Two tortoises mugged a snail. When he went to the police, they questioned him as to what happened.
He said, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we poisonous snakes?"
The other replied, "You're darn right we are! We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?"
To which the first replied, "Er... I just bit my tongue."

A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender.
"Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal.

Two male flies are buzzing around on a farm when they see a female fly sitting on a freshly laid mound of horse flop. They look at each other and one of the male flies says," I'm going after that pretty little miss. Wish me luck!"

So he swoops down onto another freshly laid pile right next to the female, fly and says, "Excuse me, is this stool taken?"

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh horse manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground.

As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the ground.

The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.

During my travels out west I was captured by a gang of thugs who vowed to execute me in three days for trespassing on their turf. According to their rather peculiar local custom, they said they would allow me a wish they would grant each day until the time of my execution.

On the first day I was allowed out of my tent and I grabbed by horse by the ears and whispered my message into one of them. The horse returned one hour later with a beautiful blonde riding him.

The leader of the brigands laughed and said, "What a one track mind that fellow has."

The second day I was led out of my tent so the second wish could be granted. This time I took great care and whispered my message into my great steed's ear and again he galloped away. This time when he returned there was a luscious red head mounted in my saddle.

The heathens laughed again. Their leader reaped his previous observation. "What a one track mind. He must really be stupid."

On the last day when I was led out of my tent, I roughly grabbed my horse by the ears and whispered as forcefully as I could, "Look you idiot. I said bring back a posse. That's posse....."

Is the robin cocking his head and listening for the sounds of worms in the ground or is he detecting the possible movement of the earth to tip him off as to the worm's presence? The temptation is to side with the radical group who thinks he tilts his head to get a better picture of a cock-eyed world.

Three pregnant cats were discussing what they would have. "My litter will be all fluffy with fur since they will be Angora," said the first.

"Mine will be handsome and proud since they will be Siamese. And what will yours be like," the second said to the third.

"I don't know. My head was in a trash can," the third replied.

One day a man was sitting watching TV when he heard a knock on the door. He walked over to the door and opened it. Looking down he saw a small snail crawling over his door stoop. Being rather disgruntled at the interruption, he picked up that snail and threw it as hard and as far as he could.

Three years later he hears a knock at the door. He goes to the door and opens it up only to find that same little snail. The snail looked up at the guy and said, "What the hell was that all about?"

Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years ago.

Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales."

The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly.

Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells "They're going to shore Let's go gobble them up!"

Just then the female whale becomes less cooperative: "Sure", she says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"

The reindeer wives are left home all night along every Christmas Eve...So the wives got together and decided to do something different this year...So when the reindeer husbands left, the wives all went downtown and blew a few bucks.

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

A man wearing a trench coat with nothing under walked into a bar with a large box. Placing the box on the counter, he removes the lid and takes out a huge snapping turtle that must have weighed at least ten pounds. He throws open his coat and reveals a tremendous erection.

Shocking his audience he pops the tip of his shaft into the open mouth of the turtle. Immediately the turtle snaps on the member and the man walks the length of the bar with the turtle swinging back and forth as he walks.

After eyeing every customer, the man makes a fist and smacks the turtle on the head as hard as he could. The turtle releases his jaws and drops to the floor. Gathering him up and putting him back in the box, the man says, "I'll give any man one thousand dollars if they can do the same thing."

A skinny little nerdish man on the end says, "I'll do it if you promise not to bang me on the head like that when I'm done."

Three mice are in a bar talking about how tough each one of them is. The first one takes a shot of whiskey and says, "I'm so tough, I trip mouse traps and bench press the bar."

The next one takes a shot of whiskey and says, "I'm so tough, I roll up D con and smoke it."

The last one takes his shot of whiskey and proceeds toward the door when the other two ask where he's going. He says, "I going home to screw the cat!"

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and two feet, grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand.

He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the colorful sheer dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.

She does and that gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does and the poor worked-up gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.

Now try lifting your dress up your thighs. She obliges the request but is astonished when the gorilla grabs at his sexual parts and waves them at the couple.

"I wonder what would happen if you took your panties off as well," asked the fellow, becoming rather aroused at what was taking place.

By now the gorilla is making all kinds of signs with his hands and fingers. Then he beat on his chest and pointed to the man. A passing older lady sniggered and said to the man: "I can read sign language. The hairy one just said, `Get rid of that show-off bitch and come around to the door. Have something for you."

Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

A husband and wife are at home when there's a knock at their door. The guy gets up to answer it. Standing at the door is an enormous cockroach. As soon as the guy starts to speak, the cockroach yells "You idiot!" It smacks him in the face and runs off.

