 for possible scenario or wise up and marry a nice guy or give up and stay single
occasionally have a miracle occur and the asshole actually changes and becomes a nice guy (extremely rare)
(6) The number of women who are looking for nice guys is considerably lower than the supply of them
Nice guys finish last, because they refuse to treat women like shit and become what they despise (ie.,assholes)
Your attraction to someone is directly proportional to their attraction to someone else (If you're interested, they aren't) The attraction of someone else to you is inversely proportional to your attraction to them (If they're interested, you aren't)

There is a new Commander of a base in the French Foreign Legion, and the Captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds, the Commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that used for?"

A young man who just bought a BMW was happily getting out of his car when suddenly another car sped by and tore the door out. When the cops came the owner kept on whining about the wreck, "Look what happened to my BEEEEMMER!"

One of the cops annoyingly said "You Yuppies! All you ever think of is your possessions, you didn't even notice your arm is gone."

The Yuppie looked at his bloody severed left arm with that bug eyed surprised look and screamed, "My gold Rolex!!!"

"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."

A guy is shipwrecked on a celebrity cruise and he wakes up stranded on a desert island with a female looking like Nicole Kidman.

Anyway, after a few weeks they are having passionate sex. This is all fine and dandy for a bit, but the guy starts getting a bit depressed.

The female comes up to him on the beach one day and says, "What's the matter?"

He says "Well, it's wonderful, I'm on a tropical island with a beautiful woman who I love, but...but... I miss my mates. I miss going down the pub with them."

She says, "Well, I'm an actress. Maybe if I get dressed in some of those male clothes which were left behind in the trunks, I can pretend to be one of your friends, and you can talk to me as if you were down the pub."

It sounded a bit weird but he thought he would give it a try.

So she gets into the mens' clothing and they sit down next to each other, And the guy goes "Hey Joe, You'll never guess who I've been f**king..."

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blonde Chinese girl. I sat beside her and said, "Hi there."
Then she responded, "Hi right back at you."
I couldn't resist and added, "Nice day, isn't it?"
She replied, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem."
I had to know and therefore asked, "What's the problem?"
She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..."
I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus."

So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...by the way, my name is Florence."

I said, "Hello, Florence. My name is Bucky Goldstein from Arizona..."

"How did it happen?" asked the doctor.

"Tell you the truth, doc," explained the patient, "I was making love with my girl friend on the living room floor when the chandelier crashed down upon us."

"Luckily you are a fortunate young man. You have only minor bruises on your buttocks!"
"You're right, doc, a minute sooner and it would have fractured my skull!"

Pinocchio and Giuseppe were having a conversation recently when Giuseppe says: "How is your love making going with your new girl friend?"

Pinocchio answers: "Not very well. She complains about getting splinters in her private parts."
"So," answers Giuseppe, "go over to my work bench and find some 220 grade sand paper and use it on your own 'lady pleaser' and maybe that will help."
Some time later, Giuseppe asks: "Tell me, Pinocchio, how is it going with your girl friend?"
Pinocchio replies: "Oh, I'm not seeing her any more."

Giuseppe looks surprised and says: "But I thought you were really interested in having her as your girlfriend!"
Pinocchio's face carries a small smile as he answers: "Who needs a girl friend when they have sand paper?"

Two cowboys were leanin' up against the rail at their favorite bar...They're tired and worn out from a long day. Havin' a couple of longnecks, just relaxin' and talkin', watchin' the women go by... This really beautiful brunette walks by, and the two cowboys look at her, tip their hats back a little, look at each other, smile, and one of them says, "I'll give her a 3."

Other cowboy nods slowly, and says, "Yep. She's a 3 for sure."

Little while later another woman, this time a fantastic lookin redhead, comes walkin by in front of them... First cowboy looks her up and down, smiles, takes a sip from his beer, and says to the second cowboy, "Well, I think that one must be a 4."

And the second cowboy agrees, and says, "Yep...she sure is a 4."

Time passes on by, and the cowboys are still sippin their beers, just watchin folks pass. And across the room comes this absolutely gorgeous, drop-dead beautiful blonde... As she comes near them, they both kinda straighten up, and tip their hats back a little for a better look. First cowboy smiles real wide, looks at his pal and says, "Damnnn. That one has GOT to be a 6."

And the second cowboy nods slowly, grins, and says "Yep. DEFINITELY a 6."

Well, the woman hears them...and she is NOT amused. She turns around real sharply and comes right up to the two grinning cowboys... She looks the first one in the eye and says, "Excuse me. But, are you two actually standing there rating women?"

The cowboys look kinda embarrassed...lookin down at their boots, and they both nod. One of them says, "Well, yes ma'am, we are, but you don't understand..."

She is REAL mad now...and looks at the cowboy and says, "Well, I'll have you know I've been rated far higher than that by far better than YOU."

