Actually you can send those new jokes to Quester® ©2000 gquester@hotmail.com
From 13 to 18 a woman is like Africa ? Virgin and Unexplored
From 19 to 35 she is like Asia ? Hot and Exotic
From 36 to 45 she is like America ? Fully explored and Free with her resources
From 46 ? 55 she is like Europe ? Exhausted, but still has points of interest
From 56 on she is like Australia ? Everyone knows its down there but no one gives a damn!
A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO. It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka?Blaaaaam! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain.
He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man moans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view irror!"
A man and his son went to the grocery store and were in line at the checkout counter when the son says to his dad, "Look at that lady in front of us, daddy, she's fat"
The man notices the lady but politely tells his son, "That's not a nice thing to say."
The son continued to stare and point and then said, "No daddy, she's REALLY fat."
The man said, "Please son, we're almost done here, behave and quit saying those things."
Just then the lady's beeper went off and the son said, "Watch out dad, she's backing up."
A gynecologist decides to that he wants to change occupations and be an auto mechanic. So he goes to auto mechanic school. It comes time for the final exam. He takes the exam and when he gets the test back he's shocked at the test score. One hundred percent would have been a perfect score, but he received a 200%! How was this possible? So he goes to talk to the instructor.
The instructor said, "Well, you got 50% for taking the engine apart correctly, 50% for putting it back together correctly, and an extra 100% for doing it all through the muffler."
An elderly couple, getting on in years and losing their memory, decides to take a Memory Course. They take the course and the husband is thrilled ?? he feels it has changed his life. He and his wife meet their friend Bill on the street and the husband says to him, "Bill, you just have to take this incredible memory course my wife and I just attended, it's fantastic! You won't believe the improvement."
Bill says, "Wow, great, what's the name of the course?"
The husband turns to his wife and asks, "What's the name of that flower? You know the one with the long stem and the thorns?"
"You mean a rose?" his wife replies.
"Yeah, that's it!" pause)
"Rose, what was the name of that memory course?"
MEDICAL BULLETIN
At a doctor's convention in Switzerland, a conversation was taking place in a tavern after an enthusiastic mid-day lecture.
A Jewish doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor said, "That's nothing! In Germany, we could take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we could take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone said, "Hah!! We can take an asshole out of Arkansas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day!!!"
There once was a man with a permanent erection. Try as he might, he couldn't get it to go down. Finally he went to his local pharmacy, where he encountered a female pharmacist. "I'd like to speak to a male pharmacist," he said.
The woman replied, "I'm a professional. I run this pharmacy with my sister, who is also a professional. Anything you can tell a man, you can tell us."
"Ok," he said. "I have a permanent erection. What can you give me for it?"
"Hmmm," she replied. "I'll go into the back and confer with my sister."
After a minute, she returned to the counter and said, "We'll give you $25,000 and half the business.
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said, "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded tothe aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co?pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help?lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
As the good Irishman was coming home from working in the peat bogs. He decided to stop for a pint at the local pub. Standing outside of the pub was a wee nun...holding a sign that read: "Liquor is the root of all evil! Stay away from this Devil's Hole!"
The good Irishman stopped for a moment and asked the nun if she had ever tried any drink at all.
She replied: "Heaven's no! I'm a sister of the cloth!"
He said in turn: "Then how do you truly know its a
Devil's drink?"
She pondered this for a bit and said: "You know my son, you are right! Perhaps I should try something to really be sure! But, I don't know what the ladies drink!"
He told her it was not a problem as most ladies drank a wee bit of gin.
"Good!", she said, "but get it in a wee paper cup, so none will know what I'm drinking!"
He agrees, goes into the bar, and orders a pint of bitters
for himself, and a tog of gin in a WEE paper cup.
The bartender just shook his head, and said, "That bloody nun is out there again, is she!"
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blonde Chinese girl. I sat beside her and said,"Hi there."
Then she responded, "Hi right back at you."
I couldn't resist and added, "Nice day, isn't it?"
She replied, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem."
I had to know and therefore asked, "What's the problem?"
She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..."
I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus."
So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...by the way, my name is Florence."
I said, "Hello, Florence. My name is Bucky Goldstein from Arizona..."
Yes, dear departed mother, we support research in this area.
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