The guy staggers back inside. "What happened?" asks his wife.
"A six foot cockroach just called me an idiot and smacked me in the face!" he says.
His wife nods sagely: "Yes," she says. "There is a nasty bug going round."

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.

The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd.

The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife, but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.

"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"

Three ducks were arrested for being on private property and went to court to be tried. Judge asks the first duck his name. "Quack," came the immediate response.

"And, Mr. Quack, what were you doing on the pond?"
"Nothing really, just blowing bubbles."
Second duck takes the stand. Judge asked him to give the court his name.
"QUACK QUACK," was the immediate response.
"And what were you doing on the pond Quack Quack?" asked the judge.
"Nothing really. Just blowing bubbles."
Third duck takes the stand. The judge says, "And I suppose your name is Quack Quack Quack?"
"No sir. My name is Bubbles."

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!" the bats all screamed in frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat. "Because I sure didn't!"

Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away!

Further down the road Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf."

Wolf says, "Damn!" Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you fuck off, I'm trying to have a shit!"

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road was a stray rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him".

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied. "The hens are round the back."

Two birds were sitting on the roof of an aircraft hangar, when an air force jet flew over them, just clearing the hangar's roof. One bird said to the other " Good Lord was that ever one fast bird!"

That was when the other bird couldn't help saying, "So would you if your bum was on fire."

A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car. The penguin, being a good-natured bird, didn't complain but wondered off to find the closest supermarket.

He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream.

The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal."
Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."

Scene: the edge of the L.A. tar-pits.
Emerging dinosaur to surprised tourists: "Why so surprised. Bet you thought I was extinct, huh?"
Female tourist holding her nose: "Actually, whether you know it or not, you really are. Go take a shower."

Little Red Riding hood goes walking through the forest to her grandmothers' house. Suddenly, a big bad wolf jumps out from behind a tree and says, "I am going to push you on the ground and make love to you!"

And Little Red says, "No, you are going to eat me like the story says or I'm calling in the hunter guys!"

Isn't it interesting how birds are chosen as symbols for various concepts in society? For instance, the bird of wisdom is the owl. And the Bald Eagle is a symbol of American patriotism and liberty. The swan is the symbol for grace. The dove... love. But do you know what the bird of TRUE love is? The swallow!

A guy walks into a bar, and there's a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is staring at the horse, when the horse says, "Hey buddy? What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?"

The guy says, "No, it's not that... it's just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

A couple of months ago, I couldn't not find my cat for 2 days. On the third day I was out by the fence out back, and I spotted my neighbor, Tom, digging a good sized hole.
"Why are you digging that hole, Tom?" I asked.
"To bury my beautiful parakeet", he replied.
"Big job," I said. "Iit does seem like a rather large hole for a parakeet".
"Well", he said, "My parakeet is INSIDE your bird-sucking cat!"

A Bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says, "What'll it be?"

The man says," I'll have a pint," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have a pint as well," says the ostrich.
Bloke looks at the cat, and says, "I suppose you want a drink too."
The cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't fookin' payin'!"

So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says, "That'll be three forty, please." The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change.

A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket.
The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar.
"I'll have a pint," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich, and the cat orders up a half... "But I ain't fookin' payin'!"

Repeat of yesterday. The bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket. This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again.

"The same?" asks the barman. "Well," says the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch." He turns to the ostrich inquiringly.

The bird says, "I'll have a large scotch as well."
The cat says, "I'll have a small scotch... but I ain't fookin' payin'!"
The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, "That'll be seven twenty, please."
To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven twenty out of his pocket.

As the trioare finishing their drinks, the barman can contain his curiosity no longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know ... how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket...every time?"

"Well," says the man, "it's a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes."

That's fantastic," says the barkeep, "what did you wish for?"
"Well, if I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there."

"That's brilliant" says the barman, "most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live."

"That's right, whether it's a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!"

As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last thing, sir... err, your friends there ... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinkin' in 'ere...?"

The man looks glum. "Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

A dog looks at its master, runs to the master, wags his tail, jumps up and down in excitement, wiggles his entire body, hangs out his tongue, while saying, "Yes, yes, yes!! What can I do for you? What can I do for you? What can I do for YOU?"

A cat looks at its (hah!) master and says, "So?"

TOP SIGNS YOUR CAT IS PLANNING TO KILL YOU
1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
2. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.
3. He actually _does_ have your tongue.
4. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.
5. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
6. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
7. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
8. Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."
9. Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?"
10. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.
11. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldgerg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
12. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
13. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.

A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says, "Sure, we can put you up."

The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig that is sitting at the table like a human.

Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, which sports three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg. Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks "Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?"

