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~ Parting Company ~
Why is it so hard to say good-bye to a relationship that you have worked so hard on? What makes it hurt so much that you just want to crawl into a quiet corner and wither away? Why do emotions of the heart feel so incredibly powerful and painful sometimes that they can incapacitate you so totally and without control? I wish I had the answers, but sadly I don't. I have been the victim and the guilty party of just such a situation.
Breaking up is awful. There is no other way to describe it. It must be the cruelest most intense feeling of betrayal and disappointment that there is. I have felt absolute nausea and numbness from the experience and I know it has scarred me for life. I will likely never be the same again. I have felt love for a wonderful woman and from a wonderful woman, yet cannot take that love to the next level and for some reason it has all come unglued. I feel shame and I feel sorrow. I feel sad that I may have done something terrible yet I am not alone. I feel as if I have led her on, yet know that I haven't. I feel I have shattered a trust and intimacy that was wonderful, but now know that I was not feeling the same things she was feeling. Our intensity of commitment and love were different.
It's true that you still hold a glimmer of hope that things will work out because you have spent so much time together. You say to yourself, can't there be an easier and less painful solution? Maybe a compromise or a different way of viewing who we are together. Can there be middle ground where both can be happy? I don't know? Things somehow slipped out of control and went way beyond what could have been a solution. I wish I had thought of an answer to this question but there didn't seem to be an easy way other than trying to talk it out heart-to-heart. The winds of change were blowing.
It was a matter of distance and the fact that we lived too far apart. It was a long drive on the best of days and was just too much during the busy work week. I felt obligated to take the long drive yet she missed me terribly and she said she would make the long drive if she could (but she couldn't because of her young children). I missed her too, but I was too drained and too tired emotionally from putting in a hard day's work, that I just couldn't make the trip and didn't see the point, if all I was going to do was go there, spend maybe 1 hour before going to sleep, just to wake up at 5:30 in the morning to go back to work again. It didn't make any sense, even if I did truly feel in love. In this case, simple practicality outweighed passion. It may not be right, and some would argue it is a matter of priority, but it's just the way it was. It was a state of mind that could not be changed.
Many feel that passion is more important and that everything you do in life revolves around the ones you love. Others feel that love may be wonderful and is a big part of their life, yet also feel the need to be practical and realistic first. There is a case to be made about passion being the driving force behind everything you do, and that practical matters will fall into place on their own. My life has not been that way and even though I may write with passion, I know there is a real world out there with real commitments and expectations that don't allow for passion to be front and center much of the time. I have never felt love consume me totally that way and maybe that's my down-fall and my ignorance of what true love is all about. I am not sure. I don't have an answer. I know I have been in love and it felt wonderful. I still feel I can love again. I know I still have passion. I guess that's what makes us all different and make us feel love and hurt in many different ways.
All I know is that the breakdown and parting of a relationship is painful no matter how trivial or intense. It has to be treated and handled with dignity and humility. There is no shame in crying and admitting failure. We are only human. Ah yes, to be human.
Pure and simple..
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- This Storyworx page updated May 10th, 1998 -