And the second cowboy says, "But, ma'am, you really don't understand!"
And she says, "Well. What is it I don't understand? Here you are, rating women. I understand THAT."
And the first cowboy says, "But ma'am, we use a different kinda rating system......."
The blonde says, "Oh. And what would THAT be? No one has EVER rated me a
SIX before..."
And the second cowboy says, "Well, we use the Budweiser method, ma'am."
So she asks..."What in the hell is the Budweiser method?"
And the first cowboy smiles, looks at her and says, real slowly, "Well ma'am, that's how many Clydesdales it would take to pull you off my face."

(Indian Sikhs are well known for having a thick head and being extremely silly and dumb).

An Indian Sikh fortunately became friends with a beautiful sexy girl and wanted this relationship to last forever. For this he made sure that he did all he could to impress her. He asked his girlfriend out on a date and was really crazy with happiness on her acceptance.

He wanted to look real cool and bought new clothes. But he had one BIG problem. His feet were so shapeless that nearly every shoe he wore would crack and tear. So, for this special occasion he had them hand made by the best shoemaker in the town. He wanted his shoes to be so cool and shiny that he could even see his face in them.

The day arrived and he went wearing his new clothes and of course those cool shiny shoes. The sexy girl was wearing a long skirt and seeing her he was so excited that he took hold of her and started dancing at once. During the dance he looked down at his shoes and said to the girl "Sweetheart you're wearing a pink panties aren't you?" The girl got very amused at how intelligent this man was.

Again one day when they danced he secretly looked at his shiny shoes and said, "Dear today you're wearing green panties aren't you?"

The girl was really impressed. Each time they danced he would tell the girl the color of the panty she wore and she would kiss him and hug him more than ever in amusement.

The girl being so excited at the Sikhs panty guessing, one day decided to give her love a real treat by not wearing her sexy panties under her skirt. As they danced and hugged each other she whispered into her darlings ear "Dear which color panties am I wearing today?"

She promised the Sikh that she would go to bed with him today if his guess was right again. The Sikh secretly peeped at his shiny shoes and in disbelief and anger shouted, "My god they're CRACKED AGAIN!"

My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?"

I said, "No."
She said, "Okay, then forget it."

Pickup Lines for bachelors:
"Is that a mirror in your pants? Cause I can see myself in there."
"I like your choice in pants, but could I talk you out of them?"
"Do you sleep on your stomach? No? Well, can I?"
"Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by again?"
"I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I'll make your bed rock."
"I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?"
"By the way, how do you want your eggs tomorrow? Scrambled or fertilized?"
"Hey, baby, I don't dance, but I'll hold you while YOU do."
"I was wondering if I could get your name so I know what to scream out tonight in my dreams."
"I know milk does a body good, but jeez!! How much have you been drinking?"
"Be different. Say yes."
"My friend over there wants to know if you think I'm cute."
"Why not surprise your roommate by not coming home tonight?"
"Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be."
"If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous."
"I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher. Have you seen one?"
"Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long."
"If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon."
"I'm new in town. Could I have directions to your house?"
"I love every bone in your body - especially mine."
"I lost my bed. Can I borrow yours?"
"My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, knead till hard, and serve hot."
"Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?"

So here are some pick-up lines that work every time!
Guy: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Girl: Exit, you should try it?

Someone better call the cops cause it's got to be illegal to be that good-looking!

To woman: find out her name and then tell her "Did I tell you that I am going to name one of my daughters (name). After she accepts or denies say, "Yeah, after her MOM."

Ask to guy/girl: go up to them and say, "Excuse me, do you have a library 'cause I would like to check you out

You know women are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped, which are you?

On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, "Get weighed."

So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses your weight. He looked at Rose and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds." Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.

Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed," she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose`s weight correctly. Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again.

Now Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.

Rose`s roommate was waiting up for her return and asked how the evening went.

"Wousy!" Rose replied.

After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers.
The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."
John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"

Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."

John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"
Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."

When I was in junior-high, all I wanted was a girl with great figure.

In high school, I dated a girl with great figure, but there was no passion. So, I decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency and she cried all the time. So, I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So, I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So, I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. But, she was so ambitious that she soon divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now, all I want is a girl with great figure!

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, so they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

"Would you mind terribly taking the dog for a walk?"

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers saw him they asked him what happened. He told them it had happened at church. They insisted that you couldn't get a black eye at church, and wanted to know what really happened.

So, he told them, "I went to the church---I got on my knees and prayed---I stood up to sing the hymns---there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen, and when she had stood up, her dress had got stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her and she did not like that so she hit me."

The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.

The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to the church---I got on my knees and prayed---I stood up to sing the hymns---and there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."

At this point the other men interrupted and said "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of there again?"
"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that---so I shoved it back in."

A 40-year-old man goes into a drugstore, walks up to the girl at checkout #3, and asks her, "Do you guys sell condoms here?"
She says, "Sure -- what size are you?"
"I don't know" he replies.

So she unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3."

They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves.
Then, a 25-year-old man comes into the store and walks up to checkout #3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"
She replies, "Sure -- what size do you need?"
He says, "Well, I don't know."
So she says unzips his pants, takes a couple of tugs, and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3."

They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves.

Seeing this, a 15-year-old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to the girl at checkout #3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah...do you sell condoms here?"

"Yep," she says. "What size do you need?"
"I don't know," he shrugs.