The farmer says "Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son's life. So, we gave him the medal."

The vagrant is amazed and says "Well, how about that silver medal?"

The farmer says "A few months ago our house caught fire in the middle of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the flames, busted out of his pen
and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal."

The homeless man says "While I'm at it, I might as well ask you about the gold medal."

The farmer says "My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago. This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal."

The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his meal with a knife and fork. He asks "What about the wooden leg?"

The farmer says, matter-of-factly, "Well, you don't eat a pig like THAT all at once!"

What is a cat?
+ Cats do what they want.
+ They rarely listen to you.
+ They're totally unpredictable.
+ They whine when they are not happy.
+ When you want to play, they want to be alone.
+ When you want to be alone, they want to play.
+ They expect you to cater to their every whim.
+ They're moody.
+ They leave hair everywhere.
+ They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats

What is a dog?
+ They follow you around with their tongues out.
+ They only respond to simple commands.
+ Their needs are basic and predictable.
+ They whine when their needs are not met.
+ They always need to have something in their mouth.
+ They scratch a lot and sometimes drool.
+ They make loud noises and sometimes smell bad.
+ They need to be trained.
+ You can always tell when one has lived in a house for a long time.
+ They're rude and rowdy, especially when they're with others like them.
Conclusion: They're little men in fuzzy costumes

A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?"

The mother replied, "Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand."

Two minutes later the young camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?"
They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert," the mother said.
"Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?"
"They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time."

"So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water."

"Yes dear," said the mother.
"So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?"

Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human housetrained in no time.

CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.

COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.

FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.

MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.

TOILET TRAINING: A human's natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the "laziness reflex," this can be easily corrected through what is called "shoe therapy." Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.

Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.

Three racehorses were standing in a stable bragging to each other one day. The first horse boasts, "I've been in fifty-nine races and I've won thirty-five of them."

"That's nothing," says the second horse. "I've raced ninety-seven times, and I've won seventy-eight of them!"
The third horse joins in: "Well, I've raced a hundred and twenty-two times and I've won a hundred and two!"
Just then, the horses hear a voice say, "I've got you all beat!"
The horses look down and see a greyhound. "I've raced over two hundred times, and I have NEVER lost!"
The horses look at the dog in amazement. One of them says "How about that! A talking dog!"

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoos most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, 'Help, Help me!' but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, 'Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?'

There was a guy driving down the road with two penguins in the back of his car. A policeman pulled him over and said, "I suggest you take these penguins to the zoo."

The man took a look at the penguins, and then agreed. The next day the same guy, still with the two penguins in his car, got pulled over by the same cop.

The cop said, "Hey Buddy, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
The man looked at him proudly and said, "I did, I'm taking them to the park today!"

A man and a woman are driving in the car when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They top, the woman gets out, picks it up and brings it back into the car.

She says: "It looks cold, what should I do?"
He says: "Put it between your legs."
She says: "What about the smell?"
He says: "Hold its nose."

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.

"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.
The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago."

The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory."
"Yep," says the elephant. "I have turtle recall."

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

A man took his old duck to the doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up its food.

"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."

The man goes about his business and about a week later the doctor runs into his patient.
"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.
"He's dead," declared the heartbroken man.
"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor.
"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise."

A little boy's cat gets run over while he was in school. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."

The boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"

A cat goes up to a rooster and says, "I can do anything you can do!" The rooster took the challenge and jumped over a broomstick. The cat jumped over the broomstick and said, "See, I can do anything you can do!"

The rooster then went to a tiny brook, jumped/flew across and then asked the cat to do it. The cat ran, jumped, and fell in the water. The rooster had a great laugh as the cat got out of the water. The moral of this story is: Wherever there is a wet pussy, there's a happy cock.

Charles was working for many years as the elephant trainer in a local Circus. Then after a few rough years, he was allowed to go with a thank you, one of the elephants and a few bails of hay when the Circus went bust.

Feeling rather depressed he got to wondering how he was going to survive with only an elephant and no career any more. Then he remembered his days in the Circus and realized he was onto a good thing.

In all his years in the Circus, he had trained elephants to lift one leg off the ground, lift two legs off the ground and even lift three legs off the ground but NEVER had he seen four legs off the ground at once.

Near and far he advertised, $1 to try, win $1000 if you can make the elephant lift 4 legs off the ground at once.

People came from near and far to try and Charles was raking the money and had made about $700 when one day a fellow arrived in a red convertible.

He asked about the rules of the contest and paid his money. He walked back to the car, took out a baseball bat, walked to the front of the elephant, and looked him in the eye long and hard. Then he walked around the back of the elephant, took a mighty swing and struck the animal in the testicles.

