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Enjoy your stay Thanx for visiting |
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Enjoy your stay Thanx for visiting |
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~ Just Be There ~
This is everything. Without this unwritten rule of commitment, you have no meaningful relationship. It's the cornerstone and foundation of any good friendship. This is especially true for that one relationship in your life that means everything to you. You can't have true intimacy without that binding trust between you and your partner. It's the one thing that people rely on the most to sustain their affections and their love for each other.
If you're not there when someone needs you, or if this person isn't there for you when you need them, the fear of abandonment sets in and it will become your very worst nightmare. All your suspicions start to surface and magically start to ring true to your logic. Your trust in that person starts to erode and you feel betrayal. Everything happening around you, seems to confirm the thing you fear the most and the pain just doesn't seem to go away. This is the true definition of "heart-ache". It hurts.
Abandonment can happen for several reasons, but the causes and effects basically remain the same (just very different symptoms). Something has happened that has caused mistrust. It could be anything that trips that "emotion-detector" switch, It has struck fear in one of you and now a lot of things come into question. Love between two people has been challenged and there is a sense of disregard for feelings and affection.
Forgiveness is the cement that will repair commitment. Humility and intimacy open the door to rebuilding trust. If all goes well and the scar tissue doesn't become a permanent injury, time will heal the wounds and love will return. You may never trust that person the same, ever again, but you will learn to accept it. It's a very difficult lesson to learn, but you will never do it again, or let it happen to you again, in your lifetime.
The key is to never ever abandon someone in the first place. Treat others the way you would like to be treated yourself and communicate this loud and clear and often. Show your true colours and express your fears to your partner. Make sure they express their fears to you. Keep the communication lines open and honest. Different people have different emotional thresholds and no two people feel trust (or abandonment) with the same intensity. The fear tolerance may be set lower or higher in either individual. If this is a probability, then extra sensitivity will be needed to know the limits of your partner. If your are lucky enough to find someone of equal character strength, this will not even be an issue. Fear of abandonment just won't ever develop. This is particularly true for most parents with their children. It's an instinctive quality that fortunately has been "inbred", and is passed down through the genetic process of giving birth.
Just like everything else in life, timing is everything. Trust can be strengthened by reassurance and validation over little periods of time and reinforced over long periods of time. In the same breath, abandonment can be catastrophic, if the timing is exactly at the wrong time, when someone needs you the most. If the abandonment has been reinforced by a number of similar events over a long period of time, it could be fatal to a relationship. Trust has been broken at the very foundation of that person's character and has been proven by the same repetitive experiences, with the same person. The fear has been validated. Nothing can bring that trust back. The pain of those experiences could remain so intense and fresh in someone's mind, even over several years, that it may become instinctively buried, deep in their memories, preventing trust from ever returning. It hurts very badly and they don't want to ever feel that way again. The real resentment can be so strong, that the only thing anyone can hope for is an ounce of forgiveness and maybe some pity or concern for that person as just another human being (disguised as volunteer care). Of course, this is assuming that the "victim" is even willing to talk to that person again.
By the way, this isn't work. Just being there for someone is actually very easy and usually comes quite naturally if you truly care for that person. All you have to do is remind them that you are here or there and you haven't forgotten about them. All the reassurances and validations have never been questioned and the intimacy stays intact and strong. Friends do this instinctively. It's amazing how many separations and divorces have occurred because couples haven't been true to their instincts from the very first day of their marriage. It may take them 10 or 20 years to come to terms with the betrayal they have mistakenly done to themselves. No wonder these kinds of things are so emotionally painful. Not only do they have to deal with the actual marriage breakdown, they have to deal with their own self-confession of personal mistakes as well, at the same time.
Just being there for that one special person can be the most beautiful gift you can give to them or they can give to you. If you truly care for this someone and if they truly care for you, it will not be difficult. It's warm and fuzzy and nurturing and good food for the heart and soul. It makes you feel good. It makes the other person feel cherished and important because it shows you do care. Remember to remind them often, with honesty, and with your heart on your sleeve. You are very lucky. You are in love.
Pure and simple...
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- This Storyworx page updated May 10th, 1998 -