So she unzips his pants for a feel, pauses, and says over the intercom, "CLEANUP AT CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. CLEANUP AT CHECKOUT 3."

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares I'm of royal blood and an I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation. "

The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room. Twenty minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"

"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?
The nurse enters and replied, "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..."
She gets on her knees and begins taking him into her mouth.
"I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.
Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses."

My friend Jake was in a quandary. He was dating three different women and was in love with all three. He wanted to marry but didn't know which one and so thoughtfully devised a test. He would give each $5,000 and see how they spent it.

The first used the money for beauty treatments. "I want to be beautiful for you and make you proud of me for the rest of our life together," she said, after having dental work, facial, hair, and nails done.

Fine, he thought, this is a good sign. She would make a wife that would be most desirable. Then Jake visited the second girl friend to see what she did with her money. When he walked in the door, she showered him with gifts. "I wanted to make you happy with the newest in stereo equipment and even bought you the best digital camera that money could buy," she said proudly. "That is just a sample of what I'd like to do with any of the money I would earn the rest of my life."

The next day he wondered if anything could match what the other two had done with their money. "I invested what you gave me, and in the past week I've not only made your $5,000 back but an additional $10,000, which I am giving back to you for being so generous with me. In fact, I plan on doing the same with you for the rest of my life. That is how much you mean to me."

Jake was still in a quandary. He still loved them all and it was a toss-up for which would be the best for him to marry and live with the rest of his life. Which would you pick? I wasn't too surprised later when I found out the answer. I'm sure any man would have done the same when choosing between beauty, generosity, and intelligence. Jake chose the one with the best tits.

The clerk showed the guy the store's most expensive perfume. "This is called 'Perhaps'," said the sales clerk. "It's $285 per ounce."

"Listen," the guy shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't want something called 'Perhaps', I want something called, "You Can Bet Your Happy ASS You'll Get Some!"

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean two hundred dollars?"

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"

"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.

About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being exhibited for the entire world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans, "OHHH GOD... they got my girlfriend too!!!"

A gentleman was lured into a busy florist shop by a large sign in the window that read, "Say It With Flowers."
"Wrap up one rose," he told the florist.
"Only one?" the florist asked.
"Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from sports to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way, 'Take a clean dish and...'"

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road. "I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, " I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine... what's that?" she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone!" he replies.

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party ?" "Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." Protested the barkeep.
"That's right... My last four scores were seven years ago."

Bob's father and friends were throwing him the best bachelor party ever. There were hookers giving blowjobs "a la go-go", strippers as far as the eye could see, tons of food, great weed, and of course, some great porno flicks on a wide screen digital TV with THX surround sound.

Feeling the beer, Bob's dad stands up and hollers to get everyone's attention. "I want to propose a toast to my son... Bob, I'm so glad I could be here with you on the happiest day of your life."

"But, Dad, I'm not getting married until tomorrow!"
Bob's dad continued and said, "Like I said, son, I'm so glad I could be here with you on the happiest day of your life."

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.
The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After a while a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together."
"How dare you," said the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"
"Well then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.
"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"

"You might show me a little more respect", complained the girl as she and her date were driving back from "Lover's Lookout".
"Yeah?" said the smirking date, "Like by doing what?"
"Well, for starters, like not flying my panty hose from your radio antenna.

The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Avery, don't leave
it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.

"Don't bother," replies Mr. Avery, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine!"

A young guy was complaining to his boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend. "She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed.

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife," replied the boss. "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her."

Shaking his head the young guy replied, "That doesn't work. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.

Finally, he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did she look?"
"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."

All Bill asked for was a little goodnight kiss, but Anne haughtily rebuffed him with, "I don't do that sort of thing on my first date!"
"Well," Bill replied with sarcasm, "how about on your last date?"

Mary and Bill go to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves.
Mary doesn't like it and moves on but Bill keeps standing there and looking.
Mary asks, "What are you waiting for?"
Bill replies, "Autumn."

Pickup lines that failed… A man goes up to Mary at a bar and says to her, "I've got a condom with your name on it"
Mary says to him, "You must be mistaken. My name's not 'Trojan Extra Small'"

Anne was a knockout but alas, she also was virtually brainless.

Fortunately, this was no drawback as far as Bill's plans for the evening were concerned. He was delighted when she agreed to come up to his apartment for a night cap.

As he prepared the drinks, full of anticipation, Anne explored the apartment, stopping now and then to examine a painting or a book title, she didn't quite understand. Finally she stopped dead in front of his fireplace.

"What on earth is that?" she asked pointing to a carved wooden object lying on the mantel.
"Oh, that. It's African," he replied. "They use them in their fertility rites. It's a phallic symbol."
"Oh, I see." stated Anne demurely. "I'd hate to tell you what it looks like!"

A shy, drunken, innocent young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a pub and said: "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"
"Yes I do," replied the beautiful young woman, "But go ahead, as I'm sure you're going to ask me anyway."
"OK," said the shy, drunken, innocent young man, "How many men have you slept with?"
"That's my business!" snapped the woman.
"Oh, right!" said the young man, "I didn't realize you made a living at it!

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