At once the elephant leapt into the air and Charles was down $1000 and feeling *very* sorry for himself.

Then he remembered his days at the Circus and in all his days he had never seen an elephant move his head side to side. Up and down he had seen, round and round he had seen but NEVER side to side. Near and far he advertised, $1 to try, win $1000 if you can make the elephant move his head side to side.

People came from near and far to try and Charles was raking the money when one day a fellow arrived in a red convertible. Again he asked the rules and walked to his car. He returned with a baseball bat, walked to the front of the elephant and looked the animal in the eye long and hard and said, ''You remember me, don't you?''

The elephant nodded.
''You remember what I did to you?''
The elephant nodded.
''You remember the PAIN?''
The elephant nodded.
''Do you want me to do it again?''

There was this guy who was in the war and during conflict lost a very important part of his anatomy, so he decided he would never be able to get married. Then one day, while he was working at his job at the zoo as keeper of the gorillas, he met this lady and fell in love. They decided to get married, and after three months, she was pressuring him to consummate their marriage. He told her, "Tomorrow night."

He snuck home the next day while she was out and put a gorilla in the closet. That night, they got in bed and he got up and put the gorilla in bed with his wife. He got up early the next day and took the gorilla back to the zoo.

About three months later, his wife told him she was pregnant. When it came Time for her to have the baby, he was a nervous wreck. When the doctor came out, he said, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

The doctor said, "We don't know, we can't get the hairy bastard down off the light!"

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"
"Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified wildebeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, making the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a corn tortilla and then ambled away.

The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "Geez, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off!"

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin'?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin' but liars!!!"

A daddy, mommy and baby mole are in their hole relaxing one morning when the daddy mole sticks his head out of the hole and says, "I smell pancakes".

The mommy mole sticks her head out the tiny hole and says, "I smell pancakes too...pancakes with maple syrup!! Baby mole come smell the pancakes with maple syrup".

The baby mole sticks his head upwards to get to the hole and exclaims "I can't smell anything but molasses"

Bear Jokes
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!"

One Sunday a preacher cancelled his services and went bear hunting. At mid morning he spotted a large bear and while stalking it, he slipped, dropped his rifle down a ravine, and made enough noise to attract the bear. Taking off with the bear in hot pursuit, he unfortunately tripped over a vine and the bear was nearly upon him. On impulse he started to pray.

"Lord", he said, please give that bear some Christian attributes."

Sure enough, about ten feet away the bear stopped, looked up into the sky and breathed, "Lord for the bounty I am about to receive, I thank you."

A bear walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve bears."

The bear demands a drink, but the bartender keeps refusing. Finally, the bear, glancing over at a woman sitting on a stool near him, says, "Either give me a drink, or I'll bite off the arm of this woman sitting next to me."

The bartender still refuses, so the bear leans over and bites off her arm. "Now, get me a drink, or I'll bite off her other arm too."

But the bartender says no again, so the bear turns around, eats the rest of the women, and says, "Now get me a drink, or you're next."

The bartender shrugs. "Sorry, we don't serve people who take drugs."
The bear says, "I haven't taken any drugs."
But the bartender replies, "Well, that was a bar-bitch-u-ate."

Chin-Chin the panda was on trial for entering a New York City restaurant, eating dinner, pulling out a machine gun, and shooting out the windows and doors.

The judge looked at Chin-Chin's lawyer and proclaimed, "Thirty eyewitnesses saw your client pay for dinner, shoot up the place, and leave. Security cameras caught the entire incident on video. I have no choice but to sentence your client..."

"Wait a second, your honor," said the lawyer, "My client may be guilty, but there are extenuating circumstances. He couldn't help his behavior that night, and if you look up the word 'panda' in the dictionary, you'll have no choice but to agree."

The judge was puzzled, but he had his secretary bring his dictionary into court. There, under the letter P, he found; "PANDA: Black and white bear from China that eats shoots and leaves."

Monkey jokes
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender sees this and screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard.sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff". He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", the guy replied. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."

A man was barbequing a chicken on a rotisserie in his back yard when a drunk strolled by. He stood and watched for a couple of minutes and then said, "I don't want to bug you or anything, man, but your music has stopped and your monkey's on fire!"

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey. "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this accident?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey made a copulating motion.
"Screwing?" "They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking dope and screwing before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down a monkey swings across the bar and urinates in the pint. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player.

The man walks over to the piano player and says, "Do you know your monkey just urinated in my beer?"
The pianist replies, "No, but if you hum it I'll play it."

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden a cat attacks them.
The mother mouse goes, "Roof! Roof! Wooof!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now you know why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

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